“I'm good,” I replied. “And how are you doing today?”
“Still walkin' the straight and narrow.”
“Very glad to hear that.”
“You and me both.”
I gave him a smile. Still walking the straight and narrow was his response every time I asked him how he was doing. When I'd asked him about it a while back, he told me it was a reminder to himself. He said that every day above ground was a good day, but each day was filled with choices and decisions. He'd said that for too many years, he'd made the wrong choices and it had almost cost him everything – including his freedom and his life.
So, given the second chance, he said he needed the reminders that all of his choices were on him. He could walk the straight and narrow and live a good life. Or he could choose not to – and suffer the consequences. So, in a way, that phrase had become something of a touchstone for him. Something I could understand and respect him for.
Most of us took things like our freedom or living for granted. But Miggy had seen the other side of both of those things – had nearly lost them – and knew just how precious they were. And how easily they could be taken away.
“Got a boyfriend yet?” Miggy asked, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
“No, of course not,” I said. “I haven't found anybody who lives up to the standard you set, Miggy.”
He smiled and shook his head, but I could see the color rising in his cheeks. It was adorable.
“You need to set your sights a little higher, Vanessa.”
“Oh, don't sell yourself short, Miggy,” I said. “You're a catch. We just need to find you a woman worthy of you.”
He smiled softly. “Yeah well, if you find her, let me know.”
I reached across the counter and gave Miggy's hand a squeeze. He was a good man. Had come so far in turning his life around. I wanted more than anything, for him to find a woman who would love and appreciate him the way he deserved. After all he'd overcome, he deserved love and he deserved happiness.
“I've always got my eyes peeled for you, Miggy.”
A few people drifted into the donut shop, a couple of them looking like they were in a hurry. He gave me a gentle smile and squeezed my hand in return. I was going to find Miggy a woman. It was my mission in life.
“And I appreciate it,” he replied. “So, what's it going to be today?”
“Two dozen, I think.”
“Wow,” he said. “You're going to have to run a few extra miles to burn all those off. Unless you're trying to let your ass get big on purpose.”
I laughed. “Shut up. It's for the staff.”
“Uh huh,” he said and tipped me a wink. “Most of 'em, anyway.”
I shrugged. “What can I say? I love your donuts,” I said. “Most of them will get where they're supposed to go.”
“Good girl.”
He boxed up two dozen assorted for me and slid them across the counter. And as usual, he tried to refuse my money. And as usual, I left a twenty in his tip jar. It was just one of our normal routines. He gave me a smile, a shake of the head, and turned to tend to his other customers.
“I'll see you later, Miggy.”
“Until next time, m'dear.”
I picked up the two boxes and headed out.
Chapter Four
“Good morning, Donna,” I chirped brightly as I entered the staff room behind the reception counter.
“Oh yeah, I always forget,” she grumped at me over her cup of coffee, “you're one of those people.”
Donna was a forty-something woman who was pretty, but a bit matronly in her way. She could be a bit gruff at times and was always very no-nonsense and plain spoken, but at heart, she really was one of the sweetest women I knew. She was the type who always had a shoulder to cry on and would give you the shirt off her back – something I'd seen her literally do a time or two.
“Yes, I am one of those people,” I said. “That little ray of sunshine in everybody's life.”
“Otherwise known as that excessively chippy morning person everybody wants to smack around a little bit.”
I laughed and set the boxes down on the table in front of her and Donna's face immediately brightened.
“On the other hand,” she said, opening one of the boxes, “maybe you're not so bad after all.”
She grabbed one of the big, fluffy chocolate cake donuts that was topped with chocolate and rainbow sprinkles. One of my favorites. It was a basic donut, of course, but it was amazing. Miggy added something secret to it to punch it up and elevate it – but he'd never tell me what it was. Said it was a secret he “might” pass along when he was on his deathbed.
Donna bit into it and her eyes rolled back into her head as she let out a moan that my grandmother would have said sounded like a two-dollar whore.
“I think I need to marry a man that can cook like this,” she said. “I think I could love a man who could feed me well. You can't make stuff like this if you don't have the heart and soul of a poet. This was made with love, you can tell.”
I cocked my head and looked at her. In all the time I'd known her, the thought that was currently running through my head had never occurred to me. I loved Donna to pieces, but we never socialized outside of work all that often. We were in different spots in life and had different interests. But Donna was an amazing woman all the same.
“Hey, aren't you still dating that guy – Scott – I think his name was?” I asked.
She let out a short snort of laughter. “Oh honey, I dumped his sorry ass weeks ago,” she said. “Found out he was still bangin' his ex-wife.”
I stared at her open mouthed for a minute. I couldn't fathom a person cheating on somebody as warm, honest, and giving as Donna. On the other hand though, hearing that she was single made me smile inside a bit. I started to feel the pieces of the puzzle falling into place.
“Oh, I'm so sorry, Donna,” I said.
