“Sober for seven years,” Leah said. “We go to the same meetings now.”
“Okay, well now I really need to know,” Zoe said. “How about you, Amanda? What was your prom night curfew?”
Amanda spent prom night in the emergency room with her mom, who had spiked a fever after her last round of chemo. Since she had no intention of going to her prom, the fever didn’t spoil anything but a night watching Harry Potter movies. “2:00 a.m.,” Amanda blurted.
“Well, there you go. That sounds more normal,” Zoe said.
“What year did you graduate again?” Leah asked.
“It was five years ago, “ Amanda said trying to make her way back to the door casually.
“Did you graduate with Steve Tubman?” Leah asked. “He’s my ex’s stepbrother, and is the cutest kid. You should date him, now that I think about it. I know he’s single, and If I wasn’t so angry at my ex every minute of the day I would call him to get Steve’s number.”
New dangerous territory. Amanda didn’t want to talk about her dating life any more than she wanted to talk about her home life. “I graduated from Apple Falls, not Terrance. Anyway, I should get some casenotes…” she said heading out the door.
“You don’t need to set up Amanda with anyone,” Zoe said with a smile. “I think that new county attorney is smitten.”
That got her attention. Amanda turned around and was so flustered that she knew she was blushing.
“Look at you!” Leah said. “You’re smitten too!”
Amanda tried to will the blood to leave her cheeks, but could not come up with any sort of response, as usual. This was not good. Leah would never let this go.
“Call me a cougar to use a horrible cliché, but he’s yummy.” Leah said.
Zoe grinned. “He is super cute, but Leah you would destroy his gentle spirit, and anyway, Amanda’s got dibs.”
“I don’t have dibs,” Amanda, said, suddenly regaining the power of speech. “He’s just a friend.” Old friend. True friend. Yummy friend… An image of her hands sliding over Jake’s naked back popped into her mind, and she looked away to keep them from somehow gazing into her dirty mind. “I’m going to work now.” Amanda walked away, realizing that she was completely busted.
“You love him …” Amanda heard Leah sing-song as she went back to her cube. Of course she loved him, in some sort of capacity she was unable to define, but there was no way she wanted anyone to know that, least of all Jacob.
Chapter Twenty-Three
A pretrial hearing is just a formal way to get the parties together one more time before the CHIPS trial, and to settle any discovery or other trial issues. Shouldn’t be a big deal,” Jacob said as he packed up his files to head up to the courtroom. He was wearing a suit, not just a jacket and tie, and he looked nervous, though he was trying to act like he wasn’t.
“What do you need from me?” Amanda asked.
“I think you just need to sit by me when we talk to him and make sure that I’m saying everything correctly. You know your file way better than I do, so you’ll understand the social work stuff.” Jake held the door open for her, and she walked through.
They headed up to the courtroom on the third floor where they would be having the hearing. Chuck Thomas was already there, chatting with the bailiff about turkey hunting. Skip Huseman was not there yet. Jake and Amanda strolled the hallways, Amanda looking out the window and Jake reviewing his file occasionally.
Skip Huseman arrived forty-five minutes late and barely glanced at Jacob. He breezed by the bailiff and Chuck Thomas, saying, “We’re ready to go in.”
The bailiff, a longtime sheriff’s deputy with dozens of grandkids that he bragged about to anyone who would listen, stood up and followed Huseman. “Ready for the judge, already? Aren’t you going to meet with Mann and the gal first?” Jake and Amanda had moved toward the bailiff’s desk assuming that Skip would accompany them to a meeting room to hammer out issues about evidence and witnesses.
“I said we’re ready now.” Skip said. Edgy. His chill made Amanda very nervous. They followed the bailiff and Skip into the court room silently. Amanda and Jake sat at the table on the left, Skip and Chuck, minus any of Skip’s associates, sat on the right.
“All rise,” the bailiff said, and Amanda stood up, once again feeling like she was in a TV courtroom. A judge walked out that Amanda did not recognize. Jake looked down with what Amanda realized was a suppressed grin. “The Honorable Judge Matthew Bach presiding. Court will come to order. You may be seated.”
