I didn’t want to go. I just wanted to stay in bed and let the day pass. Pretend that it never happened. My every waking thought had been about him. The way his long dark hair hung in his blue eyes, or the way he always wore his jeans loose enough that I could see the top of his boxers poking out, and sadly I thought about the way he smelled. God I missed that smell. He had worn the same Ralph Lauren cologne since he was old enough to like girls. That smell haunted me. It was everywhere.
I ran the brush down my hair for the hundredth time. Any excuse to stay cooped up in my room a little longer. My safe place. Where I wouldn’t have to see anyone and no one would have to see me.
A soft knock sounded on my door before it opened slightly. Mom poked her head in and I stared back at her through my vanity mirror. “You ready?” There was remorse in her eyes.
I shook my head no but answered “Yeah.” Well, more like forced the word. I looked in the mirror once more, but I still looked the same. Dull and lifeless. My skin was constantly pale, but even more so that day.
Slipping on my black flats, I walked towards the door. There was no getting out of this. I had to go.
Mom brushed my hair away from my shoulders and kissed my cheek. She had been nothing but understanding, all though I wanted to be mad and scream at her or anyone else for that matter, but I couldn’t.
I followed her outside of the house to where dad sat waiting in the car. Avoidance was the easiest thing for him. He was never very good with words. Especially when it came to me. He hated seeing me in pain. He knew that there was nothing he could do to take it away. Just a sympathetic look in my direction and the tears started to fall again.
The drive to the funeral home was short since Dane was being buried in our hometown. He was being laid to rest in the graveyard with his parents. Well, Sawyer’s parents actually. I worried about him being there since he was so upset when he found out that they weren’t really his parents. Thinking about it now though, I know that deep down in his heart he loved them. I couldn’t picture him anywhere else.
We pulled into the parking lot and the place was full. Cars draped around the place for miles. I don’t know what I was expecting to see, but I was a little shocked.
Mom and dad sat there in the car for a few long minutes without saying a word. Maybe they were waiting for me to make the first move, but my feet and butt felt like they were glued to the car. The pressure of this was too much. I wished that I could do this by myself with no one here, but it wasn’t an option.
I took a deep breath. “Let’s do this.”
I opened the car door and slid out. Eyes for miles were staring at me. I didn’t have to look around to see. I felt it. That was enough. I could imagine their thoughts.
Poor pregnant girl. Wonder what she’s going to do now?
Find a hole and bury my head in it, was what I wanted to do.
Staring at my feet, I followed the walkway inside. The smell of flowers nearly knocked me down. It was going to make me sick. I just knew it. Peeking through the double door entryway, I saw that the place was full. There wasn’t an empty seat. I could hear the cries. I could see the gray casket at the front of the room, but couldn’t see him lying there. I wasn’t close enough.
When I looked back at my mom, she was just standing there. Waiting. For me.
“I just want to look at him once, and then I want to leave. I can’t stay here.” I explained.
“Okay,” she nodded her head.
I swear that the voices hushed as I made my way closer to the front. Or maybe it was just my imagination. As I stepped closer, I felt my mother’s hand on the small of my back. I’m sure she was nudging me forward in case I backed out. But I wasn’t going to. I was already this close. The sea of people opened up and I could finally see the lower half of him. He was wearing jeans. When I followed my way up his body, I saw that Sawyer stood there holding his hand. I heard her light voice whispering words to him, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. Seeing her there with her brother broke my heart worse than it already was. Travis lightly rubbed her back as she stood there. I was so thankful that she had him. He would be her rock.
I inched my way closer to her side. My breath caught when I saw his face. The face of the boy that held my heart. It was really him. My hands shook and I thought my knees would buckle.
When Sawyer turned to face me, I lost it, and so did she. She wrapped her arms around my neck and cried. We both cried together. I’d never felt a loss like this before. She had when she lost both her parents in a car accident. Outside of her Uncle Jake, she had no other family left.
I don’t know how long we stayed glued to each other, but we needed it. She was my best friend and the only person who knew exactly what I was feeling. We were broken. I didn’t want to let her go. I cried for her, for him, and for me. Silently I wondered if the hurt in my chest would ever leave. I was worried about what all of my stress was doing to the baby, but I couldn’t make it go away.
She pulled away and for the first time we had finally looked each other in the face.
“I’m so sorry Saw,” I said because that was what I was supposed to say. Nothing else felt right.
“Oh Wren,” she cried. “I’m sorry too.” Her hands went to my belly and she leaned down to kiss it. This baby would be a part of her life too. He or she would always be our little reminder. A little piece of Dane that we would share.
I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt. I glanced over again to where Dane lay. “Could I have a minute alone with him?” I asked Sawyer.
She nodded and kissed my cheek. Travis took her hand. When they walked away, I looked back at my parents. “One minute,” I whispered and held my finger in the air.
Mom nodded and she and dad stepped back to give me so room.
I sighed heavily and took the last step to the side of the casket.
