by Cate Ellink
No one is keen to stand around, so once we pile out of the vehicle, packs are shouldered, goodbyes are said, hands are shaken and we’re on our way. I bite my lips together as I nod my last goodbye to Jason. His face is a mask. No one will guess he’s any different to before, but his eyes aren’t sparkling, they’re a flat brown. The crinkles beside his eyes and lips are deeper than usual. His lips have thinned. My heart warms thinking he might miss me, but maybe he’s only worried I’ll say something.
He accepts my handshake with a squeeze of his fingers and a tiny wink. It must be that he’ll miss me. I hope so. I turn away quickly so he won’t see my eyes mist up. I can’t believe there’s more tears in me. I make sure my head’s averted from Sam’s prying eyes. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to walk up the wretched hill. I don’t want to leave Jason. My right foot steps out and my left follows. I think of nothing except the next step.
The hill is hard going. After ten days of climbing in and out of boats with the highest hill being a buttress root of a mangrove tree, this hill almost kills me. A thousand and one times I wish I stayed behind. I take out my frustration on the hill and it shows. At morning tea, Sam, Ed and Damien comment about how close behind them I am. At lunchtime, Sam says, “Anyone would think you were running away from something, Mac.” At the evening stop, Sam is even more suggestive with his comment. “I didn’t realise you hated caravan parks so much, Mac, or is there more to this than we know?”
I laugh off each comment. The only thing I can think to use for an excuse is ‘fresh legs’. Sam must suspect something. I’m wary around him. I don’t want to be directly questioned. I don’t know if I can lie to his face but if it protects Jason, then I’ll have to.
When we get ready to sleep, it’s my luck that I end up on the edge, sleeping next to Sam. The only person I’m avoiding and I can’t avoid him at all. I make no fuss, say not a word and we retire for the night. The old root jokes are back. In a way it’s comforting to drop into routines. Torches go out and everyone settles for the night. There’s not a lot of room under two flies for seven people, so we all spoon together, each in our sleeping sheets, with two sleeping bags draped across like blankets. It’s the most effective sleeping arrangement with our light packing. Although our sleeping bags and tents came to the caravan park, we sent them back to base camp and stayed with the method we know works.
Sam curls against me and whispers close to my ear, “Is anyone going to be jealous if I snuggle up real close?”
Although I bristle at his snide comment, my reply is exactly what I used at the start of the trip when the same question had been asked to all the girls. “I’ll probably hit you if you get too friendly.” Inside, I do want to hit him. I don’t want to be curled up next to him. I don’t want to be at the top of a hill. I don’t want to be camping out here with my group, but I can’t say any of that. I can give nothing away. I just hope I don’t curl into his body during the night.
The trip is smooth. Our established routine works and we stick to it. I’m lucky being part of this group. I initially called them gung-ho, and they are, but they also care. Even though I’m the weakest person, no one has made me feel weak. My vote is respected the same as anyone else’s. They challenge me and I meet their challenge, sometimes more slowly than anyone would like, but I have made it. From a hesitant beginning, we’ve succeeded, meeting all our goals. We walked to the Devil’s Thumb. We hiked the farthest. We survived the crocodile infested rainforest, mangroves and Daintree River. I’ve come further than I ever dreamed. I am proud of every achievement.
The end of our hike, and the whole trip, is fast approaching. We’ll be back in base camp soon, only two days before the expedition ends. Half of me wants to draw out the trip so it never ends. The other half wants to race back to base camp so I can see Jason and that brings me to my next dilemma. Once the expedition ends, Jason and I are free to fraternise—except he’s based up here in Townsville and I live in Melbourne. It’s hard to fraternise from opposite ends of the country.
My intention has always been to walk away after the trip but now I don’t want to. Jason means more to me than a holiday fling, except I’m not sure how to stay in touch. Do I give him my phone number, like I’ve picked him up in a bar or can I be honest and blurt out my concerns? As peculiar as it seems, honesty has worked to date. Jason can handle my blurted truth, thank goodness. I’ll have to catch him alone and blurt.
