The Big F

by Maggie Ann Martin

  “I’m going, I’m going,” I said.

  I suddenly felt entirely silly walking into Moe’s in my old homecoming dress as a person who was no longer in high school. A person who was no longer in high school about to meet the boy she’d written a very blatant love letter to only a few days before. My heart dropped as I looked around Moe’s, searching for that signature tousled hair or the leather jacket that I’d grown to love.

  When I finally saw him I felt like I might explode. Whether it was from nervousness or excitement or a sickly sweet combination of both, I wasn’t sure. I started to walk toward his table, and he turned around as he heard the sound of me walking clumsily in my heels. He stood up and met me before I could make my way fully to the table.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi,” I said back.

  “You look…,” he said, gazing down at my childish dress.

  “Ridiculous?” I asked.

  “Beautiful,” he replied. I swayed on my feet for a few seconds, refusing to break eye contact with him.

  “I think I need to sit,” I said abruptly. “Heels and I are not friends.”

  “Of course,” he said, sliding into the booth across from me.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out the notebook with my sticky note across it, his name written out in my messy scrawl. He set it on the table in between us and scooted it my way. I felt the breath leave from my lungs and waited for him to move, to speak, to do anything.

  “Did you stalk me to drop this off, Cavanaugh?” he said, the Smirk creeping up on his face.

  I blushed. “Only a little bit.”

  “It surprised me, I’ll give you that much,” he said.

  “Surprised in a good or bad way?” I asked, feeling my breath coming quicker and quicker.

  “A good way,” he said. I wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around his neck, to close this horrible distance between us, but I felt like he had more to say. I sat on my hands, keeping myself in check.

  Even though I managed to keep my limbs restrained, my mouth had other plans. I felt my anxiety about this whole situation bubbling up into pre–word vomit and had to stand by as it became full-blown word vomit.

  “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me, or that you didn’t find me as alluring now that I was unattached and so the whole ride back I was trying to talk myself out of it. That it was okay that you didn’t feel the same way as I did, and that I would move on and be happy next semester, but the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that you were what kept me happy this semester. Not just, you know, you, but the way you taught me to look at myself and others. You just—”

  “Get you,” he said.

  “Exactly,” I said. As I spoke, my hands had slipped out from under my butt and waved animatedly in the air. One of them rested on the table, and our hands started inching closer to each other’s on the table until our fingertips touched. Feeling bold, I placed my hand in his and we both smiled. The same electricity from the movie set flew between our palms, and I almost lost it as his thumb traced along mine.

  “One large pepperoni pizza?” our waitress, the ever-lovely Laurie, said.

  “Can we actually get that to go?” Porter asked, never breaking eye contact with me.

  “Sure thing,” she said, with a small laugh.

  “You really came all the way to my dad’s house to drop off that notebook?” he asked.

  “I was going to stay and talk to you, but I saw you with your dad and didn’t want to interrupt. Plus, you hadn’t been talking to me for a few days up to that point,” I said.

  “Because I thought you wanted nothing to do with me!” he said. “I basically told you how I felt about you at city hall and when I left, I thought that things were done.”

  I rubbed my hand up his arm. “I should have never let you go. I should have said something more.”

  “Here you go,” Laurie said, setting the pizza box on the edge of the table.

  “Thank you so much, Laurie,” I said. Porter reached in his pocket to get his wallet, but she shook her head.

  “This one’s on me. Have a fun night.” She smiled.

  My heart filled with gratitude for the love and compassion that the people in this town had been showing me. I mouthed a sincere “thank you” to her as Porter and I walked out hand in hand. He opened the back door of his Jeep and laid the pizza box inside. He came back around to my side of the car and walked up to me, a goofy smile on his face. The smile was the Smirk on steroids.

  He stepped forward, taking my face in his hands. “Is it okay if I kiss you now? In a way that’s completely romantic and intentional and not with a movie crew watching?”

  I nodded profusely. He bent down and kissed me softly, our lips barely touching. I pulled him closer to me, my arms finally wrapping themselves around his neck in the way I’d been daydreaming about doing since the day on the movie set. Since the first day I met him, if I was being honest. He planted sweet kisses down my neck and back up to my lips, where I forced him to stay for a few moments longer. When I pulled away we rested our foreheads together and let our breath mix for a few seconds longer.

  “Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked.

  I nodded profusely again.

  “My place is out, you know, considering the whole Luke thing,” he said. We mutually cringed a little.

  “And mine is out, considering the whole my-entire-family-lives-there thing,” I said.

  “To the bookstore?” he asked.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s kind of perfect, isn’t it?” I asked.

  We drove to the bookstore, maybe a minute-long jaunt from Moe’s. I don’t think I will ever get over holding Porter Kohl’s hand. When we had to separate to get out of the car, my body felt like it was missing an essential organ. He unlocked the door with his key and I followed him into the bookstore, quickly picking his hand back up in mine. Much better.

  “Do you think Misty will care that we’re here?” he asked.

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “She’s been openly Team Porter and Danielle for a while.”

