CARMELO ANTHONY: I just wanted to be left alone.
ME: So I walked up to him and was like, “Hey, Melo, how ’bout a little one-on-one.”
CARMELO ANTHONY: He was like (affecting a loser’s voice), “Uh . . . Mr. Anthony, I’m such a huge fan.”
ME: And Melo was like, “You think you can take me?”
CARMELO ANTHONY: And I was like, “I guess we can shoot around for a minute.”
ME: So I said, “It’s on.” Can you believe I said that? “It’s on.”
CARMELO ANTHONY: He said (affecting a girlish falsetto), “Thank you so much, Mr. Anthony! It’s such an honor! My friends are never gonna believe me.”
ME: So I suggested we play shirts and skins.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I guess he thought we were actually playing a real game.
ME: You know, just in case more guys jumped in.
CARMELO ANTHONY: And before I could tell him that there’s no way I was playing skins.
ME: I took my shirt off.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I almost threw up.
ME: And I’ve really filled out the last few months. I’ve been doing tons of crunches.
CARMELO ANTHONY: He looked like one of those kids in a Sally Struthers commercial.
ME: I’m kind of ripped. I actually think he was a little shocked.
CARMELO ANTHONY: It was actually kind of shocking the way you could see every single one of his ribs.
ME: So I took the ball out.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I let him start with the ball.
ME: And I tried to drive by him.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I think he was trying to dribble past me.
ME: But he was quick.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I literally did not move my feet.
ME: And he blocked me!
CARMELO ANTHONY: I barely raised my hand and he kind of just ran into it.
ME: And Melo was like, “Not in my house!”
CARMELO ANTHONY: And I think I apologized to him. Like just instinctively. Like when you step on a cat’s tail and you’re like, “Oh! Sorry, cat!”
ME: But we were both totally in the zone.
CARMELO ANTHONY: While he was prancing around, I finally finished reading that Economist article you emailed me.
ME: It was like we were the only two people on the planet.
CARMELO ANTHONY: It’s really terrible how they’re exploiting those Nicaraguan coffee farmers.
ME: I don’t think he’s really been tested in a while.
CARMELO ANTHONY: So I decided to give him the ball. Just to get it over with.
ME: But I robbed him in the paint and did one of my moves.
CARMELO ANTHONY: He kept trying to dribble the ball between his legs.
ME: I did my Harden Eurostep, my Rondo No-Look, my J-Craw Step Back.
CARMELO ANTHONY: But it just bounced off his knee, out of bounds. It was so embarrassing.
ME: It was so empowering! I hadn’t played like that since high school.
CARMELO ANTHONY: He’s clearly never played against another actual human person. And the worst part was . . .
ME: Oh! I forgot about the best part!
CARMELO ANTHONY: . . . there was this woman teaching a yoga class nearby and the ball kept flying over to her.
ME: There was this yoga chick near us and she was like eyeing me the whole time.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I could tell she wanted to kill this guy every time she brought the ball back to us.
ME: She was totally into me, like bringing the ball back for me . . .
CARMELO ANTHONY: And then he actually started trash-talking. Have you ever heard a skinny white dude try to talk trash?
ME: We were both getting a little dirty in the mouth.
CARMELO ANTHONY: It was like watching a Chihuahua bark at a hydrant.
ME: I was like, “I’m gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild!”
CARMELO ANTHONY: He said something horrifying about child abuse.
ME: And he was clearly intimidated.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I was actually kind of scared. He seemed crazed.
ME: So then I said, “Hope you brought toast, Melo, ’cause I’m about to spread my jam all over you!”
CARMELO ANTHONY: Then he said something kind of gross, so I just kept my mouth shut.
ME: He was speechless!
CARMELO ANTHONY: And people were starting to notice us so I said, “Next point wins.”
ME: I think I must have wore him down ’cause he was like, “Sorry, brother, I only got one more left.”
CARMELO ANTHONY: So I gave him the ball.
ME: So I grabbed the rock.
CARMELO ANTHONY: And he started dribbling it the wrong way.
