by Stefania Gil
“I'm truly sorry.”
“Whores never regret anything,” I said hatefully.
Those around us stared with wide eyes.
The elevator arrived and I left.
With a broken heart, but my head held high.
***
When I got home and closed the door, I allowed myself to completely fall apart.
I couldn’t forget the revolting image of Carl screwing his secretary.
I had the immediate urge to wash my ears out. I couldn’t stop replaying when he told her he wanted to penetrate her from behind.
Damn-filthy-liar!
Carl was a facade.
I had been fooled by his romantic words making me believe he was my prince charming.
I wish I had Maleficent’s power. I would have set fire to his prized dick.
But that was not what happened.
I sank into the tub of warm water with a bottle of wine.
I stayed there for the rest of the day. Drowning my sorrows with wine and trying to wash away everything I saw and heard today.
When I came out of the bathroom, I was dressed like I was going to a business dinner.
Carl was sitting in the living room.
“Are you going out?” He asked me with a feigned smile after inspecting me from head to foot.
I dressed like this to give you a glamorous kick in the ass.
I looked him directly in the eyes. This time, wishing I was Medusa so I could turn him into stone.
He stood and approached me.
I took a step back.
“Jen, honey, let's work this out.”
Was he really going to continue with that stupid game?
“There's nothing to clarify, Carl. I told you before. Do not speak to me. Tomorrow, my lawyer will contact you to reach an agreement on our divorce.”
He observed me ironically.
“Which lawyer, Jen? And to what agreement we will arrive?”
I struck him with a glare. The asshole was making fun of me to my face because he knew I didn’t have a lawyer. I always used the one at his company.
Idiot.
“If I tell you tomorrow my lawyer will contact you, it's because I know what I'm talking about-it wouldn’t be a problem finding a lawyer tonight. Someone I knew had to know a lawyer. Period. And the agreement is what has to be reached in these cases.”
“I'm not going to hand anything over to you.”
My eyes widened big as a dinner plate.
“You must give by the legal means, as is appropriate.”
“I'm not going to give you a divorce. Period,” he said seriously, into my eyes.
Was he challenging me?
“Then I'll have to kill you to be a free woman again and I'll keep everything that is yours.”
“You won’t be able to. You can’t even kill a fly.”
I hated him for deceiving me and for knowing me so well.
I decided not to continue this game.
I opened the door and went to Holly's house.
I needed my friend.
***
After weeping on Holly's shoulder all night and listening to Sam swear he was going to kill Carl if he found him on the street, I went home to pick up my things and get out of there.
I still did not have a lawyer. I had to find one as soon as possible.
“Your lawyer has not called me yet,” Carl informed me as soon as I entered the room with a couple of empty suitcases.
“I haven’t called him yet.”
“Jen, please, let's be adults. You are acting like a teenager. You are a woman who can understand the difference between sleeping with someone and loving someone.”
Damn it! All the beautiful composure I had up to this point, disappeared.
I let the impulsive Jen take over and I exploded like a big atomic bomb.
It was Mr. Hyde’s second appearance in my life.
I commenced to throw everything fragile I saw against the walls.
Carl gaped at me in amazement at first which quickly turned into fear when I headed for the kitchen, looking for the biggest knife we owned. I began stabbing everything that crossed my path.
“Calm down, Jen. Please I beg you. You’re scaring me.”
I still hadn’t said a word.
I was Mr. Hyde and if I turned to look at Carl, I was sure I would stab him next.
The leather sofa in the living room, which cost a fortune, became a huge heap of rubble.
I don’t know how long I stayed like this.
I only know when I calmed down, I went back to our room, filled my bags with my most basic things, and returned downstairs.
On my way to the door, Carl was still sitting in a dining room chair that had survived my attack. He was pale.
“You're right about something, Carl,” I said wryly. “I am an adult woman who knows how to make a difference. You never loved me, that's why you were unfaithful to me. Now, you will go from being my husband to my ex-husband. You will have to rebuild your house, because you're right about that, too. It is your house and you will take care of furnishing it again.”
I opened the door and left, as if I were going on a trip.
I couldn’t let anyone know how shattered I was inside.
Once I got to my mother's house and she hugged me, I fell apart again.
***
I was at my mother's house for a few weeks.
Weeks in which I worked every day on forgetting Carl. It hurt like hell wanting to forget about him. I loved him like a fool.
I had retained a lawyer, a florist's client, by the way. When she found out what Carl had done to me, she offered to help me with the divorce suit for adultery.
The idiot kept calling me. He did not want to give me the divorce. According to him, he still loved me and didn’t want to lose me.
I changed my cell phone number. I did not want to receive any more calls but, of course, I could not change my mother's phone number or the florist's.
So he kept calling there. However, without any success whatsoever. I placed caller IDs everywhere so as not to answer his call, not even by mistake.