  We sat down in our normal spot in the back where the magical restocking occurred. He opened the pizza box, but neither of us reached for a piece. Our hands were still clasped together, and our feet were bouncing off each other’s with nervous energy.

  “I still can’t believe that you showed up to my speech with that ‘My Underwear’ shirt.” I laughed.

  “I’m thinking of opening up an Etsy shop where I sell those shirts exclusively,” he said.

  “I’d buy one,” I replied.

  “See, the market is already interested.” He laughed.

  “Thank you for coming to that,” I said sincerely. “Especially with all your family stuff going on. You must have known that your dad was really sick that day, and you still showed up.”

  “I didn’t want to miss it,” he said. “It was something that would make me happy. You’re what makes me happiest.”

  He looked up at me with those eyelashes that I can’t help but think about every time I see him. I reached to grab his face and kissed both cheeks right under each set of beautiful lashes. My kisses trailed down until our lips met again. This time we kissed deeper, without the possibility of someone finding us. His hands fell to my waist, and I repositioned myself so I was lying down. He joined me. I pulled away and traced my fingers across his lips.

  “You make me happy too,” I said. “So amazingly, ridiculously happy.”

  I closed my eyes as his hand trailed through my hair. “Have you heard back from Ohio State?” he asked.

  “I got in,” I said. His face dropped a bit. “But I’m going to wait and apply to a bunch of schools for the fall. Case Western sounds especially nice since I have an in with the coolest professor ever.”

  “So you’ll be here for another semester,” he said, more as a statement and less as a question.

  “I promise, you’ll be sick of me by the end,” I said.

&
nbsp; “I doubt it,” he said, leaving the softest kiss on my lips.

  Sure that this was some dream that I could wake up from at any second, I took his face between my hands and deepened the kiss, scooting closer to him but never close enough. He let out a small sigh in my ear that made my heart beat wildly inside my chest, and I reached underneath his shirt, which garnered another gasp.

  We both heard a small click from above as the annoying motion-sensor lights we’d grown so accustomed to turned off on us. I started to pull away to do my traditional “bring the lights back” dance, but he pulled me closer to him.

  “Leave it,” he said.

  I couldn’t argue with that logic.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I feel like I can’t start this out without thanking the two Big Ones in my life, my mom and my dad. They have always been the most ultra-supportive and loving duo, and I am beyond lucky to have the life I’ve had because of them. And, again, because she’s reached the end of reading this book, Danielle’s mom is not you, Mom. ☺ Next, to my amazing little sister who is not so little anymore. Abbs, you have read more terrible drafts of maybe-stories than I can even fathom, and you’ve loved each and every one. I love you for your kind heart and for being my unconditional bestie.

  To my wonderful editor, Emily, for picking this story out of the shuffle and believing in it. You have always had the perfect vision for Danielle and company, and I am beyond grateful for all your time and attention to detail while working on this with me.

  Since I wrote this book during the terrifying and exhilarating time of college, I feel like I have to give a shout-out to my college family (my Clar Fam). You all were the first ones that I wanted to tell about everything, and y’all were the first to force me out for a celebratory drink. Cheers to the best four years ever.

  I can’t forget my biological family, the Martins, who taught me what it means to laugh, and the Harringtons, especially Grandma and Papa.

  To my wonderful bestie, Stephanie, for always being willing to pimp out my book to anyone she meets. I’m still dying from the day when you came home and told me that your exciting spring break moment that you shared during class was my book deal. ILYSM.

  I wouldn’t have kept writing if it wasn’t for the teachers who encouraged me throughout the years. To Mrs. Joni Livermore, who sparked my love of reading while reading from Junie B. Jones books every day of second grade. To Mrs. Kay Woods, who first told me that I was maybe okay at this writing thing. To Mrs. Diane Hicks, who was my champion all throughout high school. And to Ms. Karen Downing, who pulled me aside after a public reading of one of my pieces and said, “I can see you reading from your book in a Barnes and Noble someday.” You each touched my life deeply, and I am so thankful to all of you.

  And finally to you, dear reader. You’ve officially made it through my sappy jumble of words. I hope you had as much fun living in Danielle’s head as I have, and I’m wishing you many Porter Kohls to come into your life and shake things up for the better.

  A COFFEE DATE

  with author Maggie Ann Martin and her editor, Emily Settle

  Getting to Know You

  Emily Settle (ES): What was the first romance novel you ever read?

  Maggie Ann Martin (MAA): Does Twilight count? That’s the first book I ever remember truly swooning over.

  ES: It totally counts. Who is your favorite fictional couple? Your OTP, if you will.

  MAA: This is like picking a favorite child! I am always going to be an Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy fan, but my more modern OTP is Anna and St. Clair from Anna and the French Kiss.

  ES: Very important question: Are we talking Colin Firth Mr. Darcy or Matthew Macfadyen Mr. Darcy?

  MAA: I’m a Colin Firth type of gal. A classic, if you will.

  ES: Good choice. Although you can’t really go wrong with either. Do you have any hobbies? (And now that you’re a Published Author, writing doesn’t count as a hobby anymore!)

