Neither Neve nor Emma said anything, but their eyebrows crept up to their hairlines in perfect synchronisation. Flick’s stomach churned as she tried to continue.
‘He fought back tears as he confessed that he was a cross-dresser and that perhaps he should have told me when we’d first met but he’d known I was different, known I was the one, and he’d been frightened that if he told me he would scare me off. He told me he’d purged his women’s wardrobe just after we met—he’d tried to stop—but that he’d recently slipped again. To be honest, I didn’t really know what to think.’
Neve shook her head.
Emma reached across the table and squeezed her hand.
‘I was furious,’ Flick continued. ‘Of course I was relieved that he wasn’t having an affair, but there was definitely an element of betrayal. Part of me wondered if I should leave him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I mean, where was the harm in dressing up? I asked him a hundred questions—how long it had been going on, how often he did it, whether he was really gay and only marrying me because he didn’t want to come out of the closest—and he answered them all with patience and what I thought was honesty.
‘The first time he remembered wearing women’s clothes was when his two older sisters used to dress him up in their old stuff. He liked the soft fabrics and the pretty colours, the styles of dresses much more than he liked his boring boy’s clothes. Apparently he used to spend hours going through the family dress-up box, which consisted mostly of his mum’s cast-offs. He told me that as he grew older he felt jealous when his mum took them shopping and his sisters got gorgeous new outfits when all he got were play clothes.’
The more she said, the faster the words spilled from her lips—she was scared if she even took a breath, she might find herself unable to continue.
‘But he assured me that he wasn’t gay—that he definitely liked women and he loved me. He said that over the years, coming from a strong Catholic family, he’d struggled with guilt that what he was doing was somehow wrong. Many times he tried to stop, to shut down what he knew people would think were queer and kinky feelings, but doing so only made him miserable. He had never had a long-term relationship until me, because he didn’t see how his habit could co-exist with marriage. He’d even sought counselling. I was the first woman he’d ever told.
‘I could see the shame he felt and how conflicted he was. He was terrified that this would be the end of us. And it did take me a while to come to terms with his habit—his “hobby” he called it. But once I got past the shock, the love still burned as strongly. I still wanted to marry him and have a family. He’s the only man who ever truly understood me.’
She took a quick breath and sniffed because talking about her feelings for Seb made emotions well up in her throat again and she didn’t want to cry before she’d finished. ‘We made ground rules that day. He wouldn’t wear my clothes again—that was too weird. In time I encouraged him to buy his own wardrobe and we even budgeted for his dress habit. You’d die if you saw his frocks; he has way better fashion sense than I ever had.’
Neve let out a nervous laugh.
‘We also made the decision that if we had kids, which we both very much wanted, we wouldn’t ever tell them. They were my ground rules and until recently, he never broke them. As far as I know.’
‘So the kids still don’t know?’ Neve asked.
Flick shook her head. ‘Just the thought of them finding out…’ She couldn’t verbalise how it made her feel.
‘You said he wants to become a woman now. What happened? Did something happen to bring this on all of a sudden?’ Emma asked.
Flick shrugged. ‘To be honest, I don’t know. I found a letter that made me realise he was thinking about transitioning but I haven’t been able to bring myself to properly discuss it with him yet. I just feel so betrayed. I can’t help thinking that he lied all those years ago when he said a desire to wear women’s clothes was the end of his feelings. Surely you don’t just wake up one day and decide you want to be a woman?’
When she finished, Neve and Emma stared at her.
‘Please, say something,’ she pleaded, her whole body trembling from the knowledge she’d finally revealed her biggest, darkest secret.
Everything had changed between them now. There was no going back. She was no longer the perfect Flick, one half of the perfect couple, as she’d always worked so hard to be. All those memories of being the outcast in the playground came rushing back. What if Emma and Neve no longer wanted to be friends with her? Panic made her heart race as she imagined Caleb and Will shunning poor Toby as well.
‘This is almost too hard to comprehend. I never imagined…’ Emma’s voice trailed off.
‘I can’t believe you never told us,’ Neve said.
Flick wanted to flee or maybe grin and say, Just kidding. Had ya there a moment, didn’t I? but it was too late for that.
‘I’m sorry,’ she began. ‘It was just—’
‘Don’t apologise.’ Neve patted her hand and then closed her fingers around it. A touch from a friend had never felt so reassuring. ‘I’m only sorry I’ve been going on and on about my own problems these last few weeks when you’ve had this massive thing to deal with all on your own.’
‘No. Don’t think like that. How could you know what was happening when I was too scared to tell you?’
‘Oh, Flick.’
Again her friends’ arms closed around her and although being in that spot felt damn good, it also made the tears well in her eyes again and she’d done enough crying for one day. She pulled back as their waiter returned to their table.
‘Is something wrong with the food?’ He asked, his brow creased in bewilderment.
‘No, nothing,’ Flick reassured him. ‘It’s just …’
Neve continued what Flick hadn’t been able to finish. ‘We’re sure it’s lovely, but we’ve had an emotional crisis and had other things on our mind.’