ME: I went to my sweet spot.
CARMELO ANTHONY: Then he turned around and heaved it from half-court.
ME: And I launched a bullet from the fifty!
CARMELO ANTHONY: But the ball was heading nowhere near the basket.
ME: It was heading right toward that sweet nylon hole.
CARMELO ANTHONY: And I could tell that it was gonna slam off the backboard and right into yoga girl again.
ME: And I could tell that yoga girl was watching.
CARMELO ANTHONY: So I did the only thing any sane person would do.
ME: And then Melo did the stupidest thing.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I jumped up and grabbed the ball.
ME: He goal-tended my shot!
CARMELO ANTHONY: And I softly tipped the ball in, winning the game and, frankly, saving that girl’s life.
ME: And then he acted like he won the game!
CARMELO ANTHONY: But the guy was acting like he won the game!
ME: But I didn’t want to call him out. I mean, it was just a friendly game.
CARMELO ANTHONY: You know, it was always kind of annoying to work out at the Y, but this was more than I could take.
ME: I think this might be the beginning of a pretty heated rivalry.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I just hope I never see him again.
ME: It’ll probably become a regular thing for us.
CARMELO ANTHONY: I canceled my membership on the way out.
ME: This is why New York City is the greatest city in the world.
CARMELO ANTHONY: This is why I gotta leave New York.
ME: You run into the coolest people.
CARMELO ANTHONY: You’re accosted by the weirdest people.
ME: But what I realized is . . .
CARMELO ANTHONY: Anybody can be delusional and dangerous.
ME: . . . everyone is just as normal as I am.
A Marriage Counselor Tries to Heckle at a Knicks Game
Let’s go Knicks!!! But let’s also recognize the positive attributes of the opposing team!!!
Come on, Knicks!! But please note that I’m supporting the Knicks because I live in the same city as the team’s arena, which is a distinction as arbitrary as what players are assigned to what team!!! That is, I could just as easily be supporting the other team were I to live in their arena’s city!!!
Melo, you suck! And in some cultures you would be revered for such behavior! The Yanomami tribe, for example, will affect a sucking motion to indicate safe passage to a neighboring tribe!!!
Ref, are you blind?! If so, it would be amazing that you’ve been so accurately officiating up until this last play, which, for vantage reasons, appeared to me to be called incorrectly!!! Of course, I’m judging this as a layman and you have a far more appropriate view to fully evaluate what just occurred!! I honor your craft and insight and, in a way, I value your incorrect calls! It means you’re human, and that’s healthy!! Feel good about yourself and, in moments like this, remember how many calls you got right!! The world is complicated!
DEFENSE! DEFENSE! But also, OFFENSE! OFFENSE! Lest we forget how quickly the offense becomes the defense! These frameworks are constantly in flux!!!
FOUL?! Are you kidding me?! If you are, I will say, simply, thank you! Laughter and joke telling are healthy and can be us
ed to convey messages that may otherwise be too difficult to express!
Get your head out of your ass, you must be the most flexible person I’ve ever seen!!!
Go for a three!!! I want to see this game go to overtime! I know it’s difficult to hear, but I believe there is a future for you both!!! Right now, you’re in the thick of it, you’re blinded by anger, which is normal and understandable! Frankly, I’d be surprised if you weren’t upset! The wounds haven’t yet healed!
There were flagrant fouls, yes!! And there were missed opportunities!!! But there were good moments as well! The national anthem! The jump ball! The halftime show! These were good and right and real!! And to discount these good moments is as irresponsible as to count only the bad moments!!!
In fact, may you both win, regardless of the “score”!! What is a “score” anyway?! An arbitrary number assigned in accordance with how many times a ball goes through a hoop?! How silly compared to the amount of times you’ve overcome adversity together! Why don’t we count those times?! Like when there was a loose ball, and everyone tried to pick it up, regardless of allegiance?! There were no “teams” then!! There were no egos! There was just a ball that needed picking up!
