by Paul Kelly
Bertie giggled and snapped his hand over his mouth.
“Oh! Joe . . Joseph, dear boy . . you do say the nicest things. Do you think I look like a king then?”
“Yes Bertie . . you do look like a king, in a way, I suppose,” he smirked and Bertie jumped into the air with excitement, clapping his hands and licking his lips with his pink tongue.
***
It was a much nicer evening when they strolled across the wide, rich, green field to the Fair and it was a surprise to Joe when he tried to thrust his hands into his trouser pockets, to find they had gone. So had his legs.
“Bertie . . Bertie . . Where are you? I thought I stipulated that there would be no tricks tonight. Where are you Bertie?”
“I’m here, dear boy . . right behind you . . . oops, careful . . You’ll stand on my toes if you’re not careful, you will. . .but don’t get your pantaloons all crumpled. Why should we pay to get in when we can so very easily slide through for nothing. We’re not doing any harm . . and oh! Did you see that fat lady as we came in? She sits in that pink and white stripped tent over there . . I think she’s a fortune teller . . We must pay her a visit.”
“Never mind the fat lady, my friend . . . and the expression is not pantaloons . . . it’s knickers that get into a twist . . . and not crumpled and I don’t wear knickers.”
Bertie looked away from the fortune teller for a moment as he studied Joe’s legs.
“With legs like that, dear boy . . it’s just as well you don’t wear knickers . . that’s what I say.” Joe scowled and looked down . . but again, he could see nothing.
“I’m talking about getting through the gates for nothing Bertie. That’s stealing . . and you should know all about that.”
“Just as you say, dear boy . . just as you say, but don’t get all excited . . . Look! your face is going all red.”
Joe screwed his face up in anger.
“Your face would be red if you were caught getting through the gates without paying, wouldn’t it?” he snarled, but Bertie ignored the rebuke and smiled towards the fat lady as she laid her playing cards out on a small table in front of her. “They’d have to catch me first dear boy,” he said and licked his lips as he stroked his pointed chin. “I think we had better do a little ‘mind-talking’ dear boy. We don’t want this good lady here to know what we’re talking about now . . do we? . . although she’s probably guessed already if she can do what she says she can.”
Before Joe could utter another word, his mind was at it and his voice had faded somewhere into the horizon, as Bertie lingered to have his fortune told . .
“Hasn’t she got lovely cards there, Joe . . Joe, come and look at these cards. I’ve never seen anything like them.”
“Come away Bertie . . You’ll have to pay to have your fortune told . . Did you know that,” Joe called out and then blushed as he thought the fortune telling lady might have heard him.
“But Joe . . We can have a good close look and she won’t know we’re here, will she?”
“She’ll feel you breathing all over her Bertie . . .Come away.”
“Well let’s go and see the strong man then. He’s got a body that most mean would scream for, with muscles that I never knew any man had.”
“No thank you . . . Come away . . I’m perfectly satisfied with the puny little body I’ve got myself,” said Joe and Bertie pulled a face
“Well . . who would want to look at your body Joe? Well . . Maggie perhaps . . on a dark night,” chuckled Bertie as he giggled into his chest and then coughed as if to excuse his mood of vulgarity and Joe glared at him. “I know what Joe . . . Let’s have some of that coloured cotton wool stuff that Freddie had the other evening. I can’t think what he called it but I’d know it if I saw it again. It was lovely.”
Joe scowled and looked the other way.
“Not unless you pay for it Bertie . . NO WAY!”
But before Joe could say another word, a large clump of lilac candy floss was thrust before his eyes.
“This is ridiculous Bertie . . Anyone can see this . . . this stuff . . and they’ll think we’re mad.” he snapped, but Bertie pursed his lips and blew gently into the air.
“Not when there’s ever such a slight wind blowing, dear boy. Why anyone could lose a bit o’ this stuff if there was a slight wind now . . couldn’t they?”