Twice he came to the florist shop trying to talk to me. I regretted not having absolute control over the business property so I would be able to throw him out with pleasure.
Clarissa, my lawyer, informed me we were not giving him anything. For being unfaithful to me, he deserved to stay on the street. Although it was not going to be entirely possible due to Carl, having plenty of money and good lawyers within the family. To be honest, those who have so much power never lose.
I agreed with Clarissa he could have anything he wanted except my business.
When we arrived at the settlement, Carl didn’t refuse to give me half of the house’s sale price despite having destroyed it inside.
“I'll give you my half of the house for your half of the florist shop,” I said earnestly.
We were in the conference room of Clarissa’s law firm.
“That won’t be possible, my dear Jen. If I give you the flower shop, I will never see you again. Besides, business is good and I want to keep it.”
Damn traitor.
I glared at him.
“You should think carefully about the offer Jen is making,” Clarissa said.
“I feel the same way,” said his lawyer.
I raised my eyebrow looking dead into his eyes.
He winked at me. I wanted to jump across the table separating us and scratch his eyes out.
“No,” he said again.
“You're getting more money for the house. Stop being so insolent. You're not going to win me over again Carl that possibility fades every time I remember how I found you and your secretary.”
“I fired her.”
“I don’t care!” I said, raising my voice. “You're a miserable bastard who only played dirty with me. Damn traitor, I hate you with my entire soul!”
I was furious. I began to cry from the anger bottled up inside of me.
Carl was surprised by my words. I had never spoken to him that way.
“Let's wait a few more days and then we'll meet again,” his lawyer said.
I looked at Clarissa.
“Three days,” she said.
We left the office.
The nightmare never seemed to end.
***
The three days went by, one month, three months, and we were still at the same point. Carl wouldn’t give up half the florist for anything in the world. He was convinced that connection would bring us together again.
He was an idiot times two.
After six months, the pain of separation and deception began to wane.
I felt much better. I had a lot of work, which kept me very busy. I understood love did not exist for me.
I began to wonder why my bad experiences in love always ended the same way: in deception.
I questioned myself, thinking, perhaps, I was one of the problems. I did a thorough analysis of my behavior within a relationship.
I still didn’t see where I was failing.
I armed myself with courage and went to my first appointment with Dr. Rose Anderson.
The first time I entered her office, I had an urgent need to run as I sat on her nice beige couch.
I was uncomfortable considering being very aware this stranger would start analyzing me as soon as I began to speak.
“Good morning, Jen,” she greeted me with a beautiful smile, “please make yourself comfortable.
I sat on the sofa.
“Good morning, Dr. Anderson.
“Call me Rose, please.”
She was trying to create a more comfortable environment for me.
She sat down in a brown chair opposite me. Between us, there was a dark wooden table with a tray containing a glass pitcher of water and two glasses.
“Tell me, what brings you here.”
“My two divorces.
She took notes in her notebook with her elegant pen.
She studied me carefully like she was waiting for me to say more.
“I need you to ask me questions,” I said with a smirk.
She smiled back at me sincerely.
“Jen, it’s not an interrogation. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me even if you've never done this before.”
Okay. I had to make an effort.
I recounted for her the details of my first marriage.
When I told her what I had done with the mattress, she had a hint of a smile. I didn’t understand if she thought it was a joke. Maybe I was crazy, or that I had done the right thing.
Well, not the right thing, but rather, the most appropriate thing in the situation and how I felt at the time.
“How did you feel after burning the mattress?”
I snorted.
“Liberated.”
She nodded.
“When you had to pay the fine for the fire, how did you feel?”
“Like an idiot.” I understood I had acted impulsively.
The doctor fixed her eyes on the clock hanging on the wall in front of her. Time was almost up in the therapy session.
“Aren’t you going to tell me what you thought about my story before time runs out?” I asked anxiously.
She shook her head.
“No, Jen, it doesn’t work like that. On your first visits, I will listen to you and analyze your situation. I will take note of the important things you must work on and only then will I give you my opinion.”
“Then I think we'll become friends, Rose,” I smiled wryly. “My whole life is a long tragedy just like in soap operas.”
She released an entertaining guffaw.
“Don’t lose that spirit, Jen. Not even in your worst moments because it is what always helps you out of the “Tragedies” —she enclosed the words with finger quotation marks.
***
The months continued to pass. It was about to be a year since I had decided to divorce Carl.
I still prayed to anyone listening that he would sign the divorce papers and leave me alone.
Consultations with Dr. Rose became more frequent.
I liked going to talk to her. At first, I went only once a week and then I decided it was best to visit twice a week.
However, there were weeks I needed a third - and even a fourth - appointment.
She helped me.