The last day of our trek dawns and each of us express mixed feelings about the journey’s end. It’s easy walking today as we’ve reached the edge of the rainforest. The dry sclerophyll forest is open and allows us to walk freely. No single file. No secateurs. Easy walking. We walk at a saunter, chatting and enjoying the last moments together.
With only a kilometre left until the meeting point, and time on our side, we sit to enjoy the last of our food and the last of our time together. Sam moves next to me as we’re preparing to leave.
CHAPTER 9
“Mac, are you going to be okay with whoever comes to pick us up?” His tone is one of concern and care, which is unexpected. He always seems abrupt and I’ve been cagey ever since he saw me that last morning in the caravan park.
“So long as someone comes, I won’t care who it is.” I try to be flippant but I don’t pull it off. It comes out defensive. I lay my hand on his arm. “Sorry, that came out harder than I meant it.” I do care who comes to get us. I want Jason, yet I know he can’t come. As the boss, he doesn’t have that luxury. He’ll be packing and organising the retreat. But I do want him here to meet us.
“If he hurts you, you only have to say and I’ll sort things out.” Sam’s words are whispered with intensity.
“It’s nothing like that.” My hand tightens on Sam’s arm before I consciously release it and pull my hand away. The lie is difficult. I’m close to sounding desperate, and I shouldn’t sound that way.
“Are you sure?” Sam’s big brother impersonation is not welcome. We aren’t connected except by the group. We’ll never see each other after this. I wish he’d just drop this whole charade.
“I’m sure.” I give him my best smile and most innocent face hoping he’ll believe me. I can’t get this far and blow it, can I? I can’t fail Jason.
“I just thought he was bothering you. I hate that. My mistake.”
“He hasn’t bothered me at all, Sam. I enjoyed talking with him.” Sam nods his head and walks away. The relief is instantaneous.
Bothering me? I almost laugh. Jason never bothers me but he never leaves me either. Night and day I’m flooded by thoughts of him and my memories. His scent lingers even when he’s not here. My flesh remembers the whisper of his touch. My lips miss his kiss. I have a twinging ache in my thighs and groin leftover from sex. They’re good things to be bothered by but ones I’m not sharing.
We wait quite some time before the army vehicle arrives. It’s Tim and he apologises profusely for being late as he jumps out to greet us.
“You can’t believe base camp. There’s stuff everywhere. People wanting everything. The place is insane. You’re lucky you stayed away so long. Be prepared for a huge mess when you get there.” He grins. “Wow, you guys look half starved and filthy. Glad I didn’t go on this trip with you. Get in, I’ll get you back to camp for a wash and a feed.”
We load our gear and he steps beside me while the others are busy. He stares at me for too long with an expression I can’t read and my stomach churns. I don’t know how I should feel after receiving such a look.
“What the hell happened at the mangroves?” His tone is accusing and I stare.
My face must show a complete lack of understanding. “What?” I manage to stammer out the single word, hoping he’ll explain. Has something happened to Jason? Were we found out?
“Jason’s been biting our heads off since he came back. What the hell happened?”
Relief hits like a southerly buster, dousing my fears in one gust. “Nothing happened.”
He lifts one eyeb
row and opens his mouth to argue but gets no further because it’s my turn to stow my gear and load in. I throw in my backpack and follow everyone into the back. When I take my seat, I sniff surreptitiously seeking the remnant musky scent of sex but it’s been days and all I smell is dust and our sweat. It may not even be the same vehicle; there are two alike.
I don’t know what to say to Tim. Why did he assume Jason’s attitude is related to me? Should I be flattered? And is Jason’s behaviour because of me? Did I have an impact on him? I wonder what I’ll find at base camp. The caravan park was easy but base camp won’t be like that. There’ll be too many people for a start. I can’t let that stop me. I have to go and see him, tonight. It’s my last real chance.
