by A. K. Evans
By the time he came back out, I was ready to go back in.
When I finished getting ready, I walked out of the bathroom and found that the food had just arrived. The thought of eating turned my stomach.
“Sit and eat with me,” Pierce urged.
I sat, looked over the food, and settled on some toast and fruit. While we ate, Pierce told me that just before the food arrived, he’d heard from Trent. Callie was apparently having a blast. I couldn’t be sure if that was entirely the truth or something Pierce was telling me so that I’d relax and eat more. Either way, I’d gotten through a piece and a half of toast and a few bites of fruit before I sat back and held my hands up. “I can’t do any more food.”
“It’s okay,” he assured me. “You ate more than I thought you were going to eat, so I’m happy. I’ll take you out later and feed you properly.”
It was in that moment that I wished I was able to focus on Pierce and the man that I was finding him to be. Even though I was feeling extremely anxious about the day ahead of me, the fact that I’d have this amazing man by my side made the prospect of facing it feel a little less intimidating.
He finished eating and declared, “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah, I just need to switch my purse.”
“Okay, I’m going to get dressed and we’ll head out.”
Roughly fifteen minutes later, Pierce stepped out of the bathroom, and I stopped breathing. I hadn’t been paying attention when he walked in with his clothes. He was now wearing a black suit, white shirt, and dark gray tie. He looked incredibly handsome, and something came over me because I thought he should know it.
“You look really nice,” I told him.
Pierce smiled at me and returned, “Well, I wanted to make sure I at least appeared worthy of accompanying you today.”
“You were worthy long before you put that suit on,” I insisted. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one that has some work to do.”
His face got soft as it mixed with curiosity. He rounded the bed he never slept in last night and made his way to me. “Unfortunately, we don’t have the time to debate this right now, but I’m looking forward to hearing why you think that.”
It was good that we needed to leave because there was no way I was going to tell him about all the reasons I didn’t measure up.
He swung his arm out in front of himself, indicating I could walk ahead toward the door. He reached around to open it for me, and a few minutes later, we were on our way. Pierce gave me the time on the drive to collect my thoughts. I appreciated that he gave it to me, but I also wondered if it would have been better if I’d been distracted. The closer we got, the worse my anxiety became.
By the time we parked, I thought I was going to be sick. Pierce met me at my door and walked by my side toward the front door of the funeral home. With each step, the lump in my throat grew.
I slowed my pace until, eventually, I stopped.
Pierce’s hand came to the small of my back before he asked, “Are you okay?”
Shaking my head, I whispered, “I don’t think I can do this.”
His hand left my back, and the next thing I knew I felt his fingers interlacing with mine. Having that, I felt my nerves subside just a touch. Pierce then spoke. “I will do whatever you need me to do for you right now. If you don’t want to do this, I will take you wherever you want to go. But, Zara, think about it before you make the decision to walk away from here. The both of you waited too long before and now it’s too late to get back what you lost. If you leave now, you don’t get the chance to say goodbye to her again.”
He was right.
I never actually considered walking away and not going in, but I was certainly feeling more fearful about going in there.
Seeing her family.
Seeing her.
I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and stated, “I’m ready.”
Pierce smiled at me and took my hand in his, but before we could resume our walk to the door, I heard, “Zara!”
Pierce and I turned around, and I instantly tensed. As a result, Pierce immediately shifted his body closer to mine. I couldn’t deny how good that made me feel.
Within seconds, my mom was standing right in front of me. She gave me a once-over, glanced at Pierce, and threw her arms around me. Stunned, and feeling slightly uncomfortable, I had no choice but to let go of Pierce’s hand to hug my mom back.
“I’m sorry about Nicola,” she whispered in my ear.
“Thanks, Mom.”
When she stepped back, she took me in again before directing her gaze to Pierce.
“Pierce, this is my mom, Rhonda Brooks. Mom, this is my friend, Pierce.”
She eyed me, silently questioning whether Pierce was actually my friend or something else, I’m certain.
Pierce held his hand out and said, “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Brooks.”
My mom shook Pierce’s hand and returned, “Likewise.”
The next second, Pierce had his arm wrapped around my back, easily feeling the tension still coursing through my body.
“Are you heading in?”
I gave her a nod.
With that, the three of us walked to the door and inside. Pierce kept me tucked tight to him the entire way.
The moment I stepped inside the room, the sounds assaulted my ears. The cries of despair from her family were almost too much to bear. My eyes moved through the line of her closest family members.
Their faces were littered with grief, shock, pain, and numbness as they received sympathy from Nicola’s extended family and friends, whether they were close or merely acquaintances. It was no surprise. She came from a large family, and that family only grew when she got married. Add to that the sweet and friendly disposition she always had and it was no wonder she had nearly as many people there who had no blood relation to her.
Reluctantly, I turned my head toward the casket where someone was already kneeling and saying a prayer over her. My hand squeezed Pierce’s as I began to move in that direction. There were a few people ahead of me, so I waited, keeping my eyes on her, and hating everything about myself in that moment.
