by Hunter Blain
“That’s my joke,” I said flatly and annoyed.
“Share and share alike, John, for we are the last two vampires.”
“Which, by the way, we should probably keep it like that.”
“Should we now?” Ulric asked, bemused. “And why is that, child?”
“Long story that you won’t believe even if I told you,” I sighed again into the phone.
“A penance must be paid for the trespass against me.”
“Yeah yeah. I know. You have my friend and want me in exchange. You don’t watch a lot of movies, do you?” I asked rubbing my forehead with my fingers in agitation.
“I’ve been asleep for some time, child,” Ulric said.
“They are like plays, but better.”
“What?”
“Movies.”
“I understand the concept. Can we continue?”
“Where are we meeting,” I said as much in a statement as a question.
Ulric gave me the exact coordinates.
“That’s really annoying,” I said, “Can’t you give me a cross street or something? And where’s Depweg? How do I even know he’s alive?” I battled with anger and the feeling of being helpless in my chest.
“You don’t,” Ulric said, coldly. Helplessness blossomed throughout my being. “Be seeing you, John.”
Before he hung up, I said, “That’s John Wick.”
There was a pause followed by, “Pardon?”
Being the mature adult that I am, I retorted with, “Last word,” before hanging up.
I tossed the phone on the bed where it bounced and then slid on the floor, when it chimed with a text. I glanced over at it as I put on my Batman boxer briefs and saw an emoji from the same number. It was of a middle finger.
“Figuring things out pretty quickly, I see,” I said as I slid into my black tactical pants and normal 100% cotton socks, which were also black. My mind raced with different responses to the post-conversation as I pulled on my steel toe Doc Martin boots.
As I stood up and grabbed for my shirt, Da knocked on the door. I could tell by the sound of his little fist.
“Intrude,” I said.
The door opened and Da came in, his eyes being immediately drawn to the grey beanie still spread out on the bed. He tutted at me with pursed lips before turning back to me.
“Made new friends I see,” Da said, referring to the twins who were holding their full stomachs and sitting on the couch. Dawson was eagerly cleaning his teeth with a bone while Joey let out a room shattering belch.
“Yeah, they were at Val’s, imagine that!” I said mockingly.
“Where’s Lo…” Da started.
“Lo...ki? Loki, right? Thanos killed him, remember? We don’t know if he is really dead though. He’s been dead before,” I said as my eyes shifted to the bed and back to him.
“Dude!” Dawson said, “We know Locke is here. We can freaking smell him, alright?”
“Yeah, cut the crap,” Joey said.
From under my false bed, I heard a muffled “HA!”
Chapter 13
I carried Locke’s, um, body in one hand and my pillow with the other. I set Locke down on the coffee table as I walked to the trash where I stuffed the pillow into the already overflowing garbage. It stuck out awkwardly as I walked away.
“John,” Da said, “what are the rules for trash?”
“What?” I said innocently, “There’s plenty of room in there!” Everyone’s eyes shifted to the can which was leaning precariously. “See?” As if on cue, the trash can toppled over, spilling its contents onto the kitchen floor.
“Right,” Dawson said.
“So why is he here,” Joey said motioning at Locke.
“Long story short, he wants to stay hidden from Satan who might not know he’s haunting his own head because he is helping us to stop his former master from starting the apocalypse.”
“There’s a little more to the story than those brief synopses,” Locke said.
“Dude. I said ‘long story short.’ I said that didn’t I?” I asked as I looked around waving my hands in frustration.
“Hey,” Dawson said with a shit-eating grin, “Simmer down now. Ok? You’re coming to a boil. Simmer down.”
“Yeah man, calm down,” Joey said.
“Calmer than you are,” I said under my breath. “Anyway, Locke, this is Joey and Dawson. They are werewolves, I’m sorry, “werwolves,” I said with finger quotes using the German pronunciation. “Twins, Locke. Locke, twins,” I introduced.
