Nyxie nodded and stared out the window at the train running parallel to the highway, its speed slower than their seventy-five miles per hour. “It wouldn’t have to be something life-threatening. I’ll fetch you ice cream and pudding if you had your tonsils out. Or I’d listen to you drunk all me at 4:00 AM to complain that your next sub likes it too much for you to get any real enjoyment out of it.”
He raised an eyebrow at her. “You think it would be less enjoyable to me with a sub who didn’t fight me at every turn?”
She shrugged, but didn’t turn from the window. “I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this. I’m trying to figure it out—trying to please you. I want you to feel like you haven’t wasted your money.”
“Look at me,” he said in a forceful tone.
Nyxie slowly turned towards her Dom. She bit her lip as she dropped her eyes from his face.
“As long as you get your kids back, the money won’t have been wasted. But I intend to get my money’s worth from you. You act like I’m the only one with tendencies here, but you were quick to run to the bathroom to touch yourself when I delivered the last blow. That is not what someone with no masochistic tendencies does. You just don’t want to admit to yourself you liked it.”
“I don’t. It’s stress relief for me. Having you spank me made my stress level go way up. It’s the only thing I knew to do.”
“How odd. On the way there you said you were too stressed to come. Which is it?”
Nyxie looked at him askance and crossed her legs, bouncing her foot in the confined space of the vehicle. “I don’t know.”
“Goddammit, Nyxie, stop that. I’ve told you I don’t want you masturbating and there you go being defiant right in front of me. I know what you’re doing. All this talk about what happened; has you excited again, and you’re self-arousing yourself by squeezing your thighs together and bouncing your leg. What’s next; sitting on your foot and rocking back and forth?”
She would’ve liked to deny it—she’d never realized the motion aroused her, but she did indeed feel stimulated when she did it. “I didn’t realize I was doing it,” she said uncrossing her legs. “I guess because I don’t orgasm that way, I never considered it masturbation.”
“I’m going to drop you off at the hospital and go home to get some sleep. I’ll take care of your needs when I see you tonight, so no more self-stimulation. I want you thinking about it—anticipating what I’m going to do to you.”
“Yes, sir. But I think you’re wrong about me having masochistic tendencies.”
“Really? You may have justified provoking me earlier with some bullshit excuse about giving up control, but the fact is; you intentionally provoked me. I hadn’t planned on punishing you, but you didn’t stop when you were warned. Why would you do that? You were naked, I was touching you intimately and it aroused you—you were wet when I touched you. If that’s not a sign of arousal, I don’t know what is. It made you excited and you didn’t know how to deal with it, so you did what any horny girl with no knowledge of seduction does—you put out an invitation to the closest male.”
She chuckled softly. “If—and I’m not saying I was—but if I was putting out an invitation, do you really think I just put out an invitation to you because you were the only man around?”
“That and we have an arrangement,” he said. “You know it’s inevitable. You’re a realist and you’re also curious.”
It suddenly occurred to her, he believed the only reason she would be with him was because she made a bargain with him. “I’m looking forward to our time together. I know it’s not a normal girlfriend/boyfriend thing, but I’m pleased it’s with you.”
He stared out over his steering wheel, not acknowledging what she said. They were just passing the Lubbock city limits sign when she spoke again.
“I don’t know which scares me the most. The possibility you might be right about me having masochistic tendencies, or that you’re dead wrong. Do you suppose it can be learned?”
Declan shook his head. “I’m not wrong. You are submissive with masochistic tendencies. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”
She crossed her arms over her breasts, her chin jutting out stubbornly.
“I don’t know how you can act like you know me better than I know myself. It’s really annoying.”
As he pulled to a stop at the first light in town, he turned to her, his gray-green eyes reflecting his dark mood. “No more annoying than the little attitude you’re brewing up right now. Nyxie, I just dealt with both my parents and I’m dog tired. I didn’t take you on as my sub to increase my stress.”
“Sorry, sir,” she said placing her hands in her lap. “I have a feeling taking my punishment is going to be easier than following the behavior that avoids it.”
A slight smile came to his lips. “I’m going to think you’re doing it on purpose to be punished,” he said taking off from the light. “Oh, wait, I think that already.”
She bit her lip, crossed her legs and as quickly as she realized what she was doing, she uncrossed them. “Damn.”
“Nyxie, you told me when your father was still alive, you used to take punishment for Cody.”
“What my father dished out was not punishment. But yes, I drew his anger to protect Cody. He was little and I knew I could handle Daddy’s worst.” There was a definite lowering in the volume of her voice when she spoke of her father and her tone became flat and emotionless.
“Even though you had lived through the same thing at his age?”
“It was far worse to witness either of my siblings getting it than getting hit myself.”
“Your sister never did that for you?”
She shook her head, her eyes on her hands folded in her lap. “No, Melinda wasn’t as strong as me. I was on my own.”
Declan stretched out his arm and put his hand on her jean-encased thigh. His hand slid between her thighs before coming to a rest on the top of her leg.
“And how did it feel protecting Cody?”
“It hurt.”
He chuckled. “Of course, I mean what emotion did you feel?”
