Dammit.
He was so sexy when he strutted across the room. There was no denying it.
Stupid hormones.
“What do you want on your pizza?” I yelled.
“Get whatever you want. I’ll eat anything.”
Once again. Though it was small, it was selfless, and it didn’t go unnoticed.
I called in the pizza order and went to the bedroom where he was busy working. It was the baby’s room. Mom had ordered furniture and curtains for every room including the baby’s. I was so happy with what we had picked out. All the furniture was white and the bedding was princess themed. The curtains were a pale pink with the cutest ruffles.
“I take it, the baby is a girl.” He asked.
I sat down in the oversized rocking chair. “Yes,” I answered. This was a subject we’d never talked about.
“When are you due?”’
“January thirty-first.”
“Really,” he looked back at me.
“Yeah.”
“My birthday is January twenty-fifth. Maybe it will be born on my birthday. That would be awesome.”
Not my first choice of words, but sure it would be cool. “I’m not making any promises. She seems to have a mind of her own.”
I rubbed my fingertips across my belly and rocked slowly in the chair.
“Thanks for all of your help today. I didn’t expect you to show up.”
“Just because of what happened the other night?”
Here we go.
When I didn’t reply, he turned to face me, curtain rods in hand. I just gave him a look that answered the question for me.
“I can move past that so long as you can. When I told you that I wanted to be your friend, I meant it.”
“Friends,” I said aloud just to reassure myself.
“Friends,” he replied with a smile.
He started singing some ridiculous nursery rhyme that he didn’t even know all the words too. I supposed the room was bringing it out of him. No matter, it was still pretty bad. I couldn’t stop laughing at him. He had it all jumbled up and he was freestyling with his own words. I couldn’t control myself once he started dancing too. It was a ridiculous sight.
“Oh,” I reached for my belly. “The baby just moved.”
He rushed over to my side. “What do you mean moved? Like kicked?”
“No, she lit up a cigarette and started dropping it like it’s hot. What do you think I meant?”
He rolled his eyes.
That was my move.
I sat there with my hands flat on my stomach for several minutes, but nothing happened.
“Guess she’s not going to do it again.” He pouted his bottom lip.
I should’ve been the one pouting.
He turned back around and started singing again.
I’ll be damned if she didn’t kick again.
It was him. It was his singing that was making her move.
“She did it again,” I said and he rushed back over.
Once again, she stopped.
“You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I think it’s your singing. Sing again, but stay close.”
Without hesitation, he broke out in song. Not caring that he sounded bad or that he was on the spot.
“Oh,” I held my stomach tighter. “Give me your hand, but keep singing.”
I placed his hand on top of my belly and laid mine across it making sure that he pressed hard enough to feel it.
He kept singing and she did it again. His eyes lit up like a Christmas trees.
“This is the first time that I felt it on the outside. Before it just felt like butterflies fluttering in my stomach.”
“So no one has felt it besides you and me.” His big green eyes captured mine.
I smiled at him.
“It’s amazing.”
“You should feel it on the inside. It’s pretty incredible.”
He swallowed hard, and I wondered what he was going to do next. If this were a movie, this would be the part where the incredible love song would play. Where the lights would twinkle and we would kiss. But this was no movie, and we weren’t living some fantasy life.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
I don’t know why. I felt like I needed to say it. I couldn’t reciprocate the feelings that were all over his face.
“I know,” was all he said.
There was a sound at the door and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Saved by the pizza guy.
We sat at the table and ate. The silence wasn’t awkward and when he did talk we laughed. He was such a funny guy. He didn’t even try to be. He just was. He was so normal. Normal to my highly fucked up self. Far too nice for the likes of me. If he ever knew how unruly and corrupted I really was, he’d run. I couldn’t blame him.
Even if years from now I decided to move on, it couldn’t be with him. I would ruin someone like him. I liked those guys that were rough. The ones that rebelled. Not the good ones. He had too much going for him and an amazing head on his shoulders.
I had tunnel vision.
And no one would be Dane.
Ever.
I COULDN’T WAIT TO GET HOME FROM work. The boss kept me over an extra hour because someone called in sick. It sucked. I knew that Wren was watching the boys and I wanted to get home in enough time to talk to her before she left.
Things were going good between us. The friend zone was working for me. It kept her in my life. It kept things simple enough between us that she could be comfortable. I wished for more with every passing day¸ but I knew she wouldn’t have it.
Honestly, I think it may never happen between us, and dammit I wanted more. Especially after last week at her place. When I felt the baby move and we shared that special moment, my hooks were sunk. I wanted to ask so badly where the father of the baby was, but didn’t. It was too soon and it would cost me all of the progress that we’d made. But I still thought about it every minute. I would never in a million years miss this. She was the most beautiful pregnant woman I’d ever seen. If I was her man. I’d keep that woman knocked up just to see her like that. He is missing everything; the baby moving and growing. He’d better hope that I never see him. I’d give him a piece of my mind.