“Good morning,” Judge Bach said and nodded to both tables.
“Good morning, Judge,” Skip said, his voice thick with schmooze. “And welcome to my hometown, as coincidence would have it.” Ballsy, Amanda thought. He may as well pee in the corner for as much as he was trying to claim his territory.
“This is the case in the matter of the welfare of the child of Charles and Vivian Thomas, court file JV-78778.” Amanda was pleased that the judge was not going to acknowledge any claim staking. “Please note your appearances for the record.”
“Jacob Mann, two N’s, Terrence County Attorney’s office.”
“Amanda Danscher, Terrence County Social Services.” The judge’s head popped up and looked at her a beat too long. Judge Bach appeared to be in his early to mid forties, with graying blonde hair and a soothing voice like a radio announcer. This judge was familiar looking, and Amanda got lost in her thoughts trying to place him.
“I expect to call both social workers,” Jacob was saying, which brought Amanda back to the present. Judge Bach looked at her again, or maybe he was looking at Jacob. She had completely lost track of what was happening.
“We’ll set the final hearing for May 4th,” the judge said. “We’ll get an order from today in just a moment.” A petite clerk popped up from the desk next to the judge and moved to the room behind the courtroom to make copies of the order she had just printed.
Jacob looked at Amanda with his eyebrows raised and a small smile. He looked pleased, but Amanda hadn’t a clue why.
The bailiff stood and moved toward the judge. “Permission to approach, Judge?”
Judge Bach stood and leaned across to shake the bailiff’s hand. “Good to see you, Ed.”
Ed, the bailiff, shook Judge Bach’s hand with both of his. “Sorry to hear about your mom, Matt.”
They were talking loud enough that it was impossible not to hear, but it still felt like they were eavesdropping.
“Thanks, Ed. We were praying for her to go in the end, but it was still really tough.”
“I know Ellie said that she was relieved for you,” Ed said. “She said you barely left her side, and that’s too much when you’re the only one.”
The judge looked down in response, and Amanda glanced sideways to see that Jacob was listening too. The clerk returned and brought them copies of the court order from the hearing. Chuck Thomas took the order and leaned toward Skip to say something. He gave a one word answer, snapped his briefcase closed, and walked out of the room. Chuck Thomas followed looking angry.
“That went well,” Jacob said, as they gathered their papers slowly enough so they did not have to talk to Skip and Chuck in the hallway. “Judge Bach is a good judge, and even though he’s from here, he’s not from here. He actually lives about twenty miles out of town, but he’s based in St. Paul. Could you see how frustrated Huseman was that we had a different judge?” Amanda could only nod because she hadn’t paid attention to anything. “This judge is a good guy,” Jake said. Trustworthy, Amanda thought. Safe.
“I’m glad you feel good about him, “ Amanda said.
He stopped to look at Amanda. “You didn’t pay attention to this hearing at all. You were a million miles away.”
She paused a moment too long. “No, I wasn’t.”
“Are you worried about testifying?” His eyes were wide and serious.
She met his eyes and felt her stomach drop a bit. “It’ll be okay. I can handle it.”
<
br /> “Oh, I know you can handle it. You’re a natural witness because you’re smart and articulate, and very likable. I just don’t want you to worry about it.” They stopped by the elevator, and he shifted his books to his other arm to push the button for the basement.
“I’m fine.” Amanda said, warmed by his compliments. “And thank you.”
* * *
Driving home that night, Amanda’s thoughts wandered back to Judge Bach. She remembered how Max had talked in their last staff meeting about how sometimes foster care just makes things worse for kids, because it shows them what they could have had. Amanda had always known that her life was not normal, but she had never spent much time thinking about what could have been. Would she be the same person if she had happy, healthy, normal parents? What if she had a blonde brother who was a senior when she was a sophomore and they blasted their music as they drove to school together? Who would she have been if she weren’t alone?
