“What do you mean?” She responded in a feigned voice.
“I see the extra place setting. Isn’t this when I get my lecture on not riding with strangers and what was the point of spending all that money on college if I was only going to end up as a meter maid? You know, the job I’m too pretty for.”
She smoothed her fresh apron. “Your father isn’t coming over. Aunt DeDe is!”
“For what?” Now I was panicking. Had my secret assignment been exposed?
“Well, we want to talk to you about something. So, run upstairs and change out of those wet clothes.”
I did run right up those stairs, hoping a mysterious magical door would appear at the top of them so I could step right through it and return to the world I lived in only months ago. But no such luck. I skipped the shower and put on some dry clothes, returning to the kitchen to find my aunt and my mother sitting in front of two glasses of wine. Three steaming bowls of chili waited for us.
“Would you like a glass, too?”
“No, no thanks, Mom.” If Alice was trying to get me trashed, something very suspicious was going on. At my cousin’s wedding last year she forbade me drinking champagne at the toast because she thought I looked too young and people would talk. Tonight, I definitely needed to keep my senses about me.
“Well, let’s eat then!”
We all quietly dug in and finally Aunt DeDe broke the silence. “So, Paula, how is work?”
That was an interesting question, considering Alice bitched incessantly to anyone that would listen about the job she didn’t feel I was suited for; I knew Aunt DeDe was no exception.
“It’s no Account Executive job, I can tell you that.”
“How’s the money?”
“Um, I live at home, Aunt DeDe, what do you think?”
“So, I am guessing you don’t have too much extra to go shopping or try and start a savings?”
I had decided earlier that I was going to deny any affiliation with Uncle Gordie’s proposition if confronted. I knew my father would be proud of me for making a positive monetary decision, especially since he disliked my aunt. But I also knew that if these two caught wind of it I would probably be out on my ass and there was no chance that my father was going to let me stay with him now that his new girlfriend Darlene (the one Alice didn’t know about) was over all the time. Pleading the Fifth was my only option.
Or, I could always go on the offensive.
I put down my spoon and looked carefully at both of their guilty faces. They were definitely plotting something. “What are you two up to?”
Looking defeated, and somewhat relieved, my mother started. “Okay, well, you know how every year Aunt DeDe attends the Social Club Charity Auction right?” I nodded and she continued. “Well, this year Uncle Gordie is refusing to go. He says he has other plans.”
I looked at my aunt. “So, you want me to be your date? Sorry, my life is miserable enough right now. I’ll never meet another man if I am seen at a function like that. People will think I am your girl toy.”
“Paula!” My mother was getting hives around the base of her neck. She was never good at coercing me into anything, especially if she didn’t feel it was appropriate. There had to be more to the story.
“No, I don’t want you to be my date! Don’t flatter yourself!”
“Well, that’s no way to talk me into whatever your real request is. I see, I am too pretty to be a meter maid but not good enough to be your date?” There was something about Aunt DeDe’s exaggerated self esteem that brought my rebellious side out to the fullest.
“Of course you’re pretty enough. DeDe, apologize to her!”
“For Christ sakes, Alice! Can we just get to the point?”
“You’re right, dear, don’t get upset.” My mother put her hand over my aunt’s and I rolled my eyes.
“On second thought, I’ll take that glass of wine,” I said.
As I shuffled across the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, Aunt DeDe explained her situation.
“Well, I was at the Delicate Lady Boutique a few days ago trying on dresses for the event when I overheard a young woman and her mother arguing over a man the younger one has been dating.”
“So?”
“Paula, your underwear is showing above your sweatpants. Can you tuck that in please?”
“Alice!” Aunt DeDe and I chimed in at the same time.
“Sorry, but young ladies shouldn’t…” She stopped talking and took a bite of her chili, looking nervous.
