by Leanne Davis
John glanced her way. “No that’s not why I came. Tim asked. How could I refuse him? It’s just that Luke is pretty vulnerable right now.”
“I get that. His pregnant wife died. Can you give me a little bit of credit for understanding that? I wouldn’t hurt him or hit on him. Come off it, you know that much about me.”
“Sometimes I don’t think rational when it comes to you.”
“No. You don’t think at all when it comes to me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong; I think way too much when it comes to you. You see, you hold a place in my life no other woman has.”
She closed her eyes and turned away, knowing exactly what that place was. She waited for him to continue, for John to tell her what he thought of her, and what she’d done to him a decade ago. Instead silence met her. She finally looked at him. He stared off into the horizon, his expression blank.
“Does anyone know?” he asked finally.
“About what happened between us? No.”
“Keep it that way. You owe me that much.”
Then he turned and walked toward Luke. Cassie lagged behind, shaken by the exchange, reminded once again, that John’s behavior toward her was justified. She had no one to blame but herself for his opinion of her. She suspected that was exactly what John’s point had been today; to remind her exactly who and what she really was.
****
Over the next week Luke and Cassie formed a friendship that was the only bright spot about Cassie’s current situation. After a day spent alone in the house with Tim, she was grateful that Luke came home and spent each evening with them. They worked together making dinner, cleaning up, sharing conversation and playing with Tim. They lived almost entirely by themselves as John had taken to spending each evening at Sarah’s. If John came home for the night he was usually gone before Cassie came down for breakfast, a fact that was just fine with her.
Cassie had no idea how long their living situation would go on, or what would happen to end it. She could only wait and hope that eventually it would be safe enough for her and Tim to continue on with their lives. Until then, all that Cassie could do was to try and keep John’s hatred of her from getting her kicked out of his house.
Cassie got out once a week under Luke’s escort to clean the clinic. She did the house in the endless hours she was home with Tim alone. She didn’t even go out shopping after Luke suggested John was right, she should stay out of sight as much as physically possible. Why advertise her presence here in town?
She was doing laundry one evening three weeks after having moved in when John walked in. It was unusual for him to come home at nine o’clock in the evening. It was even more unusual that he came into a room she was already in. She said hi. He ignored her. She shrugged and turned back to fold her pile of clean clothes. He didn’t move. She turned back and looked at him closer. His expression looked different than usual.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he snapped. He sat down on the love seat opposite her and flicked the TV on. He watched it intently, ignoring her. Something was off. John didn’t sit in a room with her, especially if they were alone and he had a choice.
She stood in his line of vision, blocking the TV. “What’s going on?”
“Move.”
“Is it Sarah?”
“No. It’s not Sarah.”
“Is it me?”
He glanced at her. “Why would it be you? Seeing as how you’ve taken over my house, my brother and my entire life?”
“There is that. But that usually makes you run to Sarah to avoid me. So what has you running here?”
“I don’t run to Sarah. She’s my girlfriend; I want to be with her.”
“Luke says you never used to hang out at her place. That she always used to come here.”
“Yeah, well, the six-year-old kid keeps things a little different for me around here.”
Cassie hadn’t considered that Tim would interfere with John’s sex life. She should feel bad about that. She should feel guilty. She should want to fix that. But she didn’t. She was glad John had to do it somewhere else.
“So if it’s nothing new at me. Or Sarah. What’s wrong with you?”
“I want to watch TV in my own damn house. That’s not a crime. It’s my house. Leave me alone.”
“It must be work then. Did something happen?”
He glared up at her. “What part of leave me alone don’t you get? Of course something happened at work, something happens every day. I deal with sick people. Blood. Disabilities. Cancer. Death. Today it was cancer.”
“Oh.” She had expected a fight with Sarah, or further annoyance at her. Not that. Not life and death. She wasn’t sure what to say. “That sounds awful.”
He snorted. “I’m a doctor Cassie, what do you think that means?”
“A lot. I can’t imagine what it’s like. But you care; there isn’t anything more that could be asked of you.”
“It’s not the first or last time.”
“I’m just trying to help.”
“Well you can’t help me. You can’t do anything for me. I don’t want to talk about it. Sarah gets when I have bad days, I want to be alone. And I could be if I wasn’t living with you.”
She met his scathing gaze without expression or comment. She nodded. She gathered the rest of her unfolded laundry into the laundry basket. As she started up the stairs she glanced at John, now staring at the TV.
“I was in here first. You’re the one who sat down to watch TV, when you could have gone to your room. So maybe being left alone by me isn’t really what you want.”
Chapter Eight
John dug his fingers into the armrest as he glared after Cassie’s retreating figure. So what if he was a little tired and out of sorts? Sarah didn’t like him when he was in this mood, so he’d come straight home, something he’d stopped doing in the last few weeks. Maybe Cassie was right, he didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want comfort from her either. He didn’t even know why he’d spoken to her.