She turned off Main Street and drove toward the railroad tracks. Amanda had not visited the house for several weeks because she just didn’t know what to do about it. A part of her thought she was delusional for thinking that the house belonged to her grandmother based on only the vaguest sketches of memories. Another part had no doubts. She pulled over onto the hardened crust of ice, sand and snow that lined many streets in the winter. Had her mother walked out that front door, never to return? Did she regret the estrangement? She imagined her mother carrying her inside when she was brand new, showing her off. What did her grandmother say? Was she proud? Her mother was eighteen when she had her. Does that mean her grandmother was angry with her? At some point, they got along well enough for Amanda to play at her house. Why did that end?
Amanda suddenly ached for answers. If there was someone else in her life, where was she now? Amanda thought about going to the door and meeting the person who lived inside. Would it be that easy to meet her grandmother, if her delusion was actually real?
Amanda got out of the car and walked across the street and up the driveway and looked at the butterflies attached to the siding by the garage. Shades of a lighter tan peeked through the current pinky brown siding. The front door was hollow looking wood and worn to splinters. Had she been on these steps before?
With a gulp, Amanda forced herself to knock. The sound was empty and cold—no footsteps or voices. There was a small square window in the door that appeared to be covered with newspaper. Blinds covered a larger window by the front door, and Amanda peaked through an opening in the blinds. The carpet in the living room was flat, dark green, and very old. There was no furniture on the carpet. The house was empty.
Empty. If Amanda’s grandmother had lived there, she wasn’t there anymore. Back to being alone.
The idea of going home to an empty apartment was miserable. Amanda took out her phone and dialed. Her friend answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Lucy. Can I bring you some dinner?”
* * *
During her first two years of college, Amanda spent a lot of her time with the guys on her dorm floor. She found them easier to talk to, because they didn’t want to talk about anything of substance most of the time. They watched football and college basketball and played Nintendo. As the token female, she fell into the role of preparing the food, but Amanda enjoyed it. She did not grow up with a lot of homemade meals, so she prepared the foods that were familiar: frozen pizza, French fries, and spaghetti with sauce from a jar. Her most requested meal was just a giant sub made from a large loaf of French bread and deli meat, but the guys loved it. Since Lucy was still on bed rest and forced to lie on her left side most of the day, Amanda stopped at the grocery store and bought ingredients for her famous sub since it would be easy to eat lying down.
The sun was setting as she drove to their home, and she noted with a Minnesotan’s relief that the sun was setting later and later. She pulled into Will and Lucy’s driveway when the sky glowed orange and the stars were coming out.
Amanda knocked and walked in the door.
“I’m so happy you are here!” Lucy yelled from her perch on the couch. “Please come and distract me. If I watch any more daytime TV my IQ will drop below the room temperature.”
She went into the living room and found Lucy lying on the couch on her left side, black hair standing up crazily on her left side. Normally petite and almost frail looking, Lucy’s face was round and puffy. She was wearing a scoop neck nightshirt and flannel pajama pants, and her pregnancy breasts were spilling over the neck of her nightie. Amanda smiled at the sight of her, and felt a surge of gratitude that she had such a sweet and loyal friend.
“How’s Oprah?” Amanda asked on her way to the kitchen.
“You know, I have to tell you that she’s kind of bitchy sometimes. And patronizing.” Lucy was trying to sit up a little higher so she could see Amanda over the back of the couch as she prepared dinner. “I don’t think she would be any fun to hang out with.”
“So tell her you’re busy next time she calls.” Amanda said.
“I’m too desperate for company,” Lucy said. “I’d even hang out with Dr. Phil if he called, and think how awful that would be.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t be going to that dinner party,” Amanda said. She pulled out the ingredients and started assembling her sandwich.
Lucy dragged herself to a sitting position. “How’s work? How’s your life? Tell me something interesting.”
Amanda pondered how to answer that question. Her instinct was to be vague and superficial, but she decided to just tell the truth. “I went to that house. The familiar house that I thought might belong to my grandmother, or someone like that.”
“Okay that’s interesting,” Lucy said with wide eyes. “So you went up to the door or what?”