When she began to interact with me in the consultations, she explained she realized I was not a very affectionate woman. She told me due to my father's absence, I had developed an ideal couple I wouldn’t find because there wasn’t a perfect man. She made me see in my first relationship, I had been very engrossed with Aaron and that, is what could have triggered the infidelity. With Carl, she made me see my behavior had been less demanding, due to the bad experience in my first marriage. I had been a little affectionate. Of course, she admitted that didn’t justify their infidelity. She assured me I should not feel guilty. Due to my misfortune, I had run into two men who certainly had problems with monogamy. Since you can’t always detect it at the beginning of a romance. As she said, at first everything is rosy, but when everyday life problems and routine take over, that is when the couple begins to notice all the defects.
It was true. Everything. I had been very absorbed with Aaron and with Carl, quite the opposite. Despite loving him and showing him with deeds, I wasn’t able to talk to him about my feelings. I thought I was giving him control over my life and I was afraid he would hurt me like Aaron had done. Very seldom I said “I love you”. It didn’t seem to affect him, considering I didn’t think it would bring us to the point of divorce later. Of course, it doesn’t matter since he had been cheating on me since who knows when.
On the last visits with Dr. Rose, we talked about my impulsivity problem. She said people with that condition were the worst. They were burdened with things and would not externalized them for fear of seeming weak or childish. We all had an “up to here.” She explained when that type of person reaches the “up to here”; they exploded without stopping to think about the consequences of their actions.
It was very accurate. That was me.
She also noticed I made a great effort to behave serenely when I discovered Carl's deception, but she assured me even though I didn’t erupt into tears and scream-as any other woman would have-I came to the point where I could no longer bear it and I destroyed the whole house.
She recommended I begin to analyze my behavior 24 hours a day.
I did it.
I never realized it, but what she said was true.
Very seldom I expressed how I really felt about something and all because I didn’t want to argue. I just let things go. As well as, naturally avoiding topics I didn’t want to talk about.
I changed that.
It cost me a lot, but I was on the right track.
Although I relapsed greatly the day Carl sent me a diamond bracelet trimmed in white gold to the florist shop.
When I got the box from Tiffany & Co. I knew where the gift came from.
I sighed. I was exhausted with Carl’s story.
I didn’t even deem him a friend anymore. I had been able to overcome the pain and the love I had for him, had definitively died.
All I wanted was for him to sign the damn divorce papers and leave me alone. He no longer came to the florist shop. I hired an assistant: Rick, who was a charmer. A super skillful guy with decoration and flowers. He had exquisite taste. Well, he was gay and my ex-husband was homophobic, so he had not stepped foot in the shop again.
I left my office telling Rick I needed run an errand.
I went to Carl's office. On the way, I was thinking about what I was going to say and how I would behave. That was what Dr. Rose was teaching me to do in the therapy sessions.
I had to act calmly, no matter how upset I was at the moment.
Upon arriving at the office, I noticed they were remodeling. The carpet was covered with thick plastic and some workers were painting the walls in the space
where Carl's secretary was.
Surprise!
A year later, I learned the whore I found him with held her same position.
He told me he had fired her.
Damn liar!
My blood boiled.
The secretary saw me and her large green eyes widen. She looked panicked.
“Mr. Carl—” The door was open and I could hear him talking to another man.
I slammed the door open.
He was quite a sight.
I think he even began to sweat.
He half smiled while trying to recover.
The man talking to him stepped aside to let me through.
My face read: I will spit fire if you speak to me!
The inside of Carl's office was going through the same remodel as the rest of the facility.
“Jen,” Carl said, moving closer, “I'm glad you’re here.”
The idiot peeked to see if his stupid little woman was at her desk or not.
“I imagine, she's still sitting there,” I said, staring him in the eye,
The idiot didn’t know how to answer.
What was he going to say? It's not what you think, Jen!
“It's not what you think, honey.”
I had to admit Carl was good at something ... being a perfect jerk.
I became Mr. Hyde.
I saw a hammer resting on a toolbox.
I went straight to it, picking it. I unwrapped the diamond bracelet.
I placed it on Carl's desk-which might be worth as much as the bracelet-and unloaded all my anger by smashing the bracelet and the wood desk.
Carl stood paralyzed.
When I finished unloading my fury, I replaced the hammer, adjusted my suit, and before leaving the office, I noticed a blond haired, blue-eyed, very handsome man, looking at me with a funny smile on his lips.
He wore a construction hard hat.
I assumed he was in charge of the remodeling.
“Thank you so much for allowing me to use your hammer,” I said as calmly as if I had borrowed his pen to take notes.
The man gazed me with amazement and an open smile. I could even swear I saw his eyes flash.
“I'll see you tomorrow at Clarissa's office at eight o'clock. You're going to sign the fucking divorce papers, Carl. I'm tired of this. I do not want to know anything else, nothing more about you. Is it understood?”