“Well, just remember you said it yourself.”
“Speaking of family, I never got to tell you that we saw Uncle Gordie in The Love Den that night too. He was following his girl; I guess she dumped him also. Aunt DeDe is really laying into him, huh? I hate to say it, but I feel kind of bad.”
“He made his own bed. Now he’ll have to eat out of the cookie jar.”
“You mean sleep in it.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“Anyhow, Aunt DeDe wants to use those pictures in court against your uncle for the divorce. But the lawyer says that unless she took them herself, she has to identify the party that took them.”
“So, why doesn’t she say she did?”
“Because everyone that knows her, would testify that if she witnessed that scene personally, it would be a murder trial instead.”
“Good point. But I told you guys I didn’t want to be involved in it after the pictures were taken.”
“I know. So I was wondering if you had any other ideas because she is hell, pardon my language, bent on using them.”
“Why doesn’t she say that someone mailed them to the house with a blackmail note and she happened to open it, being the nosey wife and all?”
“That’s not nice.”
“Well, she is. You and I both know there is no way Uncle Gordie would have been able to receive a suspicious envelope without her looking through it.”
“You have a good point.”
“Can’t you just talk her out of the whole thing? Let’s be real, Mom. She’s never going to find someone else to put up with her bullshit. Maybe if he can start kissing Aunt DeDe’s ass again, it can all be forgotten. Or tell her to sleep with some younger guy from the Social Club and they’ll be even. It’ll be her dirty little secret…and yours and mine eventually, I’m sure.”
“You know, that just might work. She would love the idea of bedding a younger man. It would really give her fifty-something attitude a boost. I mean, I don’t condone it of course, but if it spares me the torture of her divorce I am all for it.”
“If you want, I can always slip a lot attendant a few hundred to hit on her and get the job done if you don’t think she can secure it on her own.”
“Paula! “
“Well…”
“No, no, you’re right. I hate to admit it, but she’d send any lad running in the opposite direction. We’d better make it five hundred. Can you get over there tomorrow? She doesn’t meet with her lawyer again until two weeks from Monday, but the Charity Auction is this Sunday and since Uncle Gordie isn’t going, that could be an opportune time to have some poor fellow seal the deal, so to speak. Or whatever you kids call it these days.”
“Can I use the car?”
“Of course! I’m not even sure they would let you in the parking lot if you were walking, especially from the bus stop. I still have a membership from when your father and I were married; you can use my card. Who knows, maybe you’ll even meet a man yourself, since you claim to not be a lesbian.”
“Alice!”
“Alright then. You know, dear, there was something else I was hoping to talk with you about. I’m not especially proud of your meter maid job.”
“Really?” I asked sarcastically.
“Well, I’ve been thinking. I’m not fond of you following people around either, but for some reason you seem to be especially good at it. I was thinking maybe you should take that money that DeDe paid you and maybe start your own business…as a Private Investigator.”
I burst out laughing. “I’m pretty good at showing up on the news, too. Is there a way I could make money doing that you think?”
“I was just trying to be helpful. Maybe you do want to make minimum wage wearing polyester forever!”
“Oh, come on, that’s not fair!”
“Honestly, Paula, sometimes you are such a pain in my ass! Just forget that I even brought it up.” Alice stormed out of the room, up the stairs and I heard her stomp down the hallway until her bedroom door slammed shut.
This was serious business. Mom rarely raised her voice to that level with me and she never walked off without the conversation being at a mutual ending, never mind the swearing. Sure, she has used curse words in reference, but they were never geared to me directly. She was officially mad.
I sat down at the table and thought about what she suggested and tried to rationalize that it was a stupid idea. I mean do people really hire Private Investigators, never mind a girl one? It was always my understanding that the whole appeal was for a damsel in distress to be rescued by a good looking man in a nice suit who was able to get to the bottom of her mysterious dilemma. But deep down inside I knew that was all bullshit, I was allowing my wavering self confidence to undermine what I knew could be a fantastic opportunity. Besides, Alice would never intentionally steer me in the wrong direction, no matter how many pillow shams I stained.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. I mean, in all honesty, I did seem to have a knack for it. I had hoped to use all of my money to move out, but the truth was it would only get me so far, especially if I stayed in my current profession. Also, mom didn’t even know about the extra seven thousand I had from Uncle Gordie. Coupled with the ten thousand from my aunt, it would probably be enough to rent some space, obtain a certificate to prove I was credible, and cover my costs until business got rolling. A small jump of excitement danced in my gut then quickly dropped because I would want Mitexi by my side. I wasn’t sure I could do it without her. She had balls, so to speak, and sometimes I needed that kick in the ass. Then again, I wasn’t sure if Phillip would ever let us go out alone together again, never mind the fact that she had given birth less than twenty-four hours ago.
So I promised myself I would sleep on the budding idea. Tomorrow I had the worst job ever to accomplish; hiring a boy toy for my aunt. If I could do that, I could do anything. Maybe Alice really was onto something.