She shrugged. “I'm not. It's probably for the best, actually,” she said. “It's not like we had a lot in common, he wasn't all that bright, so our conversations were never all that deep or stimulating. And oh yeah, he was pretty lousy in the sack.”
I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that escaped me, but Donna was smiling, so I assumed it was okay. That she'd meant it to be funny. But as I looked at her and thought more about it, the more sense it made to me.
“Hey, Donna,” I said, “So, since you're single and all –”
“No, I'm not babysitting your kids while you go out and date,” she cut me off, smiling. “If I'm not gettin' any, you're not gettin' any.”
I didn't have any kids and she knew that. Which told me she probably knew I was trying to play matchmaker and was trying to head me off at the pass. Donna was a very smart woman and it wasn't easy to slip something by her. But, I wasn't going to let her get away with it.
“Actually,” I said, “I know the perfect man for you.”
“Honey, there is no perfect man for me out there,” she said wistfully. “At my age, I'm quite certain such a creature does not exist.”
“You might be surprised.”
She took another bite of her donut and made that sound of pleasure again. “Unless,” she said around a mouthful of the chocolate cake, “you're looking to hook me up with the man who made these.”
I grinned at her and she looked at me, her face growing serious as she looked at me. All Donna knew was that I brought in donuts – she didn't know that the man who made them was like a surrogate father to me. She swallowed and washed it down with a drink of her coffee.
“You're kidding me, right?” she asked, her voice cracking just a bit.
I shook my head. “Nope,” I replied. “And I actually think that you and Miggy would be amazing together.”
“Oh, I don't know, Nessa,” she said. “I don't think –”
“That's the problem,” I said. “Don't think. Just do. Miggy is an amazing man. You're an amazing woman. Together, the two of you will be –”
&nb
sp; “Amazing?” she asked, a smirk touching the corners of her mouth.
“Well – yeah.”
“You're always an optimist, honey,” she said. “Always seeing things on that bright, shiny side of life. I love that about you, you know.”
“Good, then say you'll go out with him.”
“I don't know –”
“Donna,” I said, arching an eyebrow, “if the man's donuts can make you sound like that, just imagine what the man himself can do in –”
She held up a hand, cackling with laughter. “Stop,” she said. “Stop right there.”
“I'm going to give him your number,” I pressed.
She looked at me, an amused smile still upon her lips. “He's a good man?”
“The best.”
She looked at me a long moment and then nodded. “If he comes with your stamp of approval, he must be something pretty special.”
My smile was wide. “He really is,” I said. “You're going to love him.”
She picked another donut out of the box and looked at it for a long moment. “If he can bake like this, I just might.”
I snatched a donut out of the box and took a bite of it, savoring every morsel. I might have made a love connection between two great people – that made me happier than I could say. Which was funny since my own love life was in shambles – I was great at other people's relationships, absolutely terrible when it came to my own.
“Don't you have rounds?” Donna asked.
I looked at my watch. “Oh crap, yeah,” I said. “Gotta go. I'll give Miggy your number.”
She waved me off, but wasn't able to hide the smile on her face. I could tell she was excited. I snacked on my donut, finishing it off as I bounced down the hallway, heading to see my first patient of the day.
Being a pediatric nurse was challenging. It could be heartbreaking. But, it was also amazing and rewarding. Although I spent most my days in the general pediatrics ward, I did plenty of rotations in the pediatric oncology ward – and that was the most heartbreaking and devastating thing of all.
But, I never shied away from it. I knew that many of the kids I dealt with in the ward were living out their last days. That they'd never leave the ward. But that didn't mean they didn't deserve to have a friend, have somebody who was there to comfort them, to bring them hope. It didn't mean they didn't deserve to have somebody help allay their fears.
Although many of the kids I dealt with were able to go home and live out a long, healthy life, there were many who weren't. Many who would never live to see their teenage years. It broke my heart, but it also made me determined to be the best friend and caregiver to them that I could be.
“Well, good morning, Anna,” I said brightly as I stepped into the room.
The girl's face immediately lit up. “Vanessa!” she squealed. “I was hoping you'd come by!”
“Well of course I was going to come by,” I replied. “Where else would I find my most favorite person on the planet?”
She leaned back against her pillows and smiled, but I could see the girl was in some discomfort. Anna was a nine-year-old girl who was beautiful, vibrant, and fierce. She was fearless in the face of her cancer and was determined to beat it. The girl was courageous and I absolutely loved her for it.
Taking her chart off the end of the bed, I took a look at it to see where we were with her treatments. It had been a couple of days since I'd been able to make it through the ward, so I wasn't quite up to date with Anna’s progress. It looked like she'd had a round of chemo the day before – which could explain her discomfort. It could be just the typical aches and pains of her treatments.
“How bad is it today, sweetie?” I asked, hanging her chart back up.
She shrugged. “Not as bad as it is some days.”
I arched my eyebrow at her. “You don't need to play the tough girl with me, kiddo,” I said. “So, c'mon. How bad? Scale of one to ten it for me.”
“Seven?”