DeDe continued on. “Anyhow, her mother was clearly upset because apparently the boyfriend is practically old enough to be her father. She also was concerned because the man was spending a ridiculous amount of money on her in gifts, yet they are never seen in public together and the girl refused to let any of her family meet him.”
“And you’re upset because why?”
“Well, the girl went on to say that it was simply an affair and she should be entitled to those gifts in exchange for a few flings because she was young and if this guy wanted to waste his time chasing her around, it was his problem. She also explained how it was sure to die down soon anyway because he was married and ran several restaurants and didn’t have enough time for her even if she wanted more.”
“I don’t mean to sound insensitive Aunt DeDe, but can we move this story along?”
“Well, then she started giving her mother details about him, things she found to be a turn offs, while trying to convince her that it wouldn’t last. She spoke of a single wisp of silver hair that stood out against the rest of his dark mane, and how he often smelled of cigars and Brut.” She dabbed her heavily lined eye with the corner of the napkin as her voice began to quiver. “But then my phone rang. It was Marcia confirming our lunch plans, so I didn’t hear the rest of the conversation and they were gone before I hung up.”
“It’s alright, dear. Have another glass.” Alice poured the wine until it danced on the brim.
“So, then when I got home, I showed Gordie my dress and he told me he wasn’t going to the Charity! Sixteen years we have attended that event together and now he’s not going!”
I knew what she was getting at and the comment about Brut and cigars pretty much sealed the deal, but I played stupid anyhow.
“So, are you upset over the girl in the boutique dating a married man or that Uncle Gordie is not going? Or is this some kind of breakdown because you are fifty?”
“Paula!” my mother’s voice cracked.
“Well, you said…”
“I said nothing! Your aunt thinks that Uncle Gordie is dating this girl and that is why she is so upset.”
“Oh. And still no sex either?”
“My god, Alice, do you tell this girl everything?”
I looked at my mother and decided that between her glowing eyes and Mitexi’s fire breathing heartburn, they would make one mean dragon.
“I’m sure there are lots of older married guys with those same traits that own restaurants.” I said. Somehow saying it out loud made the whole situation sound even more like exactly what she thought it was. “Well, okay, maybe not. What did she look like?” Just for kicks I figured I’d ask. Maybe it wasn’t Mary Elizabeth.
“Like a goddamned Coke bottle with the hair of goddess!” Thick black rivers of mascara washed down Aunt DeDe’s face as she started crying for real.
I picked up the bottle of wine and finished the rest in one gulp, skipping out on my glass. “Well, why you are guys telling me all of this?”
My mother, whose hives had travelled up to her ears, began clearing the bowls from the table without even bothering to lecture me about my previous, unsanitary action. “Well, you see, you did such a good job of finding out what…what was his name again?”
“Perry,” Aunt DeDe squeaked.
“Yes, Perry. You stalked him and obviously knew what you were doing, or I am guessing you wouldn’t have gotten arrested. Okay, let me rephrase that, you knew how to find him, just not how to act when you did
. But the point is, can you follow Uncle Gordie and see if he is up to anything?”
I backtracked as best I could. “Oh, jeez, Aunt DeDe, I don’t know. I mean I am really sorry if it is him, but I just don’t know if it’s so appropriate that I follow him around. Anyhow, it’s harder to get an identifiable picture of someone who knows you in a sneaky way without a zoom lens; which I can assure you that any disposable camera I’ll have to purchase won’t have. I mean he would really have to be distracted for me to pull that off.”
“Well be creative! If you’re lucky you’ll catch that bastard with his pants down. He has a tattoo with my name on his left ass cheek.”
“I’m sorry, did you say lucky?” Lucky would be scratching a winning lottery ticket, or getting a mint parking spot at the mall during Christmas. Not getting to see my uncle’s bare bottom.
“I’ll pay you ten grand in cash.”
“Ten thousand!” my mother and I said in unison.
“I could hire a private investigator but I am hoping to keep this as discreet as possible. If you’re not interested, though, I’ll do what I have to and get to the bottom of this.”