She shrugged. When his hand slid between her legs a second time, her eyes closed and she exhaled through her teeth.
“Poor little Nyxie. You’re all worked up with no relief. I promised tonight you’ll have your needs met. But for now, would you please answer my question; how did it feel taking the abuse for your brother?”
“It made me proud that I could protect him. It made me feel like I could control what happened to us.”
“And that felt good—not the beating, but the pride and the control.”
She lifted one shoulder in a dismissive gesture. “Yeah.”
“Did it change the pain?”
“What do you mean?”
“I wish you had your ears pierced because when there is a payoff, people who make the hugest fuss over a little needle, eagerly get their ears pierced and don’t mind even though it’s more painful than being pricked by a tiny needle.” He turned his head and asked her again. “Did the pain change when you took it intentionally to protect Cody?”
She nodded her head. “I never really thought about it before. But that was when I stopped crying over it. It seemed stupid to cry when I made him hit me on purpose. I also didn’t want Cody to be upset over it.”
He splayed his long fingers on her leg and flexed his fingers mindlessly. “And when did you start touching yourself afterwards?”
Her cheeks burned scarlet. “I really don’t remember. I was pretty young; maybe when puberty hit. But I never thought of it as a sexual thing. Just stress relief—you know like what you said brain chemicals and all that.”
“I’m not surprised,” he said. “You stopped crying. Masturbation replaced the emotional relief crying gave you. The sexual release was just a twofer. Now your brain links the two together—pain and sex.”
Nyxie wanted to deny everything he said, the way she denied connecting the two every time she did it.
She kept her head turned away, unable to have him look at her when she felt so emotionally raw.
“Do you know when I first noticed you in school? My father asked me to run a message to the principal after school. He had someone in his office so I had to wait. While I sat in the outer office, the principal came out his other door, the one that connected with the main office where the secretaries and attendance clerk’s desks were and he asked one of the women to come in to witness a female student getting licks.”
“Oh, God, you were that smartass kid who asked me if it hurt as I was leaving.”
“You barely glanced at me so I’m not surprised you didn’t recognize me later. That secretary went out and told one of the other ladies that you barely flinched when he hit you and that he hit you as hard as the boys who’d been fighting or caught vandalizing.”
“I asked for swats instead of detention because Cody was already out of school. I had five tardies, so I opted for three licks instead of three days of detention. That paddle was brutal.”
“And you didn’t cry.”
“No,” she said after a brief hesitation.
“On my way back to the clubhouse with a note for Coach, you came out of the girls’ room. You were wearing a V-neck T-shirt and I could see your chest turned bright red. I’d seen enough internet porn to recognize that some women’s upper chest becomes flushed after an orgasm and I knew that you had just masturbated.”
“Oh, fuck me,” she said covering her face with both hands. “Oh, my God. Thank you for not telling anyone. My life was hard enough without that getting out.”
It pleased him to hear she had confidence he’d never given away her secret. He hadn’t. He could imagine what such a rumor could do to any girl. Not even the strongest girl would survive and she could not have been classified as anything but kelp in the feeding chain of high school. Besides, she intrigued him.
“Yin to your Yang, hm?” she said.
He hesitated. “No, not then.”
“But, I thought….”
“You know how boys that age are. I’d certainly heard of S&M—laughed about it in the locker room, but I didn’t really know anything about it. But after seeing you come out of the bathroom all flushed and relaxed, I began reading up on it on the computer.”
Her eyes grew wide. “Weren’t you afraid of your parents catching you?”
He shook his head. “I couldn’t touch the money my grandparents left me except for educational purposes. So when I told the lawyer I needed a computer and internet for school, he didn’t hesitate. I had gotten it the summer before when I started taking college classes during the break. So, no, my computer was password-protected and my folks couldn’t have gotten in if they wanted to. But even if they caught me and took away my computer, I would have called Junior and asked for another one.”
She looked at him, unable to fathom how he could so casually defy his parents. Nyxie always had to think long and hard over her small rebellions and intentional disobediences.
“I had turned eighteen by then and Coach had already hit me with his idea of fatherly advice. He told me I could get tried as an adult for sleeping with any girl below the age of consent.”
“Do you think he knew you liked me?”
Declan chuckled to himself at her choice of words. Liked? Infatuated or obsessed would have been more accurate.
“No, he never knew. Considering you are one of his victims, I would have never heard the end of it. God, I wish I’d known. I would’ve found a way to get you shoes.”
“That happened my sophomore year. You had already graduated. Mama had been gone a year and I had a growth spurt over the summer and my shoes wouldn’t fit anymore. I bought those sandals at a garage sale for a quarter.”
She turned to stare out the window, trying to keep the fear she felt as a teenager from strangling her now. As an adult, she could see she and Cody would have been better off in foster care, but fear of losing the one person she loved, blinded her to the overall benefits.
19
Declan came for her promptly at eight. Freshly showered and dressed casually in a pair of blue jeans and a black and blue rugby shirt with a Yale crest on his chest, he sauntered into the ICU carrying a white dress shirt. He greeted Nyxie with a peck on the cheek, then slipped the shirt on her, tying it at her waist and rolling the cuffs up so the sleeves stopped below her elbow.
