Later that Saturday around nine o’clock, I was enjoying a quiet morning as the boys slept in for once. The doorbell rang and with Mary in my arms, I answered the door. Two officers from the marines were on the other side.
“Mrs. Schultz?”
“Yes,” I replied, preparing myself for questioning. I wondered if my husband was in trouble for breaking the rules that morning. What would I say? I didn’t want to say anything that would get him into trouble. Was there a way I could get in touch with him before I spoke? What had he already told his superiors? What does he want me to say? Anxiety started to electrify my body. Pete handled the stressful stuff, but this time it was about him.
“May we come in? We need to speak to you.”
“Sure, come in. Oh no, is my husband in trouble? You have to understand, he wasn’t here long and just wanted to check in.”
“I’m afraid we have bad news. Please, sit down Mrs. Schultz.”
“What’s wrong? Is he being kicked out? Please, you’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Schultz. Your husband was killed along with five others in his unit.”
“What? Was he in an accident? Surely, he couldn’t have gotten hurt already. You must be mistaken.”
“No, ma’am. There was a roadside bomb that was tossed at them while they were walking civilians out of the village. We’re very sorry, Mrs. Schultz.”
“You’re mistaken. He was just here not even an hour ago, and he helped Mary walk to me. It must have happened to someone else. He was just here, in the USA, in this house. He told me that he was here secretly. Maybe he’s on some mission. Don’t try to fool me. That’s cruel. I know he’s on some assignment.”
“No, ma’am, that’s not possible. I’m very sorry, but we are positive. This happened yesterday evening. Wives have a hard time when their husbands are at war. It is common for wives to dream of being with them.”
“Are you kidding me? Do you think I’m a crazy wife who is living in a dream world?”
“His body will be here tomorrow. We’ve made arrangements to have his body held at the hospital here for your convenience. We would like you to come tomorrow and formally identify his body. One of our representatives will be there to meet you.”
“You mean formally deny that it was him. I tell you, he was just here.”
“He was a very honorable marine, and we all loved him,” they said as they rose to leave. “If there is anything we can do, please let us know. Is there someone we can call for you, ma’am?”
I was annoyed at that point. “No, I’m fine and capable of making a call myself. This is horrible. Someone out there is unaware that they lost a loved one because you misidentified someone. It’s bad enough these men are in Iraq in the first place.”
“Mrs. Schultz, we don’t know what happened here, if you were sleeping or what—”
I interrupted, “Sleeping? Do you think I don’t know if I am awake or sleeping? Please, don’t disrespect me that way.”
“We’re sorry. Please just come to the hospital tomorrow at 1:00 p.m., and we will talk there.”
They got up, and I followed them to the door.
“Fine. We need to clear this up, gentlemen. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good day, ma’am.”
“Yeah, good day.”
Ben came around the corner with his model in hand.
“Good Morning, Mommy. Look what me and Daddy made.”
“Cool honey.”
I embraced him so tightly with a sense of relief that maybe he saw Pete too. But a part of me thought maybe he was dreaming. Was I being as insensitive as the marines? Did Pete see the boys too? I didn’t dare ask for fear that if they didn’t, they would be upset. So, I just kept the visit to myself and didn’t speak about it with my boys. But as I looked into Mary’s little blue eyes, I know that we both knew that he was there.
I let go of Ben and immediately ran to the phone to call Linda.
“Linda, you will not believe what just happened. I need you to come with me tomorrow to the morgue to identify, I mean, clear some things up.”
I continued to share with Linda what had happened that morning, from Pete’s visit to the conversation I had with the marines. She was quite skeptical about the whole thing. She’s not very religious but is very logical. The events I told her about weren’t logical. Through her eyes, I was either dreaming and Pete was dead, or I was dreaming and Pete was alive. She didn’t believe that Pete could have been there at all because it didn’t make sense that he would just stop by like that in route to another station. She couldn’t believe me, but she tried to give me the benefit of the doubt. She would stand by me and go with me to the morgue. Before she made her final analysis, she would see things for herself.
Chapter 4
Not My Husband
At one o’clock the following day, Linda and I arrived at the hospital. It was Sunday, and I had already attended mass with my children. As I walked into the room, I prayed to God that he would give me the strength to endure what I was about to see. The thought of seeing someone’s loved one lying dead on a table was both sad and scary. It wasn’t like a funeral where you see who you expect to see. Not to mention, the whole atmosphere at a funeral was warmer and more soothing; at least that’s the goal of the funeral parlor and church. But there, it already seemed cold and depressing, and I hadn’t even stepped into the so-called morgue.
We checked in with the lady at the desk.
“Hi, my name is Catherine Schultz. I have a one o’clock appointment to—” I stuttered a little. “to identify a body.” Linda gently put her hand on my back.
“Have a seat, and someone will be right with you.”