“DeDe, you don’t need to give her that kind of cash. Really, it’s absurd! I’m sure a hundred; maybe two hundred dollars would be sufficient.”
“Stay out of it, Alice!” Now I was feeling aggressive. With that money and the seven thousand Uncle Gordie gave me, I could probably move out sooner than later.
“Well, she does work all day so I would be dominating her nights and weekends, not that she has a social life. But this is important to me and I can afford it. I actually made a withdrawal this afternoon. I didn’t want to write a check, since Gordie and I share that account, he would certainly question why I wrote one to you.”
“I do too have a social life! I’ll take the job!”
I extended a free hand and waited for Aunt DeDe to pass me the fat envelope. “Should I count it or is it all there?”
“Paula!”
As I thumbed through the bills, I asked, “What do you want for proof, a written report with dates and times?”
“Pictures. I want physical evidence because I am going to rake him over the coals if I find out that he has been groping that curvy slut!”
“How do you know she is a slut? I mean, shouldn’t you be taking some of that anger out on Uncle Gordie for pursuing her?”
I looked over and took note that my mother had finally reached her frazzled limit. She absolutely hated the word slut and the evening was definitely wearing her down; her normally well coifed hair was starting to fray on the top and her whole face was bumpy from the stress, so I decided to take pity on her and wrap up the deal.
“Okay, if he’s up to anything I’ll get you pictures and I’ll get started as soon as possible. But I have two conditions.” I turned to my mother. “First, I am going to need to use your car; I can’t count on a bus or cab to be sneaky.” I diverted my attention back to Aunt DeDe. “Secondly, I don’t want to be in the middle of whatever you do to Uncle Gordie with the evidence. As far as he knows, you hired a professional. Leave me out of it.”
“Fine. If you’re successful with this, you should think about using that money to get your own car if you’re going to live out here for much longer.” DeDe was very well known for pointing out another’s short comings in order to flip away any unsavory attention from herself.
“Oh, yeah, then I can make long term plans to live in my mother’s house. Maybe I can meet a nice man and start a family of my own right upstairs in my high school bedroom.”
“Alice, I don’t know how you can stand her mouth. If she were my kid, I’d…”
“Easy, Aunt DeDe, don’t you have your own set of problems right now?”
Before she could get in her next sentence, I excused myself from the table, grabbed my shams and ran upstairs. After changing my pillows, I dialed Mitexi’s number.
“Hey, it’s me. Listen up; you are never going to believe this!”
-8-
I woke up early the next morning. It was like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve when you are six, except I already had my present and I couldn’t wait to take it out and count it again.
After piling more hundred dollar bills than I had ever seen in my life on top of the rosebuds that decorated my bedspread, I got this crazy notion to strip off all of my clothes and roll around on them, just like you see on those murder mystery shows when a ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ couple steal a bunch of cash and then he takes pictures of her surrounded by it.
I needed a shower anyway so I stripped off my pajamas and lay on the bed, giggling as I thrashed side to side, the feeling of crinkling bills under my naked ass. It was literally the best time I had had in bed in months, even better than with Perry. At least it would still be there when I woke up tomorrow.
“Paula?” My mother swung open the door without any warning.
“Jesus, Ma! Don’t you knock?” I grabbed one end of the comforter and tried to hide myself, money falling all over the floor.
“What in the name of your dead grandfather, God rest his soul, are you doing?” Alice might have been all red last night, but she was ghostly white now and looking like she might pass out.
“Nothing! I am not doing anything! Why are you up before nine on a Sunday morning?”
“I couldn’t sleep last night. I felt like you were duped into a situation you weren’t comfortable with and I was coming to suggest to you that we give DeDe back that money. But now that you have tainted it, I wouldn’t be able to return it without feeling guilty.”
“We are not giving anything back to Aunt DeDe. It’s my money and I’m keeping it. And why would you feel like she needed to know I laid on it nude? Really, Mom, you are way too conscientious.”