Oh God! How could you do this Dane? I loved you. The tears fell from my eyes. He looked so peaceful lying there. It wasn’t the same Dane though. Not my Dane. They had his dark hair combed over to the side, away from his face. I wanted to run my hands through it and mess it up. And those lips. They were tight and pale. Not his at all.
I leaned in closer so that I could talk to him. I just needed some peace.
“Hey,” I whispered. “It’s me Wren.” I swallowed hard. I had to do this. There would be no other chance. “I don’t know what the right thing to say is. I just can’t believe you’re gone. I love so much Dane, and I would have been there for you, if you would have let me. I swear I would.”
Those bastard tears still fell down my face.
“I’m supposed to say goodbye, but I’m not going to because I’m so mad at you. You pushed me away. I should have had a chance to say goodbye to your face. Damn it Dane, I love you.” I leaned my head over until my forehead rested against the edge of the casket. My body shook with my tears.
“Come on honey,” My mom said as her hands touched each side of my waist.
“No,” I snapped at her. “I’m not done yet.” I felt her hands let go.
“What am I supposed to do now? Huh? Our baby won’t have a father.” I gritted my teeth and looked back up at him. “You left us. We’re all alone. What am I supposed to tell the baby when it grows up? That you hated me, and you hated this world and that you didn’t even have the balls to live.” My anger was uncontrollable, and I didn’t even know where it was coming from. Maybe being angry was easier than being sad.
“I’m not saying goodbye. I’m not.” I yelled. “I love you. I don’t want you to leave me. Please Dane. Please don’t go.”
I reached out and touched his hand. “Please. Open your eyes. Tell me you love me too.” But there was nothing. “Dane,” I screamed.
I sunk to the floor on my knees and cried out his name. He wouldn’t wake up though. It was over. He was gone.
I felt myself being lifted off the ground, but I didn’t care anymore. It all felt like a blur to me. I just wanted this whole thing to be over
.
The pain had to end.
MY HOSPITAL VISIT LASTED NEARLY TWO DAYS. Sometime between leaving the funeral home, and the car ride home I had completely blacked out. I didn’t remember how it happened, but the doctor said it was caused from exhaustion, lack of fluids, and most of all stress. He said that when I was feeling stressed, so was the baby. Of course, I knew that, but I couldn’t help it. Death was hard, and he was the love of my life. They couldn’t expect me to just go on with normal life like nothing happened. I could pretend all they wanted, but it didn’t mean that the pain wasn’t still there.
Dad paced the floor, and mom sat next to me as we waited for the doctor. I had already been discharged, but the nurse said that the doctor wanted to see me once more before I left.
I scratched my long black fingernails across the fabric over my belly, my signal to the baby. At night, I would do that lightly until I fell asleep. Once the baby finally started to move I may break that habit. But for now, it soothed me.
The Doctor tapped on the door before walking in.
“Miss Porter,” he smiled. “Looks like you’re anxious to get home.”
He had no idea.
“I am,” I spoke lightly, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear. I was ready to jet. Being here meant that I missed Dane’s burial, and this was the last place I wanted to be.
He held out a book in front of me. “This is for you.”
I flipped the pages, but they were all blank. I looked up at him with a confused stare.
“It’s a journal. I thought it may be a good idea for you to write your thoughts in it. Maybe it would help relieve some of your stress.” I nodded. Even though I probably wouldn’t use it. I mean I’m not thirteen. “Also, you have to make sure that you are getting a sufficient amount of food and water in your system. Survival 101.”
I rolled my eyes. I knew this song and dance. I wasn’t deliberately starving myself. These fucking people act like I didn’t just lose the one person I love. My heart was broken, and I wasn’t doing anything that anyone else in my shoes wouldn’t do.
“I also wrote down the number to a very good doctor that I am recommending you see. You can talk with him once a week or so about the pain you’re feeling. He is highly recommended.”
“You want me to see a shrink?” I huffed. My mom nudged my arm and I knew she was trying to tone down my attitude, but she couldn’t seriously think this was a good idea.
“Call it what you want, but he is very good. I know that it’d be very beneficial. I’m not just recommending it. I’m prescribing it. At least see him every other week.”
I bit the inside of my jaw, wishing that he would just shut his trap. He was getting on my ever-loving nerves.
“This is important. Too much stress is hard on the baby. It can lead to premature birth. Do you want to deliver the baby early, and take the risk that it would have serious complications?”
No. I didn’t want that. I shook my head.
“The baby needs to stay in that oven and finish growing. Premature deliveries can mean so many bad things that we don’t want to see happen. Healthy mom equals a healthy baby. In most cases anyway. Get my drift.”
Yeah, old man. I get your drift. “Yes.” In my heart, I knew that protecting my baby was my first priority so I was probably going to see this doctor. At least once.
“See the shrink.” He said as he slapped the papers down on the edge of the bed. He thought his jokes were cute. News flash doc, they’re not. “And make sure you follow up with your doctor this week.”
I didn’t say anything more.
“Work on that journal.” He tapped the book with his wrinkly old finger. I wanted to break off that finger and stick it where the sun didn’t shine. “I don’t want to see you back in here until it’s time for that baby.” He waved as he walked out the door.
