“Is that so?” I asked, not interested at all in hearing about her brother.
“Yeah, he’s the quarterback of the football team,” she bounced along.
“Is that important? I don’t really like football.”
She stopped walking and grabbed my arm. Her mouth hung open in shock. “How do you not like football?”
I shrugged. “I just don’t.”
In another lifetime I had liked lots of things that I didn’t anymore. Circumstances had changed my view on a lot of things.
“Are you from here?”
Here happened to be Colorado.
I huffed, irritated with all her questions. “Yes.”
“And you don’t like football?” She gaped. “But it’s like…necessary to the way of life.”
I snorted and tilted my head. “Oxygen is necessary for life, not football.”
She shook her head and started walking. I didn’t know where she was going since she had no idea which car belonged to me.
I pointed to my car when we reached it. “It’s that one.”
“It’s cute,” she smiled.
I laughed at that. Cute was certainly not the word anyone would ever use to describe my clunker of a car. Looking at Barbie I was pretty sure she probably drove a cute little Volkswagen. I had a cute car once, but that had been before.
Before what?
Before I destroyed everything.
With Thea’s help it wouldn’t be necessary to make another trip out to my car. We walked back to our dorm and I noticed the guys playing football were gone. Maybe if I were a normal girl I’d tell Thea about Cade. Then we’d laugh and talk about how hot he was. But I wasn’t normal, not anymore.
Luckily, Thea didn’t talk much on the way back.
She ended up spending several hours on her computer while I fixed up my side of the room. There was nothing personal on my side. It didn’t scream This is Rachael Wilder’s Room! It could have any girl’s room on any campus at any school. The day that ruined my life effectively stripped me of any identity. I ghosted along, a fragment of the girl I used to be. I think my parent’s had hoped college would snap me out of this ‘phase’, but day one was a resounding failure.
“I like your comforter,” Thea said, looking over at my side of the room.
I eyed her bubblegum confection of a bedspread and looked down at my gray and yellow one. “Yeah, it’s the life of the party.”
She let out a laugh and looked around at all the pink. “I guess we can’t all be as bright and colorful.”
“And thank God for that,” I cracked a smile, smoothing my hand over the bedspread before sitting down. “One of us has to be tame.”
“So,” she bit her lip, closing the lid on her laptop, “I was wondering if you’d want to go to a pool party with me?”
I narrowed my eyes. “How on earth is there are already a party at this place? Isn’t today the first move-in day?”
“It’s not tonight,” she corrected me. “It’s Sunday, and it’s kind of a big deal around here. Only certain people get to go, because it’s invite only. Since my brother is, well my brother, I was invited, but I won’t know anyone but him there and I don’t want to be alone. Please, come?”
A pool party was not my thing, and I hadn’t worn a bikini in a year. Looking at her pitiful face and pleading eyes made it impossible to say no.
“Fine, I’ll go on one condition,” I warned, staring her down so she didn’t get too excited.
“Thank you! Whatever it is, I don’t care!” She clapped her hands together.
“I’m not swimming,” I told her. “I can’t swim,” I added, to avoid any possible questions about why I didn’t want to swim.
“What do you mean you can’t swim?” Her perky nose scrunched together. “Everyone knows how to swim.”
“Not me,” I sighed. I could swim, but I wasn’t the strongest swimmer. The real reason for not swimming had more to do with not wanting anyone to see the scar on my abdomen than with my weak swimming abilities.
She frowned. “Well, that’s fine. Most girls lounge around anyway or at least that’s what my brother said, but he probably just doesn’t want me to wear a bikini. He gets all pissy when guys look at me,” she rolled her eyes. “Typical brother.”
I didn’t have a brother, so I didn’t know. I shrugged, because she seemed to want some kind of response.
Thea stood from her bed and stretched her stiff muscles. “I’m starving. Do you want to grab something to eat?”
