by T E kessler
‘Why don’t you go back to AA? You did well there.’
He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again.
‘Dad?’
‘It’s complicated.’
‘How is it? They can help you! Even your counsellor wants you to go back!’
He shook his head. ‘The thing is…’ He stopped again and made as if to get up.
Beth grabbed his arm, pulling him back. ‘Please, Dad, tell me.’
He rubbed his face, and Beth noticed his bottom lip was trembling again. ‘Y-you already hate me, so I daresay it won’t matter if I tell you.’ He looked so miserable that Beth was suddenly terrified. A million things were rushing through her mind: He’d taken up gambling, he’d run up more debts, he was ill—had cancer.
‘I don’t hate you,’ she managed to say.
His head lolled on his chest in desolation.
‘Dad, please! You're scaring me!’
‘Sarah… the AA’s lead counsellor, she… I… I’m in love with her. That’s why I stopped going to the group,’ he said quickly.
Whatever Beth had expected, it hadn’t been this. She’d dulled her intuition before, telling herself she was reading too much into the friendship between her dad and Sarah where, in truth, she’d been stupid for not realising.
She stared at her dad, unable to speak.
Steven dashed a hand across his face. ‘I fell in love with her almost as soon as I joined the AA group. I tried to ignore it, but the more I tried to ignore my feelings, the more I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It got to the point where I couldn’t think of anything else. The guilt became too much, and I began drinking again—even while attending the group. So, I thought if I cut my ties with the group and Sarah, I could control my drinking, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about her!’
‘You cheated on Mum?’ Beth managed at last.
‘No, no! I never had an affair. Never. I wouldn’t do that to your mum. Sarah didn’t know how I was feeling then. But now you know why I stopped going to AA.’
‘So? Go to another group!’
‘You don’t understand, Beth. I’m still in love with Sarah.’
‘Still? So you are having an affair?’
‘No!’ He moved from her, rubbing the back of his neck. He turned back. ‘I began to text Sarah when Lara went missing. I needed support, you see—’
‘I bet you did!’
He looked at her, in distress. ‘No, you have it all wrong! I needed to be strong for you, and to be strong for you I needed to be sober.’
She snorted. ‘Didn’t go to plan, did it!’
‘We met as friends but as we… as we became closer over the last few months, she admitted that she’s been through the habit herself and knows how to help me. W-we we found we had a lot in common. She also lost a son, hers in a drowning accident when he was six, and she says she can see herself in me… the way I’m handling Graham’s death and the accident and everything.’
‘You’re bonding over your dead sons!’
He flinched. ‘I’m sorry, love.’
‘Don’t love me! Oh, my God! I can’t believe this!’ She spun away and stood with her back to her dad, her hands on the top of her head, her fingers curling into her hair.
‘I told her why I left the group,’ Steven continued behind her in a lowered tone; she almost didn’t hear him. ‘I felt I had to come clean about my feelings for her. She was shocked but over the last few weeks she’s admitted to having feelings for me. I think we could have a future together.’
There was a roaring noise in Beth’s ears, and she could barely hear her dad speaking.
‘I love Alison so much, and I’d do anything to have my Ali back.’ His nickname for her mum brought a fresh wave of anguish and he covered his face with his hands. Beth turned around and stared at him, her own eyes awash with new tears. ‘B-but she’s not coming back,’ he said at last, raising his head. He wiped his tears away on his sleeve. ‘You tell me about these so-called new things that your mum can do, but the truth is, she forgets them as soon as she remembers them. Your mother will never improve, love. My wife, your mum, has gone from us forever.’
It felt like he’d punched her.
Steven reached over and wiped a tear from her cheek.
‘Don’t you love Mum anymore?’ she asked.
‘Of course I do! She’s my world, but she’s a child. I see her as I see you! We may go to bed together, but nothing happens. I don’t want it to happen. Christ, I sometimes read her a bedside story!’
He stood up and stomped over to the kitchen. He flicked on the kettle.
‘There are other groups,’ Beth said, following him.
