by Fiona Lowe
Happy with her plan, she turned into the street, breathing in the delicious aroma of the lemon-scented gums, and smiled as lorikeets zipped past low and loud, their bright blue feathers reminding her of Gabe’s eyes. Her phone buzzed as a text arrived and she pulled it out of her pocket
‘Need to see you. Dev.’
She sighed as threads of unease wove through her. Her fingers texted back, ‘Tomorrow—E’ and she promised herself she really would talk to him tomorrow—she owed him that after a week of brief phone calls and using work as an excuse not to see him. But she needed to be well rested and on top of things to have the hard conversation she knew she had to have with him.
She took the coast road, loving the sound of the pounding surf, and then struck back through ti-tree grove until she intersected with the lane that ran down the side of her garden. As she reached the corner, she heard the tinkle of a bell and her silver-grey Burmese jumped up onto the front fence with a plaintive ‘meow’ and nuzzled his face against hers.
‘What a lovely welcome home.’
‘I’m glad you think so because I was starting to think you were ignoring me.’
A tremor of shock ran through her as she turned from the cat. ‘Dev. ‘
‘Eleanor.’ He leaned in and kissed her cheek before his gaze swept across her tiny halter-bikini top and cutoff shorts. He opened the gate for her to pass through, his expression tinged with disapproval. ‘Where have you been?’
A spurt of exasperation fizzed inside her, followed by a rush of disappointment that he didn’t look at her with any hint of desire. If he had, perhaps her life wouldn’t be this current fiasco. Dream on, you know it wouldn’t change a thing because it’s not him you want.
Shut up!
‘I was at the rock-pools when a kid got bitten by a blue-ring octopus and I lost my favourite T-shirt to the cause. It doesn’t affect my ability to practise medicine, although Gabe had to convince the father I really was a doctor.’
Dev’s eyes narrowed as they stepped into the house. ‘I thought you had meetings in Hobart this morning.’
‘I did and then I went to do a practice rock-pool ramble so I’d be ready for next week and Gabe, his parents and children just happened to be there. ‘ She didn’t mention that the ramble had been her suggestion as a way of spending time with Gabe and the triplets, because she didn’t want to hurt Dev any more than she knew she would.
He fished into her clean laundry basket and silently handed her a T-shirt. She stared at it for a moment before accepting it with a sigh of resignation, and pulled it over her head. ‘Would you like a glass of wine?’ She grabbed a bottle from the fridge door, needing Dutch-courage for the conversation ahead.
‘No.’ He folded his arms across his chest. ‘I’m here because the town is rife with rumours about you and this Gabe Lewis. ‘
Guilt dragged through her. ‘I told you; I knew Gabe in Melbourne and we’re just friends.’ Make that trying to be friends. The lines seemed very blurred as they lurched from total strangers to a type of closeness that made her question if there might be something more between them. But whenever she did, the distance would surge back in, making her second-guess everything and leaving her more confused than ever.
She’d had a few guy friends in her adult life but none of those friendships had been anything like this. There were moments—like this afternoon when Gabe had strung Neptune’s necklace around her—when she swore he was looking at her like he wanted sex right there and then, but other times his gaze was cool and distant. Perhaps it really was impossible for ex-lovers to think they could ever be friends and they both needed to accept the ex meant estranged for ever.
Dev dropped his arms and stepped in close, staring down at her, his brown eyes serious and trusting.
Don’t trust me, Dev. I kissed another man without giving you a thought.
He spoke softly. ‘So I have nothing to worry about?’
She couldn’t meet his gaze and she stepped back in case he tried to touch her. ‘Dev, I’m telling you the truth. Gabe and I are just friends.’
‘I believe you, Eleanor.’
You shouldn’t. She gulped in a breath. ‘But we have been more than friends in the past.’
He stilled. ‘But that’s over now, right?’
Her heart cramped so hard she almost cried out. ‘Yes. That’s over. He only wants friendship.’