We arrive to a hive of activity. With only days to go, packing has commenced and chaos reigns. People are rushing everywhere and shouting from all directions. We’re swarmed upon as soon as we arrive, welcomed back with gusto since we’re the last to return. Our safe arrival means the expedition leaders can relax. A few injuries have been sustained in other groups but no snake bites, crocodile attacks or loss of life.
Jason’s in the thick of the activity. He stops when we drive into camp and I wave from the back of the vehicle. He nods, a slow sexy smile breaking across his face making my stomach go all mushy, and he goes back to working. That’s okay. He has a job to do and I’m delighted he looked for, and acknowledged, me.
We pile out and grab our gear to take to our camp area. Tim touches my arm and whispers, “Come over tonight, please. He missed you.” I nod. I fully intended to visit, with or without Tim’s invitation. I’ll be careful but I’m not avoiding Jason again. Ever.
My hearts sings. If Tim thinks Jason missed me then there might be a chance of seeing him again—seeing being euphemistic for screwing, bonking, fucking, any of those words. However, I’d like more than that. I’d like to have a relationship with him, something more solid than just sex. Although that’s a dream for now. It’s impossible to have a relationship from opposite ends of the continent.
Base camp is noisy, crowded and bare. The camp area looks trampled and used. It’s changed so much, or maybe it’s only my perception.
The afternoon and evening pass slowly. Once I wash, change into fresh clothes and eat real food, I’m a different person. I’m human, clean and decidedly female. As soon as dinner finishes and people drift off to see friends and talk to other people, I grab my chance to go to the army area.
Nothing much has changed but it too looks squashed. A campfire burns as guys sprawl around with girls attached to most of them. So much for no fraternisation. I guess it’s the last night, they’re young and the penalty would be minimal for them. I hope none of them cause problems for Jason.
Feeling brave, clean and sexy, I walk straight in. Once the firelight catches me, Tim jumps up and comes straight over, grinning. “Mac, I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Of course I came, after you asked so nicely.” I force a grin knowing he’ll pick up on my sarcasm. “So what’s the drama?”
Tim leads me away from the others into the shadows towards their tents. “I reckon something happened during the mangrove trip. Jason hasn’t said anything. It’s just that he’s always calm but this week he’s driven us crazy. Fiona has been hanging around like a blowfly but she hasn’t improved his mood. I’m hoping you might.”
I want to ask what he means but I don’t have the chance. Jason walks out of a tent and glares at us. He points his finger at me and curls it towards himself, beckoning. It isn’t the glossy embossed invitation I hoped for, but it’s an invitation and in front of his men.
“Excuse me,” I mutter to Tim as I’m drawn to the glare.
I haven’t seen him in a week and I could devour him. He looks more muscled than I remember. His shoulders loom from his singlet all tense, rounded muscle I’m dying to sink my fingers into. His lips look completely kissable and my tongue slips out to moisten mine. I stop about six inches from him and his gaze is not all glare. He’s staring at my mouth. There are dancing lights in the intensity of his dark gaze and they aren’t all caused from the firelight.
He’s wearing long shorts and a khaki singlet and thongs on his feet. Under one arm he carries a newspaper. I haven’t thought about the news for weeks.
I grab life with both hands. I’m a hair’s breadth from his body and it torments me deliciously. I try to be cool but my voice is thready as I greet him. “Hey. I survived…just. I–”
He cuts me off. “Want to walk?” His words are clipped and not at all inviting, but he is still inviting. I lift an eyebrow to indicate I have no intention of walking far but I nod and remain silent. Is he just being overly cautious?
We walk through the spindly trees towards their tents. He leads and I follow a few paces behind. Once in the shadows, his hand stretches back for mine and I take it. His panther mode is on. He prowls through the bush, making far less noise than I. When we walk into complete darkness, he stops but doesn’t turn around. I walk into his back. My free hand grips his singlet and then flattens on his shoulder blade, my other hand still caught in his. I rest my forehead against his spine. His totally male scent fills me with passion.
“I missed you.” He gives no reaction. His breath is regular beneath my cheek. Even with no reaction I have to tell him how I feel.