“Sup, dude,” Dawson said, extending his fist out for a bump.
“Charmed,” Locke said curtly with a less than amused look on his face.
“How do you wipe your butt?” Joey asked out of left field.
“Well, it’s pretty easy when you lack said butt,” Locke chided.
“Then what’s with all that shit coming out your mouth,” Dawson said before both twins started laughing while punching each other’s shoulders.
I snickered to myself at Locke’s torment.
“Miss Hell yet?” I asked Locke.
In all sincerity, Locke said, “No.” Not even a smart-ass comment or reply as his eyes went unfocused. Hell must have really messed him up, as one might expect; but you never really understand or even begin to fathom the implications until you see it firsthand. My trust for Locke grew three sizes that day— but so did my weariness. Any man this terrified of something could be a liability if Satan were to get his hands on him again. Maybe he could use him as a spy. Shit, maybe he was using him as a spy. That would help explain how the hell he got into my hideout so easily. It would take some major mojo to see past my defenses.
Or maybe Gabriele had snuck him in all hush like to help counter Satan’s machinations. I mean, he had just learned exactly where my Bat Cave was, even the positioning of the coffee table.
[FUCK!] I yelled inwardly. PS looked over at me in agreement. Three steps forward and three steps back. I didn’t know if I could trust him. [Do we kill him? Just to be sure?] PS shrugged with indecision. [Damn, you’re right. What if Gabe delivered him to us to help defeat the Devil?] PS looked at me again and then nodded his head in agreement. [You are really of no help, dude.]
“John,” Locke said hesitantly. I snapped out of my internal conversation and saw everyone looking towards me. I could feel my face scrunched in angry concentration as I looked directly at Locke’s head.
“If you betray me,” I started suddenly and sternly, staring directly into Locke’s worried eyes, “I will submerge what’s left of you into an iron box filled with wet cement, close the lid, wrap it in silver and iron chains, and throw you into the Mariana Trench where no one will ever find you. Ever.” I leaned forward, inching closer to Locke. “Demons have no patience. You think the physical tortures in Hell are bad? Try being completely alone until the end of the universe at the bottom of the deepest ocean with only blackness and silence as your companions. I wonder how many years you’ll last before your mind snaps completely.” I placed my palms on either side of his cheeks as his eyes shifted rapidly back and forth between my hands as they lifted him up until we were almost nose-to-nose. My eyes glowed a fierce red as I willed my blood from my palms to slowly start to swallow his entire head. “If you join us completely of your own volition and not because of a lack of options, you will be rewarded. And Locke, to show I mean what I say, in both scenarios mind you,” A lump caught in my throat as I continued, the blood now covering his entire face, “I forgive you.” A tear slid down my face, disappearing into the mass of my reddish beard.
My blood started to retract, birthing the now unburned skin of Locke’s face. Da put his hand over his mouth in surprise. Then he looked at me with fatherly pride in his eyes and nodded.
“Cool,” Dawson said as if watching a CGI filled movie.
“Can you fix my acne?” Joey asked with half sincerity.
Locke’s eyes were screwed shut and he was holding his breath as if underwater. Letting one ope
n, he exhaled and said to the group looking at him in astonishment, “What?”
Joey took out his phone and snapped a picture of Locke, and then he turned the screen around to show him the gift I had given him.
Locke looked at the picture, realization growing in his eyes the longer he looked at his face. His lip quivered and he attempted to blink away his own tears.
“No one has ever…” Locke started, swallowing the emotions that tried to crawl up his throat, “no one has ever done anything nice for me. I’ve always had to take what I wanted.”
“You were kind of a huge asshole,” I said.
“I don’t want to be an asshole anymore,” Locke said with hope. “Can you help me, John?”
Da interjected at that moment with his infinite wisdom, “Eh, maybe not the best teacher for that particular job.”
“Then let’s get Depweg back,” I said, both ignoring and accepting the accurate assessment.