A light of comprehension dawned on Dev’s face, casting a shadow through his eyes. ‘But you want more than that?’
His words bounced around her, knocking into her like hailstones—jagged and harsh. With a rush of heart-wrenching clarity she realised that was exactly what she wanted. She wrung her hands. ‘Dev, I’m sorry.’
‘But he isn’t offering you a future, is he?’
‘No.’ One syllable had never been so hard to get out.
He shook his head as if trying to sort through the information. ‘He’s only here on holiday, Eleanor, and then he’ll leave. But we live here, we belong, and I can give you the family and the life you want.’
A tiny part of her so badly wanted to believe that because it would be the easy way out, but the once tempting thought no longer held any appeal. ‘I’m sorry, Dev. I thought I wanted what you’re offering, I really did, and I thought we could make it work, but there’s no chemistry.’
He snorted. ‘Chemistry’s overrated. We have a shot at married life filled with family and being part of Midden Cove because that’s what we both want. Are you prepared to throw away a chance with me for a lifetime of being alone and childless? Is that what you really want?’
Pain ricocheted through her hard and fast as his words sketched the truth like charcoal on paper. Solid, real and unavoidable—a life alone.
Once again he closed the gap between them. ‘Eleanor, my offer stands and I can forgive you this lapse if you promise me you won’t see him or any of his family again.’
She thought of Gabe and the triplets, of the fact that if she agreed, today would be the last time she spent any time with them. A hollow feeling opened up inside her. ‘And if I can’t promise you that? ‘
‘Then my offer’s null and void, and you’re a fool who’s throwing away what she wants most on an empty dream.’
Burning white pain crushed her as his words rained down on her. God help her, he was right. Dev was her last opportunity at marriage and a family, the thing she’d wanted so desperately two years ago that she’d left Gabe to chase it. Now Gabe had children but he didn’t want her, and Dev was her only chance.
Make sure this guy is the one.
Dev will give you a solid life and without him you’re alone.
But not even the stark truth could change her mind. I don’t love him. ‘Goodbye, Dev.’
He stared at her for a long moment, his expression stony, and then he silently turned and left. She heard the door slam and her breath whooshed out of her lungs as her body started shaking. With trembling hands, she somehow managed to open the wine bottle, poured an enormous glass and drank it down, trying hard to ignore Dev’s words, which ran on constant replay in her head.
You’re a fool with nothing.
Furious with him and herself, she tore off her T-shirt. ‘My bikini is perfectly respectable.’ She refilled the wineglass, opened an enormous packet of chips and fell onto the couch in a wave of despair. Perhaps I am a fool. Her cat came in through the cat-flap, jumped onto the couch, padded over to her lap and did his usual ceremonial circling until he sat down, purring. Tears threatened as she stroked him—she was going to become the crazy old lady with cats who died alone.
She drank more wine, ate chips and contemplated opening peppermint chocolate chip ice cream, but that meant getting up off the couch and disturbing Hector, and she lacked the energy to move. The heat of the cat trickled through her, the sun started to sink, the wine made her drowsy and she drifted off into an uneasy doze.
The sharp ring of her doorbell woke her with a start and Hector jumped down with a look of ha
ughty distain.
‘Don’t blame me, mate, I didn’t ring the bell.’ She immediately wondered who had and as she padded down the hall she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her usual neat bob of hair looked like she’d just touched a Van de Graff generator, and black rings circled her eyes. She couldn’t do anything about the circles but the hair she could control. Using her fingers, she tried to comb it into a slightly less wild state.
The bell rang again, this time for longer, as if someone was leaning on the button. It was rare for anyone to come to the house for medical care but she realised with a shock that if it was an emergency, she was going to have to ring Gabe to cover for her because she’d just drunk half a bottle of wine.
‘Coming.’ She hauled open the heavy oak front door and gaped. ‘Gabe?’
‘El.’
