by Jane Lythell
‘I hoped she was pulling away. Nothing we can do about it I guess.’
‘Don’t worry, as soon as Paige gets herself a boyfriend she’ll drop Flo,’ Janis said.
We said goodbye and I went inside. I took my laptop into my bedroom and turned it on. Saul Relph had just sent his response. My fingers were trembling as I clicked his message open.
Dear Liz,
I read your email with concern and I have been considering the best course of action.
The incident you refer to took place seven years ago, before my tenure as MD, as you know. You have waited a very long time to report this. You say the event took place at the Christmas party and I am assuming that alcohol had been consumed.
You appear to have a professional working relationship with Julius. Are you sure you want to proceed with a formal complaint? Please think about this carefully and let me know if you wish me to take this matter further.
Yours as ever
Saul Relph OBE
I was devastated by his response. It was so cold, so dismissive. Yes, it had happened seven years ago but it was a near-rape experience and he should be alarmed that his director of programmes, his precious lieutenant, was capable of doing that. And what the hell did he mean by that reference to alcohol being consumed? Does he think I led Julius on by drinking? It was not my fault Julius wouldn’t take no for an answer. Now he knows my shaming secret and he doesn’t want to take any action. He has left the decision to me. I had an insight into why so many rape victims stay silent. I used to think it was men who created the moral order. I don’t think that any more. I think most men are content with the status quo, like a quiet life and don’t want to shake things up. I read it again. His ‘are you sure’ and his ‘think about this carefully’ make it clear that he wants me to drop it.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I needed to talk to Fenton but she would be just back from her long weekend with Bill and would be keen to tell me all about it and I didn’t want to rain on her parade. Every time we had talked recently it had been her role to comfort me and that wasn’t fair. I made myself sort the laundry instead. Flo has this habit of flinging her clean clothes along with her dirty clothes into the wash basket. She does this when there are piles of clothes on her floor, things she has tried on and discarded, and it’s her way of clearing up her bedroom. There were three clean T-shirts in the basket and it always riles me. I separated the clean from the dirty and sniffed the dirty tops. There was the smell of cigarette smoke but also a sweet, herby, aromatic smell that I recognised from my student days. Flo, no doubt egged on by Paige, had been smoking weed. I sat back on my heels. I couldn’t face a confrontation with her tonight. Saul Relph’s response had made me feel humiliated. Either I carry on and insist he follows it up and all that that entails or I let it go. If I let it go it makes me feel rotten, like the classroom sneak.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
StoryWorld TV station, London Bridge
There was a poisonous atmosphere between Bob and me at the morning meeting. Anyone with an atom of awareness would have noticed how we were being icily polite to each other as we discussed the crew allocation for the rest of the month. He and I had been tentative allies up till now and having him against me was going to make life more difficult. Fizzy, my occasional ally, was seated opposite me but she did not look in my direction once. She must have shared our conversation with Bob, otherwise how could he have known I’d spoken to her about the ‘joys of motherhood’, as he put it? And I couldn’t bring myself to look at Julius. If the MD had shared my email with him I would have known, wouldn’t I? I couldn’t be sure. I had little idea of what the men at the top shared. For all I knew they were sniggering over it in their executive toilet. My sense of isolation and dread was growing. The others left the room as Julius asked me to stay behind and my stomach plummeted three floors.
‘Where are you with Ledley’s advertisers?’
His voice was calmer than on Monday but it was icy.
‘I’ve got a meeting with their PR team on Friday. I’ve suggested they use our atrium for the launch and they’re coming here to recce it. I will then get the sales team to follow up.’
He nodded curtly and said nothing further and I left the meeting room. My palms were sweating. I wanted to talk to Fizzy so I dumped my papers with Ziggy and went down to her dressing room. Ellen was in there doing a clear-out of her wardrobe and told me Fizzy had gone out with Martine.
‘Did they say where they were going?’
Ellen shook her head.
‘I got the impression Martine wanted to share some gossip with Fizzy. You know how close those two are.’
I sat and watched as Ellen went through the hangers. Fizzy’s outfits were jostling for space on the long chrome rail that extended the length of one wall.