The poor guy had no idea how to respond to that. He looked terrified by the idea of three women and emotions.
Neve looked to Flick. ‘Shall we get them to bring out the mains? Are you still hungry?’
Flick felt terrible but the truth was her appetite for fancy cuisine had abated. ‘Not really,’ she confessed.
Neve smiled at their waiter. ‘We’ll just have the bill, thanks.’
Once they’d paid, tipped their bewildered waiter and escaped back into the park, Flick’s friends looked to her.
‘What do you want to do now?’ Emma asked, her voice a little shaky as if she didn’t quite know what to say.
‘Um …’ Flick frowned and glanced around. ‘I know we haven’t had lunch but I kinda feel like ice-cream.’
Neve and Emma smiled. ‘Comfort food it is then,’ said Neve.
They walked a short distance and found a little kiosk that sold drinks and ice-creams. Emma insisted on paying and then they took their cones over to a shady spot under a grand old maple tree, secluded enough that they wouldn’t be bothered by passers-by. Sitting on the soft grass in this beautiful place, the warm summer sun sneaking through the branches above them, Flick could almost forget her recent confession. Almost but not quite—the heaviness in her stomach and the pitying expressions on her friends’ faces made it far too real.
‘What do you want to know?’ she asked before licking her ice-cream.
‘Oh, nothing,’ Emma rushed. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’
At the same time, Neve said, ‘What’s the sex like?’
‘Neve!’ exclaimed Emma, but Flick laughed, Neve’s blunt question strangely making her feel better.
Maybe talking about it would be cathartic. Maybe it would help her to understand it a little herself.
‘This probably sounds strange, but the sex has always been good. Not that I had a string of sexual partners before Seb to compare it with, but I’ve had no complaints.’
‘But how do you, you know … get in the mood?’
Flick laughed. ‘Probably the same way you do, Neve. But if you mean, how do I get aroused when I know he likes wearing women’s clothes, then the truth is I usually don’t even think about it. We’ve been together for over twenty years, I think he’s the sexiest guy on the planet, and very rarely has he indulged in his habit when I’ve been around. It sounds weird to say, but cross-dressing isn’t a sexual thing for him. He talks to like-minded people in internet chat rooms and he buys his clothes online. He dresses up when he’s home alone, and the rest of the time, he’s always been my Seb.’
Her eyes prickled at these last words. ‘But that was before. We haven’t slept together since he finally told me the truth. That he identifies as a woman, always has, and wants to take things to the next step. I’m not sure … I don’t think … I can’t …’ She sighed deeply, unable to finish her sentence.
Emma offered a sympathetic smile. ‘That’s understandable. What a massive shock this must have been. I don’t confess to know much about this, but I’ve seen a bit in the media lately—’
Flick rolled her eyes. ‘Haven’t we all. It’s everywhere I look.’
‘And,’ Emma continued, ‘I understood the majority of cross-dressers were just that—people who liked wearing the opposite sex’s clothing. I thought transgendering was a totally different thing.’
Flick had done her research—at various times over the last two decades and a lot more in the last week. Emma was right. She nodded. ‘Apparently only a very small percentage of male cross-dressers do actually identify as female. Lucky for me, it looks like Seb falls in that small fraction.’
‘There must be other women in your situation,’ Neve said after another period of contemplative silence. ‘Maybe getting some counselling for yourself would help. Is there someone you can talk to?’
Flick swallowed. ‘Probably. But that would also make everything more real. And I’m just … I don’t think I’m ready for that. I’m so angry at Seb right now. I can barely stand to be in the same room as him. That’s why I had to come away.’
‘Totally understandable.’ Emma reached across and patted her knee. ‘Husbands and wives aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other and this one is as about as big as they come. He’s had a long time to work up to his announcement and you also need time to get your head around it. I know you haven’t lost Seb, but you’ve found out he’s not the person you always thought he was and that is tough. I’m not saying our situation is the same, but it felt like I’d married a stranger when I discovered Max was cheating on me. You’ll probably go through all the stages of grief as you mourn the man you thought you were married to.’
‘That makes a lot of sense,’ Flick said. Betrayal was betrayal, whatever form it came in.
‘I’d kill him if he was my husband,’ Neve said.
Her straight face and serious tone made Flick smile. She loved her friends—between them, they offered everything she needed.
Emma shot Neve a look of reproval.
Neve shrugged. ‘What? I would. I’d dress him in the most hideous dress I could find and bury him somewhere far, far away. I’d need your help of course because he’s a tall, strapping bloke.’
Flick laughed so hard tears poured down her cheeks and even Emma, who’d been doing her best to keep a straight face, finally succumbed to giggles.
‘Of course, I’d actually have to have a husband for this plan to work,’ Neve mused.
‘Trust me, I’m beginning to think they’re overrated.’
‘Amen.’ Emma lifted the remains of her cone as if in a toast.
‘I must admit I’ve thought it might be easier if he’d died.’ Flick gasped, unable to believe she’d actually admitted this. ‘I didn’t mean that,’ she rushed. ‘Of course I don’t want him dead.’ At least, she didn’t think she did.
