And then the weirdest thing happened. About two weeks later, I got really depressed again and I decided that the only thing that would make me feel better is if someone told me “You deserve to be happy” again. But the weird rule that I made up for myself was that I couldn’t ask anyone to tell me. It just had to happen.
So I would try to lead people into saying “You deserve to be happy” by asking weird questions to teachers and to my parents like, “What do you think we all deserve, like as a species?” But no one ever said the words “you deserve to be happy” and most people looked at me like I was a crazy person, which maybe I was.
But I always pictured you saying that to me again, Miss Rita, and wished I could take a time machine back to when you first said it so I can feel your gentle hand on top of my head and hear you say it again:
“You Deserve To Be Happy.”
Anyway! I should probably go, The Slutnick just walked in and I have to protect my food.24
Okay, I know this letter is weird and totally out of the blue but, Miss Rita, I always think about you when I’m sad.25
And I think you might be my only friend.
Sincerely,26
Harper Jablonski
P.S. The Slutnick just said, “Mind if I ask what you’re writing?” And I was like, “Just a paper for class.”27
1. So technically you’re not my guidance counselor anymore.
2. Which are these!
3. Literally. I’m actually having stress migraines.
4. Or, as Missouri calls it, St. Louis.
5. The shitty part, I guess.
6. There is literally a bowling alley here. I’m not kidding.
7. Which means no roommate. Which I wanted because I’ve never shared a room with anybody (not even like sleepovers, which you may remember I don’t do).
8. Who I will heretofore refer to as The Slutnick and I’m sorry that it’s rude to do that and maybe that word is offensive to you, but it makes me feel better to call her that so, sorry, Miss Rita. ;)
9. “I noticed you were reading, is my music bothering you?”
10. Including like four huge bottles of Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner, tons of Ziploc bags, meds like DayQuil/NyQuil (capsules), a mini-microwave, ultra-thin hangers, lemon-lime Gatorades, school supplies (notepads, binders, etc.). I’m sure I’m leaving like a million things out, but you get the idea. Basic stuff.
11. The kind in the styro bowls that comes with 6 bowls of shrimp, 6 bowls of beef, and 6 bowls of chicken.
12. I know that’s maybe weird to do, but I couldn’t help it.
13. I would normally be disgusted by getting snot on the pillow, especially because it’s a pain to do laundry here, but I couldn’t stop crying.
14. I was thinking, “YOU DID WAKE ME UP!”
15. Irony alert, fatty!
16. Everyone knows that the chicken is the only one that tastes good. The beef tastes like construction paper and the shrimp tastes like an unwiped asshole—excuse me, but it does.
17. She literally has like 20 boxes of Teddy Grahams. Fucking baby. Fucking fat baby.
18. A bitch named Janice.
19. I know they say only children are spoiled because they never had to share, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I think you could say the same thing about kids who had a lot of siblings, because maybe they had to be selfish just to get anything since they were always competing. So maybe they don’t know how to share.
20. Sorry that had to be you. ;)
21. Too late for that, right?
22. As usual.
23. But in a way that I loved.
24. Just kidding. Kind of.
25. Not in a bad way, not like “it makes me sad to think about you!” but “it makes me less sad when I do.”
26. I was actually going to write “Love” but that would be weird. It’s like, “too soon!”
27. Stupid bitch. Okay. Bye for real, Miss rita!
September 29
Dear Miss Rita,
Thank you so much for your letter! I am so relieved you wrote back, mainly because right after I wrote to you, I got so embarrassed. I thought you might not remember me or maybe you would hate me. But you do remember me and you obviously don’t hate me.
And your letter was SO nice, even though it was kind of short.1
Anyway, I took your advice about being nicer to my roommate,2 but it didn’t exactly work out like I/you hoped.
Okay, so you told me that instead of secretly “harboring hatred” for The Slutnick, I should try to “engage” with her3 and ask her if she wants to hang out.
So I did that. As soon as I finished reading your letter,4 I asked The Slutnick if she wanted to do something outside the dorm room, like something social.
So Slutnick says, “Sure, what did you have in mind?”
And I say, “Anything you want.”
And I thought she would suggest something normal, like getting a cup of coffee or going to Chipotle.
But the SN says, “My sorority is holding a fundraiser tonight to raise money for Huntington’s disease. Why don’t you come with me and help out?”
And before I could say no to the Single Worst Invitation I’ve Ever Received, I said, “Sure, I’d love to.”
Okay, rewind for a second!
So The Slutnick is in a sorority, which is just some bullshit way for her to make friends with other fat girls, because if she wasn’t in the sorority, she would just be a fat girl with no friends.5
BUT. I was trying to keep an open mind like you told me to do. But not only did I have to go to this dumb thing, I actually had to work at it.
But I just kept thinking, “What would Miss Rita do?”6
And I thought you would probably tell me to go to the fundraiser and put a smile on my face, even if it means I’m not smiling on the inside.
And you know how hard it is for me to meet new people. I always do that thing, remember? Where I think everyone is secretly laughing at me all the time. And I was worried that I would go to the sorority thing and everyone would think I was a loser because I wasn’t in one7 and I would be so embarrassed and I’d be trying to smile but actually just wanting to die.