‘She’s asked me to weed out her older outfits,’ Ellen said. She held out a floaty chiffon dress on a padded silk hanger. ‘Isn’t this gorgeous?’
It was a full-length evening dress of dusty pink chiffon with brown swirls on it and far too frilly for my taste.
‘I remember that dress. She wore it to the RTS awards,’ I said.
Ellen was looking at it with hungry eyes, even though it was at least two sizes too small for her. A dress like that would cost more than her month’s salary. I remembered she had a daughter, Tara, in her mid-twenties.
‘Take it for Tara,’ I said.
‘Haven’t you heard? Julius says we have to sell off wardrobe items now. No more giving to family members.’
‘Things must be bad if it’s come to that.’
I climbed the stairs and Molly, Simon and Ziggy were at their desks. Harriet was away from the office for two days because I had sent her on a training course on the laws relating to broadcasting. It’s information which every researcher needs to do their job. I put her up for the course because recently she has earned the right to go on it. When I told her she said that it was her birthday the next day and she was pleased to be doing something interesting on her birthday. She will be twenty-seven and I’ve worked out that makes her a Scorpio.
I did the same legal course myself years ago and it made a big impression on me. They highlighted our key role in guaranteeing the health and safety of participants. We discussed a notorious case where a member of the public had died during the making of an entertainment stunt show. A man had actually died on camera when the stunt went wrong. I had left that course feeling chastened and filled with a powerful sense of responsibility about what we were doing. Blood chits indeed.
Later, Simon popped his head round the door.
‘Shall we do lunch together? It’s been a while,’ he said.
Simon is such an intuitive man and he had probably picked up on my unease of the last few days.
‘I’d like that. Give me fifteen minutes.’
I was leaving my office when my phone rang. It was Fizzy and she sounded downright panicky and breathless. She asked me to come to her dressing room straight away.
‘I’m sorry, Simon, but I’m going to have to pass on our lunch; maybe later this week?’
Fizzy almost pulled me into her dressing room, closed the door behind us and stood with her back against the door.
‘Martine just told me that Julius did a screen test with Harriet!’
‘What?’
‘A screen test! I knew she was angling for one. Did you know anything about this?’
‘No. No, I didn’t. Are you sure about this, Fizz?’
My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour.
‘Of course I am. Martine just told me. He came in on a Sunday and used the small studio to do it.’
Alongside our main studio we have a small studio with a single robotic camera which we use for news interviews when we need to do a quick turnaround. It can be operated by a sole technician so it was possible.
‘Martine is one hundred per cent sure about this?’ I asked.
‘Why are you doubting Martine all of a sud
den? She knows what he gets up to.’
But if he had recorded a screen test on the Sunday he could have been showing it to her that Wednesday evening in the edit suite, like he said. He could have rubbished it and that was why she was sobbing in the Ladies. I was winded by Fizzy’s words as she paced up and down in front of me. I sank down on one of her chairs. Harriet had never mentioned a screen test. He must have been telling the truth after all. And I had sent that email to Saul Relph for nothing. Fizzy stopped her pacing and burst into tears.
‘He’s so disloyal. I know he’ll shunt me off if I go through with the baby. He’s already thinking about my replacement.’
Her sobs got more insistent.
‘I’ll have to have the termination now, won’t I? I can’t leave it any longer.’
I hugged her and she wept on my shoulder. I had never seen her cry in all the years I had known her. I could feel my fury against Harriet building. She had been lying to me all this time. If she’d made the allegation to get back at Julius over a negative screen test then she really must be deranged. I had to park my fury and think how to comfort Fizzy but I was hollowed out and didn’t know what to say. Fizzy pulled away from me at last.
‘What should I do?’ she wailed.
‘He told me there was a screen test and he told me it was crap.’
She was wiping her tears away with the back of her hands and looked terribly anxious.
‘He said it was crap?’
‘Yes. He said it was awful, only I didn’t believe him.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I didn’t believe him about any screen test! Harriet hadn’t said a word about it.’
I was feeling more appalled by the second. She had duped and manipulated me completely.
‘I told you she’s an operator. And he definitely didn’t like it?’