“That sounds pretty bad,” I said and took a seat on the edge of her bed. “I'm going to make sure Nurse Parker gives you some pain meds, okay?”
“Thank you, Vanessa.”
I ran my hand over her smooth scalp and looked into her bright blue eyes. “You don't need to be so brave,” I said. “It's okay to admit that you hurt and need something to take the edge off. Sitting here suffering in silence isn't doing anybody any good – especially you. Promise me you'll ask for pain meds if it gets bad and I'm not around.”
She looked up at me and smile. “Promise.”
“Pinky swear?” I asked and held up my pinky.
She giggled, but wrapper her own pinky around mine. “Pinky swear.”
“Okay good,” I said. “Oh, I brought you a little something special.”
Her eyes widened and a grin formed on her lips. “For me?”
I nodded as I took the donut I'd wrapped in a napkin out of the front pocket of my scrubs. Technically, I knew I shouldn't be giving her sugary treats like that. But, I wasn't one to always follow the rules. These kids endured so much misery, that I liked to bring a smile to their faces now and then. And as Anna tore into the donut, the smile on her face wide and warm, I couldn't see how that could ever be a bad thing.
“So, how are you sleeping, sweetie?”
She shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
“The pain keeping you up?”
She shook her head and when she looked at me, her eyes were wide with fear. “No, it's – never mind,” she said. “It's nothing.”
I gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “That sure didn't seem like nothing,” I said. “What's going on?”
She nibbled at a piece of her donut, and I could see that she was weighing the decision to tell me or not in her mind.
“It's silly,” she finally said.
“What's silly?”
She sighed and looked around the room, putting her donut back down in her lap. And when she looked at me, it was with genuine fear in her eyes.
“There's something under my bed at night,” she whispered. “I can hear it under there.”
“Really?” I asked. “What does it sound like?”
She shook her head. “It kind of sounds like fingernails being dragged across the tile down there.”
“Wow,” I said. “That sounds really scary.”
She nodded. “It is,” she said. “Tommy said there are monsters that live in hospitals. He said they come out at night and crawl under the beds, just waiting for a chance to grab somebody and eat them.”
“That's horrifying, Anna,” I said. “I can see why that might keep you up at night.”
Her eyes were as wide as saucers and she nodded, clearly believing every word she was saying. Tommy had been a horrible boy who shared a room with her for a few days. His cancer had been treatable and he'd gotten to go home. Thankfully. While he'd been there, he seemed to delight in tormenting Anna. This fear of monsters under her bed was just his legacy.
As if this poor girl didn't have enough to deal with in her life already. Now, thanks to that little jerk, she was fearful of monsters underneath her bed.
“Well, I'll tell you a little secret,” I said. “Tommy was wrong and was just trying to scare you.”
She looked at me. “Really?”
I nodded. “Yes, there are no such things as monsters, sweetie.”
Her eyes were wide and she looked unconvinced. “But what about the noises I hear under the bed.”
It was hard to explain that what she was hearing was very likely the air conditioning vent – the one on the wall right behind her bed – kicking on in the middle of the night. One thing I'd learned was that when a kid had their mind made up about something, no amount of logic could sway them from that belief. I felt like it was my job to find creative ways to not discount their fears and beliefs out of hand – but to work with them in a way that it helped put them at ease.
“Well,” I said quietly, “I'm going to tell you a little secret. But you have to promise not to
tell anybody else. Can you do that?”
She nodded and I could see the hope in her eyes. Hope that I'd banish her fears. Vanquish the monsters and bring her some peace of mind.
“Okay then,” I said. “The things you hear under your bed aren't monsters, sweetie. They're guardian angels.”
“They are?”
I nodded. “Yes,” I said. “They work with us at the hospital, watching over all of you. They're here to keep you safe and take away your fears.”
She didn't say anything for a long moment, but the color returned to her face and I could see the distinct look of relief coming into her face.
“Tommy was just telling you a story,” I said. “Probably because he was afraid himself. But there are no monsters here, Anna. I promise you. Only guardian angels looking out for you.”
She smiled and squeezed my hand. “Promise?”
“Cross my heart,” I said.
She leaned her head against me and I placed a soft kiss on top of her head. I had of course, lied. There were monsters in that hospital – like the one Anna was currently fighting within her own body. But I couldn't tell her that. I was there to help bring her peace and comfort.
“Thank you, Vanessa,” she whispered. “I feel better now.”
“Good,” I replied. “I have to get to my rounds, but you should get some sleep, okay?”
She nodded and laid back down, pulling the covers up to her chest. I stood up and wadded up the napkin her donut had been on – disposing of the evidence.
“Get some rest,” I said. “And I'll be back to check on you later.”
She nodded. “I will.”
I gave her a smile and walked out of her room. I'd told her there were no monsters. That they didn't exist, fully knowing that I was lying. And fully believing that the only monsters in this world had names like cancer.
I was unaware at the time, that I was going to be in for a very rude awakening. One that would challenge everything I thought I knew.
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