“Dad’s just been busy with work a lot,” she said in a breezy tone that didn’t fool Connor for an instant. She was clearly uncomfortable with the questioning and was hiding something. He also highly doubted that her father had been busy with the business since he’d heard through the grapevine that the old man rarely turned up at work anymore and when he did he was three sheets to the wind.
“Are you sure that’s all there is to it?” Connor asked. He knew better than to push her for answers she wasn’t willing to give but it just seemed strange that she was being so cautious when discussing the man who had raised her and whose side she had taken in her parent’s divorce.
“What else could there be?” she asked with a fixed smile in place. Connor knew that there was more to it but they were on their honeymoon and he was very aware that one wrong word and every bridge that they had built lately would come crashing down around his ears. It went against everything in him but reluctantly he moved the conversation away and didn’t push for more. He could see the relief that went through her at that and it made him more determined than ever to get to the bottom of whatever she was hiding.
Their honeymoon seemed to pass quickly and things were going well for them. They had managed to traverse the uncomfortable conversations fairly well and hadn’t touched upon anything that managed to cause an argument. Their honeymoon had been filled with fun, laughter and plenty of lovemaking. They had grown closer over the past few weeks and all the secrets were starting to weigh on Lilly. She was struggling to keep herself detached from Connor and everyday became a battle against revealing everything. She knew that there would be no going forward for them until everything was out in the open but at the same time she didn’t want to face the past all over again. There were only two possible outcomes of telling Connor the truth. Either he would tell her that it was all true and she would have to face that pain and betrayal all over again, or he would tell her that it was all lies and she would hate herself for wasting all this time because of a lie. She would hate herself even more for allowing a lie to cause the miscarriage of their child. Even though the doctors had tried several times to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault she hadn’t been able to completely dispel the fear that it was. Lilly wasn’t sure which scenario would be worse and it was one of the reasons that she had avoided bringing the past in to the present and risking their reunion.
“You seem deep in thought,”
Lilly started as Connor dropped in to the chair next to her. She had been sat out on their balcony watching the sunrise as she contemplated what she should do next. She couldn’t keep going the way that she was. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff, unable to step back but afraid to take that final step too. She couldn’t fully reunite with Connor until everything was out in the open but she was scared to open herself up to that vulnerability.
“I was just thinking about us,” Lilly answered honestly.
“Not having second thoughts are you?” Connor asked in what she supposed would be considered a flippant tone. She saw beneath that to his own vulnerability though, and for the first time Lilly considered the effect her actions had taken on him. What if he had been innocent of everything her father had accused him of doing? Had she been punishing him all this time for something that he didn’t even do?
“I was thinking that maybe I was wrong and that maybe I was young and stupid,” Lilly said uncertainly. She didn’t miss the sudden look in Connor’s eyes at that. He wasn’t an idiot and she was sure that even he could tell she was having doubts about the past.
“Why did you leave me?” Connor asked. Maybe it was the direction that her thoughts had been taking or maybe it was the fact that she could see how much her answer meant to him but for a change Lilly found that she didn’t want to live this lie anymore. She wanted everything to be out in the open so that they could finally take that step no matter which way their relationship ended up going.
“I left because of my father,” Lilly said. She could see immediately that it wasn’t something Connor had anticipated. She wasn’t sure if that was because he hadn’t expected her to be honest or because he hadn’t realised that her father was a part of it.
“I don’t understand. What did your father have to do with any of this?” Connor asked. Lilly took a slow, steadying breath and looked out at the beautiful scenery before her though she was too lost in the past to really take it in.
“My father always hated us being together,” Lilly said. She remembered all the fights she’d had with her father about her love for Connor and recalled even more of the fights she’d had with Connor over her father.
“I know he didn’t approve of us being together, though I never understood why.”
Lilly hadn’t understood either at the time. All she’d known was that she had chosen to stand by her father through everything and then he had ruined everything that she had built. He had hated her relationship from the moment that it had started and had hated everything about Connor. She hadn’t really understood until recently why her father had taken such an issue with it all.
It had been her mother who’d explained it to her. Lilly had thought that her father must have manipulated her mother in the same way that he had her when he’d ruthlessly destroyed her chances of happiness. Her mother had finally told her the truth.
All those years ago her father had loved her mother unconditionally and he had treated her like a princess. He had been kind and loving towards the woman that he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He’d had everything he could have ever dreamed of with his perfect little family. Then her mother had ruined it all.