Chapter 14
L ocke and Da shared their plan with the twins and me. I had questions and concerns that Da and Locke patiently explained as if talking to a child about why we stop at red lights. The twins, on the other hand, took their orders with excitement. Though to be fair, their portion consisted of badass werewolf stuff while my part was more cloak and daggers. I have never been good at that part. Whenever a game says you can be stealth or run in guns blazing, I start screaming at the screen while shooting everything I see with extreme prejudice.
With the plan set in motion, it was time to face my maker one last time, for the last time; but without killing him or else I would start the apocalypse, and stuff. Jeez this was not going to fun or easy, or if I was to be frank, possible. Good thing I am not Frank though, I am John, the last of my kind… except for that other guy. You know what, let’s just get to it.
In the privacy of my room, I held the home button on my phone until my thumbprint unlocked the screen where I selected the phone icon. Pressing favorites, I called Father Thomes and held my breath as I waited for him to answer. When he did, I caught him up on the situation, intentionally leaving out Locke which I honestly felt bad about. Lying by omission is still lying. He prayed for me over the phone and gave me words of wisdom in relation to conquering our greatest enemy; ourselves.
I thanked him for his blessing, pressed the red end button on my phone, and then slide it into my coat pocket. Father T always gave the best pep talks.
It was game time.
I slipped into my iron infused body armor Depweg had given me in that other book and slapped a magazine into my Glock with the fresh iron and silver infused rounds. I holstered the Glock before picking up the silver kukri and regarding it at arm’s length.
“What’s that for? I thought we said we absolutely could not kill him,” Da said as he floated my room.
Throwing on my best John Candy impersonation, I said “Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. The elbow. Shave a little meat off the ol’ kneecap.”
Da crossed his tiny arms and glared at me, disbelieving.
“Alright, alright, alright. Look, it’s like a condom; it’s better to have one and not use it than to not have one and start the apocalypse. Or something like that, you know how the saying goes.”
“I don’t even know where to begin with that one,” Da said, rubbing his forehead in annoyance.
“Here’s the deal, Da, I’ll need every advantage against Ulric I can get. And this,” I said turning the glinting blade over in the light, “is a damn fine advantage. If I can even take off one limb that won’t be able to heal immediately, we might maybe perhaps be able to take him down without killing him, possibly.”
“I suppose you are right, John,” Da admitted with a sigh.
“But know this, my friend; if it appears that Ulric is about to kill me, then I will do everything in my power to strike him down first. At least if the gates of Hell and Heaven spill open while I still walk this flat frisbee they call Earth, then I’ll take as many demons and angels down as I can. Maybe there will be something left of the planet after. Who knows?”
“That’s a foolhardy notion.”
“I’m just kidding,” I said with a wry smile, “The Earth is a totally a sphere.”
“John!” Da barked, frustration dripping from his words, “This is no time to joke. For once in your unlife can you please take things seriously?”
Changing my posture and tone, I said, “I am serious, and this isn’t a joke to me. But you knew what you were getting into when you said ‘I do,’ so I don’t know why you are so mad at me.”
“Follow the plan. Save the world. Don’t bring the gun because I know you. You will find an excuse to use it,” Da said as he floated up to be eye to eye with me. “Think about Father Thomes, about Depweg, about the boy.”
Something the size of a baseball got lodged in my throat at the mention of the boy. I tried to swallow but couldn’t as I swayed at the impact of his words. He had known just where to hit and it was a home-fucking-run.
“Fine,” I said through my teeth. I was angry not at the fact he was right, but the method he had used to make his point. I unstrapped the holster that held the Glock and let them drop down on the bed. “But I am keeping the knife.”
“Agreed,” Da said. “Now, they are waiting for you.”
I followed Da into the living room where I saw the twins had changed into…the exact same thing they had been wearing. I pointed at them in confusion and then palmed my head, “Right, man suits. Ok we ready?”
“Bet,” Dawson said with a mischievous smile and the nod of his head.
