“Fine. But I’ll get you back, Catherine.”
When Matt returned with Ben, the rest of us, less Mary, made our way up the very high set of stairs. Linda was so nervous that Jacob, Jesse, and I couldn’t contain our laughter. Once there, Jacob slid first, then Jesse. Linda was next so I could make sure she didn’t chicken out. She sat and sat, but as she was ready to change her mind, I gave her a little push. She let out the loudest scream ever, and it lasted until she hit the pool water and went under. I followed after her and enjoyed the downfall, but I think I was more anxious to get down there and see her face. Just as I had suspected, she began cursing me out under her breathe, vowing to get me back.
Needless to say, we all had an amazing time. We stayed until the park closed and then grabbed some dinner on the way home. Matt dropped us off at the house, and we all said our good-byes. Mary was finally in bed sleeping, and Ben had just fallen asleep on the couch. Jacob was tired but looked more sad than exhausted.
“Mom?”
“Yeah sweetie?” I said as I sat next to Jacob on the couch.
“Do you still miss Daddy?”
“Every moment of every day.”
“I wish he was with us today. I had fun, but I feel bad for having fun without him. I feel like I shouldn’t be happy. You looked really happy too, and I feel like you are happy without him.”
“Oh, Jacob, don’t feel that way. You are supposed to be happy, and I know Daddy would want us all to be happy. I know how you feel though. I do feel guilty a lot when I have fun, but I know Daddy wouldn’t want us to be miserable. It’s all a part of healing. At first we are angry and sad all of the time. Eventually, we have better days when we can smile at different things. And then finally, we find that we are happy most of the time and don’t think about our loss much at all. It’s normal. I never want you to forget Daddy, and I know you never will. Mary will need us to help her remember. But we can’t feel guilty when we realize we didn’t think of him all day. I still cry sometimes and miss him terribly. I’d give anything to change what happened. But I can’t. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it’s good to be here. But I have a long way to go. I’m always here for you, Jacob, and you have to promise me that you will talk to me just like this when you have feelings you don’t understand. I know you aren’t very excited about school, but I know it will help you take your mind off of things as you focus on work. And that is a good thing, I promise. You can’t let this loss ruin your life. You have to choose to live. That’s what Daddy wants.”
“How do you know?”
“I just know.”
“But how?”
“Maybe it’s time for another talk tomorrow, sweetie. One that’s been a long time coming. But for now, get some sleep, okay?”
“Okay, good night, Mommy. I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetheart,” I replied as I held him tight. “Let me get your sleepyhead brother into bed, and then I’ll be in to say prayers with you.
All of us were sleeping when I felt a hand touch my hair. I opened my eyes and found Pete sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Hey angel.”
“Hi. What are you doing here?”
“Sorry to wake you. I just wanted to see you. I heard you talking with Jacob tonight. What are you planning on talking about tomorrow?”
“I think it’s time I told him that I saw you the morning after you died. He’s smart enough to realize you were already gone when you went to him that night. I don’t know what he’s going through, but I want to make sure that isn’t bothering him.”
“What about Ben?”
“I don’t think Ben realizes what happened. I think he believes you came home before you actually died. He doesn’t grasp time like we do.”
“I think you need to talk to Ben too.”
“He’s too young, Pete. I don’t want to dredge up any more sadness or give him any more false hopes. He already suggested that we pray to bring you back. How can I tell him that you sort of already came back?”
“He knows, Catherine. And every night he calls to me asking that I come back.”
“Oh my. Oh, my poor boy. Why didn’t he tell me?”
“He doesn’t think you’ll believe him. He needs this conversation, Catherine. I think it will comfort him and hopefully let him heal.”
“Okay, I will. But I’m not going to tell them that you still come to me. They’ll think you don’t love them.”
“I agree. Just talk about that night with them. It will help.”
Pete again said what he had to say and then left. I fell back to sleep right away.
The next morning, I woke knowing I had a huge talk ahead of me. It was Sunday, and I figured we had better go to church first. I would take them to get donuts, and we would talk over them at home. I couldn’t help but look at Ben and picture him calling his daddy to come back. I wondered how he felt each night that his daddy didn’t come. He must have been sad and disappointed. I hoped he didn’t feel that his daddy didn’t want to come back or that his daddy didn’t love him enough. He needed this talk badly.
“Boys, I need to talk to you about something very important, but you have to keep it a family secret, okay?”
“Okay,” Ben replied with excitement about the idea of a secret as he shoved a huge bite of a chocolate donut in his mouth.
“It’s about Daddy. I think we all had something happen to us that we haven’t told each other, and I think it’s time that we shared. We lost Daddy, but we all know he was able to say good-bye. And I don’t mean like the day he left the house to go back to Iraq. I mean after that.”
Jacob practically choked on his donut, and Ben’s eyes opened about five times wider and lit up like a Christmas tree.
“Do you mean when he came at night in secret?” asked Ben.
“Yes, I think that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Yeah, I keep asking him to come back, but he isn’t.”
