by Laura Gibson
“You guys don’t visit each other?” Kelly asked, doing a little bit of prying.
“It’s a little more complicated than that.” Rachel answered, “It’s really hard to find a happy medium with both parents, so we just kind of had to pick which one we liked more, I guess.”
Kelly’s face turned into a frown, “That sounds stressful.”
Rachel wanted to laugh, he couldn’t be more right. It was stressful. It was the hardest thing she had ever had to deal with. “You know, you try to please everyone, but something always manages to slip through and then you’re left back at square one, letting someone down.”
“I think making people happy is overrated.” Kelly turned back to looking straight forward, away from Rachel, “You’ll only be driving yourself crazy.”
“So what would your solution be?” Rachel asked, feeling better that someone understood what she was going through. Finally feeling connected to someone other than herself.
Kelly shook his head, “I have no idea.” He laughed, “I don’t even have a guess.”
“Our parents loved us very much.” Kelly nodded, “They never made us feel like anything less than amazing and they were always there for us. I guess it all boils down to a person’s choices.”
“You can have excellent parents and still make poor decisions, or you can have less than stellar parents and turn out just fine. After a while you have to stop blaming everyone else for your problems. All that matters is how you act in the end.”
“Is that why you ran away?” Rachel asked quietly.
“I couldn’t handle what happened to Anna.” Kelly was honest. “I blamed a lot of people for what happened to Anna, including our parents. So I left, because I didn’t know where else to go.”
Kelly cleared his throat, “When I moved in with the Prescotts I was able to actually let go a lot of those feelings, most of them anyways, and move on with my life.”
“But you’re still mad at Jefferson.” Rachel said, feeling the full weight of what Kelly was going through. “Or was the punch part of the letting go process?”
Kelly chuckled, “I’m still working through Jefferson’s involvement in Anna’s death. I’m trying to forgive him, but I’m just a man and that’s not doing me any favors.”
“You know, Jefferson was the one who found Anna’s body.” Kelly coughed into his hand, “And that always kinda left a bad taste in my mouth, like there was something there he didn’t want to say.”
“You think he could have saved her?” Rachel asked, wanting to comfort Kelly more than she could.
Kelly shrugged, “Maybe. I don’t know.”
Rachel looked down at her watch and sighed heavily. She didn’t want to leave their conversation. She didn’t want her time with Kelly to end. They were just getting started, things were just beginning to make sense, but she had promised Melody she would meet her for lunch and now Rachel was running late.
“I gotta run.” She said reluctantly, standing up.
Kelly gave her another said smile, “That’s what you always say.”
Rachel laughed, “I promise, I can come back tomorrow.”
“I’ll wait.” Kelly answered.
And Rachel believed him. Out of all the people involved in the drama she was introduced to, it felt like Kelly was the most truthful. The one with the least amount to gain and the most to lose, but still, he was honest with her and that went a long ways with Rachel.
Agoura Hills, California
June 11th, 2010
Rachel
Rachel had sequestered herself in her room for the better part of the last two days hoping people would just go away.
She didn’t want to have to deal with everything that was happening, especially now that she had kissed Kelly. Or Kelly had kissed her. Whichever it was, they had crossed a line. Together, at the same time. They had crossed the line that she had so carefully created and now she didn’t know what to do about it.
The clock on her sewing table read 3:32 p.m. and Rachel wondered if she could go an entire three days without food. If it meant never having to speak to anyone ever again she thought she could manage it.
But before she could really finalize her plans of never moving again there was a knock at her bedroom door. A timid knock, one that told her someone was worried about getting her.
Slowly, Rachel unfolded herself from her sitting position on the floor and opened the door.
Kelly stood there looking guiltier than ever before. But not really guilty. No, it was something else. Shame? Was that shame on his face?
“Kelly, I don’t want to talk about it.” Rachel’s small voice showed the emotional strain on her body.
“It’s not about us, Rachel.” Kelly’s voice was equally quiet, “Something’s happened.”
Rachel felt herself squint, what could have possibly happened in the last two days?
“You should come down stairs.” Kelly held out his hand for her to hold and Rachel took it because something told her to. Something said it would be better if she did.
Kelly led her down the stairs slowly and into the living room where everyone was standing around the TV, watching the screen, saying nothing.
Peter Gunn sized up Kelly Hill, his hands on his hips, his white button up dress shirt a little wrinkled from the day’s wear. He rubbed his chin and took a deep inhale of air before he continued, all parties now unsure of how this was going to play out.
“What’s wrong?” Rachel asked, her timid voice giving away her fear laced emotions. She always knew everything would come falling down sooner or later.
No matter how long she had tried to deny it she knew. It was just a matter of if and when. And now Ethan was looking at her with those eyes. The same ones he had used when he told their parents she had dropped the crystal bowl that had been in the family for three generations. Three generations shattered on the floor just like that.
Peter gave Kelly another look and then centered his attention back on Rachel, “Honey, you might want to sit down.”
