Long after he had gone she continued to sit there and wondered just how she had any hope of surviving the next year when she could barely keep herself together for one hour in his company. The problem was that he knew how to break her apart and put her back together with ease. Only before she had loved and trusted him but now she barely even recognised the man who would be sharing her bed. Everything that she had once loved about him seemed to have vanished and in its place was this hard unyielding man who wouldn’t give an inch.
How was she going to survive the next year living with him? Sharing a life with him? And loving him? No, that couldn’t happen. She was absolutely determined that could never happen. She wouldn’t give him the power to destroy her twice. She would just have to find a way of keeping things casual and not letting her heart get involved. No emotion meant no chance of him stomping all over her fragile heart for a second time.
CHAPTER FOUR
By the next morning Lilly was starting to get used to her lack of sleep. Despite being exhausted she had found herself lying awake long after she had gone to bed her head spinning with all the thoughts going round. Eventually she fell in to a fitful sleep but she woke early with a pounding head and a sick feeling in her stomach. Dragging herself up she showered quickly and stared in to the mirror unable to believe how ill she looked. Her face was so pale it was practically white and slight bruises showed beneath her eyes where the lack of sleep had taken its toll. Running a hand through her damp hair she returned to her room to choose an outfit while wishing that this sick feeling would disappear.
Choosing an outfit proved harder than she had thought. What did one wear when being blackmailed back in to their husband’s bed? All her dresses while having the added effect of making her look more attractive also made it look like she was making an effort for his benefit which she definitely didn’t want him thinking. Her normal attire of jeans and a top seemed too relaxed as though she were making a statement that she wasn’t going to change for him. While that was certainly true she didn’t want him thinking that he bothered her so much that she had to make a statement. What she needed was something neutral that made her seem indifferent to him and unconcerned about moving back in to his home.
Having finally decided on black trousers and a casual red top she paired it with black shoes and made her way downstairs. Melissa was still asleep and she was too edgy to relax though she gave it a good go as she turned on the TV and tried to lose herself in one of her favourite shows. It didn’t work and she worried her lower lip with her teeth as she tried to forget that this would be her last morning to herself.
She had called her mother the day before and told her that she had found a way to pay off their debt. While relieved her mother couldn’t help but be suspicious when she found out that Lilly had decided to move back in with Connor. She had refused to accept the money if that was the only reason that Lilly was going back to him and so Lilly had done the only thing she could. She had lied. She had told her mother that Connor had agreed to give her the money but that after seeing him again she had realised how much she missed him and they had decided to give their marriage another go. Although her mother had been sceptical at first she had finally come round and now believed that Lilly really was in love with her husband again. It probably helped that her mother hadn’t known exactly what happened between them. She had known that they had lost a child and had thought that was what had driven them apart. Lilly was too ashamed to tell anyone about Alexis.
She felt more alone than ever now. She couldn’t confide in anyone about Connor or her worries about being back there with him. Even Angelica believed that she was going back to him because she loved him. It was almost too easy to fool people in to believing that this was her choice when the truth was she was terrified of going back to him.
The day passed in a blur as she tried to keep Melissa entertained while she let people in to pack away her life and ship it off somewhere else. By the time the car arrived she was too worn out to be worried and she kept a faint smile in place as Melissa bounced around in excitement.
Too soon they were there and Lilly stared up at the large house with some trepidation as memories assailed her. It would have strengthened her resolve if all the memories had been bad but the problem was that they hadn’t been. Nearly all her memories from this house had been good. From lazy days in bed making love to her husband to the laughing arguments they’d had over what music to listen to. It made her long for those days to be back and she wished she could forget the betrayal and simply go back to the way things were. It was that sort of thinking that was dangerous to her heart and she steeled herself before opening the door and helping Melissa out first.
The door opened before they reached it and there he was. It made Lilly suck in a sudden breath at the sight of him for how many times had he opened the door to her and she had drunk him in like a woman starved before they had found themselves wrapped in each other’s arms. Clearly he was remembering the same thing if his smug grin was anything to go by and she stiffened her spine as she led Melissa in to the house.
“Wow, it’s huge,” Melissa announced in awe as she stared round in childlike excitement. Lilly wished that she could show the same enthusiasm but she barely even glanced at her old home as she avoided Connor’s knowing gaze and instead focused on her little sister glad that she had something else to focus on.
“Wait until you see your room,” Connor told her and they both turned wide eyes on him at that. Melissa’s eyes glittered with excitement while Lilly’s were accusatory. Just what was he playing at?
“Her room?” Lilly questioned coldly and he sent her a disarming smile as though everything were just the way it used to be.
“Of course. I made sure that they made it in to a room fit for a princess with new dolls and games and all sorts,” he told Melissa who was nearly jumping about in excitement.
“Can we go look?” Melissa begged and Lilly gave a wan smile.
“Of course,” she said and would have gone to the stairs if Connor hadn’t caught hold of her wrist stalling her.