What did she know about him or how he felt about anything? She’d shown up a decade later in his life looking like hell, and with a kid who was in danger. He knew little of how she’d ended up at this point in her life. Then again he knew nothing about her period. He’d spent his youth nearly obsessed with her, and as it turned out, he had never even known her.
She had told them nothing more than the bare bones of her past which was all it took for Luke to invite her to live with them. What the hell had happened to her? And just how long did he have to live like this? It had been over a month and there was not one sign of Cassie’s supposed ex. Or of any danger. John was beginning to think it was all a bunch of bullshit.
He pushed off the sofa and followed Cassie upstairs to her room. He shoved open her door. She was bringing a t-shirt over her head. Her back was to him, and he caught a glimpse of her smooth, bare skin. She yanked the shirt down. He stepped back in surprise. Her hair was down, hanging over her shoulders, finally out of her damn bun. It did a lot toward making her look twenty-three again.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Tell me again why you live with me.”
Her eyes widened, and her shoulders dropped. She shook her head. “I knew you’d do this at some point.”
“Do what?”
“Kick me out. I know I deserve it. God, don’t I know it. You remind me of it every fucking day I’m here.”
He blinked in surprise. She was angry? What the hell? Where did she get off being pissed at him?
“What do you want John? If you’re going to do it, just say so. I don’t need to keep walking on egg shells.”
He snorted. “When have you ever walked on egg shells? You’ve never exactly been the wilting wall flower now have you?”
“So what? Are you going to throw me out?”
“I would. I swear to God I would if you didn’t have a six-year-old boy with you. I hope you know that.”
“Oh, I know it. I know the o
nly thing that makes me tolerable to you is my son. What about him John? What do you want to say to me about him?”
He was tempted. So damn tempted to say the scathing things in his gut. She goaded him like no one he’d ever known. She, who had ruined his life when he was a kid, how did she have the right to act like he was to blame? It was all bullshit. Cassie’s supposed danger, and him having to live with her.
“Fine. I’ll ask it. What I’ve wanted to know ever since I heard your pathetic story. Why did you keep Tim? Why did you keep the baby with the abusive ex and not mine?”
A long sigh escaped her lips. She sat down on her bed. Her gaze pinned to her feet. “It’s not like that. It’s not a comparison. I didn’t like one baby better than the other.”
“Then what’s it like?”
“It was never about who fathered them. It was about me. What I could handle. What I thought was the right thing to do. And five years difference in my life. What is it you want to know John? Did I love Marcus? Yes I thought I did. Until he threw me against a wall one day when he thought I had lied about where I’d been all afternoon.”
“He abused you?”
“Not at first. Not very much. He started after Tim was born. Then the real Marcus came out. So I left.”
“So you meant to have Tim?”
“No. I got pregnant. That’s why I married Marcus.”
“How did you end up with Marcus to start with?”
“When I was twenty-five I finally quit partying. I got a job as a secretary for the same company Marcus was a low level manager in. At the time I was freshly sober, celibate, and lonely. Marcus wanted to take care of me. I thought I needed him in order to stay sober and faithful. I got pregnant. We got married, and I thought I was better. But I wasn’t. The only thing that changed me for real was Tim. As I got better, sober, confident, and less into sex, Marcus started to get weird.”
“And then you left.”
“I left. He followed. You know the rest. You know why I’m here. You can trust that much, I would never live with you if I had any choice at all.”
“You never trusted me,” he said after a long moment. He stared at her, trying to understand who Cassie was compared to who he’d always thought she was.
“No. I never trusted you. I never fully trusted anyone. That’s who I was a decade ago. I drank too much, partied too much, and slept around for nearly ten years. But the one thing I didn’t mean to do was hurt you like I did.”
“How did you hide it all from me?”
“I made sure my secrets stayed away from you just as I wanted them to.”
“I was an idiot.”
“No you weren’t. You didn’t see it. Any of it. I knew you didn’t, and I liked that. I liked who I was in your eyes.”
“I almost deserved it didn’t I? I was so in love with you I never saw one real thing about you.”
“No. You didn’t. You didn’t see me, nor did you deserve it. But it doesn’t matter now. It was a long time ago, and everything about me is different, and better. I hate remembering what I was. I’m sorry for it, I really am. But I can’t change it.”
“You can’t possibly think that makes any difference to me.”
She shrugged. “What do you want from me? I can’t undo it. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better person. But I was doing the best I could at the time. I wish it could be enough for you that my entire life changed after that. That I’m entirely different now.”
“I should take comfort in the fact you were willing to be a mother to Marcus Leary’s child, but not to mine?”
“Don’t. Don’t ever think of my son as a comparison to what you think you lost. Tim is mine. And Tim is nothing like Marcus. I’ll listen to a lot of things from you about what I did to you, but I will not listen to you insult my son.”
He nodded and let out a breath. “I know. Tim isn’t a problem. I wasn’t trying to say he is. He’s a great kid. Really great.”