‘I know, and I will attend one again. In fact, it’s one of Sarah’s ultimatums that I do, if we are to give ourselves a chance.’
‘And what are her other ultimatums?’
If he heard the nuance in her voice, he ignored it. ‘That I tell you what I been feeling.’ He glanced over his shoulder. ‘There’s more,’ Steven said.
Beth closed her eyes. She opened them again. ‘She’s pregnant?’
Steven looked shocked, but then he laughed. It turned into an anguished cry. ‘No! No, of course not. We haven’t been intimate. We’re just friends at the moment. I’d like more, but Sarah insists we take things slowly. We haven’t even held hands!’ Then he turned and leaned over the sink and splashed water over his face. Without looking Beth’s way, he said, ‘We’re being evicted. We had our final warning last week.’
The silence, after his words, was charged.
‘Evicted?’ Beth had to ask in case she’d heard wrong. His back was still towards her, and she watched him nod. ‘I gave you the money for the rent each month, without fail.’
‘You didn’t always pay, love,’ he said, turning to face her. ‘I only received the odd month, and I didn’t want to ask you because I didn’t think you could afford it, and you have so much on your plate.’
‘I paid you!’ she repeated. ‘I-I put money on the sideboard. Sometimes in an envelope when you weren’t around or sometimes loose under an ornament. I paid each month! I never missed a payment, never!’
‘Not every month,’ he said.
Her hands flew to clutch the top of her head. ‘You’ve spent the rent money, spent it like you spent my and Mum’s compensation money. Jesus Christ…’ She walked into the lounge feeling desolate. All those hours getting up at dawn to clean toilets and for what?
‘Beth, I swear to you—’ he said, following her.
She bounded away from him and ran up the stairs. Inside her bedroom, she grabbed her holdall and began to ram clothes into it. The tightness in her chest came back, and this time there was no anger to withhold it. There was a pain in her head, niggling before, that now thundered into her brain like a tsunami.
She stopped her packing and sat on her bed gingerly as the pain became increasingly intense. Where would she go, anyway? But more importantly, she couldn’t leave Alison.
It was her and her mum against the world.
Beth lay back on her bed, struggling to breathe, and had her panic attack alone.
THIRTY-FOUR
Beth was on autopilot the following day. She went to her cleaning job, came back, and showered, then set about making her mum breakfast. After, she took her to Caring Hands. There had been no sign of her dad. He hadn’t come down to breakfast, and so she assumed he’d stayed in bed.
Maybe he’d carried on drinking after she left him last night. She didn’t know, and frankly, she didn’t care. She sat in her car in the carpark of Caring Hands, her hands on the steering wheel, wondering just when her life would have some happiness for a change. Her phone bleeped. She hoped to God it wasn’t Yash. She couldn’t cope with him today.
Feeling sick, she picked up her phone. It was Harry, and Beth almost sagged in relief.
Morning, lovely. How about we meet for a late lunch?
Beth clutched the phone against her chest, closing her eyes as she
battled with her emotions. She didn’t just have her mum; there was Harry now, too. She wasn’t completely alone. She opened her eyes to see a spider clinging to a strand of web on her wing-mirror.
She buzzed down her window and flicked the spider off and watched as the creature scuttled down a crevice in the road. It would be great if she could flick Yash, and all her feelings about him, away so easily.
Steven was sipping a coffee when she finally went home. They glanced at one another, and Steven opened his mouth to speak, but Beth turned from him and clattered up the stairs.
She didn’t want to hear anything he said. He would always let her down.
She made more of an effort over her appearance, knowing Harry was taking her to lunch. Her eyes were still puffy from last night's crying, and her cheeks were blotchy. She dabbed on concealer and overcompensated by using a red lipstick in the hope it’d take notice off the rest of her face.
Grabbing her handbag, she left her room and headed for work. She started at noon, and she was a little early, but she didn’t care. Besides, maybe Colin would allow her an extended lunch hour.
