by Stefania Gil
When I left there, I stopped in front of my favorite lingerie store. I was tempted to go in and buy something but why, if my sex life had been reduced to recalling sexual encounters with James.
I had become quite a pathetic woman and all because of the buried nail in my heart that bore the name and surname: James Bracco.
I sighed.
I left the mall, got in my car and went home.
When I arrived, I went straight into the kitchen and ate an apple while I put away my purchases. I filled the tub with hot water to take a relaxing bath.
I had plenty of time to sink into the tub and indulge myself.
When I had everything ready, candles lit and so on, I undressed and got into the tub.
This relaxed my body. My mind had a couple of years without finding a relaxing moment considering I always had anything related to James on my mind.
How could I have allowed that man to invade my life that way?
I had fought hard against what I felt for him. I wanted to leave everything behind and go back to being the woman I had been before James.
I understood what it was like to be in love with a person. I understood those couples who professed love for the rest of their lives. I was living what people who lose their loved one feels after so many years of marriage.
In my previous marriages, I thought I was in love, and after falling in love with James, I really understood what true love was.
And I had lost it.
Because of stupidity.
Breathe deeply.
My inhalation was interrupted by the doorbell.
I remembered the previous week, there had been a knock on my door on Saturday about the same time. It had been a man offering an annual gardening service and since I didn’t feel like listening to him at that moment, I told him to come back next Saturday. Surely it was him and the truth was I was not going to suspend my wonderful moment in the tub to attend to him.
So I didn’t move from where I was.
Even though I heard the doorbell ring twice more.
A good while later, when the skin of my fingers were wrinkled, I got out of the tub and started to get ready for the party.
The dress was beautiful. It fit me phenomenally. It highlighted my figure. It was so colorful, I decided to wear my classic beige heeled shoes with it and the matching purse, of course.
I straightened my hair with soft curls at the ends and I put on a little makeup. I didn’t feel like wasting an hour taking off my makeup when I returned home.
When I was ready, I looked out the window next to the door to verify the sales man was not waiting for me to open the door. After all, he had to have understand the “I do not want to open” sign when he rang the doorbell several times and nobody opened it. Even though in the living room, the lights were on and my car was parked in front of the house.
There was no one.
Leaving my house, I got into my car and went to Carlota's party.
***
Carlota was a woman of upper middle class. She lived in a good area in the city.
I parked in an available space near the house and walked to the door.
I rang the bell and she received me with a hug and a happy smile.
“I'm glad you could make it. Come in.”
“Thanks” The house was dimly lit inside, giving it a romantic atmosphere complemented by the candle light generated from those Carlota had ordered placed in the backyard.
She took me by the arm and hurried me towards the back garden.
Everything was fabulous.
The bouquets were perfect.
I smiled pleased.
“I’ll seat you at a table now, because my son is about to tell his girlfriend the real reason for this party.”
There were many people. Some standing talking in groups.
Some around the long refreshment table.
Others, sitting laughing at their tables.
I recognized Carlota's son talking among a group of men. He seemed calm despite the fact in a few minutes, he was going to take a big step.
The joyful music played, some danced on the dance floor.
There were also some children scampering around happily in the garden.
A waiter passed close to us before we reached the table where I was to sit and Carlota snatched two glasses of champagne.
She offered me one that I took without thinking.
I took a sip. The bubbles produced the respective tickle that accompanies the drink.
“Everything was great,” I said to Carlota. “To the happiness of the future couple,” I said in a whisper clinking our glasses.
“Amen, dear.” Her eyes twinkled with emotion. “There was nothing I wanted more than my son’s happiness.”
Suddenly, something caught my attention on the dance floor.
A couple.
They danced divinely.
Carlota was telling me something, but my attention was only focused on the couple on the dance floor.
The lady was a beautiful woman. She had a golden face. She looked like an angel with her straight blond hair, white skin and captivating eyes. The man, who held her firmly by the waist, making her laugh relentlessly while talking in her ear, was thin. You could see his defined body enhanced by the tailored black suit he was wearing.
The music ended just as the man grabbed the lady from behind and spun her.
He gave her an affectionate kiss on the cheek while she tilted her head back still laughing.
When the man separated slightly from her, my soul left my body and I thought I was going to die.
The man, was James.
***
“Jen, sweetie, what's the matter?” Carlota asked me with concern but I couldn’t hear her clearly. My view clouded just as the champagne glass slipped from my hand crashing loudly to the floor, which made everyone turn their attention to me. Everyone, including James, who left the dance floor with one arm still around the lady’s waist.
Our visual contact was more than enough to know, from the expression on his face, this had been the worst opportunity the universe could have planned.
I ran out of the party.
I ran like I have never before in my life run. Even when I felt my legs turn into jelly.
