A Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth

by Gerhard Gehrke

  CHAPTER 32

  THE REGROUPED CLYPTUS stood around the fallen Grey. Its face hurt from where the human female had punched it. Gravel dug into its back. The air of the human world tasted like burned carbon and sewage. And Whistle still lay in the gravel nearby, the Clyptus paralytic agent working its magic. The Grey wanted to strangle something. It sat up. Tiny Clyptus hand darts pointed at the Grey's face.

  “Wake up,” the Clyptus Captain said. “You are a deceiver. You spoke of vendetta to our alliance. You are the one that had us come here. And then you stop us. Why?”

  The Grey put a finger to one of the darts and pushed it aside. The Grey stood. Some of the Clyptus backed off but not their Captain. His dart moved within an inch of the Grey's right eye.

  “The human,” the Grey said.

  “Yes, the human,” the Clyptus said. “We had it. It was in our grasp. Because of you we lost it, and your body servant hurt and killed many of us.” The dart never wavered.

  “We need him intact,” the Grey said. “While you were here hunting, something has happened at the Commons. The human, maybe many of them, have somehow attacked the Commons.”

  “Not possible. They are treacherous. Jeff Abel is a knave. But they are stupid.”

  The Grey gently moved the Captain's dart back.

  “You are correct,” the Grey said. It fought hard to keep its voice even and to mask the anger of having to deal with another setback from an obtuse and stupid member of the Commons. “They are treacherous. And stupid. But even the most stupid plant can drop seed into a clever hiding spot, can it not?”

  The Clyptus Captain considered.

  “Though stupid,” the Grey said, “this Jeff Abel is resourceful and may have help. Someone from the Commons. Someone clever.”

  “The technician Oliop,” the Clyptus said. “He is clever and helping the human. But why did you have your servant attack us? We had Jeff Abel.”

  “I now need him to help the Commons. I need him intact. Whistle was stopping you from damaging him or killing him.”

  “But the vendetta!”

  “Will have to wait.” The Grey checked its wrists and then its null-space pockets. Its translation scrambler and the elevator access key were missing. It gritted its teeth. Exhaled. Forced calm as was its species' hallmark. “Without Jeff Abel, the Commons may suffer irreparable damage.”

  “Where did the Jeff Abel go then?” the Clyptus asked.

  The Grey looked around. The elevator was gone. The bottled up anger began to play out on its face. Its brow furled, and it began to tremble.

  “Maybe not so stupid,” the Clyptus said, noting the Grey's reaction.

  The Grey wanted to light the Clyptus on fire. Blast it with an energy weapon. Stab it. But it had no weapons. “Shut up,” the Grey said under its breath.

  “Maybe not so stupid and maybe you shouldn't have stopped us,” the Clyptus said. Plants rarely sound self-pleased, but this one did.

  “Whistle,” the Grey barked. Whistle still wasn't moving.

  “Paralytic will dissolve from her system in an hour,” the Clyptus said. “Typical organic forms should consume water to ease aftereffects. May have slightly dry mouth and headache.”

  The Grey walked over to Whistle's fallen mass. It tapped her with its foot, but she didn't stir.

  “Captain,” the Grey said. “Where is your ship?”

  ***

  “So we're actually going to an alien world?” Jordan asked. “Is there anything I need to know about for the flight? Injections? Special jumpsuit like yours? Should I take a seat to help with the G's?”

  The elevator's interior had no seats and not much in the way of furnishings, except for the free standing console in its center. Lights along the ceiling and wall glowed orange and red.

  “It's kind of anticlimactic, really,” Jeff said.

  “As if you've done this so often?” she asked.

  Oliop hit a lever and the lights inside of the room changed, shifted, and dimmed. Jeff shot a finger at Oliop and winked. “We're here,” Oliop said.

  “See?” Jeff said. “Anticlimactic.”

  The door hinged open and revealed a typical Commons elevator platform, replete with crane attachments for vehicles, cables, and ramps. Two figures stood nearby, each with two arms and two legs, roughly human-sized, and both wearing brown suits. One had a mottled face, no hair, built tall and thin. He had a crusty look to him. The other had purple skin and short tentacles that dangled down his face underneath two large eyes. He was slowly chewing on something.

  The one with the mottled face pulled a key from a console. The elevator powered down.

  “Eep,” Oliop said as they stepped from the now-dark elevator. “Cops.”

  Jeff helped Jordan as she limped along with her numb leg.

  “Hello, humans,” the mottled face cop said. “I'm Captain Flemming and this is Detective Ceph.”