She knew there was an appalling suicide rate among the transgender community, but right now the sympathy she’d receive as a widow seemed more appealing than the attention she’d inevitably get if Seb went ahead with the transition. Then there wouldn’t just be pity; people would laugh and gossip about her family like they were on some TV drama.
‘It’s just, I’m so angry,’ she confessed. ‘I can’t even begin to think about the future, because I’m so consumed with rage. I feel like he hasn’t thought of the kids in any of this. He was always so careful about only cross-dressing when they were out, but the other night I found him doing it while Toby was home. He broke our promise. How the hell would Toby have felt if he’d walked in and found his dad all dolled up like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?’
‘Are you sure the kids have no idea?’ Neve asked. ‘How did you hide Seb’s wardrobe? You and he aren’t exactly the same size and shape.’
‘He kept a couple of items with my clothes, but the majority of his female wardrobe is hidden in a locked trunk in the shed.’
Emma raised an eyebrow. ‘And the kids never wondered what was in it?’
Flick thought back. ‘I think Zoe asked once, but she bought the story that he used it for storing old blueprints and designs and the like.’
Funny, she’d never thought much about this before but now she knew what a believable liar Seb was. He’d said there was work stuff in the trunk and they’d never questioned it, just like she’d never questioned a lot of things that perhaps she should have.
They finished their ice-creams but stayed under the tree chilling. Conversation flitted from topic to topic but always came back to Seb.
If he went ahead with gender reassignment surgery and everything else that entailed, would that make him a lesbian? What about her? Did being in costume arouse him? Were his internet endeavours of a sexual nature? Had he ever cross-dressed in public?
Flick had always thought the answer to that question was no, but now she didn’t know. Her friends had more questions, many of which she didn’t have answers for, but they helped her work out the things she needed to discuss with him. She wasn’t looking forward to that conversation, but she owed it to herself and to her kids to have it. And the sooner, the better.
‘Will you get a divorce?’ Emma made a face at the question, possibly recalling her own ordeal.
The word divorce sent a shot of icy-cold down Flick’s spine. Both she and Seb had been raised to believe that marriage was for life. The possibility of divorce had never entered her mind before but surely these were extenuating circumstances. She tried to imagine her life without Seb—a near impossible feat. Of course because of the kids, they would always be connected.
‘I haven’t got that far in my thought processes,’ she confessed.
‘Does Seb want you to stay with him?’ Neve asked.
Flick rubbed her lips together a moment, thinking back over the brief conversations they’d had this past week. ‘I think that’s what he wants, but could I honestly stay if he does become a woman?’
‘Certainly no one would blame you if you didn’t,’ Emma said.
‘And, to be honest, being a single woman has its advantages,’ Neve added. ‘And it’s not just having the bed to yourself and being able to choose the channel on the TV. Anyway, how is he planning to pay for his … you know? Aren’t these gender reassignment things pretty damn pricey?’
‘Who knows?’ It was another thing that had barely crossed Flick’s mind, but now Neve mentioned it, it was a damn good question. ‘Maybe this is why he waited till Toby was almost finished school. Maybe he thinks we can put the money we’ll save on school fees towards it.’ Like hell, she thought silently. There were numerous other ways she’d prefer to spend her hard-earned cash. She had her eye on a baby elephant that had been in deep freeze for twenty years and the zoo was now considering selling.
‘He could always set up a GoFundMe account,’ Emma pondered. ‘It seems to be the done thing now.’
Flick shuddered at the thought of their private life being splashed all over the web—friends (if any stuck by him) and well-meaning strangers sharing Seb’s plea for money on Facebook,
Twitter and Instagram. ‘No way! I will kill him before that happens.’
‘So if the kids don’t know yet, how are you going to break it to them?’
She shook her head at Emma’s question, her chest tightening. Although what other people would think worried her, her biggest fear was what Seb’s announcement would do to the kids.
‘You know, their reactions might surprise you,’ Neve said. ‘Will told me there’d been a lot of discussion at school about gender issues lately.’
Emma nodded. ‘The girls even had a unit on it in their health class. I guess it’s just the way the world is going these days. Things that would have been outrageous in our childhood, are things our kids are much more open about. By the time our children have grandchildren, they probably won’t even have a reference to gender on birth certificates.’
Her friends might have valid points but this wasn’t the future, this was now and this was her life. Toby’s and Zoe’s lives.
‘Anyway,’ she said, pushing herself up off the ground; she was done wasting their holiday talking about this. ‘Shall we keep walking? You’ve got another big night tonight, Neve. Maybe we should head back so you can get ready?’
Neve let out a loud sigh. ‘Let’s hope tonight I have more success than last night.’
She and Emma stood and dusted off the dirt and leaves their clothes had collected while sitting under the tree. As they walked in silence through the Mall and Literary Walk to the closest park exit, the cathedral-like canopy of elms took Flick’s breath away. She might not have seen much of New York yet but she already knew this would be her favourite place.
It felt like a fictional world, comforting and safe—a little like the one she’d shared with Seb.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Genevieve
The Art of Keeping Secrets Page 19