Harry had agreed to come and pick her up at two-thirty, but he arrived half an hour earlier, looking gorgeous in black jeans and a white t-shirt. Colin was like a proud father as he waved them off, telling Beth to take the rest of the day off. Beth found herself led towards a white sporty-looking car. The top was down.
‘How many cars do you have?’ she asked.
‘This is the weekend car.’
‘It’s Tuesday.’
‘I know, I’m rebelling.’
She smiled as he unlocked it and ushered her inside. He circled the car to climb in the driver’s side. Soon they were on the road, and Harry drove until the scenery became fields and trees.
Beth leaned back, enjoying the wind against her skin and the sound of the gentle music ebbing from the music system. She felt Harry glance her way from time to time, but she didn’t look at him. After fifteen minutes, he turned off the country road and into a wooded area. It had a small carpark, but theirs was the only car. He pulled up and turned the engine off.
‘Walk?’ he said.
‘I thought we were going for lunch?’
‘In due course.’ He climbed out of the car. ‘Come on, Beth. No time to dilly-dally.’
She half-laughed and then scrambled out of the car after him. He locked the vehicle and then cocked his arm for her to slide hers through. She barely reached his shoulder. On Yash, she barely reached his chest.
She must stop thinking of Yash. He had merely been a means to Lara’s whereabouts—in which he’d let her down.
There was a small path where many people must have strolled down in the past. Trees loomed above them either side. They came to a clearing, and picnic tables dotted the area. Through the trees, Beth could see the sparkly blue of a lake. Harry ignored the tables and took her down towards the lake.
He led her to a bench, and they sat a while, watching the ducks on the lake. Then Harry turned to her, saying, ‘As soon as I saw you today, I knew you’d been crying. No, it was worse than that, you looked—look—crushed. Has Yash been in contact?’
Yash.
His name gnawed at her insides. She wished she had never got involved with him, never agreed to his deal.
‘This time, it isn’t Yash. I haven’t heard from him since the Sunday before last.’
‘Then what is it?’
‘I really don’t know where to start.’
‘At the beginning?’
She half-laughed. ‘It’s the version of “when things can’t get any worse”, only they do. A lot worse.’
‘Tell me,’ he urged.
Her phone beeped, and she dug in her pocket to fish it out.
‘It’s probably my dad. We had a huge argument last night.’ She looked at her phone and gasped. It was Yash.
Harry took her phone before she could stop him and looked at it. ‘Yash,’ he said grimly.
Beth grabbed her phone back and opened the text.
I’ve found Lara.
Three words. No further instructions. Delight—quickly followed by shame at how she had paid for Yash to find Lara—bathed Beth.
She stared at the message. This should be cause for celebration—but she didn’t trust Yash.
‘Can I see the text?’ asked Harry.
Beth hesitated, then she handed him her phone and watched Harry’s reaction. His brow furrowed, and his mouth became one grim line. Beth had her worst nightmare confirmed.
Harry knows! He knows I sold myself.
‘I paid him to find her.’ The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she watched the shock light up Harry’s face. She’d been wrong—again. Whatever he had been imagining, it hadn’t been this.
She was going to lose him again.
He gave her back her phone. ‘Tell me all, Beth.’
She couldn’t tell him. She just couldn’t. It was seedy. She’d all but prostituted herself to a Jelvia. Her eyes prickled. He took her hand again and she looked at it, entwined in Harry’s.
‘I take it you don’t mean money?’ he asked. His voice was gentle.
Beth felt her entire body tighten in shame and a prickling sensation covered her skin. Harry’s big hand squeezed hers.
‘I’m not judging you, Beth. It’s okay.’
She wasn’t aware she was crying until he moved around to her side and gathered her against him. She sobbed into his chest, dampening his shirt. Harry continued to hold her, not speaking, until her sobs became small shudders. Then he slipped off the bench, and sitting on his haunches, he glanced up at her. He tipped up her chin.
‘Have you paid him already?’ he asked.