  The tentacled detective's face worked out a sort of grin as it smacked and crunched on whatever was in its mouth.

  From around the hangar and points beyond, alarms rang and lights flashed. Flemming stepped up to the three, and Ceph fell in behind him. The two cops looked unarmed, but that didn't mean they couldn't produce an arsenal at a moment's notice from the ubiquitous other-dimension pockets.

  “You seem to be the epicenter of some mischief,” Flemming said. He had to speak up to be heard. He looked Jeff up and down, cocked his head at Oliop, and smiled at Jordan.

  To Jeff, the sound and noise throughout the terminal felt like walking into a foreign language rock concert with strobe lights blinking over the audience. He felt numb and disoriented. Was all this for him? Overlapping meanings of the varied messages piped into his head. “Attention.” “Alert.” “For your safety...” “Give attention to the nearest security bot...” “No pushing other beings during this temporary...” Then the directives died down, still echoing around them as they played on other levels of the transportation complex. At least for now, the lull in the alarm allowed them to hear one another.

  “I'd say let's go somewhere to talk, but it's even louder outside,” Flemming said. “We can't seem to shut the alarm off, and it's citywide.”

  “If this is how loud this place is all the time, I want to go back home,” Jordan said.

  “Not normal,” Ceph said. “It signifies nothing.”

  Jordan laughed.

  Flemming sighed. “I'm not going to have any trouble with you, am I?”

  “Nope,” Oliop said, but Jeff saw that Flemming was speaking to him.

  Jeff said, “With all respect, the trouble keeps finding me. I've been attacked by a big dark alien, a little grey one, some spiders in human costumes, and some plants. I didn't start any of this, and I'm not sure how to get out of it.”

  Flemming nodded. Jordan offered a hand. “I'm Jordan.”

  Flemming shook her hand and gave a slight bow. Jordan's face lit up with a big smile.

  “So what world is this?” she asked. “Is it yours?”

  “This is the Galactic Commons,” Flemming said. “Not just this. Outside of this hangar is a community of the intelligent beings of the local area of this galaxy. Your species is an unregistered one. There seems to be some intrigue involved in contacting you through the normal channels.”

  “Oliop seems to know who the players are,” Jeff said.

  Flemming raised a ridge above his right eye. “Technician? What do you know?”

  Oliop swallowed hard, thought for a moment. He fiddled with his fingers. “The, uh, Happy Alien Welcome Committee was trying to contact Jeff Abel.”

  Jeff raised his hand in a slight wave. “That's me.” Jeff felt minor relief in actually meeting an extraterrestrial that didn't already know him.

  “First contact failed,” Oliop said.

  “Yes, I read about that,” Flemming said. “Some bad luck. As did subsequent efforts.”

  Oliop nodded. “So Head Grey decided humans did it on purpose. Formed Alien Vendetta Alliance.”<
br />
  “I didn't read about that,” Flemming said. “Go on.” His face darkened. Jeff noted that the Captain's skin moved like shifting grains of sand.

  “So Grey and other members of Alliance have been going to Earth and disturbing humans.”

  “And how do you know about this secret alliance?” Flemming asked.

  “They needed tech support,” Oliop said with a grin that faded fast as he looked at Flemming and Ceph's unsmiling expressions.

  “So how did all this happen, and why are these humans here?”

  “I don't know,” Oliop said. “Found Jeff Abel in Grey's private ship hangar here at the Commons.”

  “Oliop rescued me,” Jeff said.

  Flemming nodded. “This is very tricky. Each being's private hangar is a sovereign space earned by its supporting the Commons through service. But an abuse like this is something we'll have to address later. The security of the entire city is currently compromised, and I can't seem to figure out how you fit in with all of this.”

  “There's one more thing,” Oliop said.

  “Spit it out,” Ceph said.

  “There's Bunnie on the human world,” Oliop said. “On Earth.”

  Ceph and Flemming looked at each other. Flemming's skin trembled, a shifting effect moving between a yellowish brown to rusty orange tones. He loosened his collar and cleared his throat.

  “That's not possible,” Flemming said.

  “It's true,” Jordan said. “But Bunnie is a funny name. More like giant spidery things that weave webs and wear suits that make them look human. They captured us; we stole one of their ships. They're quite mean, you know.”

  “It would have taken them a dozen lifetimes just to get to earth,” Flemming said. “They're cut off. They're not a member of the Commons for reasons left to the city leaders and historians, but everyone knows that they were incompatible with the Commons core principles. Whatever it was that disqualified them was bad enough that no one even speaks of them anymore. And they don't have access to our transportation systems.”