I had my car keys in hand.
They almost fell to the floor the way my hands were shaking when I tried to start the car.
When I did, I looked up to an empty street.
I was hoping to see James run after me. Trying to explain to me that...
A knot formed in my throat.
I started the car.
What would James explain to me? That he had found a woman who wanted a serious relationship with him.
Was he so masochistic he wanted me to confirm it?
Was not it enough for me to see the way he made her laugh and how happy they looked?
What was happening with me?
I started crying before taking the highway exit that took me straight home.
The pressure in my chest did not allow me to breathe.
James... his name in my head erupted my tears, as a dam explodes when it inevitably breaks.
Back to reality...
I was sitting next to the driver of the patrol car, where I was being transported to the police station.
The police officer who found me crying hysterically on the side of the highway, didn’t leave me there. Nor did he allow me to drive to the police station in my car considering it was clear that in my state, I was a danger to other drivers.
So when he told me he would take me to the police station, after having embraced him for comfort and passing the alcohol test due to him thinking I was drunk, I got into the patrol with what little dignity I had left.
I was not going to let him take me in the backseat.
Although, I had already fallen quite low allowing a police officer to find me in the state I was and in addition to that, I was tested like a drunk.
I had never experienced anything like it in my
life! And I wasn’t even drunk!
The officer glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.
-Do you want me to tell you my story?
He lifted his shoulders amused.
-After hugging me and telling me I look a lot like him, the truth is I'm curious to know what happened to him.
I sighed defeated. What more did I have to lose!
I told him my whole story with James.
Everything, just like we had known each other all our lives.
“Have you officially realized it?” I asked when he opened the car door for me to get out at the police station. He had also refused to take me home, because it did not seem prudent for me to be alone in this state. Just like a girl. “I lost the man I love. Definitively”
We entered the police station and I noticed the exchange of glances between the officers behind the counter and the one accompanying me.
Surely, those looks meant: ‘Here comes the crazy woman. Prepare to listen to this story’
“Yes, the truth is it seems I lost it.”
So he told me, without further ado. Men were insensitive and basic, no doubt.
He realized I had not fallen for his sincerity when my lips began to tremble again and my eyes filled with tears.
“But surely everything can be fixed,” he said with a hint of smile, trying to mend the idiocy he had just spouted.
I already knew I had lost James, nobody had to rub it in my face and less, a curious stranger who feels sorry for me now.
Idiot.
“Do you have a file Mrs.?” Asked a uniformed woman.
“I'm not a criminal,” I answered defensively.
“No,” the officer accompanying me replied. “Sit here.” He pointed to some chairs in a waiting room. “Who can we call to come for you?”
Nobody. I was not going to make Holly and Steve drive more than an hour from Tower Lake to come get me like a teenager who just committed a crime.
And Rick, it was not an option either.
“I have no one.”
“Well,” the officer replied again.” So, sit there and when you calm down, I'll take you home.”
“And my car?”
“I immediately sent someone to look after it.”
“Thank you.”
I sat in the waiting room.
Apparently, I was going to live in the police station because I started crying again at the song when I remembered how James looked when our gazes crossed.
***
Ten minutes later, I was still crying, but my brain struggled to think logically while letting me dominate my emotions.
I had to call Rick to look for me and take me home where I could sink into my depressed state as long as I liked. In pajamas and eating mountains of chocolate.
I took my phone out of my bag to make the call. Suddenly, a call came in that made my pulse quicken, my heart beat uncontrollably and my hands trembled nonstop.
It was James.
Without thinking, I answered.
I needed to hear his voice.
“Where the hell are you?” He asked concerned. He sounded almost hysterical.
The words didn’t come out. All I did was cry.
“Good God, Jen! Tell me what happened to you? Where are you? Why is your car abandoned on the highway?”
I broke down crying. I was grateful the police officer kept his eyes on me, because immediately, he snatched the phone and spoke with James.
A few minutes later, James entered the police station.
I did not expect his reaction.
He barely got through the door when he saw me. He ran to where I was, lifted me by the arms and hugged me.
He repeatedly kissed my head while I took refuge in his chest.
His breathing was accelerated.
“We're going home.”
I didn’t put up any resistance. I let myself be taken home by James.
However, on the way, I could not help asking where we were going considering the route he was taking was not to my house.
“Let's go to my house,” he answered taking my hand.
***
When we arrived, he helped me out of the car. I was still sobbing but had managed to stop crying. My eyes hurt and felt very swollen.
We went up an external staircase leading directly into the second floor of the house.
He turned on a small lamp sitting on a table near the door where he let all the keys and his wallet rest.
I remained motionless watching his every movement.
I was with James, in his house.
After so much time.