“What have I done to deserve all this? First you get arrested, now you are rolling around bare bottomed on dirty money!” She closed the door and mumbled all the way down the hall.
I pulled a shoe box from the bottom of my closet and pushed all the bills inside. I would sort and stack them later; right now I needed to take a shower and get busy. I was definitely excited over the money, but the reality of being able to leave the house in a car by myself like an average grown up almost brought me to tears.
Suddenly I realized I never took a look at the developed photos I had taken from the previous morning. I tore the envelope open to inspect.
“Oh, shit! No! No! No!”
I had been in such a panic to snap the photos and get my mother off the phone that I never flicked on the flash button. All of the pictures were dark and neither of their faces were clear enough for identification. Even Mary Elizabeth’s fantastic figure looked more like a ½ gallon of orange juice than a Coke bottle.
“Well, I guess I shouldn’t complain too much,” I said out loud to myself. “Earning Uncle Gordie’s money would have almost been like robbery if I was fortunate enough to get everything I needed on the first day.”
My mother passed by as I was talking to myself and stuck her head back in but averted her eyes. “Are you decent yet? Did you say something about Uncle Gordie? Let’s not forget Aunt DeDe wanted this kept discreet.”
“No, Mom, I haven’t forgotten. And by the way I’m still naked and this time I’m taping the money to myself.”
That was all I had to say and she bolted for her bedroom.
-9-
I called my father as soon as I was safely off our street. I hadn’t seen him in a few weeks and I thought maybe we could have lunch. I really wanted to tell him what was going on. I was certain he would get a total kick out of it.
Ron, my dad, and my mother divorced right after I graduated from high school. Oddly enough, it just seemed natural. I’m pretty sure they had only held out that long because I was still in school. With me leaving for college, it was almost as if we all broke up, as if we were entitled to our own fresh start. The house was paid for, so they agreed that my mother would stay there while my father bought himself a condo on the o
pposite side of town. When and if my mother was ever ready to leave the house, she could sell it and keep whatever profit there was. Although she had always been a stay at home mom, my dad was an engineer and pulled in a great salary so money was never an issue. To make the transition as smooth as possible, my dad practically just packed his clothes and left her everything. They saw each other at my college graduation and on holidays if they happened to attend a party of a mutual acquaintance, but that was the extent of their interactions. Or at least it had been until I got arrested.
“Hi, Dad! What’s going on?”
“Hey, is this my favorite meter maid?”
“I’m glad someone appreciates my profession.”
“Well, you could always become a professional stalker.”
“Funny you should say that, because I was hoping to talk to you about Uncle Gordie and Aunt DeDe. You up for lunch today?”
“I am almost scared to hear what this is about. I’m meeting Darlene at 1:30 for a movie, can you do brunch? Wait, are you in a car?”
“I’m driving Mom’s. Its part of the story I want to tell you, and yes I can. Where should we meet?”
“Totek Diner, half hour.”
“Gotcha.”
We both disconnected and before I went another block, I pulled over to the closest convenience store and picked up a five-pack of disposable cameras. I was not going to be caught off guard again. And because of my recent inability to use the last friggin’ camera correctly, I thought it would be best to have a few for back up.
Dad and I pulled into the diner lot at the same time. It was the first time in weeks that the sun had shown. Even though the temperature was barely above freezing, the warm glare of the windshield gave the illusion that spring was close.
My chenille purple scarf was wrapped around my neck twice, once inside my coat and once outside. I pushed on an oversized pair of sunglasses to battle the reflection off of the snow. They also helped to keep my contacts from drying up and falling out of my eyes; the blustering winds were so strong they could take your breath away. When we reached the entrance, Ron forced the door open and I wedged my winter-wear body inside. After sitting, we each ordered our meals and sipped hot coffee, taking the chill out of our bones.
A Family Affair Page 4