-14-
After taking a long, hot shower on Saturday morning, I selected my best looking sweater, jeans that made my bottom look awesome and suede boots. I dried my hair so that it was long and smooth and actually applied a minimal amount of make-up. I couldn’t go to the Social Club in my regular weekend attire; they would turn me away at the door like a homeless person. If it was summer, I wouldn’t even be allowed in with denim, but due to the weather and considering it would only be the lunch crowd by the time I arrived, jeans would fly for today.
Alice had breakfast ready by the time I reached the kitchen. The pot of fresh coffee captured my senses as I poured it into my favorite mug.
“Well, look at you! Any chance you might select a future son-in-law for me while you’re selecting a pimp for Aunt DeDe?”
“I’m the pimp, Mom. I’m selecting a male prostitute.”
“Oh…is that the order?”
“Yes, the pimp is at the top of the hierarchy.”
“We can’t get arrested for this, can we?”
“Nah, I’m not making anyone do anything. I’m only buying his charm as a gift. Whatever happens from there is their business. The lot boys are no dummies when it comes to the wealthy older women. You should see them schmooze most of them, knowing that if they make them feel like queens it will only line their pockets better. To be honest, I am not sure that some aren’t already sleeping with a few of them anyhow.”
“Oh my goodness! That’s awful!”
“Oh, come on, Alice. Most of the husbands are like Uncle Gordie; lots of money and chasing any cute skirt that will give them ten minutes. Why should the wives be any different?”
“I guess you’re right. I was thinking that we could split the five hundred; does that sound okay? If she gets divorced it’ll be awful for both of us. We even chance the risk that she could move in here while she waits for her settlement. I figure we should both invest in her and our happiness.”
“I’ll pay the whole five hundred myself if you really think she could end up here, especially consi
dering that the only available bed is the extra twin in my room. I will live on the streets before I host that slumber party.”
“No, let’s split it. You need to save your cash for your new business.” She winked at me.
I dug into my eggs. Mom had sprinkled them with cheddar cheese and positioned them perfectly on my plate as the hair to strawberry eyes and a cut out toast nose and mouth. I ate in silence, still thinking about her idea from the night before.
The phone rang and as soon as she was distracted, I put my plate in the dishwasher, grabbed her keys and my coat, gave her a quick kiss and motioned that I was leaving.
“Have fun, dear!”
“I will. Thanks for the breakfast. You’ve made the Surgeon General proud again!
My first stop was the hospital. They had kept the baby an extra day as a precaution and of course Mitexi stayed with her. I crossed the parking lot and entered through the much hated revolving door I was always certain would decapitate me the minute someone behind me got their cane jammed in it while I was about to slip through.
The gift shop was on my left and stocked with plenty of stuffed animals and crossword puzzles, even shirts for the out of town visitors. I wondered what kind of person goes to visit a friend or relative in the hospital and buys a shirt that reads ‘Proud Visitor of National Medical Center’? I decided on a group of lilies wrapped in cellophane for Mitexi and a small pink elephant wearing a rhinestone necklace with fur as soft as a bunny’s for the baby. I skipped the card because I have always found them to be a waste of money; I might as well buy it and throw it in the trash can on my way to their room, because that would be its destiny anyhow. Besides, I didn’t know what they had named her yet.
I tapped a gentle knock on the door that had the temporary ‘Scarborough’ paper label decorated with rattles and bears taped to it.
“Hey,” I whispered not wanting to be my usual obnoxious self. “Is everyone awake?”
“Yes, come on in! She just fell asleep but I don’t think she really gives a shit if you’re here or not.”
I was happy to see Mitexi’s blunt attitude had returned, but her appearance was significantly different. She looked calm and relaxed, content even. Her long dark hair flowed over her shoulders and in her arms was a grapefruit sized head wrapped snuggly in a white blanket with wisps of light brown hair peaking through.
“Oh! I love her already! She is still a girl, right?” I placed the gifts on the bed.
Mitexi laughed. “Yes, we are the proud lesbian parents of a future woman lover.”
“Where’s Phillip?”
“He left about an hour ago, he had a few phone calls to make and Enola had a list of about two thousand things for him to take care of before we come home. I thought she was crazy before but Phillip says I’d better brace myself.”
“What did you decide on for a name?”
“Well, it was a pretty big battle. At one point a nurse came in and said she would have everyone removed, even me, if we didn’t take it down a notch. My mother stormed out and called a cab for a ride home. I told you she thought she was the pregnant one.”
I could so picture the drama. What made if funnier was that Phillip was the most reserved and grounded person I had ever met and he sat like cool pond between two hot geysers.
“Who won?”
“Believe it or not, we compromised. Good thing the birth certificate has to be signed before the baby can leave or it could have gone on for decades. She’d be leaving for college and would have to write ‘pending’ in the name section of her application.”
Mitexi took a long sip of the tall iced tea on the table next to her. “So, the final decision was Istas Wynona Scarborough. Istas means snow so that we could reference Phillips pasty skin, Wynona means first born daughter, and of course you know the last name, which even came into question at one point.”
