by V. Theia
“Are you for fucking real right now?”
“I know you’re angry, but if you let me explain…”
“Explain what? How you left me to deal with mom and the house? How I had to pay everything and to watch her 24-7 in case she swallowed a bottle of pills because her husband was a weak-spine bastard and couldn’t cope and left her when your son died? Is that what you need to explain, dad?”
“Sweetheart,” Gray spoke finally and tried to draw me away. To my father he said in a dark tone. “You’ve said enough, leave her be.” We were attracting attention in the lobby. His mouth to my ear. “Let’s get you somewhere else, baby.”
“Who are you?” Dad directed his question to the man holding me. I felt Gray straighten to his impossibly tall stature. His chest hard at my shoulder and his fingers flexed in mine.
Any other circumstance it would be an honor for a guy to meet his girl’s father, but I felt how he bristled on my behalf. The way his dominance and power radiated through his clothes into my body giving me strength to stay upright.
“This is my boyfriend, and none of your business. Oh, and your wife’s ex. How about those fucking eggs?”
I’d heard enough. I needed out of here. Needed away from this man and his happy family thrown in my face and the bitch giving Gray the constant eyes.
“Daddy, who them?” The kid spoke, and I swear my insides twisted with pain.
I turned on my heel noticing Sena and Noah were stood only feet away.
My fucking squad.
I couldn’t muster a smile for their support.
The man who I had once worshipped as only a daughter could called out after me. “India … please?”
“Fuck off.” I parted over my shoulder.
Wine. I could get back to the wine and forget this ever happened.
I was on my second glass when Gray caught up with me. I straight up drained it in one.
“Are you okay?”
“I will be after two more of these.”
“Maybe we should go home.”
“Why? We’re having a great time, Gray. Hey, we should invite my dad and your ex. How’s that for a family get together. And ask Devon too. Now we’d have a full house of fucked up.”
I couldn’t even enjoy the curl of his hand around my nape.
No good came from being consumed in my own thoughts. Nothing.
In fact, I would go as far to say only bad things derived from me getting submerged in all the bad and concluding I didn’t deserve good or happiness.
I was shown with startling harsh reality just how my father hadn’t wanted me in his life. How he’d gone on to get a red-headed bitch and a new kid so easily.
He was living his best life.
And I was here.
Angry and resenting.
I’d closed off, walls resurrected before I’d even realized what I’d done.
I’d bled emotions to Gray for weeks and now in the light of this new situation I was gaped open raw and hating that I was so exposed when all I wanted to do was run and regather my fortress of solitude.
Grief. Sadness. Pain. Anger.
My thoughts were punishing and cruel.
Rejection was nothing new, but seven years’ worth came crashing in, surrounding me with its talons.
He had a new family. A new kid.
In a matter of minutes, I’m right back where I started from emotionally.
I’ve always been a survivor.
In the worst possible times I get through.
Not only because really there’s no other choice is there? When you think there isn’t, you keep going forward and I would now even as I drowned.
The stab of pain through my chest wall was easy to ignore.
And it was more than clear … maybe my anxiety talking … that leaving myself wide open I’d been ill-prepared and now I hurt all over.
“Sweetheart, let me take you home.” Gray kissed my forehead, gathering me in, doing what he did best by being kind and for a second I nearly relented.
Nearly leaned in to the comfort of the only person to never hurt me and let the anger disappear.
Too late. Too late.
Seeing my father and his happy life was a hard reminder that to never be hurt is to never allow yourself to be hurt. I’d opened like a hooker’s empty condom wrapper, so I had no one to blame but my own damn self for leaving myself in the position to be gutted again.
I smiled, inched away from Gray and pasted on my fakest mask.
Because who was better at lying than me?
I was expert at this point for hiding how I truly felt.
I should never have placed myself in this position.
My head buzzed with questions and doubts.
My party girl persona was always there waiting for me.
The party girl didn’t feel like this.
The party girl knew how to protect herself.
We knew, didn’t we?
We were on borrowed time.
Sunday snuggles, and cereal could only take us so far.
Restlessness penetrated my veins.
Time to set the sweet man free.
And it wasn’t because I feared he’d hurt me.
Far from it.
I knew I was just like my father.
I’d be the one to hurt Gray eventually.
By not being who he needed me to be, I’d hurt him eventually, wouldn’t I? It was crystal clear now.
Stop it. Stop it. This isn’t you. You love Gray. He loves you. You’re nothing like your parents.
But I was. I’d been pretending for weeks.
What if I did to Gray what my dad did to us? Just walked out one day when something got too difficult? I would never give him kids. I couldn’t set my heart on that shelf. Someone like him deserved to have little ones screaming daddy.
Panic, hot and sticky clung to my bones. Even as I watched Sena smile with Noah and Gray hovered closer to me watching me closely as if waiting for me to crack. I acted normal. I pretended.
No, this wasn’t for me.
I was selfish to keep him but magnanimous enough to know I couldn’t.