‘He said it was crap and he’s junked it. There is no way Harriet is going to replace you.’
She did not look reassured at all.
‘She may not have worked out but he’ll find someone else.’
‘Do you think you’re so expendable, Fizz?’
More tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded. She moved her hand down and stroked her stomach and for the first time I thought I could detect a slight swelling.
‘Our viewers love you. They have a relationship with you. That can’t be wiped away by a new person.’
‘But if I’m not on screen? They’ll forget all about me.’
‘You’ll come into the station with the baby. And I’ll make sure we keep programming in stories about how you’re getting on at home. Maybe we can run with a photo of the week.’
‘I don’t want to be typecast as a mother and baby presenter!’
‘OK, OK, but there are other things we can do. They’ll be dying for you to come back.’
She wiped her tears with a tissue and looked at herself in the mirror.
‘I guess I could be off screen for a short time,’ she said.
I thought this was a bad idea but I wasn’t going to challenge her when she was feeling so fragile.
‘But he’s such a shit and I don’t trust him.’
I assumed she was talking about Julius, not about Bob. She sat down in front of her mirror and started to apply cleansing lotion to the streaks of black on her face.
‘I looked at my contract,’ she said.
‘And?’
‘I’m seeing my lawyer this afternoon. I want to make sure it’s watertight.’
‘You need to keep calm,’ I said; for the baby, I thought.
I walked upstairs on autopilot and headed straight for Julius’s office. I had to speak to him, had to apologise that I hadn’t believed him about the screen test. Harriet had lied and lied to me. I reached his room and the door was locked. Martine was approaching from the Ladies.
‘Where is he?’
‘Are you OK? You look pale,’ she said.
‘I need to talk to him, urgently.’
‘He and the MD have gone to meet with their man at Ofcom.’
Ofcom is the regulator for TV and I cringed at the thought that Julius would be spending the whole afternoon with Saul Relph.
‘What’s that about?’
‘It’s their usual quarterly meeting,’ she said.
‘Is he coming back?’
‘Not this afternoon.’
Chalk Farm, 7 p.m.
As I walked home from the Tube I had the dizzy feeling in my head which I get when I am deeply anxious. All afternoon I had been replaying everything Harriet had said and done since the alleged assault and also how Julius had behaved. The evidence looked different now I knew that there actually had been a screen test. He had seemed relatively unchanged. He had looked drawn and weary on a couple of days but his brother was in hospital which could explain that, whereas she had been cagey when I finally got through to her after the allegation. She had refused point-blank to go to the police. And she had never once mentioned the existence of a screen test. My years of experience and judgement counted for nothing. I had made a terrible mistake and had exposed myself to the MD. I stopped at the top of our road and held onto the church railings, taking deep breaths and holding the air in my lungs for a count of seven beats before exhaling fully as I’d been shown to do. There was a builder standing in the grounds of the church and he was watching me.
‘You OK, love?’ he called out.
‘I feel dizzy.’
He walked up to the railing.
‘Do you need to sit down?’
He pointed to a paint-spattered chair by the door of the church.
‘I can’t. I need to get home.’
‘You look done in.’
He opened the church gate and helped me to the chair. I sat there for ten minutes and he left me alone. He went back inside the church while I sat on that chair and tried to get my breathing under control. There was masses of very old and dusty ivy clambering over the walls with tentacles embedded deep in the mortar between the bricks. On the lintel carved in huge letters was the message THE NIGHT COMETH WHEN NO MAN CAN WORK.
As soon as I got home I turned on my laptop and read through the notes I had made the morning after Harriet’s allegation, the notes the lawyer had recommended I keep. They were so thin. Harriet had been crying a lot and her face was a mess but I hadn’t noted anything about her clothes and I couldn’t remember them looking dishevelled. She had said the assault took place in an edit suite. So Julius could have showed her the screen test in an edit suite and told her it was no good. So far, so plausible. Julius can be cruel and dismissive when he gives feedback. I could think of numerous times he had criticised my stories and he had never sugared the pill. I could imagine Harriet being outraged and possibly even incredulous at his rejection. After all, she had sailed through life with few enough obstacles up till now. Her sense of entitlement when she arrived at the station had been huge. I recalled her earlier lie about going to visit her sick granny so she could swan off to a premiere. I should have remembered that when I swallowed her story hook, line and sinker. I shut down my laptop. It is twisted to lie about something so serious that it could end a man’s career.