He stood on her veranda, and from his boat-shoe-clad feet to his the tips of his golden hair, which glinted in the fire of the setting sun, he was decadently handsome and completely out of reach to her. Heat and ice, need and want, desire and lust poured through her, leaving no space or crevice untouched.
He held up a bottle of wine. ‘I raced off before we debriefed.’
Mesmerised, she stared at him, barely hearing his words, and the tiny part of her brain that hadn’t leaked into a puddle of yearning thought there should be a law against him wearing royal blue. The colour made his eyes—eyes that were sweeping her from top to toe— light up with sparkle and shimmers as they morphed through every shade from azure to French navy.
His gaze roved up her legs, caressed her midriff and then lingered on her breasts, which instantly tingled and tightened, sending her nipples budding against the tiny triangles of Lycra. The rest of her body followed as tiny seeds of heat detonated, sending out more and more fire until her body was liquid heat, and her muscles melted. She swallowed a moan and gripped the door for support.
His body tensed and he raised his head to hers. Desire and need for her shone so brightly in his eyes that this time there was no way she could mistake it for anything else. He wanted her.
No, he wants your body.
I want his. So help her, she did.
You’re a fool with nothing and sex isn’t going to help.
Yes, it will.
She wanted to block out how she’d completely messed up her life with bad decisions. She needed to forget that wanting everything her own way, not trusting him or giving him time had led her to this point of being childless and alone. She knew without a doubt that Gabe would go back to his life in Melbourne and that she had no part in it, but she wanted to have sex with him just one more time before she faced the empty life she’d created for herself.
She reached out her hand, folding her fingers around his open-necked shirt and pulled herself into him. She rose up on tiptoe, her lips finding his, and it was like coming home. He tasted of cinnamon, coffee and happiness, and she wrapped her arms around his neck like she’d always done, and lost herself in the wonder of his mouth.
She sensed a slight hesitation in him and deepened the kiss, revisiting his mouth in a way only a past lover could, calling him back through powerful shared memories—the times they’d lost hours to exploring each other’s bodies. He groaned against her lips and reached around her, putting the wine on her hall table. Then his arms instantly circled her waist, holding her tightly against him and evaporating all space between them until their bodies moulded together as one.
Like two bolts of lightning colliding, his tongue met hers for an instant and then he plundered her mouth; going straight to the places that cranked simmering need into burning passion.
Heat spiralled inside her, filling her empty well, and need drove her onward because she wanted so much more than his mouth. Pulling his shirt free of his waistband, she ran her hands along his back, desperate to touch ripped muscle and golden skin and return to places she’d pined for since she’d left him.
His fingers buried themselves in her hair as his mouth left her lips, trailing across her cheek before his tongue started tracing the outline of her ear. Stars exploded behind her eyes, and her head tilted back both in invitation and demand, insisting that he extend his touch in a dance as old as time.
His mouth weaved its magic along her jaw and down her throat. Her breasts, heavy and throbbing, ached for the touch of his hand and as if reading her mind, his fingers slid under her halter top. When his thumb grazed her nipple, she bucked against him, and as his free hand gripped her buttock she rose up, wrapping her legs around his waist, desperate for any pressure against her quivering core.
Carrying her, he staggered backwards further into the house, and then he leaned her against the wall, his eyes burning with need. ‘Elly, what are we doing?’
His voice rasped out the words that should have acted as a brake to make her really think things though, but she didn’t want to listen. She cupped his face in her hands. ‘Having sex.’
His chest heaved as he leaned his forehead against hers and ground out the words, ‘Friends don’t have sex.’
She steeled herself against the searing pain that he only wanted her to be his friend. ‘So, we can be friends with benefits.’
Wide black discs obliterated the blue of his eyes. ‘El, are you sure this is all you want? Friendship and casual sex?’
No, I want much more but I’ll take this and make it work for me. Her throat tightened against the words. ‘Sure, why not? I’ve been working really hard and I deserve the occasional booty call while you’re here.’