Her mother had explained how she’d fallen in love with someone else. She’d realised that she couldn’t possibly stay married when she was having stronger feelings for someone else. She explained to Lilly that she hadn’t intended to get married again or even to get in to a serious relationship no matter how she’d felt about the man in question. Instead she’d done exactly what she’d promised herself she wouldn’t. She’d found herself pregnant with her lover’s child and it had shaped the way her future had gone. She’d told Lilly that she didn’t regret any of it but it explained her father’s behaviour. He wasn’t simply an evil man who had wanted to destroy her marriage and happiness. Instead he had been trying to protect her. He’d suffered when love had gone sour. Her father had only wanted to protect her from the same fate. Instead he had left it too late and destroyed everything.
Lilly had understood her father’s reasons behind what he did but she still didn’t condone them. He’d had no right to interfere in her life like that and because of that one terrible moment Lilly had lost both her husband and her unborn child in one foul swoop. She had never been able to forgive her father for what he’d done and the one time she’d seen him she’d realised that he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself either.
“My father was wiser than me. He knew that I had fallen hard for you and he wanted to protect me from falling any deeper and having my heart obliterated from the fallout when our relationship ended,” Lilly explained. Connor stared at her for a few moments in silence as he absorbed what she was saying and then he slowly shook his head.
“Our relationship wouldn’t have ended,” he said in such a sure tone that it pissed Lilly off completely.
“You can’t know for certain what would have happened. We were young and naïve and further down the line we would have broken apart without any interference but by then it would have been so much worse,” Lilly instantly denied.
“I know without a shadow of a doubt that we wouldn’t have split up,” Connor denied immediately and Lilly glared at him in frustration.
“You can’t possibly know that for sure,” she denied instantly.
Connor could have told her that she was wrong. He knew that they would have lasted through the time because he had felt it from the moment that they had met, that bone deep feeling that they were meant to be together. He’d always known that she would be
the woman that he married, the mother of his children and the woman that he would grow old with. Even after all this time separated he still knew deep within his soul that Lilly was the one woman for him and without her his life wasn’t complete.
“I know that something scared you off and that if it hadn’t then we would still have been together and we would have been happy,” Connor said and Lilly regarded him with clear scepticism.
“You have no way of knowing any of that. For all you know we would have been in exactly the same situation,” Lilly said. Connor smiled at that. He knew that he would never have let things get to that stage. If he’d had any inkling that Lilly was planning on walking away from their relationship then he would never have walked away from the hospital that day until he’d gotten to the bottom of it all. He had regretted letting her talk him in to leaving since he’d done it, but at the time he’d thought that it was the best thing to give her some space. If he’d known that it was about more than losing their baby then he would have stayed and pushed her in to telling him what was wrong. There was nothing that they couldn’t sort if they communicated.
“I’m sure we would have had disagreements and arguments,” he conceded.
“Exactly. We would have ended up in a huge argument and ended up in the same place we are now,” Lilly insisted. It pissed Connor off at how willing she was to believe that they couldn’t have made it. She sounded like she had never once considered that they might remain married until death parted them whereas he hadn’t been able to imagine anything else.
“All couples argue, that’s part of a good marriage.” Connor pointed out.
“It’s also a good path to divorce,” Lilly said. Realising that he wasn’t going to win and that they were getting away from the subject Connor decided to bring the conversation back to what had really interested him.
“So you were telling me about how your father talked you in to leaving me,” Connor reminded her. He could have sworn that Lilly actually paled at that reminder.
“My father didn’t talk me in to leaving you. He simply preyed on my fears,” Lilly said. That perked Connor’s interests. What exactly had her father done that had made her think she was better off without him?
“What fears were those?” he asked in as casual a manner as he could manage.
“The fear that we wouldn’t make it and that you would find someone else. The fear that I wasn’t good enough for you,” Lilly said. That shocked Connor for he’d had no idea that Lilly had ever felt that way, hadn’t thought that he’d ever given her the opportunity to doubt him. Everything in his life had revolved around his family and providing for them. He didn’t have a clue where she’d have gotten the idea that he would have the inclination to cheat on her let alone the time or energy.
“Why didn’t you talk to me about this?” he asked. It killed him that she had been suffering silently when he could have reassured her that there was nobody he wanted more than her. Ever since he’d met her she’d been the only one for him and he’d had no intention of looking elsewhere.
“Because I thought I was just being stupid,” Lilly said and Connor realised that meant she’d been persuaded that her fears weren’t silly or misguided.
“What changed your mind?” he asked cautiously.
“My father showed me a photo,” she said. Connor didn’t like the sound of that. What possible photographic evidence could her father have provided?
“What was in the photo?” he asked even though he really didn’t want to face the truth.
“It’s silly,” Lilly said as she suddenly tried to backtrack the conversation. Connor wasn’t having that though. Now that she was finally opening up to him he intended to hear the whole truth.