Rachel nodded, her nerves threatened to freeze her entire body, but she willed it forward, feeling the uncontrollable shaking of her arms, hearing the buzzing of anxiety in the back of her skull, knowing there was possibly no going back now.
Slowly, she sat on the couch because there was nothing else she could do.
Rachel focused in on the voices of news anchors discussing something they deemed as a ‘terrible tragedy.’
Rachel frowned and turned to look back at Kelly. His expression wasn’t the same as before, it was still guilty, but it wasn’t his own guilt he was projecting now. It was more like… empathy? Rachel wanted to ask but she was drawn into what was happening on the television.
Peter was quiet while Rachel sat there, her eyes focusing on the images on the screen. Was that Phillips? Why was Phillips on the news?
She leaned forward, the blood rushing past her ears, making it hard to hear anything. But there was something there. Something she couldn’t quite understand.
After everything Jefferson had done she had chosen the course of keeping silent. Because that would protect Phillips right? That would protect her home. That would keep everything and everyone safe.
Isn’t that what she had talked herself into believing?
Action versus inaction.
Rachel took a deep breath in and exhaled, feeling her fear fill the air around her.
What was it that Melody had said to her? Covered in dirt and blood, shrouded in the darkness of the back of the car. ‘Thank you.’
She had said thank you.
Rachel blinked slowly, but her mind was frozen on the screen, staring at the looping video of police roping off the lacrosse field.
Apparently there had been a storm, the rain had washed away just enough dirt that the next morning a portion of the body was exposed to the sunlight and a grounds’ keeper had found her.
Rachel put her hands to her mouth, covering the lower portion of her face in cold clammy hands.
It seemed all thought had drained out of her body.
Action versus Inaction. Those were her options. Those were her choices and now, she could see she had chosen wrong. So wrong.
Someone came up behind Rachel and put their hands on her shoulders; she smelled Kelly’s aftershave and tried to fight the urge to shrug the comforting feeling from her body. She didn’t need comfort. She needed a good strong slap to the face. But no one was willing to give her that. No one was ever going to see that it was her fault, completely and wholly her fault.
Action versus inaction.
She had made the decision two years ago when she was sixteen, had cut all ties to the people that bound her to Phillips and had moved on. Now… now if she had just paid attention.
If she had just picked up a phone.
She would have known.
Now she sat there, surrounded by four people that just didn’t understand what she had done. They would try to comfort her. Try to get her to talk about it, but they just didn’t know. They would never know. And if they did. Rachel swallowed, unable to take her eyes off the screen, unable to think about what to do next.
The audio clip replayed, “The body of Melody Jeffords was discovered this morning after a heavy rain earlier in the week. Melody Jeffords, of course, was the sixteen year old girl who had gone missing two years ago after the scandal at her preparatory school, Phillips Academy, which involved several students. Investigators on site have yet to comment on the tragedy, and the school hasn’t released an official statement regarding the matter.”
Rachel watched the video loop click away to the morning talk show hosts as they shifted their papers holding the unsettling news, each one trading quips with the other, each one sharing their own opinion on what had happened to Melody.
But Rachel knew.
She knew exactly what had happened to Melody and she could feel the guilt wrapping around her spine like a serpent, threatening to drag her down to a level she wasn’t ready to face yet.
This wasn’t her fault, was it?
All the lies she had told, all the half-truths she had let slip through her lips, they didn’t amount to much once she was looking at the cold dead face of reality.
Was Melody afraid when it happened? Had she gone back to him after it all? Is that why she was being slowly excavated from the earth on the lacrosse field?
“This isn’t your fault.” Kelly whispered, as if he knew what Rachel was thinking, “I know you want to believe it is, but it’s not. You couldn’t have stopped Jefferson even if you wanted to.”
But that was the thing, Rachel had wanted to stop him, had tried with all her might to stop him, had even left Phillips to stop him, and it was to no avail. Everything she had done was a waste of time.
A bitter hopeless waste of time.
And now Melody was dead.
“I’m sorry, Rachel.” Her dad’s comforting voice sounded so far away, drowned out by the noisy hum of her own thoughts.
He was sorry? Why was he sorry? She shook her head slowly back and forth, trying to understand just what was happening.
Melody had been dead for two years? And no one had said anything? What did that mean for Phillips now? What did that mean for Jefferson?
Angry hot bile roiled in her stomach making Rachel feel ill, hoping she didn’t lose it right here and now, knowing she probably would if she didn’t get some control over herself. Control.
Rachel swallowed and closed her eyes, allowing her mind to block out the commentators.
Then, when everything was dull to her concentration a familiar voice came through the speakers. Slowly, Rachel opened her eyes and saw Jefferson standing in front of the main office of Phillips, his face was older, but still contained the same hawk features that threatened to ravage everything around them.
“It’s so hard to think about now.” He said to an interviewer who was holding a microphone in his face, “I mean, it’s really terrible for the family, but I’m just glad we have some closure now, you know?”