When the person in front of me had paid his respects to her and moved toward her family, I stepped forward. The second I knelt in front of her casket, I reached my hand out to hers and dropped my head down.
She didn’t look like I remembered.
She didn’t feel like it either.
There was no warmth.
There was no life left in her body.
I wanted the chance to go back, even just a few days, to make it right between us.
I wanted to scream how sorry I was.
I wanted to pour life back into her.
But I couldn’t do any of that.
So, I said a prayer for her. For her husband. Her two little girls. Her mom. Her dad. Her sister. All of her family and friends who would, no doubt, lead lives less full without her in them.
I’m so sorry, Nicola, I thought.
Then, I stood and, with tears in my eyes and Pierce by my side, moved to her family. It was all a bit of a blur as I moved down the line offering condolences. When I made it to her mom, I hesitated briefly, worried she might not want to see me there. In an instant, she engulfed me in her arms. I held on tight to her as she said, “Life’s too short.”
Didn’t I know it.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried.
It felt like minutes had passed, but I knew it was only a few long seconds before we slid out of our embrace and I moved to Nicola’s sister. Pierce had his hand at the small of my back and had extended his hand to Nicola’s mom. I heard him offer his condolences just as I hugged my best friend’s sister.
I expressed my sympathy to everyone before finding a seat.
It was nearly three agonizing hours later when we were standing at Nicola’s gravesite in the cemetery. They’d just recited the final prayers. As one woman sang a hymn, loved ones were showering Nicola’s casket with flowers. I watched
the roses, carnations, tulips, and lilies pile up. I was surprised to feel relief at seeing so many flowers for her, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. These flowers were the final offering that anyone could give Nicola before they walked away, and that was nothing short of beautiful. I hoped, when I placed a single flower on her casket, it would somehow lift the cloud that was hanging over me.
I love you, and I miss you so much.
That was what passed through my mind as I set the flower down, one tear rolling down my cheek.
I turned around, took two steps toward Pierce, and begged, “Can you get me out of here?”
He took my hand and ushered me away.
Hours later, Pierce and I were back at the hotel.
After we left the funeral, he asked me questions about my hometown. I knew he was trying to distract me from everything I’d gone through earlier, so I went along with it. One of the things he’d asked about was pizza restaurants. I rattled off the name of my favorite, and he asked if I’d mind going to swing by and pick up a pie. We ended up eating at the restaurant because the pizza was that much better right out of the oven. I figured if this was going to be his only opportunity to have it, I should let him get the best experience with it.
While we were there, my phone rang.
Glancing down, I saw who it was and lamented, “I’m sorry, Pierce. It’s my mom again.”
“It’s okay. Take the call,” he insisted.
“Hi, Mom,” I sighed, not feeling up for much of a conversation.
“Where are you?” she asked, though it was difficult to hear her with all of the noise in the background of her phone.
“Out grabbing a bite to eat,” I responded. “What’s wrong?”
She huffed. “I thought you were going to go to Nicola’s mercy meal. I’m here now and couldn’t find you.”
“I couldn’t do it, Mom. It was too much.”
Pierce reached his hand across the table and curled it around my free one, giving me a gentle squeeze and offering encouragement.
“Oh. Well, how about you stop over later tonight for dinner?” she asked.
Closing my eyes and shaking my head, I told her something she already knew. “You know that’s not an option.”
“Only because you’re being stubborn,” she shot back. I heard some shuffling around before she clipped, “Are you ever going to let this go? Or should we just assume that this is what life is going to be like now? You’ve cut us out and we’ll be lucky to ever see you, right?
She knew precisely why I wasn’t going to go there. Even still, she seemed to want to take every opportunity to make me feel guilty about it.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I reasoned. “Too much has happened and I’m not in the headspace right now to deal with all of that.”
“Deal with it? Zara, we’re your family. You can’t be bothered to deal with us? Are you just going to slink back across the country without a care for any of us? If I hadn’t gone to Nicola’s funeral, would I have even seen you at all?”
I was honest when I replied, “This weekend? Probably not.”
“Right,” she scoffed, her voice getting louder. “Well, then I’ll let you get back to your friend. If you find yourself in a position to deal with us at any point, you know how to reach us.”
“Mom—”
I didn’t get to respond because she hung the phone up on me.
Pulling the phone away from my ear, I found Pierce struggling to remain calm. His jaw was hard, his eyes telling me he didn’t like what he could gather just happened.
I set my phone down on the table as he asked, “What’s going on?”
Shaking my head, because I knew I couldn’t deal with this issue on top of everything else I’d dealt with today, I pleaded, “Can we talk about it later?”
Pierce hesitated but ultimately gave in.
We finished up at the restaurant, mostly in silence as I did my best to bury the conversation with my mother somewhere deep, and left.
Now, back at the hotel, I’d showered, put on my pajamas, and swapped my contacts for my glasses. It wasn’t exactly bedtime, but I was tired. Pierce had just come out of the shower and looked at me sitting in my bed before moving to the opposite one.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I lied.