“Yup,” said the more even keeled Joey.
“Alright Da, remember what I always say; if I die, bury me with my things because you know they are mine.”
“Go get them, tiger,” Locke said, prompting everyone in the room to slowly turn towards him in awkward flabergaste.
“Dude…” I said, mouth hung open.
“Sorry, sorry everyone. I am new to this whole positive reinforcement thing,” Locke said, only slightly embarrassed.
“Eh, I’ll give it to ya anyway,” I said to Locke with a wink. “Ok then, Autobots, Assemble!”
“Those are two completely different franchises,” Joey whispered to Dawson.
“Dude, right?” Dawson responded.
“Keep your hands and feet inside the murder train at all times; and please, don’t feed the trolls,” I said in an amusement park announcer voice.
As we stepped through the door and into the stairwell, reality snuck in and sat heavy on our minds like a two-ton elephant. This was going to happen, and it was going to happen right now. We all knew the risks and the severe consequences of our likely failure. But what choice did we have?
We stopped at the sliding marble of the mausoleum and I turned to the twins and said, “Thank you, guys, for coming. With you we have a fighting chance to save Depweg and maybe even the whole world.”
“Bet,” Dawson said while Joey just nodded.
“That word is incredibly versatile, isn’t it?”
“Bet,” Dawson said again, that stupid smile of his never fading.
“Are you guys ready for this?” I asked them.
“We got your back, bro,” Joey said. “Now let’s stop holding each other’s dicks and go save the world.”
The night was humid and the moon tried to sneak around black clouds, only to be overwhelmed after only a moment of success. I closed my eyes, feeling the night, and inhaled deeply. After holding my breath, I let it out in a long stream of air to calm my nerves, and then opened my eyes to see the night again. My eyes had shifted and the scene was as clear as day to me.
I extended out my arms to either side of me and said to the twins, “Hold on.”
Without hesitation, which was kind of touching, they grabbed onto my arms. I squatted down until my knees were at 90 degrees, then leaped into the night. We flew through the air for about thirty feet before landing. Well, I did anyway. The twins had lost their g
rip and fallen after only a few feet in the air. They hit the ground and tumbled toward me, stopping a few yards away, moaning.
“Hold on, tight?” I said with the pitch of the last word going up in question.
“We aren’t that strong in our man suits dude,” Joey groaned as he pushed up to his knees.
“Oh, right. Ok then, let’s try this,” I said as I walked over to where they were still trying to stand, grabbed them each around the waist and hooked my fingers into their belts and or fanny packs. I crouched again and leaped towards the place Ulric had told me. This time, the twins came with. I could feel their bodies tense but they remained in control enough to not scream as we rocketed through the night at less than blinding speed. I did keep the g-force down to a minimum for the wires. They were stronger than any mortal, but still susceptible to things like physics.
Several minutes later, we arrived at the location. It was an empty field that had a burnt out home sitting at the edge closest to the street. The house looked like it was hand built in the early 1900’s. The land was mostly knee-high grass with a clearing in the middle that was about the full length of a football field.
I walked, alone, towards the field, the twins having been dropped off several hundred yards back to flank this position. My hands opened and the grass grazed and tickled my fingers, oblivious to what was about to unfold. Facing death, I thought of Lily. I bet she could have been helpful right about now. Then again, it was characteristic of the Fae to let others do their fighting. Plus, she was more of a lover than a fighter; or at least I tried to convince myself. Actually, it was best she wasn’t here because that would just be another potential distraction that I couldn’t afford.
As I cleared the field and entered the clearing, I called out, “Ulric, come out and face me.”
From behind me came my response, “Always so dramatic, John.”
I spun in surprise as Ulric open palm struck me in the forehead, sending me tumbling backward for several yards. Luckily, I was stunned and panicked because it didn’t hurt that much. Either that or it was really bad and my body hadn’t been able to tell me the full extent of the pain and damage yet.