We’d been on borrowed time and the chimes were clanging.
Before I stepped away, something compelled me to turn back, and I pressed my lips briefly to Gray’s lips. Soft, recognizable and I’d miss them so much.
Miss how they’d quirk at the edges when he smiled indulgently.
I’d miss them burying against my neck to wake me with those magical words; I’ll make food.
Someone else would be lucky enough to know those lips soon.
And I hated her.
The mystery woman would get all his smiles and torturous lip licks.
And I hated her.
Forcing my smile, I turned back to the party.
He’d taped my heart back together.
I’d always love Gray. Always.
But now I could set him free before I ruined it.
It’s too late to pretend I didn’t feel like I’d been sliced down the middle, desperately trying to hold my innards on the inside of my body.
Love was weakness, wasn’t it?
I wished I’d been more mindful.
“Where are you going to, baby-girl?”
Baby-girl. Didn’t he know how that stabbed me with love? I turned a smile on him, saw the confusion in his beautiful eyes.
“There’s a party upstairs on the eighth floor, some old friends I know.” Such a lightweight that I am with emotions that even as realization settled into his smart, narrowed eyes I wanted to hurl myself at his chest and tell him I was wrong.
That I’ll try not to hurt him but please love me anyway.
I took another step away.
“India… what do you mean you’re going to a party?”
My heart ripped open and cried on the floor.
I’m doing this for you, I wanted to cry.
His perfect body, it’s hard not to snap shots to my memory knowing there wouldn’t b
e any early morning savage fucks again with him.
If I’d been different. If I’d met him before I got screwed up.
If wishes were horses everyone would ride.
I was doing the right thing … wasn’t I?
Then why was the look on his face killing me?
He’d been more than my lover. He’d become my friend, my confident, my … everything. Doing the right thing wasn’t easy.
“Are you going to answer me?” His hand grabbed my arm.
I yanked it back and it was as if I’d struck him. “This is who I am, Gray. I wasn’t cut from the same cloth as you, to have a life of domesticity watching Netflix and going to Wholefoods. I should be with people who are like me. I would have dragged you to my level eventually and I couldn’t have a sweet man hating me. We had a nice time, let’s end it on the same note.”
“Are you joking right now? I know this is about your dad upsetting you, India. This isn’t about us.” His voice rose and filled me with heat.
“You’re not the scene making type, Gray, not in front of all these people.” That’s how I knew he’d let me walk away without stopping me. My sweet man was a private man. “You’re the sweet guy of this story and I’m the villain, some other woman will be lucky to have you protecting her. Do me a favor,” I smiled sadly, the elevator behind me dinging open. “Tell her from me I hate her and to treasure you like I couldn’t, she’ll have the best, I mean that.”
“India… don’t. Come home with me, we’ll talk about this. You’re upset, you’re panicking, I can fucking see it. Take a fucking breath and think about this.”
I was fucking devastated. “It was a blast, sugar daddy. Be as happy as I’ve been. But all happiness ends some time.”
I was in time to see Sena and Noah coming up behind Gray, my friend looking at me in the same confused way. I’m glad he wouldn’t be alone.
“India.” My name scratched me.
“It was always going to come to this, Gray. We both know it. Go home. This is me.”
How could I tell him this was me being kind by setting him free from me?
“Tell me who is upstairs.” Dark warning to his voice. Dark enough to cause my spine to shiver. My sweet man disappeared.
“Fuck-boys, Pot heads. My people, Gray.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, India. You’re not going anywhere,” he stepped forward and I held out a hand. “We’re done, Grayson.”
And as it closed, trapping me behind the mechanical doors I felt nothing of the usual elevator fear.
I felt nothing.
I was numb inside where all my Gray love was trapped.
And when I stepped out of the elevator a minute later, heard the boom of the dance music I knew it was time to walk back into my old life.
The one I hadn’t missed. The one that didn’t have the power to hurt me.
The one that strangled me as I walked into the party where throbbing music enveloped me in its claws.
Gut sick, my smile fake as fucking Christmas widened brightly as Seth approached with his cocky hip walk and sleazy grin licking his bottom lip.
Ignoring the tug in my stomach telling me—screaming really, to turn around and go back down to Gray. It’s not too late.
I loved him enough not to hurt him.
Not to walk out on him… Like I just did.
You left him downstairs to go to a fuck boy party, India. Why would he want you now?
Too late.
Too late.
See how self-sabotage works? How quickly it attacked.
I sighed around cement in my throat. My eyes stung with unshed tears even as I smiled at people. Some I knew from a life I didn’t want.
And all the time I missed Gray. Regretting my decision. My shitty decision.
I was hit with a deluge of memories from the last weeks. No one made me laugh like he did, and he didn’t mind making himself look silly for my amusement. He’d hold me close before I was fully awake and whisper the sweetest things to me.
My India. My mean-girl. I love your cuddles and your butt.
God, I craved him.
Why didn’t I deserve someone like that?
Why couldn’t he be mine?