“I think it’s great! I was hoping there wouldn’t be some sort of porno reference in there. You know that old Native American rule about naming the baby in accordance to where they were conceived or born. I thought you’d be shooting for something like Threesome Scarborough.”
Mitexi spit out her next gulp of iced tea and it landed on Istas forehead. I burst out laughing. Oddly, the baby didn’t even flinch. “This poor girl has no idea of the craziness she just stepped into.”
We both stared in amazement at the new addition. I felt the warm burn in my gut that you get with a first love.
“So, listen, if it’s okay I wanted to talk with you about something. Or do you want me to wait?”
“Shoot.”
“Will Phillip let us hang out together still?”
“Absolutely. His greater fear is that I never leave the house and be stuck with Enola all day and no one wins in that situation.”
“Okay, good. On to my next question; Alice made a suggestion last night and even though I laughed at her, which prompted her to swear at me, I think she might have had a really good idea.”
“Swearing at you must have meant business.”
“Exactly.”
“What was it?”
“She thinks I should take the money I earned from my poster children for broken marriage relatives and become a legal Private Investigator. You know, like start my own business. It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
Mitexi didn’t say anything right away and I got nervous. She was so quick-witted and silence could only mean that she was coming up with a civil way to tell me I was insane without hurting me.
When she spoke, she sounded hurt. “You’re leaving me behind?”
“Hell no! I want you to be my partner! I know you just had the baby but I thought maybe you could answer phones or something while we got established. We could set a port-a-potty in the office and you could bring the baby along until she gets bigger and could spend some more time with Enola.”
“Port-a-crib.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“I just wasn’t sure if you had planned on going back to your old job after a few months and I don’t want to influence you.”
“Phillip and I already discussed it long before the baby came. I had already told them I wasn’t returning. Those days are over.”
“So, what do you say? I have enough to rent an office and cover the costs until we get some customers. We just need to get legal, but for you there is no rush. You can step in when you are ready.”
“I think it’s a kick ass idea! I almost feel like I should go buy a cape or something!”
She put the baby in the bassinet and we carefully jumped up and down hugging each other and giggling until a mean nurse named Sybil opened the door and shook her finger at us like two teenagers who just got caught smoking in the high school bathroom.
“Yes, ma’am.” We spoke in unison and quietly sat back down.
“I am so excited!” I whispered carefully. “I have to get going; I need to get to the Social Club. I’ll tell you that story later. I don’t want to get bounced by Nurse Schwarzenegger.”
We exchanged hugs and I gave Istas a soft kiss on her perfect cheek. She smelled of Downy and lavender and in the back of my mind I could hear Alice rooting for her own grandbaby.
-15-
Old Man Winter was back on the clock and had kicked the snow into full blast by the time I made it back out to Alice’s car. I was worried that the Social Club would close, but clung to the hope that since the Charity Auction was tomorrow; they’d still be open and getting set up. And considering most of the members were big drinkers, staying inside while getting hammered and telling the help what to do shouldn’t be an issue.
I pulled the Saab wagon into the valet section and noticed that only two young men were working today. The one that approached my car was maybe nineteen and timid. He had two large pimples that peaked through the few hairs he was so desperately trying to pull off as a beard. There was no way Aunt DeDe was going to go for that. I gave him my keys and grabbed my purse while he handed me a ticket.
/> As I walked past the enclosed key station and approached the main lobby, I noticed the other guy behind the podium appeared a few years older than my ticket taker. He had a nice, v-shaped build, and his short blond hair was gelled to look messy. I stopped and asked him if he knew what time the auction was tomorrow, just to get a feel for his confidence level. To my surprise, there was no lack of it.
“Hey there, sweet cheeks. You’re looking pretty good in those jeans.”
“Do you talk to all the members that way?” Sadly, I have to admit I was completely flattered.
“Only the good tippers and the ones that I know won’t get me fired over it. I suspect you are the latter.”
He definitely was the kid or relative of one of the rich members, because hardly anyone his age used the word latter correctly in a sentence without a significant education in their background. My first instinct was to give him a piece of my mind for implying I would be a bad tipper, but then my rational sense reminded me I was here to do a job. I fluttered my eyelashes and responded with a flirty laugh.
“Of course I wouldn’t get you fired! You must make out pretty good with the wealthy women though, huh?
“You know it, especially if they have been drinking all afternoon. You’d be surprised at how many are looking for more. If I had a dollar for every time one of them pinched my Dockers…”
“Really? You ever take them up on it?” I rested my chin in my hands and stared straight into his eyes as if I was completely taken with his bragging.
“There have been a few that have paid me for some private company, if you know what I mean. There is no way I would turn down that kind of easy money.”
“Wow, you must really be something!” I forced myself to continue to the conversation and remind myself silently, Butter him up Paula. Butter him up.
He kissed each of his arms and then winked at me. “These guns are no joke.”
I looked away for an instant to wipe the tear out of my eye and keep from laughing right in his face. When I turned back, I said, “You want to make some more money?”
A Family Affair Page 7