Even though pain shoots up at the movement, I move my hand over Damien’s lips to stop him. Maybe we have hope after all.
Has he been worried this whole time about that even though the rape kit was done? Maybe I was still so out of it, and he thought I wouldn’t tell him yet.
“Damien, he didn’t touch me like that. Besides a couple of knee grazes and holding my face, nothing else happened.”
“Thank God, baby, thank God.” He puts his forehead to mine and lets out a breath. “I’d never forgive myself if something like that happened to you.”
I hate that I have to tell him this next part, but he needs to know. My pulse quickens at rethinking about this specific part of my kidnapping.
“Alli, what is it? I can tell you’re terrified about what you’re thinking about. Please tell me. We are in this together.”
I swallow deeply. This is the part that will haunt my nightmares for years to come. “He was arranging a marriage ceremony for him and me. He had a drawer full of things. Some things, I didn’t even know what they were for. His intentions were clear though. The only thing that stopped him was thinking that I was pregnant with your child. He had a doctor on the way to perform a surgery on me.”
Damien’s eyes become large, and his grip tightens, causing pain to shoot up my arm. My tears prick back in my eyes again.
I feel so dirty. My hope that he’s going to be able to move past this collapses.
He immediately starts consoling me, “Oh, baby, don’t cry. I’m not upset at you. I love you even more. There’s nothing that could have happened to ever change how I feel about you. We are forever, Alli. The thought of what could have happened to you…I just…I can’t fathom what you went through. I should have called the cops when we knew your location, but I was scared shitless that they would rush Ben and cause you to get hurt or killed, like Rebecca.”
He’s speaking so fast that I’m not sure if he’s overcompensating or if he’s truly just in a panic.
I lay my head back on his chest, needing the contact. “Damien, you did the right thing. Ben said he would rather see me dead than with someone else.”
Damien’s chest rises at the swift intake of air. “If he comes near you again, Alli, he’s dead. I will kill that motherfucker if he comes near you ever again.”
The oath Damien just made has me relieved and nervous all at the same time. For the first time in my life, I’m hoping that a person dies. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it’s better than wondering if Ben is ever coming for me again. He’s never going to stop until he has me.
I need to distance my mind from all this.
These last three weeks have been hell. My emotions are all over the place. I spend most of my time reading, holed up in the library and shut off from the outside world. It’s how I escape my head.
Sam has stopped by a few times when I’ve allowed visitors. She has done all the talking as I sit there and respond at the intervals I’m supposed to. I think she has tried to come every day, but I’ve given in only about two to three times a week. The place is like a fortress, and even she can’t break through when I say no one is to enter the house.
She has tried repeatedly to convince me into coming home to Homerville for a few days, but I’ve declined each and every time. I have no interest in going home right now to just be reminded of the loss I’ve had to endure from my parents passing. It’s a millionth of what I’ll have to endure when Damien decides I’m damaged.
He’s beyond focused on finding Ben, and part of me dreads it because I think Damien will leave me, and I’ll never recover—ever.
Damien and I haven’t made love since before the kidnapping. Doctor’s orders were for two weeks, but Damien hasn’t even touched me this last week, which only feeds my fears that the end is near. In fact, we’ve been sleeping in pajamas at night. He still keeps me tucked close to him, but it all just feels off between us.
I don’t know what’s wrong with us. My heart is breaking at the thought which causes me to retreat further inside my mind.
I have had to rehash my kidnapping a million different times to Bane and the authorities over the last few weeks as they try to figure out leads on Ben. It was terrible each and every time. It just kept cutting a piece of me away as I had to relive it over and over again.
Martin, as of yesterday, was officially cleared of any and all charges, and I was glad. I know Damien’s mother has been calling repeatedly. She’s tried calling me, too, but I just send her to voice mail and don’t listen to the messages. From what I can tell, she wants to throw some kind of party.
Bitch.