So: The Fundraiser:
It was held at an underage music venue called the Rotting Tree8 and the sorority was charging ten dollars admission to see some crappy local girl band named 77 Cents play their crappy feminist bullshit songs.
When we got there, it was already pretty busy.9 And as soon as we walked in, The Slutnick immediately became a different person.10 She started hugging everyone and squealing like an idiot and calling the other girls her “sisters” in a really forced way.11 And she was kind of trying to include me by saying, “This is Harper, she wanted to volunteer. Isn’t that SO nice?”
And the other girls were giving me hugs12 and squealing at me and I was trying to smile, I really was, but I felt like I wanted to cry because the more hugs I got the more I felt really alone. Because the hugs felt empty or bony or not warm or something. It wasn’t like when you hugged me in school, where I felt like you were not just hugging me but taking all the pain away with your hug. Like you were hugging the sadness out of my body.13 I wish I could be back in New York and get a hug from you again! Just one more hug from Miss Rita!14
Anyway!
The sorority was also holding a raffle, which is apparently where I came in. I was supposed to work with some “sister” named Stephanie selling raffle tickets to the unfortunate losers who showed up to see 77 Cents. So The Slutnick introduces me to Stephanie and I was like, “Whoa!” because she had like a humongously bony nose.15
And then The Slutnick runs off to meet the band. So I was stuck with this bony-nosed freak who I didn’t even know and I started to feel that panicky feeling again, where my heart starts racing and my breathing becomes weird. And Bony Nose probably sees that I’m panicking so she says to me, “Don’t worry, I’m a really nice boss.”16
But instead, I just said, “Thanks, Ste
ph.”
And then Stephanie told me what my degrading job would be. I had to walk around like an idiot selling people raffle tickets. It was three dollars for one ticket, five for two, or twenty dollars for a string of tickets as long as the person’s arm.17
I felt so strange. I didn’t know anyone there and now I have to walk around and be nice and try to sell them shit?
And then to make matters worse, Stephanie asked, “Do you want to meet Jocelyn?”
So I was like, “Who’s Jocelyn?”
And Stephanie’s like, “Taryn’s older sister. She has Huntington’s. She’s the reason we’re all here.”
And before I could say no to the Second Worst Invitation I’ve Ever Received, I said, “Sure, I’d love to.”
And then this weird woman started limping toward us.18
And Stephanie waves her over and says, “Jocelyn, I want you to meet Harper. She’s Becca’s roommate and was kind enough to volunteer her time tonight.”
And then Jocelyn stuttered, “Thanks for v-v-volunteering.”19
But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know if I was supposed to respond to her or just wait for her to go away.
And then she reached out to shake my hand, but her hand was like quivering.20 It freaked me out, so I just kind of waved at her. And I could tell she felt bad that I didn’t want to shake her hand, but it was like, “Stop trembling uncontrollably and then maybe I’ll touch you.”21
When Jocelyn finally walked away, Stephanie turned to me and said, “You were really rude to her. She’s probably gonna die soon and you were just really rude.”
And then Stephanie walked away and left me there alone with my roll of raffle tickets.
That’s when I started crying. At that moment, I became homesick for everything, not just my home, but everything in the past. I wished I was back at literally any other time in my past. Even the single worst day of my life22 was better than this one.
I ran backstage, looking for Slutnick because she was the only familiar thing in the whole place. But I couldn’t find her anywhere. And the band was gearing up to go on stage.
I ran around the Rotting Tree looking for Slutnick, but I couldn’t find her anywhere. So I ran to the bathroom, still crying, because I thought I had to puke. And I put my head over the toilet and gagged, but all that came out was a little thick white spit.
And with my forehead resting on the bowl, I heard the band start to play their shitty song, which was loud and fast and angry and the main girl just kept screaming, “I’m stuck inside, under your glass ceiling, stuck inside and I can’t break out!”
And I was breathing fast and my heart was racing in time with their shitty song, as I tried to puke.
Then I ran outside for some fresh air23 and something took over inside me and I just decided to run home. I was still holding the big roll of raffle tickets but I just ran and ran and ran till I made it home.
And I was so miserable, I really couldn’t take it anymore, so I decided to do something that I’d been thinking about doing for months.24
I should probably backtrack and tell you something else, which is that, over the summer, I was prescribed antidepressants, but I didn’t start taking them because I was too scared. I didn’t know what it would do to me or if I’d suddenly get totally fat or something. And it had a weird name, it was called Lexapro,25 so I never took them. But, just in case, I packed the bottle at the bottom of my suitcase and took it up to school with me.
But since I was so unbelievably upset, I decided that even getting fat wasn’t worth feeling this shitty.
So I dug through my suitcase and found the bottle. And I took one of the little white pills out and stuffed it in the back of my mouth. And since I was crying so much, I still had a lot of tears and mucus in my mouth,26 so I was able to swallow the pill without water.