I slipped in quietly through the garage door. She loved the family room so I knew that’s where I’d find her. The smell of supper still lingered in the air. We had adapted this routine that I was growing fond of. She made supper each night that she was here, and on nights when I worked she’d save me a plate.
I poked my head into the family room and found both boys knocked out on the big couch with Monsters Inc. playing on the flat screen. She wasn’t in there.
I walked around the door and into the kitchen. She stood there at the bar.
“Hey you. I didn’t hear you come in.” She said as she dried the dishes.
A perfectly good dishwasher and this girl hand washes and dries every dish.
It was probably weird that I noticed all of her quirky habits, but they easily stood out.
“I was trying to be quiet. How you planning on getting the boys to their beds.”
She smiled really big. “That’s where you come in.”
“Uh huh,” I shrugged. “Good to know I can be of some use to you.”
“I’ll pay you back with food.”
“Now you’re talking.”
“Your plate is in the microwave.”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
She stuck out her tongue.
“I’ll be right back,” I said and went to haul the boys to their beds. They were getting way too big to be packing up the stairs.
After I tucked them in I went back to the kitchen. Wren had heated my plate of food up and put it on the table for me.
“You’re not going to eat?” I asked.
She pulled out the chair next to me. “Nope, I’m full.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome.”
“You know,” I swall
owed my bite of food. “I’ve never had a girl for a friend before.”
She bit down on her tiny bottom lip, and it tore out my insides. She didn’t do it on purpose, but every time she did it I couldn’t help but stare. It was impossible not to.
“For some reason that doesn’t surprise me.” Her smile was big. She ran her fingers lightly over her belly.
“Is she moving again?”
“There is something about your voice. She moves whenever you talk.”
“She likes me.” I smiled. “When can we stop calling it she? Are you ever going to give her a name?”
Her head shifted to the side. “I don’t have one picked out yet.”
“Hmmm…” I pondered. “It should start with a B.”
“Oh really.” She smirked.
“Yeah, why not.”
“You’re insatiable, you know that?”
“Stop using those big words on me.” I nudged her arm.
I loved this mood she was in. Most of the time she seemed to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Maybe, since she was more relaxed with me, I could get her to open up a bit.
Please don’t backfire in my face.
“Can I ask you something? I don’t want to make you mad at me or upset.”
She had this euphoric look about her as she rubbed her belly. I couldn’t help but reach out and touch it too. There was something about it that just drew me in.
She glanced up at me when my fingers ran across her belly button.
“You want to know about the father, right?”
“Yeah, I do. You don’t have to tell me, I just wanted to know why he wasn’t in the picture. No offense, but I don’t know how anyone would want to miss this.”
“All I can say is that he won’t ever be a part of this. It’s sad, and it hurts but I can’t think about it. All that time I spend dwelling on it only makes me more upset. I don’t want to do this alone, but it would have happened that way no matter what.” She shrugged and acted like it was no big deal.
“I’m not trying to be some kind of replacement. I know you wouldn’t want that anyway, but I’m your friend, and you have me. You can always count on me. Always.”
Her smile was weak. “Friends.”
“Friends”
I didn’t get the answer that I wanted, but she opened up a little.
The conversation lightened up a bit, and she let me touch her belly some more. Weeks ago she wouldn’t have let me near her. Her defenses were up.
I settled back in my chair and stretched out my long legs under the table, and spent the rest of the evening arguing over the best B names I could come up with. She liked a few so I kept my fingers crossed.
She didn’t leave until after ten. When Mom came in she talked with us for a while. She kept giving me the stink eye. Thankfully she didn’t call me out. They were aware of my feelings for Wren and have given me the third degree several times. It wasn’t that they didn’t love Wren, but they wanted so much for me and in a certain order. Loving a pregnant woman wasn’t on their agenda for me.
I didn’t give a shit. They could argue all they wanted, but if she ever up and decided that she wanted to be with me then they were shit-out-of-luck.
Cause that girl was it.
It.
I HONESTLY COULDN’T WAIT FOR the baby to get here. Waking up all alone in this apartment was depressing. Don’t get me wrong, it was much better than the four walls of my old bedroom. I just hated feeling so lonely all the time. For so many years I obsessed about Dane. I wondered where he was, what he was doing. I’d show up at his Uncle’s house every time I heard his car. I’d completely throw myself at him so that he’d notice. Every little girl had a first love, but he was my first love and my only love, ever. The one I was supposed to marry one day. It was going to be perfect. I never looked at anyone the way I looked at him.