The candy floss floated into the air before them and a lilac cloud passed Joe’s face and wafted upwards into the cool, blue evening sky.
“Oooooh! and we must have some jelly babies too Joe. I think you can get them over there. Freddie did.”
“Freddie paid for them Bertie. It makes all the difference you know?”
“Nonsense, dear boy . . they taste just the same whether you pay for them or not.”
“Bertie . . Bertie . . What are you eating? Bertie . . you’ve got those . . those silly sweets in your mouth already . . haven’t you?” Joe snorted, but eventually gave up and simply followed where the slight wind took him with a lilac wad of cotton wool above his head.
***
Bertie could not stop interfering. He halted the roundabouts until all the children were on, even when the attendant wanted to run it twice as many times, but Bertie sat the smaller children on the bigger one’s knees even when they cried in defiance when he did so.
“Wheeeeh!” he cried in jubilation and Joe himself, became concerned when he watched Bertie help a little cripple girl get her callipers across a hobby horse. He lifted her into the air and sat her down carefully, much to her surprise and even more to her parents.
The attendant just looked on and shrugged his shoulders because he couldn’t see the scruffy old man who sat with his thin old legs astride a gaily painted horse, with his hands in the air and his hair blowing wildly in the wind behind him.
“Look Joe . . . NO HANDS . . See?”
***
But the giggle of the entire evening was at the roll-a-penny stall. No-one could understand why the pennies not only rolled down the track and on to the numbered squares on the table, never settling on a line, but always well within the box to win . . . . and also how they rolled back up again . . . . There never was so many winners before Bertie made his ‘appearance’ and took over the table. He loved to be in charge and be the boss as he went about his task with great enthusiasm and verve.
“What about the jelly babies, Joe. I can’t see where they sell them now. We’ve wandered too far away. Can we go back again and have a look? I should have followed Freddie last night and then I would have known where to go. Never mind if I can’t go to them, they can come to me . .” he concluded, but Joe interrupted angrily.
“Never mind the jelly babies Bertie. They might get stuck in your teeth, dear boy,” he added sarcastically and Bertie grinned, but not for long as he stuck six of the sweets in his mouth at one time and his gums got jammed.
“Look! I told you, didn’t I?” he mumbled “ I can’t find the jelly babies, they can surely find me,” he groaned as another load of the jelly sweets appeared in his hand.
“Greedy old so-and-so, that’s what you are . . aren’t you Bertie?” said Joe, but the old man glowered under his bushy eyebrows at his young friend and grunted. Two seconds later Joe’s jaw got stuck . . . and he hadn’t been eating the sweets.
“Say you’re sorry dear boy and I’ll let you have your mouth back,” said Bertie as Joe continued to grunt and wave his arms in the air “Say sorry, Joe . . sorry please to Bertie?” The old man called out again before he resolved the situation with a winning glance at his friend and Joe had control of his mouth again.
“Don’t you ever do anything like that again Bertie. Do you hear me?” Joe shouted, in his mind, to his right, where he thought Bertie was standing.
“I’m just to your left . . and behind you dear boy, but you are being very r
ude to me sometimes, you know . . and it’s not nice. I get quite hurt and I don’t like it. I feel I could quite easily cry, I could. It’s not nice at all . . . Not one wee bitty .. I might even want to stamp my foot . .” Bertie lamented, but Joe squinted as he stared up into the sky.
“I hate these stupid sweets anyway. Never did like jelly babies, not even when I was a boy,” he said, but Bertie contradicted. “Oh! I think they’re lovely . . . . Oh! Look . . she’s coming out again, see. That lady fortune teller. I must get my body on and have my fortune told . . Joe . . Joe are you coming?”
The old man’s face flushed and his pink tongue darkened to a deep red as it darted in and out of his mouth like a snake,
“I really must have my fortune told . . Maybe she’ll be able to . . Joe . . Do you think I should go in to see her without my body and then . . if she sees me . . She could be the one.”