Beth nodded. She sniffed and said, ‘He wants it in two instalments. I’ve paid the first; the second is when he’s found Lara.’ She spoke softly, not wanting to utter the words at all. She felt like a walking wound. She was opened to all. Humiliation heated her skin.
‘Was this arranged when you thought he held Lara?’
She nodded. ‘He said he’d bring her back if I paid him in…’ She risked a look at Harry. His face was full of concern. There was no horror or disgust in his eyes. He caught her looking and stole a quick kiss from her lips.
‘But now it’s looking like Lara’s run away, and he doesn’t have her after all,’ he continued for her. ‘But according to the text he’s found her.’
‘He says he’s found her. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know. If it’s true and he has found her, then I should be happy… but how can I be with him hanging over me?’
Harry stood up to sit back on the bench, then put his hand on her knee and gave her a squeeze.
‘I’m nothing more than a prostitute, Harry,’ she said. She gave a small laugh. ‘And when you think it can’t get any worse, my dad has admitted to being in love with another woman—oh, and we’re being evicted because he hasn’t been keeping up with the rent. My life is one long tragic set of circumstances. My dad’s an alcoholic, my mum is brain-damaged, and that’s all before a Jelvia wants to—’ She broke off, shaking her head, then she stood up and began to stride away, calling, ‘I’ll find my own way back,’ over her shoulder.
She hadn’t gone much further when a hand pulled her around, and then she was embraced tightly. Her face was pressed against Harry’s chest, and she sucked in his scent, seeking his strength.
Harry broke from her. His knuckles brushed her cheek. ‘Your dad needs to cope with his own issues. The rent bit can be sorted, I’m sure—’
‘Don’t you dare offer to pay—’
‘I wouldn’t be so crass. And about Yash, James will step in to help—’
‘I don’t want anyone else finding out about this! It’s too… too sick. It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting for agreeing to it.’
Harry hugged her. ‘Shh, he doesn’t need to know anything, okay? And stop being so hard on yourself.’
‘Yash will kill you if he knows I’ve tol
d you. He’ll kill James, too.’
‘We’ll go away, somewhere where he can’t find you. Australia. Jelvias haven’t stretched as far as there.’
‘But he knows where Lara is—we don’t. I can’t risk it. I must do as he says, I have no choice.’
‘Look, let’s go and find somewhere to eat. Give me a chance to think things over.’
‘Is there anything to think about?’
‘Of course! Yash doesn’t hold all the cards.’ He snatched up her hand. ‘Come on. There’s a nice bistro down the road.’
She wasn’t hungry anymore but allowed Harry to lead her back to the car.
Lunch wasn’t a happy affair. She seemed to be making a habit of those.
THIRTY-FIVE
She felt a different atmosphere as soon as she stepped into her home. Harry had dropped her off; she hadn’t asked him in. She had a feeling that Yash would text her instructions and she wanted to be alone when they came through.
Inside, there was no heavy, cloying sense of grief, and there was laughter coming from the yard. She recognised her dad’s laugh, but there was a strange woman’s voice as well.
Dropping her bag on the settee, she walked towards the kitchen. The kitchen door was open, and outside Beth could see a dark-haired woman holding a bulging bin bag—Sarah.
‘Last one, I think,’ her dad’s voice said, coming from the lean-to, and Beth heard the clang of an empty glass bottle.
She stepped outside. The back yard looked spotless.
‘Ah, Beth,’ Steven said as Sarah turned to smile at her. ‘I didn’t expect you home.’
‘Obviously,’ she said, glaring at Sarah, ‘or you’d not have your fancy woman here.’
‘Now, Beth, let’s not do this here.’
‘I came back to phone our landlord and beg him to allow us to stay,’ Beth said. She couldn’t look at Sarah. ‘But as soon as Mum and me are out of the house, you bring her in!’ She spun away, saying, ‘I can’t believe you, Dad, I really can’t! You brought her into our house… our home?’
Steven followed her into the kitchen. He caught up with her in the lounge and grabbed her arm.
‘Grow up, Beth!’ he shouted.