“Straight men,” Joseph said under his breath.
“You have something to say?” Declan asked turning to the nurse.
Joseph shrugged. “She looks cute in a shabby chic sort of way. But there’s only so much you can do with secondhand Wal-Mart—no offense, Nyxie.”
When Declan turned back to Nyxie, her eyes looked downward and her cheeks were tinted with embarrassment.
“Some women are beautiful no matter what they wear,” Declan said, putting his crooked finger under her chin lifting until her eyes met his. “Joseph, I’m definitely setting you up on a date with a lesbian.”
“You keep promising but my phone hasn’t rung once. I hope you keep your promises to Nyxie better than you’ve kept them to me.”
Joseph put his hands on his hips with a snort. Declan pulled out his phone and began touching the display. “Smile,” he said dryly and snapped the photo. He turned his phone sideways and began tapping out a message. “What’s your phone number?”
Joseph rattled off the number. “Don’t I get a picture of him?”
“He’s a doctor. Do you really care what he looks like?”
Joseph turned to Nyxie and pointed at Declan. “He’s a doctor; do you care what he looks like?”
“I’m more interested in what’s in his heart and what’s in his head,” she said smiling shyly at Declan. “The fact that he’s a babe is just a bonus.”
“A babe?” Declan questioned. “I don’t know if I like that.”
“I think that’s about right,” Joseph said. “I’d do you. Are you blushing, Dr. Stryker?”
Declan scrunched up his face and scratched his head. “T-M-I, Joseph. I don’t even want that picture in my mind.”
Nyxie’s phone rang; she froze for a moment as if her mind went back to a phone call several days earlier.
“It’s one of the girls,” he whispered in her ear. “Answer it.”
Nyxie tentatively picked up the phone. “It’s Reina.” She slid her finger across the screen. “Reina, is everything all right?”
Her worried expression changed to a wide smile. “She called to say good night. I’m going to go out in the hallway so I don’t wake any patients.”
After Nyxie left, Declan took a few minutes to examine Cody’s chart. He picked up his phone and called his attending physician.
“Hey, have you seen the Carmichael kid’s numbers? Yeah, I’m off, but I….”
Fuck, he mouthed at Joseph.
“His sister and I went to high school together. I thought I’d take her out to dinner to catch up on mutual friends…. No, I don’t think I’m too close to the family to treat him—besides this is the kid CPS took custody of. She has no say so in his care…. No, that’s fine, I understand. I would’ve come to you days ago if I thought you’d feel that way…. Do you mind if I still observe his surgery? Yeah, I’ve never seen it done….Sure; I’ll order the pre-surgery tests and schedule the OR.”
When Declan stepped out of the SICU ten minutes later, he found Nyxie sitting on a padded bench softly singing into her phone. She glanced up at him and smiled apologetically but kept singing the song about a grandfather clock. She pulled the phone in front of her and put it on speaker so he could hear the little girl’s sweet, pure voice singing the chorus and grinned proudly.
Reina stopped singing after the chorus, but joined Nyxie again when she finished the verse.
“You are quite the singer,” Declan said as they finished the song.
“Is that Dr. Stryker?” Reina asked.
“Yes, it is,” he answered surprised that she remembered his name.
&
nbsp; “Did I remember to thank you for the phone?”
“Yes, I believe you did. And you’re very welcome. Are they letting you hold onto it?”
“No, sir. They put it away for safekeeping. They said the other kids would always try to use it and they’d tear it up. But they said we can use it during free time, like when we watch TV or play.”
Nyxie slid down the bench giving him room to join her. “They’re probably right. One of the other kids would probably steal it.”
“Do you girls have everything you need? If you need something, I think the lawyer can help me get it to you,” Declan asked.
The little girl stayed silent on the other side for a moment. Nyxie eyed Declan warily.
“Twizzlers, I think I need Twizzlers.”
“Ha. Nice try, Reina,” she said smiling at the phone. “No one needs Twizzlers.”
“Dang it.”
“It’s good to know some things haven’t changed.”
“The only thing I really want is to go home and sleep in bed with my family,” Reina’s voice sounded weepy.
“Me, too, Reina. Me, too. Unfortunately, I can’t give that to you until we’re back together again.”
“When are they going to let us come home?”
“I don’t know, sweetie. But Dr. Stryker is going to help me get a driver’s license and a high school diploma so I’ll be able to get a better job. I won’t have to work as long and I’ll be able to get a bigger place for us to live.”
“But that’ll take forever,” she whined.
Nyxie was young enough to remember how slowly time passed in childhood especially if there was a big event to look forward to.
“Would you rather I lie to you and make promises I can’t keep?”
“No, ma’am,” she sighed.
“Reina,” Declan interrupted trying to distract the eight-year-old. “Do you think it’s okay if I asked Nyxie out?”
“No!” she snapped quickly.
“Reina, that was rude. Apologize to Dr. Stryker.”
The Love She Craves: Selling Her Soul to Declan Page 16