“Never mind that . . I wonder where Freddie and Maggie have got to?” said Joe, determined to change the subject but Bertie didn’t hear a word he said.
“Don’t you think she might . . . .oh! look . . Someone’s beat me to it . .I’ll have to wait now,” he gabbled as a stout lady marched in front of him and went into the tent to have her fortune told and Joe glared at his friend . . or to where he thought he was, but he could only hear him as he hadn’t got his body back yet . .
“Oooooh! I must get on that thing Joe. I just must Look! That big thing moving over there. Do you sit or stand on it?”
“You sit on it, if you can, but you’ll have to be visible or you’ll find someone sitting on your knee if you’re not careful.”
Bertie gave a wicked smile and his eyes lit up.
“Ooooh! That would be nice, wouldn’t it? I mean . . .I haven’t had anyone sitting on my knee since . . Oh I think it must have been sometime in . . well round about the fifteen hundreds, I would think . .”
Joe raised his eyebrows and stared at Bertie in disgust but the old man stared back.
“Spoil sport, YOU,” he snarled as he went into a sulk.
“Wait for me Bertie . . . I think it would be better if we went together. Bertie . . Bertie . . If you’re gonna be visible . . then I want to be seen too.”
“Alright Dear boy . . No need to make such a fuss over such a trivial thing. Just as you wish.”
They strolled over to the big dipper together but Bertie tripped on his boot lace and fell flat on his face. Joe let him lie for a few moments before he helped him up again.
“I told you to be careful . .” Joe groaned and Bertie dusted himself down before he smiled all about him to assure anyone who was watching that his fall was no accident and that it was exactly what he wanted to do . . .After all, you can do this sort of thing when you have a body . . can’t you? ?
***
“Wheeeeeh! . .. great stuff this,” Bertie squealed like an excited schoolboy as he held on to his old gray velour hat. “What was that you said Joe?” he shouted into the air, above the noise of the crowd below as he spun round and round and up and down in his immense delight. Joe waited until the Dipper stopped.
“I said you should get a couple of holes cut in that hat, so your ears could hold it in place in the wind. You don’t want to lose it again, do you?” he said, but Bertie ignored the remark as he continued to scream with delight in his seat in the Big Dipper.
“Bertie . . . . Bertie?”
“Yes Joe?”
“It stopped five minutes ago Bertie . . . you should have stopped screaming by now and come down from the thing,” said Joe, but the old man took on an offended look and scowled.
“I’ll scream when I like . . so there,” he said and sulked as he pulled his velour hat down over his ears. “And I’ll come off this seat when I’m good and ready .. see . .”
“Well you scream on as much as you want and stay there for as long as you like. I’m going for a beer. That should cool me down a bit. Oh! What now? . . Bertie . . Bertie . . what have you done . . BERTIE.”
Joe stared into the crowd and he could see Bertie running along beside the round-a-bout, as if he was making every effort to push it, but eventually, he fell down as the machine went too fast for him to keep up.
“Bertie . . Are you alright?” he called out as he made his way through the crowd to reach his friend, but Bertie had already got to his feet and was dusting himself down with his red handkerchief and Joe looked down at his hands as he spoke, but they weren’t there . . . . Bertie laughed and his laughter swept through the air, sending a chill down Joe’s invisible spine.
“Good idea Joe . . I’d like a beer too, but not until I’ve had my fortune told . . That good lady must be free by now, surely . . Don’t you think?”
“You be careful what you’re doing Bertie. She might ask you some very embarrassing questions, you know . . . and you’d be better going to see her with your body or she might get a fright if she hears you speaking and can’t see you.” said Joe but secretly thinking she might get an even bigger shock if she did see Bertie . . in the flesh. . . and then he corrected his thoughts, hoping that Bertie hadn’t read his mind.
“Sssshhhh, Joe. The good lady might hear you. Speak with your mind, Dear boy . . please do.”