I just want to disappear from the world. With Ben still on the loose, I’m sure he’s lurking somewhere, just waiting to take me and finish me off. I shudder at the thought.
“Mrs. Wales?”
I shift my unfocused gaze up to Dr. Ferguson. I barely leave the library anymore, and Dr. Ferguson has had to come here versus the kitchen the last few visits.
“Mrs. Wales, your ribs look great. The worst of your bruising seems to have healed perfectly, and I do not see any physical effects that still need treating.”
Finally, I am getting a clean bill of health from the doctor. He’s been coming to see me every other day. Damien has been beyond gentle with me, and he has seen to my every need, but his actions seem like they are out of pity.
“Mrs. Wales?”
I’m startled out of my train of thought again. The doctor is going to think I’m crazy with my lack of interest in my healing. Truth is, the longer it takes, the longer I can keep Damien.
“Sorry, Dr. Ferguson. I was just thinking.”
His gentle smile makes me want to hug him like a grandparent. He takes a seat across from me, and it shocks me as he’s never done this before. He’s normally in and out of my appointments.
“It’s fine, Mrs. Wales. I was saying that even though the physical part has healed, have you thought about seeing someone regarding the mental trauma you went through?”
“You mean a therapist?” Memories of my parents come flooding back. I remember going to therapy for months and making no headway. I was so withdrawn from the world, not caring and distancing myself from anyone who loved me.
He pulls a card from his pocket. “Yes, Mrs. Wales. It’s by no means mandatory, but I would suggest taking it into consideration. Sometimes, experiences like this can fester and turn into something much worse if they aren’t taken care of.” He stands and hands the card to me. “Like I said, Mrs. Wales, it’s not mandatory. Here’s the card to someone I serve on a board with, and I respect him in this field. He listens to his patients.”
I numbly take the card, and robotically, my manners kick in as what he just said starts to take root. “Thank you, Dr. Ferguson. I appreciate all you have done for me.”
Since the incident, my mind finally starts to form rational thoughts. I’m repeating the cycle and losing myself all over again. I’m pulling away from Damien and Sam. I feel instantly nauseous as there is no way I want to go there again.
Wait, I am there again. How did I not see the signs?
With all those negative thoughts, I don’t know why I didn’t realize what was happening. Sam saw them, and that’s why I pushed her away. I feel like such an idiot.
“Take care of yourself, Mrs. Wales.”
Dr. Ferguson shakes my hand, and we both exchange smiles before he takes his leave. He’s never been one to linger.
I can hear murmurings in the hallway, and I’m sure the good doc is updating my husband on my status. Dr. Ferguson insists on seeing his patients, one on one. I’m sure it’s to eliminate very possessive husbands for getting too involved while he evaluates and talks to his patients to see how they are doing.
I sit there and blankly look at the card. Do I need to see a therapist? It did absolutely no good when I went for my parents.
I’m disintegrating by the day, but now that I’ve realized it, maybe I can pull myself out of this funk.
Bu
t if Damien no longer wants me, there’s no way I’ll survive it. I’m such a mess. Ben kidnapping me has definitely taken its toll on us.
Nightmares have awoken me in the middle of the night more times than I care to admit. I’m always in the cabin, and Damien hasn’t found me yet. I wake up thrashing and screaming. I can see the additional worry it has been causing Damien. I thought with time that the nightmares would start to dissipate.
A familiar hand on my shoulder causes me to jump.
“Geez, sorry, I was deep in thought.” I hate the awkwardness of everything between us right now.
Damien squats down in front of me in dark jeans and a long-sleeved blue thermal. It’s more casual than he normally wears, but I love laid-back Damien. I take a long look at him as he takes me in. I’m so scared of losing him. I’m afraid that I’ve lost my appeal that used to keep him wanting me so badly. He has bags underneath his eyes, stress in his features, and a cautious demeanor in his posture. This is taking such a toll on both of us.
I blurt out louder than I mean to, “I think we should go to therapy to help us deal with this. I’m not dealing well with this, Damien, and it’s hurting us.”