Food. I’d completely forgotten about dinner…and lunch for that matter. All I’d had at breakfast was an apple. My mom would’ve clucked her tongue and given me a lecture for already failing to take care of myself on the first day of school.
I was a bit afraid to agree to go with Thea, though. Despite my warning, she seemed all too eager to band together and become besties.
But I’d hate myself if, God forbid, I let her go by herself and something awful happened to her. I didn’t need a fourth death on my hands. Yes, fourth.
“Fine,” I agreed grumpily. “Let’s go.”
She smiled and tucked a piece of her strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. She grabbed her purse—and guess what? It was pink. Of course. Its bright color was a stark contrast to my skull and crossbones messenger bag.
Thea and I headed to the dining hall. I was surprised when she didn’t fill every second with chatter. Instead, it was almost peaceful walking across campus with her at my side. She didn’t know who I was or what I had done. We were strangers and she couldn’t judge me for my sins. There was something comforting in that. For the last year I’d hated myself and the looks from others hadn’t helped in that—seeing the judgment in their eyes. My parents and therapist always assured me that what happened wasn’t my fault, but that was a lie. I might not have been in prison but I was stuck behind bars of my own creation.
I missed the old Rae—or Rachael as I was called then. I missed the girl that laughed and smiled with her friends. I missed the girl that loved her parents and didn’t resent them. I missed the girl that always looked for the positive in life. I missed everything about the old me, but I killed her when I killed them.
“Rae!” Thea called and I halted in my steps. I turned around to look at her and found her standing outside two glass double doors of a brick building. “The dining hall is this way,” she nodded at the building.
Oh.
I backtracked hastily.
“It’s okay,” Thea smiled, despite the fact that I hadn’t apologized from my mistake, “I wouldn’t know where anything is if it wasn’t for my brother.” She opened the door and I followed behind her.
“You talk about your brother a lot, don’t you?” I commented, heading to the counter. I wrinkled my nose in distaste at the cheeseburger they were serving for dinner. If that was a cheeseburger than I was a duck. I picked up a bowl of salad. That seemed like the safer of the two options. Thea picked that as well.
I followed her to a table and took the seat across from her.
“I love my brother, so why wouldn’t I talked about him?”
I lifted my head, confused at first until I realized she was answering my question. I shrugged indifferently and took a bite of salad.
“You don’t talk much,” she stared at me.
I shrugged again. “I don’t have much to say.”
“Everyone has something to say.” She countered with a raised brow.
“Not everyone.”
She sighed heavily and tossed her salad around with the fork. She was growing frustrated with me and I didn’t blame her. If roles were reversed and I had to deal with me I’d get huffy too.
After a few minutes of tense silence she spoke. Her pale green eyes seared me as she stared at me, her lips turned down in a frown. “You know, we don’t have to be best friends but we do have to live together. We should at least try to make it as civil as possible and try to get along.”
“I thought I was trying,” I grumbl
ed. I looked away from her eyes and began to pick at the silvery polish on my nails.
She blew out a breath, causing her bangs to flutter against her forehead. Finally she cracked a smile. “If that’s what you call trying then you’re doing a pretty lousy job.”
“So…I don’t get an A for effort?”
“Definitely not.” She rested her head in her hand. “No stickers for you.”
“Stickers?” I asked with a raised brow.
“Yeah,” she laughed, and it was light and musical sounding. “You know, like teachers give school kids stickers when they do something good.”
I screwed my face up in displeasure. “What kind of school did you go to? No,” I held up finger, “let me guess, some preppy private school.”
Her cheeks turned pink—her favorite color, how appropriate.
“How’d you know?” She asked.
I narrowed my eyes at her fancy clothes. “You have rich kid written all over you.”
I left out the part that I was one of those rich kids. I just didn’t dress or act like it anymore.
“Is it really that obvious?” She paled, her hands fluttering over her body.
It was almost funny. Almost.
“No,” I said to put her out of her misery. It really wasn’t as obvious as I made it sound, but since I came from an upper-class family I could always pick out people who ran in the same circles.