Amanda put the top bread on her sandwich and pushed it down lightly. “Yeah, I went up to the door. I knocked but there was no answer. I could see past the newspaper taped in the front window, and there was no furniture in the room or anything.” She let out a sigh.
Lucy made a sad face and looked like she could cry. “Are you sure? Maybe there’s something else you could do to find out who lives there.”
Amanda nodded. “I suppose that’s possible.” She cut the sandwiches and served their dinner on plates, bringing them to the coffee table. She sat on the couch next to Lucy’s feet, laid back and covered her eyes with both hands. “I don’t know anymore. This is a delusion anyway. Thank you for humoring me, but I need to rejoin the real world.”
“I’m sorry, Amanda.” Lucy shifted and sat up next to Amanda on the couch. “So how are you doing? Were you really hoping that you would find someone in your family?”
Amanda looked down to hide her own tears. “I don’t know. A lot of times my life is okay and I don’t think about how awful it was for me growing up. But it always comes back to this horrible aching feeling that I am so completely alone.”
“Oh Amanda …”
“I know, Lucy. I know you’re my family, and I’m so grateful for that.” Amanda smiled a little as she realized that she really did trust that Lucy was her family. “It just would have been nice to have someone who shares my biology. The kind of family that can be considered next of kin. You know what I mean.”
“Sometimes biological family is highly over-rated,” Lucy said with a smile as she bit into her sandwich.
“I won’t tell your baby that in fifteen years when she comes to her Auntie Amanda and says that she can’t stand her family and wants to be emancipated.”
“Thanks for that.” Lucy said, one hand on her belly, the other on her food. “Great sandwich, as always.”
“That’s home cooking for you.” Amanda said.
“Anything new at work?” Lucy asked. “I really do want to hear about the world outside of these doors.”
“Bed rest is not your friend, is it?” Lucy just stared at her and waited. “Jake and I were in court today on our big ugly case.”
Amanda went on to tell her about J
udge Bach and how the attorney tried to suck up to him but it didn’t work.
“Impressive,” Lucy said, “although it really shouldn’t be. Judges are supposed to be impartial, right?”
“Of course, but that seems so much harder in this town,” Amanda said, realizing it was true. “Everybody knows everybody. It matters who you were when you were sixteen. That’s what pisses me off. When I was sixteen I was nobody. I was less than nobody.” Amanda heard how she sounded and tried to find something to say that didn’t sound so bitter and sad. “Anyway, I really liked that judge. He seemed really fair and thoughtful.” Amanda’s cheeks got warm as she thought about him again. Lucy noticed and raised her eyebrows.
“Looks like you liked him. Do you like him or just like him?” Lucy leaned forward as far as her belly would allow.
“Oh, gosh, Lucy. I just thought he was a good judge.” Amanda got up and started clearing their dinner.
“Clearly.” Lucy said. “Remember that you are betrothed to Jacob, and the two of you have to get married and buy the house next door to ours so our kids can grow up together.”
Amanda’s stomach dropped and she smiled involuntarily. “You need to get a grip on reality.”
Lucy sat back looking exhausted and full, even though she ate about a quarter of her sandwich. “I understand reality just fine, and the retired couple next door is talking about getting a townhouse. I’m just saying …”
* * *
Amanda dreamed about Judge Bach that night. She was pitching softballs at him, and he was a goalie in a hockey net making glove saves. He was on the ice, and she was on a softball field. He wasn’t wearing a goalie mask, so she could see his face clearly as he gave her pointers on her pitching. Jacob was on the sidelines with Trix, Michael, Lucy and William cheering her on. Jacob brought her a hockey stick and told her she needed to start playing hockey, but Amanda argued and told him that she needed to stay on the pitcher’s mound. Judge Bach approached the mound and told her to keep throwing softballs because he could handle anything she threw at him. Jacob threw up his hands and left the field. Amanda threw another ball at Judge Bach and hit him in the face. Amanda could see blood dripping on the ice and watched the paramedics load him on a stretcher when she woke up, still feeling guilty that she injured a judge. Then she was embarrassed that she dreamed about a judge, and grateful that no one knew how good it felt to see his face, even if it was in a dream.
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