“It must have been a hell of a lot more than silly if it drove you away from me,” he countered. There was silence for a few moments and he could see the indecision written all over her face as she debated whether to tell him the truth. He waited silently, even though what he really wanted to do was force her to tell him everything. All of a sudden he felt like he was living in the dark, surrounded by secrets and lies.
“It sound ridiculous now,” she said finally. He kept his unwavering gaze fixed firmly on her. She said one thing but he could see that she meant another. She might want him to believe that whatever she’d thought was stupid but he could see in her eyes that she still thought there was a glimmer of truth to it. That look killed him because he couldn’t understand what the hell he’d done that she could think so badly of him.
“Just tell me,” he said in as calm a voice as he could manage. Lilly took a deep steadying breath and turned slightly away from him as she gazed out at the view but he knew that she wasn’t seeing anything other than the past.
“My father never liked you. He told me that it was because he could see that I loved you,” Lilly said in an emotionless voice. Connor frowned at what she was saying because wasn’t it every dads dream to have someone fall head over heels in love with their daughter?
“Why was that a bad thing?” Connor asked. Lilly turned to him though he could tell that she was still looking at the past.
“Because he’d loved my mother deeply and she’d ripped his heart out and stomped on it until there was nothing left,” Lilly explained in that toneless voice. Connor frowned again because she still wasn’t making any sense.
“That was your parents, that wasn’t us.”
“My father thought it would be,” Lilly said and things started to click in to place for Connor.
“He never thought I was good enough for you,” Connor said. Lilly gave a wan smile at that even as a tear slipped free and trailed down her cheek.
“That was the problem. He thought you were too good for me. My father had loved my mother with everything he had and she’d turned around and destroyed every part of the good man he once was. He knew that I’d fallen for you long before I did and he thought that you would be the one who would destroy me. He told me that he thought you would one day turn on me and crush my heart and take away all the good parts that made me who I was,” Lilly said as the tears flowed faster. Connor only just stopped himself from taking her in to his arms. He hated to see her in so much pain but he needed to understand and this could be his only chance.
“Why would your father think I would do that to you? I love all the things that make you who you are and I would never have destroyed one part of that,” he ground out. Lilly gave a harsh laugh that sounded like nails scraping down a chalkboard to him.
“He thought that our relationship was doomed to destroy me. The funniest part is that it wasn’t you who destroyed all the goodness in me, it was him.”
“What do you mean?” Connor asked. He didn’t know what the hell she was going on about but she wasn’t making any sense.
“My father was the reason that I lost our baby and I will never forgive him for that,” Lilly said and Connor could only watch in stunned silence as Lilly got up and ran back to the room, leaving him sitting there more confused than ever.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Connor stayed where he was for a few moments as he tried to work out what the hell Lilly had been going on about. He’d understood that somehow her father was to blame for her leaving him but he had no idea how and he definitely had no idea how her father could possibly be to blame for what had happened to their baby. He especially didn’t understand why she’d left instead of just talking to him about it. He wanted to be the quiet, supportive husband who didn’t push too far and didn’t make her any more upset than she already was. The problem was that he wasn’t feeling like the supportive husband right now, instead he was feeling like the idiot whose wife had abandoned him and was still lying to him even after all this time. He daren’t go after her just yet because he wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. He wanted to go to her and haul her in to his arms and offer all his strength and comfort. The problem was that he had the suspicion that he would be more likely to fly off the handle and demand answers that she wasn�
��t prepared to give.
Connor waited ten minutes for his anger to cool slightly and then he went after her. He wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore but he knew that he had to know what had driven her from him all those years ago. No matter how much she might deny it she was still holding herself back from him and he wanted to know why.
He strode in to the room they were sharing and was stunned to find her waiting for him with something clutched against her chest. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to find but he certainly hadn’t expected to find her waiting to explain things to him.
“I know that I behaved badly and I’m sorry,” she said slowly. She seemed to be choosing her words very carefully and it pissed him off more though he wasn’t sure why.
“You behaved badly?” he repeated incredulously and she had the good grace to blush. He wouldn’t call ignoring him for years behaving badly. He would call it a living hell that he hadn’t been sure he would survive.
“I was out of my depth and I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship you wanted,” she tried to defend herself. Connor wasn’t having that though. How dared she accuse him of being the guilty one here?
“You weren’t ready? It sure felt like you were, sweetheart,” Connor said and had the pleasure of watching another blush stain her cheeks.
“I didn’t mean..”
“What? You didn’t mean that you weren’t ready to share a bed with me? You weren’t ready for marriage? Or you weren’t ready for our baby?” he demanded and felt slightly bad when her face drained of colour. All that was left was a pale face with big hed eyes that pulled at the heart he’d thought long dead.
“I didn’t mean that,” she said softly.
“Then what the hell did you mean?” he demanded. She swallowed nervously and glanced away for a few seconds before looking back at him.
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