“I kn…,” I stopped myself just in time before revealing that I already knew his nightly routine. I continued, “I had a feeling you would do that. Can you tell us about that night, Ben?”
“Yeah. Daddy came in my room and helped me build my model. It was fun. He told me just how to do it, and I did it myself. It was a little weird though because it was late, and I was sleepy.”
“You didn’t tell me about it the next day, Ben. Why?”
“I showed you the model. But the men came over, and you were mad that day. And then the next day you got sick, and Grandmom told me Daddy went to Heaven. I know how far away Daddy was so I thought maybe he was a ghost.”
“How about you, Jacob?”
“Yeah, I saw him. He made me take out the trash with him and kept talking weird. He was saying I was the man of the house and had to help and stuff like that. It was weird that he came so early in the morning. I just thought he was on some secret mission. Then when Grandmom told us what happened, I thought I was just crazy.”
I could see Jacob’s eyes clouding over with tears. But as he tried his best to hold them in, I also sensed a feeling of relief in him. He must have been struggling so much with those feelings, and he just didn’t know what to do. Imagine, a child thinking he’s crazy. How could he even begin to deal with those feelings. He was always able to come to me about anything, but I wasn’t there for him. And when I finally was, he probably thought his mother had turned into a nut case, so what was the point in telling me?
“You aren’t crazy, Jacob. I’m sorry we didn’t talk about this sooner. Daddy came to Mary and me after he saw you two.”
“Wow,” said Ben in amazement. Both of the boys’ eyes were glued to me as I spoke.
“Like you Jacob, I thought Daddy was given a special secret assignment. That’s how it sounded when he spoke to me. He told me he was breaking the rules to be he
re. I found him with Mary just before the two of you woke up, and he showed me how Mary was walking. Somehow he managed to get her out of her crib and held her hands as she walked. Now that I think about it, he stopped me before I could hug him, and I didn’t get a kiss.”
“Yuck,” said Ben innocently.
We all couldn’t help but smile at that comment, and in that moment realized something special had happened to all of us.
“You see, we all were given a gift in those moments. Daddy loved us all so much that he made sure he was able to say good-bye. And he kept his promises to you boys. He didn’t choose to leave us, so we can’t be mad at him. And daddies don’t do that when they die, so we can’t expect him to do that again. Right Ben?”
“I guess. Should I stop asking him to come back?”
“I think so, honey. We should all just let Daddy rest in Heaven. He’ll be there when we get there.”
Jacob sat listening but didn’t say much. I didn’t quite know what else to say. Ben seemed content with the conversation, and I think it brought him closure. I wasn’t sure about Jacob though. And for me, I wasn’t so sure I could follow my advice about leaving Pete to rest in Heaven. I had gotten used to his visits and was afraid to release him for fear I would need him again. And of course, I would need him again.
Chapter 9
Problem Child
The day after the talk was the first day of school. It was like every other first day of school in years past. The boys struggled to get out of bed. I rushed to make a good breakfast while yelling for them to get up and get dressed. I wasn’t a morning person, so I wasn’t up as early as planned. And of course, Mary decided to wake up in the middle of pancakes on the griddle and with a very dirty diaper. Against my better judgment, I let her talk in the crib until I got the pancakes plated. I didn’t want the boys’ breakfast burned. I rounded up the boys to eat, and then tended to Mary. She wanted pancakes too, but there wasn’t time. I gave her some dry cereal to hold her over until we got back from dropping the boys off at school. It was evident that the school year had begun. We were back to our chaotic mornings. Lunches were packed, the boys finished eating, they brushed their teeth, combed their hair, hurried to put on their shoes, and we all rushed to the car.
Not surprisingly, Jacob was less than enthusiastic to start the year, but Ben had a smile on his face as he was officially in the number grades. We arrived at Ben’s school first since it started an hour earlier than Jacob’s. The four of us walked into his school and found his classroom. I knew his teacher well since I volunteered often, went to all of the functions, and was a member of the PTO. Mrs. Oksen kindly greeted Ben and welcomed me into the classroom to help Ben find his seat and get settled. He was amazed to see that he had his own desk and did not have to sit at a table with others. He felt like a big boy and was alright with kissing me good-bye right away. He also kissed Mary and hugged his brother, wishing him luck at the big school. We left Ben and loaded into the car for the second drop off.
I pulled into the middle school and glanced at Jacob. He was still in a mood. I had hoped our talk would help, but he didn’t seem any different.
“How about I park and walk you in? I would love to meet your teacher this morning.”
“No, that’s okay Mom. No other parents will do that, and you’ll embarrass me. Besides, I was here last year. I know where I’m going.”
“Okay, but we still have some time, so I’ll park and we’ll chat a while.”
“You can just let me out, Mom, we’re not that early.”
“Okay, if you insist. Are you okay? You seem a little down.”
“I’m fine. I just don’t want to go to school.”
“I know, but it will be great.”
“No it won’t. It’s not the same.”
“What do you mean?”
“Now I don’t have a dad.”
Jacob got out of the car abruptly and slammed the door. I jumped out after him and grabbed him.