The lady said this as if she was a little too comfortable with the situation. As Linda and I sat, the woman’s emotions made me think about how many lives were being lost every day because of war. I could never comprehend why the people of the world would want to fight and kill over any reason. Peace just seemed like such an easy thing to achieve. If everyone would just live and let live and mind their own business, peace could be present. That’s not to say that evil wouldn’t still lurk, but at least nations could fight their own battles and try to achieve the type of peace they envision. Maybe that isn’t the best Christian way of thinking. I knew the world was complex and there would never be a utopia on Earth, but the unrest that is ever present all over the world just seemed unnecessary. Other nations should not attack us because of what we do here in America. It’s not like we are over there corrupting them. They seem misled. And then, we go there trying to fix their problems and lose our loved ones because of it. I could never begin to understand the thoughts and justifications of other peoples. But I prayed every day that somehow Jesus could penetrate their hearts and bring a sense of peace to the world.
“Look, I’m shaking. I can’t help but to feel nervous. I’ve never seen a dead body before. This is so weird.”
“Just calm down, I’ll be there with you, and I have never seen one either. At least you know it isn’t Pete. You all saw him yesterday, right?”
A marine appeared and called me back. Linda and I rose and slowly followed the marine to a room that seemed to be a metal container. In the center of the room was a metal table with a body covered in a sheet. Along the walls of the room were identical tables. It felt very cold and eerie inside the room, and both Linda and I were uneasy. We walked up to the table, and the marine spoke.
“Okay, Catherine. I know this is very difficult. It’s never easy for anyone in any situation. We have cleaned up the body, and he should be recognizable. When we lift the sheet, take as long as you need to take a close look. We will then show you his dog tags for further confirmation.”
We nodded, and I couldn’t help but to let a tear drop. And then he lifted the sheet. I immediately became overcome with fea
r and shock. “No, no. It can’t, it can’t be.” I began to shake and let out screams. I tore my eyes from the table and then back again as if to reconfirm what I had seen because I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it. I clung to Linda, and then turned back to the table. I had to stop myself from lunging onto the table. It was Pete. I just wanted to hug him. But I couldn’t. It was him, but it wasn’t him. His life was not there, but he was. It was so confusing and overwhelming I just didn’t know what to do next. I screamed. I covered my eyes. I took deep breaths. But it wasn’t enough to help. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I looked one last time and then fainted. Linda, weeping dropped down to my side and clung to me. She turned to the marine.
“Yes, yes, that’s him,” she told him and then tried to wake me. The marine called for assistance.
I was taken to the hospital, and Linda was there as I lay unconscious. Thank God, my mother lived close by. She was with my children. They had no idea what was going on. They shouldn’t have even had to endure what had happened or what would happen next. The doctor came into the room and spoke to Linda after he had called my parents.
“Your friend’s tests came back normal. There was no trauma at all from the fall, no concussion. There is no reason for her to be unconscious. Sometimes a shock like what she has experienced puts a person into a sort of voluntary sleep. It’s sort of a defense mechanism to escape or deal with a traumatic situation. I believe that is what is happening here. She will probably wake soon and will need your support to help her deal with what happened. It may seem like a dream to her. Is there anyone I can call for you?”
“No, thank you, doctor. I’ll call the family. I’ll take care of everything,” she said weeping. And the doctor left the room.
The next morning, Linda was ready to go back to the hospital. She stayed the night at my house with the children and my parents. My mother and father had a hard time talking to Jacob and Ben about what happened. Jacob got angry and had not come out of his room since the night before, and Ben just couldn’t stop crying and calling for me. Mary was acting like her own sweet self, showing off her new talent for walking. Linda and my mother were holding it together the best they could. My mother loved Linda as well, and she was so thankful for her support.
“Thank you for spending the night, Linda. We are so lucky to have you, and Catherine is truly blessed to have you as a friend.”
“Marion, I will do whatever needs to be done. Are you sure you don’t mind watching Jesse while I run to the hospital? I won’t take long, and then you can go to see her.”
“It’s fine. I’m going to watch mass on TV and hopefully calm Ben down. I’m worried about Jacob though.”
“Me too. Hopefully Jesse can help. Sometimes friends can reach a person better than family. That’s what I’m hoping to go do right now. Catherine has to snap out of this.”
“Go on, we’ll manage,” Marion said as she embraced Linda, and they both allowed tears to fall.
Chapter 5
Harsh Reality
When Linda arrived at the hospital, she was half expecting me to be awake. I don’t think she quite knew the magnitude of my emotional breakdown. Over the years, I had completely convinced myself that I could not live without Pete. It wasn’t just a figure of speech to me. I truly believed that I could not exist in this world without him. I felt that everything I was and did was because of his love and support for me. Yes, I was an amazing mother. But I guess, in a way, I even attributed that to him. The stability he brought to our family allowed me to give all of my attention to taking care of the emotional and physical needs of my children. He handled all of the finances and problems that arose. And during the times he was away, Pete had his brother taking care of the business and other affairs so that no additional burden would be placed on me. So at the moment I realized that Pete was truly gone, I seized to exist and mentally broke down. Only Pete would be able to bring me back to life, and that didn’t seem to be possible.
Linda walked into my room, sat down beside me, and began speaking gently to me.
