by T E kessler
She giggled at his pun, and he looked at her in surprise.
‘Sorry. I wasn’t going to jump. At least, I don’t think so. I went a bit crazy… I’ve been thinking crazy for a while. I keep losing it. M-my temper, I mean. And back there. I just saw red. I wanted to hurt Yash so much. I think I was venting all my anger onto him.’
‘Did you hear what he said to you? He said, “Then let your hate keep you alive”. Beth, has there been a time where he thought you were suicidal?’
‘There have been times where, if it hadn’t had been for my mum, I’d have happily stepped out in front of a bus, so maybe.’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve not been ecstatic these last few months.’
Harry moved his hand to place it around her shoulders. He rested his cheek on the top of her head. ‘I think Yash was, in a strange way, trying to save your life by keeping you dancing on his long chain.’
‘I told you my life is complicated.’
‘I like complicated. Where did he find Lara?’
‘In Spain. She’d run away like you suggested.’
‘Oh, my darling. I’m so sorry. I’m sure she didn’t do it lightly. She must have felt desperate.’
‘Desperate to get away from me?’
‘No! That’s not what I meant. She’s just not as strong as you and probably couldn’t cope.’ Her phone pinged a message, cutting Harry off. He sat upright. ‘Give me your phone,’ he demanded. ‘I’ll handle his calls and texts from now on.’
She hesitated. It’d be so easy allowing someone else to take control. ‘Not while he knows where Lara is,’ she said at last, taking her phone out of her pocket and opening the text. It was from Yash.
Both Harry and Beth pored over the phone’s screen.
Lara’s number: 07926331024
They looked at one another and then began laughing, earning them strange looks from passers-by.
‘Call it,’ Harry said once they’d sobered up.
Beth stared at the message. ‘The last text I had from Lara was “sorry”. We had a huge argument the day she went missing. I’ve never forgiven myself.’ She looked up at Harry. ‘What if she doesn’t want to come back?’
‘Then you need to know one way or another.’ He took her phone and pressed the number into it, and then held out the phone for her to take. ‘It’s ringing.’
Beth grabbed the phone and held it to her ear. Her heart was thumping.
‘Hello?’
Hearing her sister’s voice brought a fresh wave of tears. ‘L-Lara?’
‘Beth!’
The telephone call was a mixture of crying, repeated apologies and endless ‘I love yous’, and Beth was grateful for Harry’s arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him as she chatted to her sister.
‘I didn’t know what else to do, Beth. I had to get away,’ Lara said. ‘I wasn’t planning on staying away, but you never called me and I was too chicken to call you—’
‘You changed your number. I couldn’t call you.’
‘I had my phone and bag nicked in a mugging—I’m fine. I wasn’t hurt. It wasn’t even a mugging. I put it down on the floor by my chair in a café. Next thing, it’d gone. Anyway, I wrote you a letter telling you and Dad my new number.’
‘I didn’t receive any letter.’
‘Oh God, I’m really sorry,’ Lara said, and began crying again.
‘Sssh, sweetie, it’s okay. You’re safe, and that’s all that matters.’
‘What have you been thinking these months?’
Beth didn’t answer her. Instead, she said, ‘Lara, why didn’t you tell me how you felt before you ran away? I could have helped.’
‘You’d have stopped me from going.’
‘You were that desperate to leave?’ The pain stung Beth. ‘And to leave like that? All I had was a text from you with two words. Two words, Lara. Aren’t I worth more than that?’
‘I left you a letter.’
‘The letter I didn’t receive—’
‘No, not the letter I posted. I wrote a letter the day I left and put it on the sideboard behind the clock.’
Beth sat up straight and felt Harry’s arm fall away from her shoulders. ‘On the sideboard?’
‘Yes,’ said Lara. ‘I took the coward’s way out, and I’m sorry, but I didn’t do it purely for selfish reasons. Beth, you were giving up your life for me, and I was leaning on you too much. I had to make the break from you.’
Beth dragged a hand over her face. ‘I had to, Lara! I didn’t want our tragic life to claim you as a victim like it had our parents and Graham.’