“Let’s go,” I said, but Dad was already way ahead of me.
There were times that I thought the two of us shared a brain.
All I wanted to do was get home, tuck myself tightly in the bed, and turn off all the lights and sleep. That wasn’t too much to ask.
The journal that the doc gave me was just sitting there on my nightstand, and to be honest I had been itching to write in it.
Maybe the doc was right. Maybe it would help.
Mom said I could take a couple of days to get feeling better, but that she wanted me to see the shrink. I would need more than a couple of days. She was rushing me through this, because of school. She said that seeing the therapist would be good for me.
I agreed for the baby, but also because I knew that if I didn’t she would suggest that I go back to school and I just wasn’t ready for that yet. Besides I would probably only be able to fit in one semester before I was too far along in the pregnancy to go anymore.
The sound of my screeching iron bed was loud as I sat up, resting my back against the railing. I reached for the book, pulling it onto my lap.
The pages were small and lined in black ink. It was free for me to write my deepest thoughts. I didn’t know what that’d be, but I thought that if I used it as my means to talk to Dane that it might help.
Dear Dane,
I’m still mad at you.
Love,
Wren
That was simple enough. At that rate, I would be healed in the next twenty years maybe.
“Wren,” Mom knocked on my door.
I sat the book back on top of my nightstand.
“Yeah,” I answered.
She opened the door and walked in. “I’m going to town, and I thought maybe you’d like to go. You know, get out of this house for a while. Some exercise would be good for you.”
“No thanks.”
“You can’t sit in the house all the time Wren.”
Here we go.
“I know mom. I don’t plan to. I was actually thinking I might even go for a walk in a little bit.” I explained. “I just don’t want to go into town and see people.”
She nodded. The frown lines on her forehead eased a little and I was thankful that she understood. “Okay. Do you want me to pick you up anything?”
“Naw, I’m good.”
“Okay, well I’m glad you’re getting out of the house. Don’t forget your appointment with the therapist tomorrow, and you also have an OBGYN appointment on Friday.”
“I won’t.”
“See you in a little bit.”
“Bye,” I called out as she walked away.
I kicked off the covers and stood up to stretch. A walk really did sound nice, so long as I didn’t have to do it front of a bunch of people staring. After my performance at the funeral home, I suspected people would think I had completely lost it. I knew that I shouldn’t care about what people thought, but I always had. I was one of those girls that made sure that I was well put together before leaving the house. I didn’t mind standing out in a crowd as long as I looked good doing it.
Now, not so much.
All I wanted to do was avoid eye contact with the whole world and stay hidden from everyone and everything.
I wasn’t ashamed of being pregnant. I just didn’t want people casting dirty stares and talking about how sad I was, and how alone I was, and how fucking breakable I was. I’m sure they’re talking about me when I’m not there, but I’d wanted to keep it that way. Out of sight, out of mind.
I grabbed a quick shower and threw on a pair of stretchy jogging pants and a loose fitting tee shirt. All though it wasn’t so loose anymore. My belly was already so visible. The doctor said that with my small frame that I may start to show sooner than some women.
Boy was he right.
At a little over sixteen weeks, my belly was much bigger than I thought it should be. Hiding it behind my clothes was getting much harder.
I slipped on my bright pink running shoes and grabbed my cell phone and headed outside.
The sun was bright. So bright that I had to squint before I could see clearly. It was warm and felt good aga
inst my face. I inhaled deeply and the smell of fresh cut grass was strong, and comforting. I pulled my long red hair up into a loose bun on top of my head and then I was ready to go. One short walk coming right up.
Without thinking, I walked in the direction of Dane’s Uncle Jake’s house. It was the house where he and Sawyer grew up, and only a few houses away from my own. Before I reached it, I took a deep breath hoping that I wouldn’t see anyone home.
Of course, I couldn’t be that lucky.
Of course.
Uncle Jake was carrying stuff into the house from his car. It was the only one in the driveway so that was good. I was going to walk on past and hope that he wouldn’t notice me, but decided that maybe I should just wait for him to walk in. There was a line of hedges near the sidewalk that stood about waist high. I waited behind them, nestled tightly behind so that I could be partially hidden. Once he was inside, I hurried past.
He didn’t see me.
Thank goodness.
What I didn’t think about was the fact that I’d have to walk back by it on my way home.
The rest of the block passed by quickly. House after house and no one had seen me or spoken to me. Just the way I’d hoped. I was too tired to walk much further, so I turned around to walk back.
I had one simple task today. Get out of the house.
I did it.
It may have only lasted fifteen minutes, but that’s better than nothing.
Peeking around to see Jake’s house, I didn’t spot anyone so I walked ahead.
“Wren,” Jake’s voice called out to me.
Shit.
Busted.
To my right, I saw Jake leaning over the railing on the porch. He’d obviously saw me before and waited out there until I passed back by. The street was a dead end, so he knew that I’d have to.
“Hey,” I waved not taking one step closer to that house. There was far too much sadness there. I couldn’t.
Causing Heartbreak Page 2