At nine the phone rang and it was Grace.
‘I’m sorry, Liz, but we think it’s best if Flo doesn’t come down for a few weeks. Ben’s in no shape to see her at the moment.’
‘But it’s important he’s in her life.’
‘Let’s leave it for a few weeks. He’s trying to sort himself out. He’s started going to these Gamblers Anonymous meetings.’
‘That’s good, I guess.’
‘We think so. He’s going twice a week, sitting in some draughty community hall with a bunch of strangers. We think he’s being very brave,’ Grace said.
‘Don’t you think seeing Flo might strengthen his resolve?’
‘Not at the moment. He’s reached rock bottom and needs to focus on himself. We all need to give him time to do that.’
‘Is the new girlfriend st
ill on the scene?’
I shouldn’t have asked but I was curious.
‘Oh no, she’s disappeared,’ Grace said.
This call added to my feelings of lowness and isolation. It was rare for me to feel at odds with Grace but surely when you are a parent you lose the right to focus exclusively on yourself. What could I say to Flo about her not being able to see her dad?
As I lay in bed I was still wrestling with what Harriet had done. I thought she had turned a corner. She had started being kind to Ziggy and was more of a team player. Yet all along she was manipulating everyone. How could I have been so blind?
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Chalk Farm flat, morning
I was awake before six. I can’t go into work today. I’m in pieces. I called Simon early and asked him to deputise for me, told him I was sick and throwing up. I read through my notes on Harriet’s allegation again and I cannot understand how I ever believed her. I do feel like throwing up.
Later Flo came out of her room and was surprised to see me sitting at the kitchen table in my pyjamas.
‘Are you all right, Mum?’
‘Not really. I’m staying home today.’
This was a rare event and she looked worried. I stood up and put the kettle on and stared at it, waiting for it to boil. I do not want Harriet in my team. I will get rid of her the moment her three month trial is over. I wish I could get rid of her sooner. I wish I could get rid of her today. She can go but I can never erase that email. The MD will always know what happened between Julius and me.
‘I’ll wait for Rosie outside. I can still go to hers tomorrow, can’t I?’ Flo said.
‘Yes, darling.’
I kissed her on the cheek and waved her off though I wanted to hug her tightly and ask her to stay with me.
I lost Flo in Selfridges once. She was five years old and we were going to a Christmas party and Ben was away on a shoot. I had stopped in the food hall to buy a panettone to take to the host. There was a whole shelf of them to choose from, some were wrapped in pink and gold cellophane, others were in cardboard boxes tied with festive red ribbons. I picked up the box with the ribbons and handed it to the shop assistant. The confectionery department was a few steps beyond the cake section. It was an Aladdin’s cave to a five-year-old, with its displays of handmade chocolates and jelly beans all the colours of a rainbow. Flo had set off towards it joyfully and when I turned round a minute later she was gone. I will never forget the terror that hit me at that moment. It was all-encompassing and stretched out in time. The shop assistant was ringing up my purchase but I turned and started to run down the aisles, calling Flo’s name frantically. There were crowds of people doing their Christmas shopping and I elbowed my way through them getting angry looks along the way. Her little frame was hidden by the crowds as she walked wide-eyed among the mounds of brilliantly coloured sweets. She headed for a display that had helium balloons flying from the centre. By now I had reached the confectionery department and the smell of sugar and chocolate made me want to heave. A shop assistant told me later that she had seen Flo get up on her tiptoes and reach out to touch a foil-covered teddy bear. The bear wobbled and fell on the floor and broke into two pieces. Flo started to wail. It was her cry that I heard above the babble of shoppers and I lunged towards the sound to find a shop assistant comforting her as she stood there, looking so tiny, and pointing at the broken chocolate bear in the shop assistant’s hands. I had a crushing realisation at that moment that this little person was dependent on me for her protection. I had to be ever vigilant so that she would not come to any harm or ever be broken like the chocolate teddy bear.