I thought my words would ease his stress, but it only causes his muscles to tighten with tension.
This is it. He is done with me.
“Are we not okay, Alli? Did my past finally cause you to break? I cannot lose you. I won’t let you go. You’re mine, Alli. Damn it, I will make this right. I don’t know what to do, baby. I feel like I’m losing you day by day, and I can’t do a fucking thing to keep you. I’m trying, baby. Please, don’t stop loving me.”
His voice is desperate, and it tears me apart to hear him worried like this. I had no idea.
I should have known, but I didn’t. Realizing what I’ve been doing emotionally to Damien and Sam, I sink to my knees from the chair, relieved there’s no pain with this action.
He actually wants me.
He’s been saying the same thing over and over again, but now that I’m thinking more clearly, I know I’ve been irrational, and I should have just talked to him.
“Damien, you could never break me, and your past could never be too much. I just haven’t dealt well with it because I’ve been thinking you were going to leave me. I love you for you, and I will never stop. I just thought it would be good for us to go and talk to someone together. I’m not dealing with it, which is causing it to fester between us. We need to get it all out in the open. I know you’ve been afraid to talk to me. It’s evident. I can’t live with any distance between us. It’s killing me. You have me and always will. I love you.” I move my hand to his face. “Leaving you will never be an option. When I said I do, I said it forever.”
And with that, he pulls me to him, hugging me tighter than he’s ever held me before. He puts his nose against my neck as he breathes me in. “We’re going today.”
I laugh. “I didn’t mean we had to—”
He completely ignores me as he pulls out his phone. He holds out his hand, and I give him the card.
After dialing the number, he holds the phone up to his ear. “Dr. Reynolds, this is Damien Wales. We received your card from a Dr. Ferguson. I’d like to have an appointment today regardless of the cost. He did? Perfect. Thank you.” He hangs up the phone and faces me.
“It’s at two today, baby.”
“Perfect.”
I lay my head on his chest as we sit there in the library, listening to the water wall behind us. It’s moments like this that I will cherish for my entire life, knowing how committed we are together. I have what my parents had, and I will never take it for granted again. We are going to make it through this storm.
As my mom always said, Love can weather anything as long as you stay true to each other.
We get back in the car, and I lay my head back as I sigh a huge breath of relief. What an afternoon.
Damien is still outside the vehicle with Bane. I guess they’re probably talking about security or an update on finding Ben. I refuse to let those thoughts weigh me down right now. I am safe, and Damien is never leaving me. I wish we would have done this sooner, considering how much better I think we are both feeling. So many insecurities have been put out there and hopefully put to rest.
I hear the door open, and I peek through one eye to watch his strong body gracefully climb in next to me. He insisted on us taking the limo to the therapist’s office, ensuring we have privacy to and from the place to hold each other.
The moment I feel his body, I smile and snuggle as close as I can get to him. “I like this feeling. I’m sorry I worried you. I’m never leaving you, Damien. You’re it for me. I hope you know that.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Alli, I know. We both just got a little lost with all the stress. I’d never stop loving or wanting you. I hope you know that.”
“I do now. It’s just easy to get bogged down and lose sight of it all. Our old insecurities just came barreling to the forefront. Did you like Dr. Reynolds?”
Damien’s scent is soothing to me as I take it in. He rubs soothing circles on my hand.
“I did. I want us to keep going until this mess is behind us. I’ve missed you too much, Alli.”
He’s right. We are feeling good right now, but we need to continue going in order to work through it all and keep those imaginary insecurities at bay. I relish each second that I’m in his arms.
“Damien, we were both at a loss on what to do with all the thoughts we had going through our head. I’m just glad it was only three weeks and not three months.”
I feel him shudder beneath me at the thought, and I agree.
He starts to run his fingers down my arm. “Are you tired, baby?”
My eyelids are getting heavy. These last few weeks have been filled with sleepless nights and days.