Gray should love someone, he should have that chance.
I hate her. Whoever the nameless faceless woman will be.
He already knows I’m mean so he’d understand if we were to ever run into each other again and his arm was snaked around the new woman’s waist and I saw clearly the love he felt for her, it would be understandable to him at least that I’d hate her.
He’d probably smile and nod as if he was telling me I get it, mean-girl.
Thunderclouds built over my head.
Too late.
Incapable of anything other than this empty gratification and my clawing anxiety whispering my failures.
I went back to a life I hated.
GRAY
Noah’s hand caught my arm before I could take a step towards the row of elevators and it was a snap reaction to snarl.
My fucking heart rapped out of control thinking of India up there for a second without me.
With other people who didn’t love her, didn’t care an inch about her wellbeing and how upset she was right now, how seeing her fucking father had decimated all the good work she’d done in the last month to build her own self-worth and she’d fallen into her panic and anxiety.
“I will knock you down, if you don’t get out of my fucking way.” As good a friend Noah was, business and personal, I was serious as a heart attack in my warning.
The hold didn’t lessen. Noah moved to stand directly in front of me. Our eyes clashed as he forced my attention from the far wall of elevators. “I mean it, Noah. Get the fuck off me, I’m going after her.”
“And do what? You need to calm down, man. Going after her right now you’re gonna say shit you don’t mean.”
Air expelled out of my lungs.
My brain urgently replayed the last minutes.
What could have been said by her father in those few minutes before Sena came for me, to have India believing I was better off without her? For her to turn so rapidly into the woman she pretended to be. And make no fucking mistake, that woman who climbed into the elevator was not my woman.
Was she having an anxiety attack alone without me?
Shooting pain cleaved through me, impossible to ignore the clang of dismay rattling around my brain wondering just how far my girl was going to fall in her own self destruction because she was under the impression anything good would soon crumble so why not destroy it first.
I kept on looking over his shoulder. Willing her to come back down to me.
Any second now I’d see the shine of her golden hair and that little smile at the corner of her lips.
Fifteen minutes ago, we were happy. She was laughing and happy and tipsy flirting.
I thought finally I’d broken through her layers of self-protection because she knew I loved her.
I shook my lowered head. Took a breath.
Love, an insipid word for what I felt. She was the missing piece to a puzzle I didn’t know I was part of until she smiled and locked up my heart and made it hers.
Now I’m like a caged animal, my skin burning as my need for her roamed feral and restless, prowling under my skin where it was all savage undertaking. I could hurt someone in this state and not care. I could become a violent man and not fucking care if I hurt a person.
Her pursuit of happiness was a success until something in the last moments changed her, reverted India back to the closed off woman I first met.
The woman who would smile and give nothing away of herself.
We’re done, Grayson.
She could have stabbed me, and I would have bled less.
I was fucking untamed beneath my skin as I raked hands through my hair.
“Take a breath and give it a minute.” Advised Noah. But right then I was not a rational fucking man. I was a man without his heart. Because my h
eart had walked away from me like we’d meant nothing. She’d kissed me and walked away even before I felt her detach.
I need her. I need her. I need her.
I looked him directly in the eye. “Would you take a breath if it was Sena up there? If Sena said you were over just like that with no explanation?” I saw the sympathy on his face. He thought I’d lost her already. He knew India and her reputation.
But he didn’t know my India. She was mine.
No one saw how soft, broken and vulnerable she was under her thick outer shell or how she opened to me. She’d allowed me to see the real woman underneath her barriers, so I wouldn’t disclose her secrets now. But he didn’t know her at all.
I sighed, pulling away, putting my ass down on the circular cushioned seat in the middle of the lobby, resting arms on my knees, my gaze roaming to the elevator.
It was always going to come to this, Gray. We both know it. Go home. This is me.
No, it wasn’t. Far from it.
I wanted to tie India to me for the rest of our lives.
I wanted to have lazy pizza Sunday’s and walks in the park holding her hand and family dinners.
I was in it for the long haul.
It wasn’t only me in this.
India had been right there with me; falling in love.
It wasn’t only me. I saw it. I fucking felt it.
She’s the most authentic female I’ve ever met. Expressive and stimulating in everything she does to the point it made my heart thump out of sync just to hear her tinkling, teasing laugh. And it had nothing to do with her physical beauty. I could pick her brilliant mind for days, listen to her ideas on how to expand my business—things I’d never even considered until long-night conversations with India—and felt more fulfilled than any night of no-strings sex in the past.
She was scared and retreating to what she knew.
And that was destroying herself.
When I woke this morning with her crawling all over me I never thought hours later we’d be here like life had backhanded me.
“I will go up after her.” Sena said from the side and Noah whipped around.
“You won’t go anywhere, kitten.” He told his purple haired wife, going to her in five quick strides, he encouraged her to get off her feet by leading her across to sit by me. Even if she wasn’t heavily pregnant I wouldn’t have asked her to go up to a party room with fuck knows what going on.