Even after thinking I had lost him and also seeing him embrace another woman.
My senses became alert.
“What are we doing here?” I asked in a trembling voice.
He rested his hands on his hip, staring at me with a sweet smile painted on his face.
“We are clarifying things between us, Jen.”
I sighed.
“You were dancing with another woman James, you looked so happy together... Tell me, with sincerity, what are we going to clarify? If you are going to tell me there can’t be anything between us, that you have found happiness with someone else, I—”
He came up to me and hugged me again. He cradled my face in his hands and lightly kissed my lips.
“I'm happy with that woman because she is Angelina, the mother of my daughter.”
I stared at him in surprise.
“She... but... like...” —I couldn’t seem to formulate a coherent sentence.
He smiled.
He gave me another kiss and took me to the bathroom inside his room.
He filled the tub with water.
My whole body trembled. It was as if I were in the North Pole dressed in a bathing suit.
“I want you to relax” he said affectionately as he took off my dress. I couldn’t move.
The steam coming off the water was generating an atmosphere my body appreciated.
He removed my bra and panties. He tied up my hair and finally, he bent down to take off my shoes.
He took my hand and helped me into the tub.
“Stay there for a while. Just relax. I’ll be right back.”
What was happening? I didn’t understand anything. How was it possible destiny played with us like this?
An emotional whirlwind swept through me and all I could do was unleash my tears once more.
My makeup must look terrible. The mascara I used was water proof but it could not withstand continuous crying.
I took some bath gel and washed my face.
The hot water was beginning to take effect on me. My muscles were no longer tense and the tremors were waning.
James returned with a cup of chamomile tea. He had changed his clothes. He was wearing blue cotton pants with a white cotton shirt.
He was barefoot.
“Thanks,” I said taking the cup between my hands.
I took a sip and sighed.
He sat on the toilet looking at me with compassion.
“How is it we have arrived at this strange coincidence?” I asked.
He lifted his shoulders.
“Yesterday I read the email you sent me a few days ago.” He smiled at me beautifully. “It is impossible to describe how I felt after reading it. Maybe, rage, was my first emotion. For having acted so impulsively that night when you didn’t come to the party in which I wanted you to meet my family.”
I wanted to interrupt him so I raised my hand.
“I have a lot to say, Jen.” He kept eyeing me. Let me finish. He paused briefly. “At the time, I felt nothing was going to make you stop interjecting things that allowed you to commitment to take a serious and stable relationship with me. What angered me most that day, was my daughter's reaction to knowing you wouldn’t arrive after I had been telling her all day that she was going to meet the woman who would make daddy twice as happy as he already was.. Even at her young age, that night, she asked me what will happen no
w, daddy. She started crying because she thought I couldn’t be happy,” he huffed. “There are few things in the world that make me angry and seeing my daughter cry because she was worried about my happiness” —he smiled—, “or whatever it is, makes me mad as hell. I can’t stand to see my daughter cry. When you called me that night, I had just left her asleep in her room, after having to calm her down and explain that daddy would always be happy because he had her.”
He paused again.
My body was regaining some tension after hearing James' words.
“So that night, you called at the worst moment and I let out the worst of me. I was tired of fighting your fears. I knew they were justified by the bad experiences you had gone through but, I thought I could make you trust me and you would realize I really loved you.”
A big lump rose in my throat I couldn’t control.
He loved me, in the past.
More tears escaped me.
He smiled sweetly.
“Today I'm discovering I also turn into the devil when I see you cry” —he approached me kissing me on the forehead—. “Don’t cry anymore, please, it breaks my heart. I still love you, Jen. Relax.”
I saw it in the eyes. I breathed a sigh of relief. I nodded.
The words were still trapped under the knot in my throat.
“Let's go to bed.” He took my hands to help me out of the tub and wrapped me in a white bathrobe.
We lay on our sides on the bed, facing each other.
He stroked my face gently.
“After that night,” he continued, explaining, “I took refuge in work. I didn’t want to think about you anymore and keeping busy, would help me to forget you. It was impossible to get out of my mind. You were nailed so hard, that in all this time, I haven’t gone a day without thinking about you.”
“I called you many times.”
“I already know. I didn’t want to talk to you because my intention was to forget you.”
He sighed.
“I thought distance would help also. All this time I have continued traveling to Hawaii for new projects. And in these last days, I was so busy I didn’t have time to check my emails.”
He sighed again.
“Until yesterday, I finally had a break before boarding the plane and I sat down to read everything” —he showed me the lopsided smile I liked so much—. “You can’t imagine how I felt. I wanted to run around the airport shouting in the wind that you still loved me and the first thing I would do after getting off the plane, would be to go to your house to kiss you until you were exhausted.”