“A little, but I don’t want to let this moment go.” I wrap my arm around his waist to further anchor myself to him.
He kisses the top of my head and murmurs, “Sleep, baby. The moment will still be here when you wake up. I’ll make sure of it.”
And with that, I drift off, listening to the love of my life’s steady heartbeat. Just like him, it never misses a beat.
I start to wake with my body being jostled as my cell phone is ringing. Damien’s cursing lowly as he’s trying to get it out of my purse to probably silence it while trying to keep me under his arm. It’s not really working that well for him, which is funny because he’s normally so graceful. I feel like I’ve been sleeping for ages in the back of the limo while Jeremy is driving and Bane is sitting in the front passenger seat. The dimming lights are on, and I can see Damien’s tablet lit up, which means he’s probably been working.
With my sleep-thickened voice, I ask, “Who was it?”
He’s sending a text on my phone while he speaks, “It’s Sam. I’m letting her know that you’re asleep and will call back later.”
I lie back into him and close my eyes.
I need to make things right with Sam. I’ve been the worst friend I could be. She’s actually been the voice of reason in all this.
“Please tell her that I’m doing better and that I’m getting help.”
The corners of his mouth turn up as he focuses on sending the text. Before today, I wouldn’t have cared what he told her or what she said. Dr. Reynolds believes it’s a safety mechanism I do to protect anyone from getting hurt by me when I think I’m causing people pain. I happen to agree with him and will have to fight those automatic reflexes.
I just don’t know how to make it better if I don’t tell her what’s actually going on as I continue to throw white lies at her. My relationship with Sam has never been under so much stress. Now that Damien and I are mending, I’ll be able to tackle building my friendship with her next.
As always, he knows what I’m thinking before I even voice my concern.
“Alli, you guys will work it out. Baby, she’s scared because she saw you start to detach, like you had done with your
parents. You were retreating, and I was a wreck, thinking I was losing you.”
The way his warm crystal blue eyes penetrate mine in the low light has me feeling so bad for what I did.
“Damien, I’m so—”
“Alli, we are through it. You went through something traumatic, and I still have you. That’s all that matters. I don’t need an apology. We both dealt with it the best way we knew how at the time.”
I want to cry at the unconditional love I hear in that sentence.
“I wish we had gone to Dr. Reynolds that first week.”
“Me, too, but we’ll know how to better deal with problems in the future.” He continues on a more solemn note, “I pray we never have to deal with something like this again.”
I just nod into his side. I hope we never have to deal with something like this again, too. I squeeze him tighter for good measure.
“Do you want to tell Sam what happened?” he asks.
“Yes, but I’ll wait until it’s a good idea. She doesn’t have to know everything. It’s just such a big thing to keep from her at this point. I’ll manage somehow. She’s just being more persistent because she knows something serious happened with how I was attacked. She doesn’t like just knowing what the cops are sharing with the public.”
It’s so peaceful, open, and free, talking like this together.
He starts rubbing my arms and clears his throat. “I trust Sam, and with the warrant out for Ben, I think it’s time. She’s just worried about you, baby. We were scared shitless. Martin asked about you the other day and how you were dealing with it all.”
As his words register in my brain, I shoot straight up, momentarily forgetting everything else he just said. “Did you say Martin?”
Damien gives a little nod. “I did. We’ve been talking some. We might never be the best of friends again, but I would like to mend the bridge as much as possible. Regardless of his asshole behavior in the beginning, I saw through him at my parents’ house. I’m not sure when it happened, but somehow, he looks at you like a sister. The thing with Cassandra was revenge for me not being there for Becky, but he knew I didn’t love her. It was still a shitty thing to do. Once he realized how much I loved you, he started helping us without us knowing. Most of his public displays were to make sure Ben saw the animosity growing between us. He’s seen how I’ve changed. I’ve seen how he’s changed. We’ll see where it goes.”
Love Me (Trust Series #2) Page 28