If we’re going to count the “score,” why not count smiles?! Or pats on the back?! Or simple gestures that tell the other person, “Hey, I get it”?!
What’s that?! I’m being kicked out of the game?! Why?! What’d I do?!
I’m talking too much?! I’m being too loud and ruining the experience for those around me?!
Well, that’s perfectly understandable! Here we are trying to enjoy a sporting event, and I’m distracting everyone with my misguided enthusiasm, unending commentary, and meticulous analyses that conflict with the spirit of the game!!!
I can totally understand where you guys are coming from and I will leave on my own accord! In fact, I thank you for your blunt dismissal of me! I don’t think I deserve to explain my position as my actions have already indicated my lack of regard for the other fans, the teams, and, frankly, the sport at large!!!
Okay, okay, I’m leaving!!!
I hope you all enjoy the rest of the game!!! May the home team prevail! Or the visiting team! Or, if possible, may they both prevail by transcending the false notion of prevailing!!!
VII.
SELF-HELP
SMILING TRICKS YOUR BRAIN INTO THINKING IT’S HAPPY
When I was a little boy, my mother told me that if I feel sad, I should force myself to smile because it will trick my brain into thinking it’s happy.
And she was right.
Now, whenever I feel sad, I just smile and suddenly, magically, I’m happy.
And I discovered that it’s not just limited to happiness. I can convince myself of anything just by making a face that corresponds to the feeling I want to have. For example, when I’m tired, I make an energetic face and I immediately feel a surge of vitality. And when I’m feeling hungry, I make a bloated face like I just ate too much birthday cake and then my brain is tricked into thinking I’m stuffed to the gills!
Last month, I was really down in the dumps. My fiancée left me for my boss, who then impregnated her and fired me. Needless to say, I was pretty depressed! So what did I do? That’s right: I smiled and, although it took a few minutes, I eventually felt better.
But even though I felt better, I still had some problems. For example, after I lost my job, I couldn’t pay my rent. But instead of feeling sorry for myself or frantically looking for a cheap sublet, I just made the face of someone who had paid their rent and, though it didn’t happen right away, I started to feel like I actually did pay my rent. And you know what? I felt a whole lot better. My mother really was right! It felt great!
And although I was kicked out of my apartment for not actually paying my rent and I started living under the Verrazano Bridge, clutching a hobo and his pet rat for warmth, I just made the face of someone who was living in a big mansion with two swimming pools and my own helipad. And you know what happened? I started feeling like I was living in Beverly Hills, 90210! (I even made a face like I bought my mother a new car! And, judging from my face, she loved it!)
And when the scurvy set in due to a severe lack of vitamin C and I started gnawing on the hobo and his pet rat in an unconscious attempt to nourish myself, I just made the face of someone chewing on a fancy steak dinner with a heaping side of mashed potatoes. Yup, sometimes all you need is to believe and you could convince yourself of anything! They were delicious!
And my mother’s advice really got me out of a bind when I started stalking my former boss and pregnant ex-fiancée. I would just make a very casual face of someone not stalking anybody while I waited outside their house. And when they left the house to go to dinner, I followed them in a car that I had hot-wired and stolen, careful to make the face of someone who would not hot-wire a car.
And then I waited outside the restaurant and, when they ordered dessert, I stuffed my hobo’s pet rat inside a mason jar and threw it through the restaurant’s window, shattering the glass and sending the hobo’s rat scurrying through the restaurant, bloodied and frantic.
At this point, I made the face of someone who didn’t do all of those things and I immediately relaxed. Yep, sometimes the simplest solutions are also the best!
Then, when the patrons started running out of the restaurant, I made the face of someone not tackling my former boss and pregnant ex-fiancée and not stabbing them all over their bodies with a shiv I made from gnawing on a metal spoon I stole from the hobo’s pocket.
But what I didn’t realize was that the hobo had followed me to the restaurant because I had stolen his pet rat and favorite spoon. What a crazy coincidence! But instead of getting flustered, I just calmly made the face of someone who was happy to see a vengeful hobo. And then I actually felt happy to see him. Crazy, right? Fake it till you make it!