“Actually I thought Carmen would be better to show you the room while I have a quick chat with Lilly,” he told Melissa who seemed to weigh that up before giving him a beaming smile.
“Okay,” she said and a young woman stepped forward to take her hand and lead her upstairs with squeals of excitement echoing down to them.
“What do you want?” Lilly asked as silence descended between them and he sent her a questioning glance.
“I have to want something in order to spend time with my wife?” he asked curiously and she rolled her eyes. He was playing up the caring husband role when they both knew that wasn’t who he was.
“I should make sure Melissa’s alright,” she told him as she tried to follow in their direction but he caught her around the waist before she could take more than a step and spun her round to face him.
“What have you been doing to yourself?” he asked huskily as one of his hands came up to frame her face and his thumb ran lightly over the dark circle under her eye.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” she said trying to pull free but he simply pulled her closer.
“You’re clearly not fine Lilly,” he told her as he ran his gaze speculatively down her frame. No doubt noticing all the imperfections, she thought angrily. Probably comparing her with all his other women who would never have dared to grace his presence looking anything less than perfect.
“You might have forced me back here but let’s not pretend that you’re the loving husband concerned about my welfare,” she told him coldly and he stilled as his gaze narrowed on her pale face.
“Let’s call it a healthy concern for the woman who will be sharing my bed then, hmm?” he asked and she shook her head in disbelief.
“I told you. I’m fine,” she repeated and he shook his dark head as he took her face gently between his hands.
“You’re anything but fine,” he countered and she tore herself free from his
hands.
“Well can you blame me? It’s been a stressful few days,” she reminded him and he gave a slow nod.
“Okay. We’ll leave it for now,” he allowed and she sighed.
“Thank you,” she said as she went to follow after Melissa only to halt again as he caught her to him and placed a brief kiss against her parted lips.
“Dinner’s at eight,” he told her as he pulled away and she gave him an uncertain nod before ascending the staircase and following the sound of childish chatter until she found Melissa.
Lilly stopped dead in the doorway as she surveyed the large room that looked like a little girl’s paradise. The room was all pink with frills and princess pictures everywhere. There was every toy imaginable scattered around the room and Melissa was happily playing in the middle of it all. It made her heart ache to think that if things had been different it could have been her daughter playing in here. Shrugging off the feeling Lilly summoned a smile and stepped in to the room where she spent the next few hours playing pretend with Melissa and her dolls.
After tucking Melissa in to bed she descended the stairs to the dining room and was disturbed to find the table set for two with romantic flowers and candlelight. She didn’t want any of the romance or reminders of how things used to be between them and it disturbed her that he was going out of his way to try and make things how they used to be.
“I was just going to come track you down,” Connor said from behind her and Lilly spared him a quick glance.
“I’m not really hungry. Think I’ll just go to bed,” Lilly told him as she realised that she didn’t feel up to a night of seduction or meaningless chatter.
“Sit down Lilly,” he said and she frowned at him.
“I really don’t think I could eat anything,” she said firmly as she began to back away but he didn’t take his dark gaze from her.
“Which is why you’re wasting away. Now sit down,” he said equally firmly and still she hesitated.
“You can’t just force to me to eat when I’m not hungry,” she snapped and he raised one brow.
“No, but be warned that if you go upstairs I will simply fetch you back here,” he told her and with a huff of disgust she finally sat down silently fuming and determined that she wouldn’t acknowledge him in the slightest.
No sooner had she sat down than a housekeeper appeared with two plates that she set in front of them and then she silently disappeared again. It felt strange having staff wait on her. Even when they’d first been married they hadn’t employed anyone but a cleaner as they’d wanted to do everything for themselves but it seemed Connor’s tastes had now changed.
“Eat up,” Connor instructed and Lilly gave a deep sigh as she turned her attention to the homemade beef stew that sat before her. It had been one of her favourites when they had first married and she was surprised he even remembered.
Lilly took a few bites and was amazed at how delicious it was but she couldn’t manage much more than a few mouthfuls before her stomach began to rebel and instead she just pushed the food around her plate while drinking the wine instead.
“If you keep this up you’ll be drunk before dessert,” Connor warned her and she glared at him over the rim of her glass.
“I didn’t realise that living with you also meant I had to eat and drink when you told me to,” she said flippantly and he gave a rough sigh.
“Fine,” he responded and before she could guess what he had planned he had pushed back his chair and stormed in to the kitchen giving Lilly a brief reprieve from his overwhelming presence. A very brief reprieve she acknowledged moments later as he reappeared again.
“Let’s go,” he instructed and Lilly stared at him in confusion.
“Go where?” she asked uncertainly and he came over to help her up from her chair.
“To bed. You clearly don’t want to sit here and have a normal conversation over a nice meal so let’s go to the one place we were always completely in tune,” he said making Lilly suddenly wish that she’d made more of an effort with the meal.