He stilled. ‘And the other bloke?’
She didn’t want to talk about Dev or even think about him. She slid down his body, kissing him hard and fast, just the way he liked it. ‘Do you want to have sex with me or not?’
‘God, yes.’ He returned the kiss, taking her breath with it, and then broke away, running his hand through his hair in agitation. ‘We can’t.’
No, don’t say that. Frustration screamed in her veins. ‘We can. After all, there’s nothing stopping us.’
‘Common sense should be stopping us, Elly.’
The anguished expression on his face tore through her and suddenly she understood. She understood his fear and knew viscerally that his pain was her pain, but for a very different reason. ‘I’m not Jenna, Gabe. I’ve got condoms and you can use two if you want to. I promise you, I won’t get pregnant.’
But you’d like that more than anything because you love him.
Oh, dear God, she truly loved him. The realisation brought fresh waves of pain. She loved him with every part of her and he could never know.
His eyes stared into hers, grave and determined. ‘Elly, we can’t go back to the way we once were.’
His words rained down on her and she steeled herself against the inconvenient truth. Giving Gabe her best winning smile, she prepared to lie through her teeth as she took the first step on a road of preservation by self-delusion. ‘I’m just in this for the fun.’
She led him into her bedroom and stopped just in front of the bed, a heady wave of feminine power streaking through her and burying the truth. ‘And now I want to see you naked.’
His eyes sparkled. ‘You’re seducing me so shouldn’t you be the one getting naked?’
‘I prefer it this way.’
‘Fine.’ The word came out deep and husky as the strands of their history pulled them closer together. ‘There’s just one rule and that’s you can look but not touch. You break it and we play by my rules.’
She laughed. ‘Easy.’
One brow rose but his gaze stayed fixed on her face as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off his wide, tanned shoulders.
Her palms tingled as she feasted on the sight of his sculpted chest, remembering how amazing it felt to touch—toned and tough yet silky soft—then, as he dropped the shirt at her feet, her eyes drifted to his abdomen and the trail of golden hair that speared downward to the prize below. Her breath came faster.
His fingers rested on his belt. ‘So
how’s this working for you?’
‘Great.’ The word sounded strangled as her body throbbed and demanded to be sated.
His laugh was wicked and, oh, so slowly he pulled the leather through the silver buckle and then slid the entire length free of the bands. His eyes bored into her so full of unmasked desire and with a need that matched her own, that it took every ounce of control not to throw her arms around his neck.
His hands settled on his waistband and he undid the button. The pants slipped to mid-hip, exposing the designer band of his boxers. His fingers eased the material millimetre by millimetre, excruciatingly slowly, and over the bulge within.
Her gaze was fixed on the bunched material and her body vibrated with anticipation as she remembered how beautiful he was—how long and hard and smooth and hot. Her blood pounded so fast she swayed, and her muscles screamed for him. Suddenly her feet were moving and her hands were on him, tugging the shorts out of the way, desperate to touch and taste and hold and caress.
Then his hands were on her, her feet were off the floor and her back abruptly slammed against the bed. His laughter rained down on her as he gently pinned her under him by straddling her on all fours.
‘Hey!’ She mock protested, reaching up to stroke his face.
He brushed her lips with his. ‘You broke, so it’s my rules now.’
‘You didn’t play fair.’
He grinned, his eyes glinting with anticipation. ‘I played to win and now you just have to wait your turn.’
His hands brought hers above her head and she let him hold them there, her trust in him absolute. His mouth started a long, slow, burning trail from her mouth, down her jaw, and along her neck, while his hand undid her halter top. It fell away and then his mouth covered her breast and he suckled her, his tongue abrading the nipple. Streams of wonder unfurled from deep inside her, pouring through her, building on each other and tantalising her until her head thrashed against the pillow with the sheer frustration of it not being enough.