“Oh good.” She visibly relaxed and we finished our meal in silence.
It had been twilight when we left our dorm but on the way back it was completely dark. Luckily, there were lights every few feet so you didn’t have to worry about monsters lurking in the shadows. I don’t know why I was worried. After all, all the monsters lived inside me now.
“I’m going to bed,” Thea announced when we stepped into our room, “it’s been a long day.”
I nodded in agreement. She grabbed some pajamas and went to change in the bathroom. We were lucky that our bathroom was only shared between the two of us. I wouldn’t have been pleased if we’d had to share with another dorm. I didn’t like people in my space and it was bad enough that I’d been stuck with a double.
I’d begged my parents to pull some strings to get me a single, but they refused. They told me I needed to stop locking myself away in suffering and make new friends. “Live your life, Rachael,” my mom told me before I left, her hands on my shoulders, “just because they’re dead doesn’t mean you are.”
But she was wrong. I was dead.
Live for Her
A For Her Novel
Harper James
“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
PROLOGUE
NATE
Five Months Earlier—Senior Year
Nate turned the lights off on his bike as he approached the Marshes’ home. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself and wanted a minute to prepare what he would say when the door was answered. No matter who it was, there would be explaining to do. He had left when he and Scott had fought about being caught with that stupid beer so long ago, and he had made it a point to never come back. Chloe was the one girl he was willing to break that vow for. As he straddled the bike at the end of the driveway, his heart sank. Her car was nowhere in sight. She wasn’t here, and he was no closer to making sure she was all right. He couldn’t ask her if the stories all over the news were true or if she could handle what was sure to come her way the next day.
“If you’re here to give my brother a piece of your mind, then punch him and bail, you’re a day late. Little brother, Josh, took care of that last night.” Olivia walked out from the shadows at the far end of the house where he knew she must have just crawled from her window.
“Little Livvy, long time no see.” Nate smiled.
“No, that’s not true. You have definitely seen me. You just choose not to talk to or acknowledge me, even though I’m pretty sure the thing that crawled up your ass and died has nothing to do with me.” She walked up so she stood a few feet from the bike he had turned off. “If you’re looking for the main attraction, she’s not here.”
“I figured that out: no car, no Chloe.”
“And here I thought you were the dumb one all this time.” Olivia gave him the same smile she had when they were getting in trouble as kids. After a second, she chuckled and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him. “I’ve missed you.”
Nate was taken aback. He had gone so long hating Scott that he had forgotten he had also been friends with Olivia. Slowly raising his hands, he wrapped them around her waist and hugged her middle. “Me too.”
“Sorry she isn’t here. I’ll let her know you came to check on her if I see her tonight, okay?”
“Thanks, Liv. You know, just because I hate your brother doesn’t mean we have to be mortal enemies. I remember plenty of times when we were little that it was the two of us taking him on. We can always try that again.”
“You just now figuring that out?” she asked, tilting her head to the side to study him. “Too bad you took so long. Bridges have been burned; hearts have been broken.” She took a step back and shrugged her shoulders. “Besides, at this point, Chloe’s either going to break your heart or his. You won’t want her best friend around if she breaks yours, and I can’t hurt Scott by coming around you or bringing you around here if she breaks his.”
“Yeah.” Nate sighed.
“See you around, Fennell.”
“Later, Livvy.” He waited until she had crawled back in her window to start his bike up and head home.
ONE
OLIVIA
She arrived half an hour before things were set to kick off. She, unlike the other pledges, had been granted a reprieve in order to do her required tutoring. The sorority never prevented the girls from doing what they needed to do to keep their grades up. None of them wanted to be known as the chapter that got reprimanded, especially for grades. Olivia was doing well so far for her first semester. Her GPA was still perfect, but with her being a scholarship student, it had to stay that way. The sorority was too expensive without getting all of her other costs covered. She cleared her throat and the thoughts of school from her head as she started up the front steps to the two-story house. She couldn’t wait for the day she, like the upperclassmen, was allowed to live in the massive two-story home.