“I thought I’d sleep in with Melissa tonight. Make sure she settles in alright,” Lilly protested and his expression hardened.
“No,” he answered with a hint of steel that she chose to ignore.
“She’ll be nervous about sleeping in a new place,” Lilly told him and not a hint of emotion showed on his face.
“Which is why she has a nanny next door in case she wakes up,” he informed her.
“I still think it would be better if I stay with her,” she said but Connor had clearly had enough.
“Lilly, either you walk up these stairs by my side or I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you there myself,” he warned and realising that he was serious she reluctantly followed him up the stairs.
The master suite looked exactly the same as she remembered it and she fought the urge to flee. May as well get it over with now since it was obvious that Connor wasn’t going to let her have a few days to adjust.
“You can use the bathroom first if you like,” he offered and with a dark glance his way she selected a pair of pyjamas from the drawer and entered the bathroom. After changing quickly she washed her face, brushed her teeth and let her hair down. She ran her hands loosely through it and then gave up on hiding out. What was the point of staying hidden away in here when it wouldn’t change anything?
Taking a deep breath she exited the bathroom and barely even glanced his way as she slid beneath the covers and turned on her side to face away from him. It didn’t stop her from being acutely aware of every move he made. And when he finally exited the bathroom and slid in to bed beside her she was fully aware that he was naked just inches from her. Expecting him to reach for her and exercise his bedroom rights she was stunned when instead he switched the light off and everything went quiet and still. She remained where she was tense and barely breathing as she wished she were anywhere but there.
“For god’s sake Lilly, just relax. I’m not about to jump you,” Connor said in to the darkness and she stiffened.
“I am relaxed,” she lied and he snorted.
“Right, that’s why you’re hanging on to the edge of the bed for dear life,” he said mockingly and before she could retaliate he reached out and scooped her in to his arms so she was pressed firmly against him. Parts of her more so than others.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded trying to struggle from his hold and realising that she was having more effect on a certain part of his anatomy instead.
“Go to sleep,” he murmured as he placed a light kiss against her hair and she lay there in his arms listening to his breathing even out. And eventually she felt her eyelids begin to flutter even as she fought to keep them open.
Connor knew the exact moment she fell asleep as she relaxed in to his hold and snuggled closer. His mouth was a grim line as he absently stroked his hand over her hair. She looked altogether too fragile and it was clear she wasn’t taking care of herself. But how was he supposed to look after her when she fought him at every turn? You would think he had committed a grievous sin the way she was reacting. He knew that she had needed time to come to terms with the loss of their baby and that it was probably easier for her to blame him than to accept that it was an unavoidable misfortune but five years was a long time. He had thought that if he gave her time then she would find her way back to him but it seemed she had lost that path. He had been forced to give her that extra shove that bought her back to him and now he had no intention of letting her go. She was his wife and she clearly hadn’t been taking care of herself properly which meant that he would have to make sure she did from now on. She might resent him for it but what were a few more sins to add to his collection.
The next morning Lilly awoke and was surprised to realise how rested she felt, it was the best night’s sleep she’d had in ages. Since she’d left him if she was honest. It was that thought that made her glance to her right only to discover that she was alone in bed. She wasn’t sure how
to feel about that. She should be glad that Connor wasn’t forcing her in to something she didn’t think she was ready for but instead she felt uneasy about it all. Why wasn’t he doing his level best to seduce her in to submission like she’d assumed he would? Unless it was because he had her back where he wanted her but was happy to continue seeing his other women.
She was surprised from her thoughts when suddenly there was a knock at the door and the cook entered with a tray clasped firmly in her hands.
“Good Morning. Connor suggested I bring you some breakfast,” the older woman said and Lilly smiled as she accepted the tray.
“That’s very generous of you, thank you.” Lilly said and the older woman smiled back at her.
“Your young charge has already eaten and is busy colouring in her room so you take your time and relax,” the cook said before she went back out the way she had come.
Lilly’s smile faded as soon as the older woman had left. The breakfast consisted of bacon and eggs. It looked and smelled absolutely delicious but just the memory of the last time she had sat in this bed eating breakfast was enough to make her sick to her stomach. Pushing the uneaten food away she decided that what she needed was a nice relaxing bath.
By the time she had towelled herself dry and dressed in her comfiest pair of jeans and a plain top the breakfast things had been removed and the bed made. Obviously Connor employed more than just a cook now. Needing to feel herself for just a short time Lilly tracked Melissa down and spent most of the day just enjoying the simple pleasure of playing childlike games and drawing pictures. She was so engrossed in her task that she didn’t even notice that Connor had returned home. He stood for a moment in the doorway watching them both as they laughed and joked while drawing. A pain pierced his heart at the thought that if things had been different this could have been their own child’s nursery and he wondered if this was what it would have been like if they’d had a daughter. Would he have raced home each day so he could spend as much time as possible with his family just enjoying the little moments?
Their Marriage Reunited Page 5