“I’m the problem right? I’ll always be the problem. So what is it you want? You want to kick us out? Because I’ll leave. But if you don’t, you have got to quit being such a bastard to me. It was ten years ago. I shouldn’t have done what I did to you. But you could look at the circumstances now, as an adult, rather than like a hurt teenager. You really could do that.”
“Now I need to grow up?”
She sighed. Closed her eyes. “You purposely take everything I say wrong. I hurt you. I’m sorry. But I’m begging you; let me stay here with my son. I’m that scared of Marcus. And I need your help that much. So you know what? You won. Your life is a success, and I’m practically on my knees here begging for your help. Please, for now, just let that be enough.”
He stepped back into the hall. He hadn’t expected this conversation to go where it had. Or for Cassie to gain the upper hand in this thing between them. But she had. She was right. He should grow up. There wasn’t anything more she could do.
He could however keep the status quo. He would keep ignoring her; protect Cassie and Tim, without her touching his life. No more intimate late night talks for them. As always, Cassie easily got to him.
Chapter Nine
Cassie went to bed after John left her room that night and tossed and turned until dawn. Memories from the last few years seeped through her mind, keeping her awake and fretting all night. Memories she hadn’t tapped into for a decade seemed to collide with memories of the last month and left her thrashing in bed.
John had the power to make her virtually homeless. It was humbling. If John kicked her out, she’d have to go to Kelly, no matter if that was the obvious route Marcus would take to find her. She had to take the risk of telling her sister the truth; she couldn’t stand how vulnerable John’s anger made her position in his household.
She called Kelly and told her sister where she was and why she was here. Cassie begged Kelly to stay away. Kelly finally agreed only because her notoriety was too easy to follow. After John’s confrontation she felt exposed and vulnerable. John had unearthed things she’d been trying for a decade to put to rest about her past. He had once again reminded her of the ongoing theme of her life; her past never seemed to get put to rest. From Marcus to John to the abortion, to the son she did have, it all followed her.
Cassie hung up the phone after her call to Kelly and began scrubbing out the dinner pan. Tim and Luke were in the next room wrestling. She worried that Tim was growing too attached to Luke, but she also wanted to fold Tim up in all that healthy male attention. Tim hadn’t had any sort of consistent man in his life. Cassie wanted that for him, while at the same time she didn’t want to cause Tim any more pain than necessary when they left. Because that was inevitable, and the less attached Tim was to Luke and John, the easier it would be for him.
Cassie dropped the pan when a loud thump broke through her revere. The back door slammed. She quickly recovered her dish and calmed her nerves as she recognized John’s footsteps. Strange. He was home early, and Sarah was following him. Damn. She was not in the mood for them. John nodded at her coldly. Sarah smiled and waved her hand.
“Hey Cassie. How’s it going?”
“Fine Sarah. What are you two doing here?”
“Oh we thought we’d help Luke out with babysitting you and Tim.”
Cassie frowned then met John’s stony face.
“Great,” she said, as she threw down the dish towel and stormed out of the room, her face hot with anger. She was thirty-three years old and she had to put up with this? Her ex-boyfriend dragging home his young girlfriend to babysit her?
“Cassie?” Sarah called after her, and then asked John, “What did I say?”
Cassie walked into the living room and plastered a grin on her face for Luke and Tim. Luke smiled a greeting. As she sat down, Tim and Luke quit their horseplay, and Tim left the room to come back holding a magazine. Not many six-year-olds had an aunt who regularly appeared in popular magazines. He often spent time searching for Kelly’s ads. It always made Cassie smil
e as he riffled through fashion and gossip publications, his little lip bit in concentration as he studied each ad, intent in his search for Kelly.
Cassie had nothing to say. Sarah talked enough for all of them. Cassie smiled as she watched Tim, then she pretended to focus on the TV.
Tim suddenly yelled, “Here it is!”
“Here what is?”
“Aunt Kelly. When she called earlier, she told me she had a new picture out, here it is.” Tim beamed as he pointed to it. Cassie knelt beside Tim to look at her sister’s picture. It was beautiful. Kelly was sultry and sexy, in a bra and panties, in an ad for perfume. Her mane of unbelievably thick reddish hair flowed over her provocatively. Her cat-like green eyes seemed to come off the page with heat.
Sarah and John leaned down to look. Luke peeked over her shoulder.
“Kelly Reeves is your sister?” Sarah asked, her mouth open.
“Yes.”
“How come I didn’t know that?” Sarah glared at John.
“I didn’t know you’d care.”
They again looked at the picture. “Wow,” John said after a moment. Sarah elbowed him at his tone of appreciation, sniffing with disapproval.
“Do you think Tim should be looking at those?” Sarah asked.
Cassie bristled.
Luke finally spoke as he tore his gaze away from Kelly. “She’s right Cassie. It seems a little old for him.”
“Kelly is Tim’s aunt.”
“Yeah but it’s not much different than porn,” Sarah said.
Cassie jumped up. “You’re just jealous because your modeling career consisted of a few catalogue pictures. And before you go around saying crap about people, maybe you should know something about them first.”