The image cut away, back to a blond anchor woman, “That of course was Jefferson Williams; he was the deceased’s boyfriend and couldn’t be found for commenting at the time of her disappearance.”
At the time of her disappearance. Two years ago. Two years of silence and she had been there all along.
Rachel couldn’t handle everyone looking at her now, like she was supposed to say something. What could she say? How could she make this better? There was no simple answer. There was no reset button. This wasn’t one of her sewing projects where she could just grab a pair of seam rippers and start over.
Her choice had cost someone their life and there was nothing she could do to make it better.
Rachel stood and turned on her heel to leave the room, to run and hide somewhere safe, but instead she came face to face with Kelly’s flannel shirt. Had he really been standing that close to her?
She looked up into his eyes and tried to think of something to say but there were no words. She had nothing for him, just like she never had before.
His arms wrapped around her frame and he pulled her closer to his chest, as if to extract her pain from her body but nothing worked.
Rachel’s brain remained in the state of action versus inaction, and what her choice had done.
The closeness of their bodies, the smell of his cologne filling her body, awoke another memory in her mind, something she had managed to bury so deep she had actually started to believe it was over. The residual memory made her ribs ache a little but she pushed past it. There was nothing that could be done.
She again looked up at Kelly and felt the odd pull she always had towards him. They were closer than she wanted to admit, mind and body. Only he had never forgotten, had never let it go.
Rachel braced her hands and pushed away from him, breaking the fragile hug he was attempting and she covered her mouth, her shaking nerves getting the better of her.
Everything was falling apart in one afternoon and she couldn’t stop it. This was no storm she could squelch with manners and proper attire, this was a monster she had helped create and now it was devouring everything.
She felt tears, treacherous and vile, threaten to boil up out of her eyes and she swallowed them back down, helplessly hoping they wouldn’t produce themselves here, not in front of these people.
Kelly opened his mouth to say something but she took a step back and shook her head, trying to keep him at bay, trying to keep him out.
This wasn’t the way things were supposed to be.
Then her legs, separate from her body, moved her from the living room to her bedroom in a quickened pace that mirrored the rapid beats of her heart.
By the time she had reached the third floor landing she was running, but where was she planning on going? It wasn’t like her room was anything that could save her.
Nothing could save her now.
She had chosen inaction and it had gotten her friend killed. Murdered by the very same man that had tried to do her in, not once, but twice.
And if Rachel had been smart, if she had been thinking, she would have done something. She would have done anything.
Rachel slammed the door shut to her room and heard the picture frames on the walls rattling.
What was she supposed to do now? What could she do now? And what about Kelly? Could her promise still hold for him? Nothing protected Melody. So what about Kelly?
Her door creaked open and Rachel reeled around, facing the intruder with lost eyes, hoping this was all just a very bad dream.
Kelly stood there for only a minute, one hand on the knob, the other on the door frame. He looked just as guilty as she did and she finally felt the tears leaving trails on her powdered face, dropping off her jaw and onto whatever dared catch them.
“Kelly.” Rachel managed to choke out as the guilt and grief finally consumed her, “I-”
Her words were muffled by Kelly striding towards her, enveloping her whole self in an embrace that was stronger than th
e one before. “I know.” He whispered, kissing the top of her head, “I know.”
Chapter Eleven
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 10th, 2008
Rachel
Rachel had met Melody at Phillips, when they were both still incredibly young. Not just in age, but there was a certain amount of childish naivety that held them both so captivated by the simple pleasures the atmosphere of Phillips had to offer.
Melody had blond hair, which once thin and lacking any amount of vitality was now fuller, brighter even. Her amber eyes sparkled and her perfect heart-shaped face always held a warm smile. She was at the peak of her beauty.
Melody had just turned sixteen and as such was just beginning to turn several heads at Phillips. One of them being a certain Jefferson William, a senior at Phillips, on his last leg at the school in more ways than one.
Ready to graduate and move to bigger and better things, eighteen year old Jefferson had also established for himself quite the reputation. A reputation both admired and frowned upon by his peers as well as his several graduate advisors.
But Jefferson had a softness about him Melody was drawn towards, and being Melody’s friend, Rachel was drug along for the ride.
Jefferson, in traditional prep school style, was on the award winning lacrosse team, and along with his teammate, Ryan Prescott, had led the team to victory again and again.
Celebrated and loved, Jefferson was in what he had planned as referring to as the good ‘ol days when he looked back on them.
He was more than ready to propel into super stardom of some sort and for some reason he wanted to take Melody with him.
Beautiful happy Melody who never wanted anything more than to be loved for who she was. Melody, who was forced to go to Phillips by her overachieving parents. Melody, the day dreamer and whisperer of holy secrets.
She floated on a cloud of optimism and allowed everyone and everything to see and touch her hopes and dreams, unaware that any moment someone could sully them. Tarnish them and make them less than what they were.