“Catherine, Catherine. How are you today? Come on girl, it’s time to wake up.”
Her tone quickly got sharper.
“Catherine, your kids need you. Wake up.”
Now weeping, “I don’t know what to do. Please, Catherine. The funeral? This is crazy, Catherine, snap out of it.”
Very frustrated at that point, Linda left the room.
Two weeks had passed since I slipped into my so-called coma. I can’t remember any thoughts going through my head during that time. No dreams, no emotions, no knowledge of the world around me. I don’t know anything about how the funeral went or how my parents and Linda dealt with the children. I suppose they didn’t tell me about it because they didn’t want to upset me after I came out of my state. They knew just how fragile I was. No, I don’t remember any of that time until the day I finally snapped out of it and was brought back to real life. And just as I had always known, only Pete was the one able to make that happen.
My family was gathered around me as I lay helpless in bed in the hospital’s psychiatric ward. No one was aware of what was going on with me at that moment and what I was seeing and hearing. I awoke mentally but not physically to the call of my name.
“Catherine. Come on angel. I told you I have already broken the rules and now, you are forcing me to do it again. You have to get up and live.”
“Pete, you’re here.”
I saw Pete sitting in the chair next to my bed. Of course, no one could see him but me. And the words that were coming from my lips were just mumbles to those around me. To my family, I was merely producing gibberish in my sleep, which was a good sign. Although still unconscious, in my own reality, I had become wide awake.
“Yes, angel. It’s me. What’s going on? I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.”
“They told me you were dead.”
“And what have you been doing since then? It’s like you are dead too.”
“That’s what I would want.”
“Oh really? So, I’m all you care about in the world? Life just isn’t worth living without me, right? What have I done to you?”
Pete, still dressed in his marine attire, spoke those words to me with both frustration and disappointment, and in a way I had never heard before. It was clear that he was both angry and worried. He had never spoken to me with such a harsh tone, but even through those emotions I could still sense the love and care that he had for me.
“You love me like no one ever could. We are soul mates. It isn’t me and you. It’s us. I’m nothing without you, Pete. When we took our vows, we became one. We are one. If you are dead, so am I.”
“Oh, Catherine, you are so much without me. We took those vows until death do us part. And death has parted us. I am dead, but you are alive. Did you forget that you are a mother? You left your own children. They lost me and you in a matter of days. They had to bury their father without the love and support of their mother. You left them all alone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Angel,” Pete said gently as he knelt next to me, “I am dead. You saw my body and fainted. You allowed yourself to stay asleep. Your parents had to tell the kids that I was gone. You weren’t there to comfort your children. They think they lost you too.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. My babies,” I cried as I began to understand the reality of it all. “But you came to the house.”
“Yes, breaking the rules. Good old Saint Peter sort of let me say goodbye to all of you.”
“All of us?”
“Yes, if you would just get yourself together, you can talk to your children about your last goodbyes. I love you all so much, I had to say goodbye to all of you.”
I began to cry with such sadness.
“You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you.”
“Yes you can. You have to. But don’t worry; I will be here for as long as you need me to be. I’m just a thought away, I promise you, angel.”
My words became clearer to the others in the room, and by that time the doctor had arrived. Crying almost to hysterics, and calling for Pete, I finally awoke.
“No, don’t leave Pete. Please. I need you. I love you. Oh God, my babies, my babies.”
Linda rushed to my side and we clung on to each other. Linda was sobbing with me but was trying to calm me down. She was happy, sad, relieved, and in a panic. So many emotions took over her but she managed to compose herself enough to calmly speak to me.
“Welcome back, honey. It’s okay, it’s okay, and I’m here for you. Your children are fine. Your mother took them out of the room when you started mumbling, but I’ll get them now. Calm down, and I’ll get your babies. They miss you so much so you have to try to calm down enough to talk to them.”
“What have I done, Linda? I’ve abandoned them when they needed me. Pete’s so disappointed, but he’ll make it better.”
With those words, I turned and saw that Pete was no longer there, and I noticed the glances between Linda and the doctor. I’m sure neither of them knew what to say to that. They figured it was best to leave that alone for now. So, Linda avoided my words and continued to comfort me.
“We will get through this together,” said Linda. “You are not alone. You will never be alone.”
Linda left the room and quickly returned with my mother and children. My boys rushed in the room. Ben jumped all over me, and Mary did her best to climb the bed as she yelled my name. Jacob stood by the bed unsure of what to do. I could see his sadness. I held on tight to Ben, lifted Mary to me, and then grabbed Jacob and held him close. I squeezed them all so hard, never wanting to let go. I had so much guilt, but I was so happy to be holding my children again. Unsuccessful at holding back my tears, I let them drench my three angels as I apologized over and over again. It’s impossible to count how many times I said and thought the words, “I love you.” At that instant, I knew things would be alright. I had my children, and I still had Pete. He said he’d stay around for as long as I needed him. So I knew I wouldn’t have to say good-bye, not yet. He always stuck to his word. I would see him again soon.
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