‘Oh, but Beth, it hadn’t claimed me. And I know this is harsh, but I barely remember Graham, and as for Mum, she’s been a constant in my life. She’s not changed for me; she’s only changed for you and Dad.’
Beth was openly crying down the phone, and Harry’s arm was back around her, holding her close.
‘Oh, Bethy, I’ve missed you so much. How is Mum? And Dad? Is he… is he okay?’ Lara asked tentatively. ‘I hope he’s not drinking too much. He was doing so well before Christmas when he was at the AA group thing.’
Beth half-laughed. She thought she’d hidden their dad’s drinking from her sister. It showed how little she knew Lara. ‘He’s fine…’ she began, then stopped. She wasn’t going to shelter her anymore. ‘No, he never stopped, and it became worse soon after you left... but he… he’s met someone.’
‘Met someone? Like a girlfriend?’
‘His ex-AA counsellor. A woman called Sarah. That’s why he left the group—he felt guilty.’
‘Wow, bloody wow.’ Lara laughed. ‘Good old Dad. Life in the old dog yet!’
Beth closed her eyes, trying to feel the same anger she’d felt when she first heard about Sarah, but there was none. She felt drained. She’d experienced every emotion going, and now she felt tired.
‘Look, love, I have your number now, and I will call you back. I’m not at home now, and I want to share with Dad that you’re okay. Can I phone you back in an hour?’
‘Of course. I’m not going anywhere.’
Beth laughed. ‘But you did, little sis, you did.’
Beth hung up as her sister laughed tearfully. She pocketed her phone, then looked up at Harry. ‘So, Yash delivered after all, and that means I’ll have to…’ She didn’t finish. She stood up instead. ‘I need to tell Dad that Lara’s safe.’
‘This is something you’ll want to do in private,’ he said, standing, ‘but I’ll drive you back. We can collect your car later.’
Beth nodded. Her hands were shaking, and she didn’t feel up to driving.
THIRTY-EIGHT
Harry parked in her spot outside her house. He squeezed her hand as she began to climb out of the car.
‘If you want me, I’m here,’ he said.
Smiling tearfully, she nodded and left him in the car. Inside, Alison was sitting on the settee, and for a moment she looked like the mum Beth knew before the crash. The mum who held her when she was sad, the mum who rocked her when she was frightened, the mum who was always in her corner. Then Alison pointed to the TV.
‘Can I have a dog?’
Beth looked at the screen to see the old Disney classic One Hundred and One Dalmatians.
Steven stepped into the room from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a tea towel.
‘Your dinner’s in the oven—’ he began to say, but Beth flew across the room and into his arms.
‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry for everything.’
He stroked her hair. ‘It’s okay, love. Hey, hey…’ he said and held her away from him. He peered into her face. ‘What’s happened? You’ve been crying? You had a text, and then you ran off. What’s wrong, love?’
Beth pulled from him, dashing a hand across her face.
‘Dad, before, when I had to rush out, I had a phone call from… from an investigator I’d hired to find Lara.’ Her dad’s eyes were intent on her face. ‘He found her and… well… the good thing is that I’ve spoken to her on t
he phone. She’s okay and currently in Spain, having the time of her life.’
‘You spoke to Lara?’
She nodded.
His face crumpled. Then he slid to the floor, covering his face and crying great gulping sobs. Beth sank to her knees, putting her arms around her dad. She held him, knowing how he felt.
‘Steve!’ Alison shrieked. She dropped to the floor next to Steven, gathering him against her, and stroking his greying head with her hand. She looked at Beth. ‘Fetch him a biscuit,’ she said.
Both Beth and Steven began to laugh through their tears.
‘It’s okay, Ali,’ Steven said. Composing himself, he knelt up and wiped a hand across his face. He looked at Beth. ‘Lara’s okay?’