“Jacob, honey, don’t leave like this. I know how you’re feeling, but everything will be fine.”
“No it won’t. Now I’m one of those kids with only one parent.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that Jacob. Besides, you are different from so many others. Most of them are with one parent because they have one that doesn’t care enough to be with them or because of divorce. You come from a loving family with two parents who loved each other enough to stay together. Your father died, Jacob. He didn’t choose to leave you.”
“Just go, Mom. I’ll be fine.”
“I can’t leave you when you feel like this Jacob. Come back in the car and sit a while.”
“No, I’ll be fine. I just won’t talk about it. I’ll see you later.”
“Okay,” I said as I hugged him tightly. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
I watched him walk across the parking lot with his head held down, a sight I had never seen before. He seemed beaten down. He seemed to have lost his sassiness and confidence to conquer the world. His perfect family that he fit so well into was missing a huge piece. His picture perfect world would never look the same. When he disappeared through the school gates and was out of sight, I got back into the car. It took all of my strength not to run after him and take him home. He was right. Our family was like the imperfect ones. We were no longer special. Those feelings of anger and resentment were welling up inside of me again. This tragedy was taking my son down too. What would I do?
Back home with Mary, I fed her pancakes and tried to act jolly in response to her giggles and coos. But all the while, I was thinking about what to do with Jacob. I didn’t know what else to do to heal him. Pete would know. I couldn’t wait to see him so he could tell me what to do.
“Pete, Pete, I need you. Please, come to me.”
I was in my bedroom calling for Pete and so frustrated that he wasn’t already there. He always seemed to be there when I needed him without me having to call him.
“Pete.”
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“Oh, Pete, I don’t know what to do. Jacob is hurting so badly. He is changing. He’s devastated by all of this, and I don’t know what to do.”
“You are already doing what you should be doing.”
“Oh really, that’s your answer. This is the help God’s sending me? ‘You are already doing what you should be doing?’ Are you kidding me? Jacob is damaged. What the hell is God letting happen to our son?”
I was screaming with anger and then quickly tried to contain myself so I wouldn’t wake Mary from her nap. I began pacing the floor in desperation. I was lost, and Pete wasn’t giving me much direction.
“Catherine, calm down. This is a normal reaction.”
“It’s not normal,” I cried without restraint. “What is normal about a twelve-year-old-boy losing his father? What is normal about him feeling like a loser because of it? What is normal about a once stubborn and outspoken young boy turning into a quiet, sulking kid? Normal was Jacob mouthing off because he was asserting independence while going through puberty. Remember? This is not his normal.”
“Catherine, this too shall pass. And down the road you will see that it is a normal part of his grieving. He will not be damaged. I promise you that. You are doing the right thing. You are there for him, and you are helping him through this. Be thankful that he is sharing his feelings with you. That is the most important part of coping. Be thankful he isn’t distancing himself from you and holding his feelings in. That is when true damage is done. He is sharing, and he had a mother ready to help. All of this is still fresh. It’s only been a few months. He got through summer great. You saw some happiness. Now he has to get through school. It’s another part of his life that he has to get used to doing without me. He hasn’t been to school since I’ve gone, and that’s why he’s like th
is. It will be a new experience. But he will come through as he did this summer. Progress is being made. Just keep being there for him. Everything will be fine.”
“Really? This is not—,” I said as I turned to see he had already gone. Pete gave his advice and was gone. I supposed that was a good thing. I didn’t have the chance to fire back at him and keep the argument going. Instead, I was left alone to reflect on his words. He was right. This too would pass. But it was just so hard and painful. I couldn’t wait to be over these feelings. I couldn’t bear to see my child hurting so much. I just wanted my old Jacob back. I wanted to hear the back talk. I wanted him to tell me no once in a while. I could learn to deal with that. But that sad boy just wasn’t Jacob. I had to keep trying to make things better for my son.
I tried to talk to Jacob about his outburst after school that day, but he insisted he was alright. I didn’t want to push the issue but reassured him he could talk to me when he was ready. The next school day, I felt a little unsettled because of the first day’s incident. I dropped him off at school and hoped for the best. Jesse turned out to be in his homeroom and a few classes so that made me feel a little better. But it wasn’t long after lunch that I received a phone call from the school’s assistant principal.
“Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Schultz. Jacob did what? Okay, I’ll be right there.”
“Please come in, Mrs. Schultz. Have a seat.”
I sat down in the chair across from Mrs. Kan and next to Jacob. I glanced over at Jacob, whose head was hanging low, and then I reached over, grabbed his hand and kissed it.
“Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Schultz. As you know, Jacob got into a fist fight today with another student. I’ll let him tell you the details.”
“Mom, the kid just came up to me at lunch for no reason and asked how my dad died. I didn’t even know him. I told him to shut up, and he asked what my problem was. I told him to shut up again and told him it wasn’t his business, but he didn’t walk away. Then he called me a nut, so I got up and pushed him. He pushed me back, so I punched him.” with that Jacob started to cry.
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