And while I was making the face of someone not killing a hobo with his own spoon, I felt totally at ease!
And when the police arrested me, I just made the face of someone who definitely didn’t murder my former boss, my pregnant ex-fiancée, and my new roommate, who was a schizophrenic hobo, and even though the police didn’t believe me, my brain was tricked into thinking I was innocent and that felt great! I guess sometimes, if you tell yourself something, you really can believe it!
And throughout the trial I made the face of someone who didn’t insist upon stroking my newly acquired pet rat on the defense stand. And when the jury read the guilty verdict, you know what I did? You got it! I smiled and thanked them for acquitting me and I actually started to feel like I was acquitted. Wow! It’s like magic!
And as I was being marched to the electric chair, I made the face of a man who was being marched to Disneyland and then my brain believed it was going to Disneyland and I was so happy because I love Disneyland. And when they pulled the lever and forty thousand volts of electricity surged through my body, I made the face of someone who was riding Space Mountain. And I smiled and smiled and smiled!
I know it sounds totally corny, but sometimes all you need is a little faith.
IF SHE RAN INTO ME NOW. . .
If she ran into me now, she would definitely fall in love with me.
I mean, it would be a little difficult not to.
I am the best version of myself at this very moment, and if she saw me like this, if she saw me right now, she would fall in love with me, probably forever.
I did laundry this morning so my clothes smell good. But more than that, when I wash my jeans, when I wash these jeans, they look particularly good on me. But only on the day that I wash them. The fibers seem to coalesce, to tighten a bit, creating a more formal fit around my leg. But because they’re blue jeans, it shows that I’m casual. Formal-fitting blue jeans: highbrow and lowbrow. She’s gonna love that.
If she ran into me now, she would see my jeans and she would think: “He’s a serious person.”
If she ran into me now, she would see my arms, sh
e would see the veins in my arms. I did a hundred push-ups this morning. Three sets of thirty-three. Which is only ninety-nine. So I do one more at the end, which I kind of half do, but it still counts. So the veins in my arms are protruding a bit more than usual. The veins look amazing, frankly. It’s like right on the cusp of heroin addict. If she just saw my veins, she’d think I was a goddamn linebacker, frankly.
She’d probably notice my veins and think they’re always like that, they’re always protruding because I’m just naturally strong. I won’t mention anything about the push-ups. Let my body speak for itself.
And I only drank stuff that would make me smell good. There was a fancy iced tea on sale this morning at the bodega. It had spearmint in it, so I smell like the spearmint. I think it was only a tertiary ingredient, but that’s what makes it so perfect. If we ended up kissing tonight—and I don’t mean to presume that that’s what would definitely happen—but if we ended up kissing—and I don’t want to rule that out—I’d taste just a little like spearmint. And she’d probably just think that’s how I naturally taste.
She should be walking by any second. Any second now.
Yeah. I’ll give it another few minutes.
If she ran into me now, we’d be together forever. If she could see me right at this moment, everything would make sense. She’d see I’m not the same silent loser from high school. The same little pipsqueak kid whose mother came early to every game and sat in the front row with her camcorder. She’d see I’ve grown up into a person, into a human being. And a pretty phenomenal human being.
I mean, look at how my day’s gone. It’s irresistible. If she met me exactly at this moment, she’d probably ask me what I was up to today and I would tell her the truth, which is so unbelievably interesting that she would be overwhelmed with adoration and we’d run off together and probably end up getting married pretty quickly. If she would just walk by! Jesus!
She’d probably ask me where I’ve just come from, what I’m doing uptown. And I’ll tell her: “I was with my aunt. She’s ninety-four and needs some company. So I was just hanging out with her and then I thought I’d sit in Central Park for a few minutes. My aunt’s the coolest.” Then I’d say, “She’s kind of my best friend,” pretending to be embarrassed at having a ninety-four-year-old best friend. She’d think it was sweet how I looked embarrassed and I’d shrug.
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