“I can’t tell you how many times I wished I rolled my ankle and stayed with you.” Muscles spasm as he chuckles and my forehead moves in rhythm. “I wondered if you’d like my phone number.” Where did that come from? I want to slap my head. I thought through what I’d say when I saw him again and that wasn’t in the plan.
His laugh vibrates through my hands before I hear it. He turns around and catches my hands between his. “Mac, you’re always a surprise.”
I tip my head to the side while I drink him in. His lips are so completely kissable when he laughs. I know his eyes, even though I can’t see them, are darkening by the second. I purse my lips, fighting the urge to kiss him before I get an answer. “Is that a yes or a—”
The booming voice of the expedition leader cuts across me. “What’s going on here?”
Jason shoves the newspaper at me and pushes me towards base camp, away from him. He strides back to the campfire but I’m not running from him, not when I’ve just got here. I follow him.
There’s the shuffle of feet, the sound of people leaving, murmured voices beneath a heavy silence. Jason walks into the firelight and I’m not far behind. There are no girls here now. I’m alone. I should have run when he pushed me. Why did I follow?
“What happened to no fraternisation, Sergeant?”
My heart plummets taking my stomach with it. I’m the only girl here. I’ve ruined Jason’s career and we weren’t doing anything but talking. Damn. You’d think we’d get caught doing something worthwhile. We did come from their tents which looks bad, but I have the newspaper. My brain is working feverishly.
Jason is beside me, his feet apart, shoulders relaxed, arms crossed in front of him. He looks every bit a menacing panther. Glancing at the expedition leader, he’s matching the stance but he’s tense. His jaw juts out too far, his shoulders are rigid and his left foot is slightly ahead of his right. He’s ready to fight.
Jason gives a slight shrug. “We can’t stop them coming here.”
There’s a splutter of indignation from the expedition leader before he spies me. “What are you doing here?” His finger jabs the air as he points at me.
“The Sergeant had something for me.” I wave my hand holding the newspaper. “I was picking it up.” My stomach is in my throat. I hate confrontation. I hate lying. But I won’t let Jason be demoted if I can help it.
“What is it?”
I raise my eyebrows with a defiant stare. “A newspaper.”
“Why?”
I answer a little glibly but I’m defending my territory here. “I’m not sure yet. I only arrived before you. I’m waiting to find out.” It’s the truth, in a way. I have no
idea why Jason threw the newspaper at me. I do want to find out the reason for that.
The tension between the two men is like a cyclone brewing. The air is charged. It’s heavy, waiting for an explosion. The army guys have formed a huddle near a vehicle. Far enough away not to be involved but close enough to hear the action. It’s just the three of us facing off. Jason still looks relaxed. The tension is only in me and the expedition leader.
He snaps his attention at Jason and then at me. “You have three minutes.” He walks two paces away and waits, he half turns but he’s watching and will hear anything we say.
I look at Jason. He’s furious. I can’t decide if it’s at me, the leader or himself. As the firelight dances across his face there’s a seething darkness in his eyes. His jaw is clenched tight like a panther ready to defend his own. I wonder if I’m included. When I touch my fingers to his arm he flinches. “What’s in the paper, Jason?”
He brings his gaze to my face. The harshness in his look softens marginally. “Yes,” he pauses and waves at the paper, “The mangrove guys asked me to give it to you. There’s a job ad in it. They said you were interested.” He doesn’t whisper but his voice is low. None of his men will hear, but the expedition leader will.
A little yelp of excitement explodes from me before I can stop it. They want me to work with them. I could get to Townsville. I don’t know if Jason wants my phone number. How am I supposed to know if I should apply for the job? What was that ‘yes’ before he told me about the paper? Was that the phone number answer?
“I am interested. I loved working with them. It was a great experience. Thank you.” I’m trying to read his every reaction but it’s not easy. His face is cast in shadows, making it even more difficult and it’s not easy to read in broad daylight. He might have a smile hovering, or is it my desperation telling me that?
The expedition leader growls, “One minute.”