Beth nodded. ‘She ran away from us; she wasn’t kidnapped. It hurts me that she felt she had to run away. If only she had spoken to me about how she felt—’
Steven pushed himself up, then turned to help Alison up as Beth scrabbled up with them. He settled Alison back on the settee with her favourite cushion. Turning to Beth, he said, ‘If you’d had the sense to run away as well, I’d have deserved it! Beth, love, you’re young and Lara’s only seventeen! I put too much on your shoulders…’
‘Oh, stop,’ she said. She pulled out her phone and dialled Lara’s number. She listened to it for a second to make sure it had connected, and then held it out to her dad. ‘Here,’ she said.
Steven took the phone. His hand was shaking.
Beth turned and walked out of the room, leaving her dad to speak to his youngest daughter in private.
◆◆◆
Beth sat in the car with Harry; they didn’t speak, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. Harry had the car on standby and the radio was playing softly. Their hands were clasped together, and Harry’s thumb was drawing circles on the back of Beth’s hand.
Suddenly the door to their small terrace house opened, and Steven came out with Alison, who clutched her knitting in one hand and waved at them with the other. They waved back and watched as Steven knocked on the neighbour’s door.
Renia came to the door and stood back to let Alison enter. When her door was closed, Steven turned and said, ‘Are you two going to stay out there all evening?’
Glancing at one another, they unlocked their hands and climbed out of the car.
Steven stood back to let them enter. His eyes were puffy, but he was smiling broadly. ‘Before you ran off to meet with your private investigator—by the way, how did you pay for him?’ Steven asked, and Beth glanced at Harry. ‘You don’t have that kind of money, and it must have cost you a fortune.’
‘I, er…’ she floundered.
‘I paid,’ Harry said. ‘I can’t ever forget Lara’s telephone call to me on the night Beth left me. She wanted us back together, but I didn’t listen and I didn’t want to let her down again.’
Steven was nodding. ‘That’s good of you.’ He reached over and patted Harry on the shoulder, then he dropped his eyes to Beth. ‘The good news isn’t stopping yet.’
She frowned, but before she could ask him to elaborate, he stepped forward and put a hand on the top of the hideous-looking sideboard. ‘Everything placed here, or nearly everything, ended up in one of Alison’s memory boxes.’
Beth’s eyes grew round. ‘Say that again?’
He patted the sideboard again. ‘Everything placed here ended up in one of Alison’s boxes. I’ve only started to look through a few, but already I’ve found bills and final demands for this place. Sarah and I found a few of them when we were clearing out the shed.’
Beth’s mouth was opening and closing. Finally, she managed to say, ‘Lara said she wrote us a letter and placed it on the sideboard!’
‘I found it,’ he said. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a crumpled letter. He handed it over.
Beth took it with shaking fingers. She glanced at Harry, and he led her to a chair. Once she was seated, she unfolded the letter.
Dad and Beth,
This is a hard letter for me to write because I know I’ll be on my way to the airport while you’re reading it. I know my decision is going to hurt you both, but it isn’t entirely selfish so please don’t think too badly of me.
Beth, you put your life on hold being a mother to me instead of a sister. Dad, your life stopped the day of the crash; in a way, so did mine because I felt you were watching my every move, worrying about me all the time. I felt suffocated and scared that if I did something wrong, you’d hit the bottle (you and Beth thought I didn’t know about your drinking, but I’m sorry to say that I did!!!).
So, I’m breaking the cycle and I’m flying to Spain with Jen and Ashli (friends from college). We’ve been planning it for ages and we even have jobs lined up in Benidorm. Just waitressing work, but it’s going to be really fun and I’m so looking forward to it, and I know you’d (unintentionally) guilt-trip me into not going, so that’s why it’s all been a secret.
If you forgive me, please text, and we’ll keep in touch while I’m away. If you don’t (and I’ll understand completely!!!), I’ll stay away.
Love you always,
Lara.
P.S. Please forgive me. I’m sorry.
P.P.S. Sorry Bethy!!!!
Beth lowered her head into her hands, the letter crumpling in her fingers.
‘Sweetheart?’ said Harry, his hand rubbing her back.
Beth raised her head. She uncrumpled the letter and re-read it. ‘Her final P.P.S. She’s talking about the “I’m sorry” text she sent me. I thought she was saying sorry because of the argument we had! But it was because she thought we couldn’t forgive her!’