After giving me a look that told me he knew I wasn’t being honest, he responded, “No, you aren’t.”
Shaking my head, I confessed, “No, I’m not.”
“What can I do?”
“Can we just watch some TV?” I asked. I needed something mindless to focus my attention on.
Pierce dipped his chin and reached for the remote. “Anything special you want to watch?” he wondered.
“No.”
He turned his attention to the television and began flipping through the channels. While he did that, I laid there thinking about Nicola. Her family. The crying. The words her mom said. The hug her sister gave me. The flowers on her casket.
My mind kept replaying all of it.
And it hurt.
It hurt so bad, I didn’t think the pain would ever end.
Something inside me couldn’t handle it anymore.
I shifted on the bed, slid out from under the covers, and moved over to Pierce’s bed.
“Pierce?” I called.
“Yeah, Zara?”
“It hurts,” I rasped.
His hand, which had been cradling the back of his head, reached out to me. “Come here, beautiful,” he urged.
I fell into the bed beside him; he wasted no time pulling me toward him. It helped, and I felt marginally better, but it still wasn’t enough. I tipped my head back and gazed up at him.
“What?” he whispered softly.
“I need you to take away the pain, Pierce. Please take it away,” I begged.
Without a moment of hesitation, he rolled toward me, taking me to my back. His body was half on mine as he looked down and searched my face. I didn’t know what he saw, but I knew that I needed to feel something other than what I was feeling.
Pierce slowly lowered his head, his mouth coming to within inches of mine. He allowed his lips to barely brush against mine. For several long, torturous seconds, I wondered if he was ever going to kiss me, but he ultimately pressed his lips against mine. It was a gentle touch, and I knew I wanted more.
The palm of Pierce’s hand was pressed against my hip, his fingers sinking into the flesh there. He pulled his head back to look at me, his face curious and questioning.
“Please,” I begged. “I need to feel something other than this.”
That did it.
Pierce brought his mouth back to mine. This time, though, he wasn’t gentle. His tongue plunged into my mouth, tasting me. Hard. Wet. Deep.
I couldn’t stop myself from moaning in relief at finally kissing him.
It was so good.
He was so good.
My arms wrapped around him as his hand at my hip began traveling up my side. His mouth left mine, but only so he could pepper kisses along my jaw and down my neck toward my collarbone.
He licked and tasted me there before traveling back up to my mouth where he dipped his tongue inside once again. His hand had stopped just below the curve of my breast. I ached for him to touch me.
Several long minutes of us kissing had passed, and my moans had grown louder when he tore himself away from me. My chest was rising and falling rapidly at the same time he struggled to get his breathing under control.
“Zara,” he breathed, his voice thick with emotion.
The ragged sound of it would have forced me to lift my head and seek out his mouth again, but it was the look on his face that stopped me.
He was conflicted.
“What’s wrong?” I worried.
Suddenly, I felt more self-conscious than I’d ever remembered feeling in my life.
Because this was Pierce, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was regretting kissing me.
“I shouldn’t have done that, beautiful,” he declared.
I swallowed down my embarrassment and began squirming so I could retreat to my bed. Pierce didn’t move so I could accomplish this.
“Let me up, Pierce,” I ordered.
“Zara, listen to me a minute,” he returned.
I pressed my heels into the bed and tried to lift my hips as I pushed against his shoulders. I couldn’t move him. “Pierce,” I huffed, struggling to free myself.
“Beautiful, listen,” he urged.
“Get off me,” I hissed.
Pierce pulled back a little so that I was finally able to sit up, but before I could move off the bed, he wrapped his fingers around my wrist. I started pulling away when he spoke and made my entire body lock. “I don’t want you like this,” he blurted.
I thought I was embarrassed before, but this was worse. Way worse. This was pure mortification.
I didn’t know why I was surprised. There was always something about me that someone didn’t like, so I should have expected that would happen with Pierce. That was why I didn’t go there with him all this time. Because while I accepted that I wasn’t perfect, I knew it would hurt too much to know what bothered him about me.
He never gave me any indication, until now, until he kissed me, that he didn’t like me. I wanted to run and hide thinking that he hated the way I kissed.
Even knowing the pain it would cause and the hurt I’d feel getting the truth from him, I didn’t hold back in asking for it.
“Tell me what it is you don’t like about me,” I croaked.
His head jerked back, and he blinked his eyes at me. “Pardon?”
I felt my emotions bubbling to the surface. Regardless, I pushed through and returned, “It’s always something. Tell me what it is. Is it the glasses? Am I not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? Too opinionated? Too honest? Or is it that I’m too tough and extremely unforgiving? You can be honest with me. Am I not a good kisser? Is that what it is?”
Pierce’s eyes rounded, evidently shocked that I’d figured it out. In fact, he was so shocked, he remained silent.
I used his stunned silence to my advantage and yanked my wrist free.
Walking away from his bed, I went back to mine and with my back to him, continued, “I’m sorry for being an idiot and coming over to your bed. I don’t know what I was thinking.”