There was one night when I was fifteen that gave me hope, and I held onto it with a death grip. It was when my body started looking a little older. When I finally looked good enough to catch his eye. Sawyer and I were having a sleep over at her house and Dane showed up way past curfew. He’d been drinking. He found me in the kitchen getting something to drink and nearly scared me to death. I was only wearing a thin pair of shorts and a tank top that was three sizes too small. He cornered me against the wall and told me that I looked beautiful. That there was something about me that was pure and good. He kissed my lips, or should I say devoured my lips. It was my first real kiss, at least with tongue anyway. I remember how my insides felt weak. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt. Of course I was fifteen, what did I know?
He told me that he would never be the guy for me. That I needed to stop thinking that he was. He said that good and bad didn’t mix, and I’d always be good. Then he kissed me again.
Not another day passed that I didn’t think about that kiss and those words. But I didn’t care that he thought he was too bad to be with me. I wanted to prove to him that he was good.
Good enough.
It just seemed like I annoyed him to the point of hating me after that. He was so mean and hateful to me. Never caring if he hurt me or not. Yet, somehow I still managed to love him until the day he died.
The only other person who knew how much it hurt me was Sawyer, and she was always there to pick up the pieces. I just think that once you give your whole heart to someone, you can’t ever hand it to someone else.
I hadn’t written to Dane in a couple of days and thinking about him now, it just felt right. I had a lot of things to tell him. I pulled the notebook out from my nightstand and opened it up.
Dear Dane,
It’s a girl. I thought you might like to know. My dad swears that she’s going to be a red-head, even though your hair was so dark. I sure hope she doesn’t have my temper or yours for that matter. I hope she’s a good girl, but I can’t make any promises. It sucks that I have to do this alone. In my heart, I felt like you would have come around with time, but my head says otherwise. The whole situation just stinks.
I wish I could have known if you ever felt for me at least an ounce of the way that I did for you. It would make moving on a lot easier. Not that I plan on moving on. I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m not ready to let you go just yet. That sounds absurd considering I don’t have much of a choice. I just can’t help the way I feel.
I also wanted to tell you that I’m not mad at you anymore. I am still sad though. That feeling just won’t go away. I can’t help it. It’s easier for me to just pretend like you are away and someday you’ll be back, but the doctor says that’s not healthy. He’s a smart guy, but my way just works better.
Anyway, it’s almost November and it won’t be long until I get to see our little girl in person. I’ll take lots of pictures.
I still love you every day Dane. And I miss you so bad.
Love,
Wren
“There’s quite a change in you since our first visit.” Doctor Miller pointed out.
“I feel better. Not healed, but so much better.” I admitted.
“What do you think brought on the change?” His eyes narrowed and he crossed one of his legs over the other.
“I don’t know.” I thought about it for a minute.
“I think I do. Although we never discuss this person. We have skated around it our last two visits.”
Bentley.
“I don’t really feel right talking about it with you.”
“Inside this room I am your Doctor. I will never take anything you tell me outside of these four walls. I can’t, and I promise you that I wouldn’t ever.”
“But he’s your son.” I fidgeted nervously.
“Correct you are. If you don’t feel comfortable enough talking to me about this, we can find you a new Doctor.” He continued.
I interrupted. “No, I don’t want to do that.”
He smiled. He knew I wouldn’t agree to that. The sly little devil. Got to love the mind of a psychiatrist.
“Let’s talk then.”
I groaned. “You’re exhausting.”
The wicked smile plastered on his face made me want to break his damn pencil.
“Fine, what do you want to know?”
“Do you think he is the reason for your mood change?” He asked.
“You obviously do.” I countered.
“It’s not about what I think.”
I felt my insides flip, and in my head I blamed the baby. But I was just lying to myself.
“Then yes. I think he has everything to do with the change. He’s been an amazing friend to me.”
“Friend?” He questioned, and I felt like maybe this was crossing the line a bit. That maybe he was asking as a father and not a Doctor.
“I know that there are other feelings between us. They have been pushed aside for the sake of my sanity. It scares me so much. I could never betray Dane no matter what my feelings for Bentley were, and he knows that.”
“What are your feelings for Bentley?”
I shrugged.
“Why do you feel like you’re betraying a man that you only ever had a physical relationship with? He’s gone. Don’t you think he’d want you to move on? What if the situation were reversed?”
I pondered a moment. I hadn’t really thought about that. It hurt because I knew that if the situation were reversed that he wouldn’t think twice about moving on. Hell, he didn’t even want me when he could have me. I swallowed the lump in my throat. No matter how hard I tried to fight back the tears, they fell anyway.
“You’re right.” My voice was choked up. “He never really loved me. Not the way I loved him.”
“And that’s okay. He should be grateful to have been loved so strongly in his young life. Some people go through their entire life and never feel love like that.”
I was beginning to think that would be me.
“Maybe so, but what does that say about me? I mean I loved a boy so hard that it consumed my whole life. Even now. I am a fucking mess. Excuse my language, but my whole teenage life has been ransacked with this love, and with him. He was supposed to be my forever.”
He tapped his pencil lightly on the notebook in his lap.
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