“Yay!” Cameron, her closest friend in the house and a sophomore, came running to the door to meet her as she walked in. “I’ve been dying for you to get here. Did you invite him?”
“Ugh, you do realize he’s practically married, right?”
“Practically and officially are two different things.”
“Okay, then, you do realize that she’s my best friend and I have warned them about you, right?”
“But why?” Cameron crossed her arms over her chest.
“Because you’re a slore who is only interested in nailing my brother for bragging rights?” Olivia responded in a monotone, trying to convey her boredom with Cameron’s desperation.
“You’re lucky I love you and that you’re one hundred percent right. Them’s fighting words.” Cameron smirked as she turned back to where the rest of the girls were standing around a bar in the kitchen. The ones who were old enough already had drinks in their hands. A lot of those who weren’t old enough did too.
“Hey,” Olivia said to no one in particular as she joined the group and declined the drink offered to her, instead reaching out and grabbing the back of a nearby chair.
“So, is your brother coming?” One of the older girls asked, not so subtly confirming to Olivia the real reason she was allowed into the most prestigious sorority on campus. She knew, but she couldn’t make herself care. She had spent so much time confined by her parents’ rules she took the best opportunity for a real life she could. These girls prided themselves on keeping their reputations as clean as possible. They all had plans far beyond these four or five years and made sure they helped
each other accomplish their goals with the utmost success. So, yes, she sort of sold out herself and her brother for a chance to party and get a great job, but wasn’t that what most people used sororities and fraternities for anyway? Friends, food, and fun for the price of annual membership dues now. A network of employers for the future.
“Yeah, he said he would stop by.” She made sure to emphasize her next words. “With his girlfriend.”
“Sweet!” The girl yelled, “A toast to Scott Marsh.” She lifted her glass and the girls downed whatever concoction they had come up with, completely ignoring Olivia’s reminder that Chloe did, in fact, exist.
Olivia pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Chloe.
BEWARE, VULTURES ARE OUT TONIGHT.
Not too long after, she received a reply in typical Chloe fashion.
VULTURES? FOR ME? AW! TELL EM I DON’T SWING THAT WAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU. AND YOUR BROTHER. BITCHES BE WARNED.
PAHAHAHA. HURRY. BORED.
ON OUR WAY.
###
NATE
He had arrived fashionably late like some kind of girl. It wasn’t on purpose. Someone needed his help with a project coming up in class, so of course, there he was. At times it was exhausting keeping everyone around him happy. His father and brothers were one thing, but now, here at school, he had Scott, Chloe, and Hope to worry about. He couldn’t even think about Livvy. Keeping her happy was a little too prominent in his mind these days. When he arrived he had zeroed in on her immediately. He was aware of every move she made, it seemed. As soon as Scott and Chloe were in sight, he hurried toward them to distract himself from his best friend’s twin sister. Unfortunately, the lovebirds had soon disappeared out back where a few kids were enjoying the last few days of warmth. Apparently Scott’s roommate, Joel, a soccer player as well as a social player, needed constant supervision.
Nate walked around the outer parameter of the room. He slowly took in the chaos of girls pretending to be far more wasted than they were so that they had the excuse of ignorance the next day. His younger brother would love everything about this party. Way too many insecure girls looking for a guy that would make her feel beautiful for the night. Josh was too young and stupid to know these weren’t the kinds of girls you settle down with or look to in order to find any form of commitment or love. These were the kinds of girls you regret in a few days, weeks, or years. Nate knew better. He had known better since his first date with Chloe. Though he now knew she wasn’t the one he had thought her to be at the time, he had been given a glimpse of what could be. Further, seeing where Scott and Chloe’s relationship was now only made him realize that there was even more out there than he could have imagined.
Causing Heartbreak Page 17