Then I took a deep breath, waiting to feel better, and curled up in my bed, over my covers, still in my clothes. And I tried to go to sleep, but the weirdest thing happened. I got really dizzy and I started shivering in bed. Like shaking. Uncontrollably.
And I immediately regretted taking the Lexapro and vowed to never take anything like that again because I’m really sensitive to medications and it was making me feel so weirded out.
And I thought I might actually die. Like I thought, “Oh. This is what it feels like before you die.”
And I felt so crazy, I was shaking on the bed like I was freezing even though I was sweating through my clothes. And my whole body was shivering and I started to wonder if this is what it was like to have Huntington’s disease — to always feel like your body is not yours to control. And if this is how Jocelyn felt all the time. And then I kind of wished I had shaken her hand because I really wanted someone to touch me right now.
And I never thought I’d actually say this, but I started wishing Slutnick would come home.27
And I don’t know how much time passed, but it felt like hours before I heard the door open and the distinct sound of Slutnick’s thighs scraping together as she came in through the door.
The light was so harsh on my face, but I have never been more relieved. Slutnick said, “Harper?”
And I said, “Yeah?”
And she was like, “I was SO worried about you.”
And I said, “You were?” kind of surprised.
And she said, “We all were. You just ran out. Are you okay?”28
And I was shaking so hard that I did something I still can’t believe. I said, “Can you come hold me?”
And Slutnick didn’t say anything. She just walked to my bed, laid down, and put her arms around me.
I think she could see that I was crying so she said, “It’s gonna be okay.”
And I was this close to calling her Slutnick, but I stopped myself just in time to say, “Thanks, Becca.”
And she said, “It’s okay.”
And I asked, “Why are you being so nice to me?”
And Slutnick said, “We’re sisters.”
And even though I thought it was weird to call me a “sister” because a) I’m not in the sorority with her, and b) we’re not two black women in a Harlem church choir, I started crying again. Because, for the first time since I got to this shithole of a school, I didn’t feel totally homesick.
And I nuzzled my nose into Slutnick’s rolls of stomach fat and thought, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
And Slutnick hugged me tighter—a real, emotional hug. A hug that made me want to stay in her arms forever and totally change my life to be exactly like her. Because even though she’s a fat fucking frizzy-haired bitch,29 sometimes you just need to be hugged.
I bet you thought I would end this letter with something bitchy or mean30 but I actually feel kind of okay for the moment.
I hope you do too, Miss Rita.
Love,31
Harper Jablonski
1. And I know you told me that I should see a guidance counselor on campus, but don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to you. I guess you’re stuck with me forever!
2. Who you call “your roommate, Rebecca,” but who I will heretofore continue to refer to as The Slutnick. Haha.
3. Which sounds a little dykey, but I know what you mean.
4. Which I read four times in a row all the way through. Obsessed much?
5. And bacne.
6. Like how I equate you to Jesus??
7. Because they’re fucking dumb.
8. Makes sense that the trees in St. Louis are rotting.
9. Not surprising since this town is made up of total losers with nothing to do.
10. Although still just as fat.
11. Yup. Twenty white girls calling each other “sister” like they’re singing backup at the Cotton Club.
12. I probably contracted bacne.
13. Just tell me if I get too weird. Sorry.
14. Okay, now I sound dykey.
15. So I knew she’d be mean (because she was dealt a bad hand—or bad nose! hehe—in life).
16. And I was thinking, “You’re not my boss at all. You’re just another ugly outcast who’s part of some dumb sorority cause she’s too ugly to make friends on her own.”
17. Which was the most embarrassing part of all because I had to measure the tickets against their arms to see how many they should get and it was also sexist because men have longer arms so they got more tickets. I brought this fact up to my “boss” and she was confused because she’s an idiot and my “issue” was obviously too smart for her.
18. You guessed it. Fucking Jocelyn.
19. And a little spit came out with her V’s, which I tried to duck and avoid.
20. It actually looked like when someone is turning into a werewolf and their bones are crackling and moving inside their skin.
21. Okay, maybe that sounds evil, but seriously, I don’t know if she’s contagious, right?
22. Jenny Seifert’s Sweet Sixteen, remember?
23. Which is an oxymoron in St. Louis.
24. Don’t worry, I didn’t try to kill myself!
25. Which, if you ask me, sounds like some kind of evil dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus Lexapro.
26. I know that’s gross, but I’m trying to be honest.
27. Don’t use that against me!
28. I thought she’d be pissed that I ran out with the raffle tickets. Or that I didn’t tell Stephanie that I was leaving the Rotting Tree. Or that I was rude to Jocelyn, who was going to die soon. But she wasn’t. She was just worried about me. Weird.
29. With bad breath and acne all over her flabby back.
30. And there’s still time . . .
31. I hope it’s okay to write “Love”! I’m not a dyke, Miss Rita! I just feel a lot of things.
October 5
Dear Miss Rita,
Well, it finally happened. Yesterday, I fell in love!
It started out like a fairy tale!
Unfortunately, it did not end like one.1
I loved and lost, Miss Rita. And I know they say “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” but, after yesterday, I think I disagree with them.2
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