  MAA: Ha! This has been the weirdest question to adjust my answer to lately. Writing was always my go-to. I love live music so I go to as many concerts as I can afford, and I have a soft spot for binge-watching TV shows (I mean, who doesn’t at this point?).

  ES: That’s cool. Do you have any favorite bands/groups/singers that you particularly like to go see live? Or are there any that you really, really want to see live someday?

  MAA: I’ve seen my favorite band, Empires, five times. Whenever they’re near me I go see them! I would die to see Years & Years live. They came to Chicago last year and I’m still kicking myself that I couldn’t make it.

  ES: If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?

  MAA: I go back and forth between whether I’d like to be invisible or read people’s minds, but I’m settling on invisibility. Some of the dark and twisty thoughts people think might be too much for me.

  The Swoon Reads Experience

  ES: Very true. So how did you first learn about Swoon Reads?

  MAA: My friend Lydia Albano (Swoon Reads author of Finding You!) retweeted or posted something about Swoon Reads accepting manuscripts and I clicked on the link. The rest is history!

  ES: What made you decide to post The Big F?

  MAA: I’d posted my books or parts of books onto other writing websites in the past, but never one with such an amazing opportunity. It felt like a no-brainer, especially since Lydia had been chosen just a few weeks before I uploaded.

  ES: What was your experience like on the site before you were chosen?

  MAA: I absolutely loved going around and reading other stories on the site. It was a super-positive experience meeting people in this community and I don’t think much has changed, minus the Swoon Reads badge on my page now. Everyone was lovely when I joined, and has been lovely ever since.

  ES: Once you were chosen, who was the first person you told, and how did you celebrate?

  MAA: It’s actually kind of crazy—I was in New York visiting my sister, Abbie, at school and my whole family was together. That sort of reunion only happens a few times a year. I got an e-mail one afternoon from my uber-amazing editor (*wink, wink*) at a Buffalo Wild Wings in White Plains, and then set up a call for the next morning. I made my mom, dad, and sister leave our hotel room for the call, and after I was told I’d been selected, I called my family back up to the room and we completely spazzed out. That afternoon we went to Tony’s Di Napoli in NYC for celebratory carbs and sangria.

  ES: Ha ha, that’s awesome. Now I want some of their fettuccine Alfredo!

  The Writing Life

  ES: When did you realize you wanted to be a writer?

  MAA: After I read the Harry Potter books (I was sort of a late bloomer with them, waiting until I was about thirteen to actually read them). Then when I was in eighth grade my teacher, Mrs. Woods, told me that I was a good writer. She was the first person to encourage me to keep writing and I will always be thankful to her for that.

  ES: So will we! Do you have any writing rituals?

  MAA: I can write anywhere—all I need is a pair of headphones in my ears and the same song on repeat. It has to be the same song over and over, otherwise my brain gets distracted.

  ES: I’m jealous of that talent you have there. What song or songs did you usually have on repeat while writing The Big F?

  MAA: The song “Clean” by The Japanese House became my go-to while editing. The main song that I listened to while writing it was probably “The Deep End” by Hannah Georgas.

  ES: I’m definitely going to have to look those up. Where did the idea for this book start?

  MAA: I was a freshman in college when I started writing The Big F and was feeling a lot of the same emotions as Danielle—I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do with my life and felt this pressure to figure it out. My little sister was starting to look at colleges around that time and she consulted the local “college psychic” in our town for guidance. This made me think, “What if a college psychic’s daughter didn’t make it into college?” It all ki
nd of snowballed from there.

  ES: Yeah, this book definitely reminded me of very similar emotions I also experienced leading up to college! Do you ever get writer’s block? How do you get back on track?

  MAA: For me, the best cure for writer’s block is finding the perfect song. If I can find that one song that I can listen to on repeat and have inspire me, I’ll be flying. I definitely have to be in the right mood to write, and once I get myself there with the right song, things start flowing more naturally. I also really liked watching fan videos of Rory and Jess from Gilmore Girls for inspiration while writing The Big F. They are everything.

  ES: What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever heard?

  MAA: Just write it down! You can’t edit a blank page. Even if the words are jumbled and word-vomit-esque, at least they are words that you can refine later.

  THE BIG F

  discussion questions

  1. What does the title The Big F stand for by the end of the book? Is it more than just the original F in the class that started the ball rolling?

  2. Danielle hides her college rejection from her family. How do you think you would have handled the situation differently?

  3. Danielle and Luke start their relationship on the basis of having grown up together. Have you ever been together with someone where the idea of them became more attractive than the relationship itself? How did you resolve that situation?

  4. If you were offered an opportunity to kiss a friend, a very attractive friend whom you might have deep-down feelings for, for a movie role, would you do it? Why or why not?

  5. Were you Team Luke or Team Porter, and why?

  6. How do you feel about Danielle’s relationship with her mother? Do you think her anger with Danielle for keeping the truth a secret was justified?

  7. Do you keep a journal like Porter and Danielle do? Everyday observations or personal thoughts only? Why or why not?

  8. Danielle finds herself enjoying environmental activism work, which she feels like she has to hide from her family at first. Have you ever liked something that you felt you had to hide?