‘She knows you didn’t receive it,’ Harry reminded her.
She sniffed and nodded. ‘Can I see the boxes?’ she asked her dad.
Steven waved a hand. ‘Where would you like to start? There’s some in the shed and at least ten in the wardrobe upstairs, and loads more beneath the bed.’
‘Upstairs.’ She stood up and held out her hand to Harry—she didn’t want to do this alone.
Upstairs on the bed were boxes that Steven had already pulled from the cupboard. The contents were in piles: letters, money, electronic devices, and keys.
‘Oh, Mum,’ said Beth as she sat on the edge of the bed. She reached for a pile of bills and flicked through them. ‘No wonder we were always in trouble with our finances!’
Harry picked up a wad of cash. ‘Should have gone paperless,’ he said grinning at her. ‘There’s over a grand here, and Steve said there were more boxes under the bed?’
Beth nodded. She pointed to the money he held. ‘All that is my contribution to the housekeeping, which Dad never received. He never asked me for it, either.’
‘I’d never ask you for money, Beth.’
Beth looked up at her dad, standing in the entrance to the bedroom. He leaned against the doorjamb.
Beth stared around her. There were at least ten boxes already on the bed and many more stacked up in her parent’s wardrobe.
‘You didn’t notice all this?’ she asked.
‘The clothes I have you can count on one hand. Your mum was happy collecting stuff, so I left her to it. I never realised she was collecting important stuff.’
Beth picked up a letter from their landlord. It was dated a few months ago, and he was inquiring why they hadn’t paid that month’s rent. Dropping it on the pile, Beth picked up another envelope with her handwriting. On it she’d written:
Pissed again, Dad. That’s three nights in a row. Here’s my share of the rent.
She picked up another letter with her writing, and on the front of the envelope she’d written a single word:
Pissed!
She felt a prickling of shame. She wrote her dad sarcastic notes when he was drunk because she thought she worked and worried the hardest, and giving over her money to a father who seemingly didn’t have a care in the world, felt wrong.
She opened the envelope she’d written on and took out a bundle of twenty-pou
nd notes. She picked up another envelope with her caustic writing on the front. She’d always written a cutting message on the front. She met her dad’s eyes as she read it.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I guess you didn’t need to read that sort of thing while you had my rent.’
He smiled. ‘Realistically, I didn’t! I only received a few of them.’
She chuckled and pulled out another envelope.
‘We can pay the arrears now and have some leftover!’ he added.
‘Look!’ Beth pulled out a letter marked: Dad and Beth. It was Lara’s writing. ‘Another letter from Lara we didn’t receive,’ Beth said.
‘And there’s another one,’ Steven said and pointed to something he’d spotted. He reached over and pulled out another envelope. He stared at Beth. ‘Oh my God, Lara must have thought we’d disowned her! No wonder she didn’t come back,’ he said. ‘Open the letter, Beth.’
‘Which one?’ Harry said, picking up another letter.
Steven looked at him in horror. ‘All these letters that we didn’t reply to?’ He breathed out slowly. ‘Are they dated? Put them in order.’
They rearranged Lara’s letters in date order and elected Harry to read them. Both Steven and Beth felt too raw. The letters were full of news about Lara’s life in Spain. She’d written light-heartedly, but between the lines, Beth could sense her heartbreak that she thought she hadn’t been forgiven.
‘How do you feel about her running away?’ she asked her dad after the last letter was read.
Her dad smiled. ‘It’s certainly better than believing her a victim of Jelvias. Sometimes I wish you’d live your life more freely.’
‘But Mum—’
‘Will be okay. She’s happy in her own world. We must live ours, Beth. Living life for someone else screws you up. I don’t plan to abandon Alison. I love her, just not in the way I used to.’
‘Dad…’
He looked at her.
‘I love you.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘And that’s why, unfortunately, I’ve been able to hurt you so much with my actions. It stops now, though, okay? I know you don’t approve of Sarah but I swear to you I won’t abandon your mother. I want the best for her. The best for her and for you.’