“I’m warning you Bertie. Women are strange creatures. They sometimes feel the vibes of someone near them, you know . . even if they can’t see you.” Joe warned, but Bertie was too busy studying his nails as he smiled quietly to himself.
“Yes, you could be right, I suppose dear boy . . I’m really quite a dashing fellow in my skin, aren’t I . . . .and I doubt if she would get such a fright if she saw me in the flesh,” he said and Joe blushed when he realized that Bertie had indeed read his mind as he walked over to the beer tent.
“Bertie . . . Will you let me have my body please. I can’t order the beer without it, can I?” he called out and Bertie pursed his lips and tried to imagine what a wonderful profile he had . . especially around the nose.
“Alright dear boy . . don’t be so impatient. I’m coming. There’s still someone having their fortune told . .Can’t think what anyone would have to talk about in all that time in there. Should give some other poor old souls a chance . .”
“Bertie . . . “
“Yes Joe . . . I’m coming,” said Bertie and the two friends sauntered across to the beer tents, quite visible to anyone who would care to look at them . .but that visible sign only lasted for a few moments. . . until Joe had ordered the beer . . and paid for it.
They took their drink to a quiet spot, sitting on a large rock near the sea, as it didn’t look so strange down there if anyone saw two glasses wavering about in mid-air.
“Oh! dear . . I’m having such a wonderful time here today Joe with the beer and those roundabouts an’ all.” What other delights are there in the fairground? Do tell me dear boy. Do please tell Bertie . . Why I could happily go on to eight hundred and forty odds at this rate.”
“That’s interesting to hear,” said Joe . . . . “You might grow into an adult by that time and then where would we be, eh?”
Bertie sulked again, but this time he had a wicked smile on his lips.
“You don’t sound very happy Joe, but you should, you know. It does you no good to be sad and sorrowful in this life, I can tell you,” he said, but Joe sipped his beer and drained the glass as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
“Oh! I’m alright Bertie. It’s great having Maggie and the baby . . and Freddie, of course. . . and Sammy . .”
“And me too . . .” added Bertie.
“Well, yes, I suppose so but sometimes . . just sometimes, you understand, I feel I should be doing something more useful with my life . . Something more than just working with bolts all day at Frankham’s.”
Bertie sniffed and wiped his nose on his cuff.
“Well Joe . . It is a secure job a
nd it doesn’t get you over excited now, does it?”
“You can say that again Bertie,” said Joe, looking across the sea into the horizon, with a faraway look in his eye.
“Doesn’t get you over excited now . . does it?” Bertie obliged. Then he laughed.
“Oh! Funny Cuts. You should be on the stage as a comedian, do you know that?” said Joe and Bertie wiped the froth from his lips and put his glass down on the rock.
“Funny you should say that, dear boy. I nearly married a lady from the stage once. A singer she was . . had a beautiful voice. Soprano, I think they called her.”
“Well, don’t you know if she was a soprano or not then?”
“I’m not sure, but I think she must have been. Warbled a lot, you know, kinda high-up like and her tonsils began to dance every time she opened her mouth to sing.”
Joe pricked up his ears to know more.
“You never told me about this before Bertie. You dark old horse. What age were you then? About six hundred odds I suppose.”
Bertie looked sadly at Joe and Joe apologized..
“Sorry my friend . . I shouldn’t have said that. Sorry . . Really I am,” he said, but Bertie just smiled and bent down to lift his glass again.
“Oh! dear . . It’s empty. Joe my glass is empty . . .” he said and Joe took the hint and jumped down from the rock.
“Hope nobody’s watching us out here Bertie because it must look very funny seeing two glasses talking to each other . . don’t you think?”
“Dancing around in the air too, eh?”
They laughed together . . with their minds of course . . as Joe trotted off for the refills.
“You’ll let me have my body back for a little while, won’t you Bertie . . otherwise I won’t be able to go into the pub as I am . . will I.”