  “They're there all right,” Jeff said. “And they seem to be after me and involved with the Grey somehow.”

  “But why Earth?” Flemming said.

  “Maybe they're jealous,” Jordan said. “They don't want humans to have what they couldn't.”

  “But the sheer effort to get to your planet from theirs...”

  “They're pissed-off spiders,” Jordan said. “Who can understand that?”

  “So now what?” Jeff asked.

  “I take you in,” Flemming said. “We need to untangle this mess and figure out what's going on with the city. You're at the center of it whether you like it or not. And I'm not letting you out of my sight.”

  Ceph gave a nod. “Like a barnacle,” he said.

  The alarms began on their level of the terminal again, their repeating cycle of warnings making further discussion difficult. Flemming beckoned them forward. Ceph followed behind. Jeff was certain there was no choice being offered them. He'd have to trust the cop for now or at least go along with him. They headed up the ramps and took a door to the surface street. The noise outside was indeed deafening. Jeff wanted nothing more than to take the translator out and find a place away from so many other creatures. Jordan just gaped at the crowd that moved into and out of the elevator terminals. Her smile broadened. Jeff knew that for her, this was some realized dream, alarms and Bunnie not putting a damper on any of it. Creatures of every shape and size moved along, paying them no mind. Many of the varied passersby had hands and limbs blocking their ears.

  Captain Flemming hesitated. “This is no good,” he shouted. “And it's worse at Security HQ.”

  “I have a suggestion,” Oliop said. “Maybe we should see Fizz instead.”

  CHAPTER 33

  STUCK ON THE HUMAN WORLD, the Head Grey, along with a stiffly shuffling Whistle and a platoon of Clyptus, was walking down the street when a human in a dark suit approached them. Behind the man were a half dozen hunching, spidery Bunnie, large and unrestrained by human disguises. Their many limbs were tucked in, giving them the appearance of hairy clenched fists that wobbled on thin legs. The two groups stopped and faced one another. No one spoke. The human town around them was silent, the gunfire and sounds of battle faded.

  Both parties raised their weapons. Whistle tensed and stepped in front of the Grey. The Clyptus began to tremble at the sight of the Bunnie. They whispered among themselves, but the Grey shushed them.

  “You,” Not-Kim said. He no longer wore any of his old disguise. He stepped past the one Bunnie still in human clothes and unfolded his many arms. The Bunnie easily stood eye to eye with Whistle but got low to look at the Grey. “You are on the human world now. You forgot us and our arrangement.” His voice came out as a raspy hiss. His red jewel eyes shined brightly in the sunlight.

  “No I haven't forgotten our arrangement,” the Grey said. It stepped from behind Whistle and looked up at the Bunnie. Unlike the Clyptus and much of the rest of the Commons, the Grey didn't fear the spidery creatures. It just didn't want to get shot by them.

  “What arrangement?” the Clyptus Captain asked.

  The Grey ignored him. To the Bunnie it said, “There's been a setback. That's all that's happened. Nothing has changed.”

  “You've ignored our attempts to communicate,” Not-Kim said. “We have been left in the dark. We have waited too long.”

  “What arrangement?” the Clyptus asked again. “Why are you speaking with the Bunnie? Why do they have translator units?”

  “There have been complications that have only delayed our plans,” the Grey said. “I've come under some scrutiny, which has impeded my ability to communicate. There's another obstacle that I need to deal with right now.” The Grey jerked a thumb towards the remaining troop of Clyptus. “Can you help me with this so we can get this show on the road?”

  The Grey moved around Whistle so her body would act like a shield for what came next. Not-Kim sighed. With one twitch his troops spread out. They extended their many arms. Some brandished so many weapons, both human and Bunnie, that they looked like dead trees decorated with ornaments.

  The Clyptus Captain started muttering, not grasping the situation. His attention divided, he looked at the Bunnie, then at Whistle and the Grey. The Grey found the Captain's confusion most amusing.

  “Betrayer,” the Clyptus said as realization settled in. “Betrayer!”

  He raised his energy weapon and fired at the Grey. The Grey squeezed close to Whistle. The other Clyptus fired, too, but to no effect. The yellow beams of their tiny stunners dispersed harmlessly into Whistle. Whistle grunted with pleasure with each hit as she protected the Grey from the barrage. The Grey wondered if the Clyptus had ever bothered to read up on Whistle's species. True, their darts could find a weak spot, but their stun weapons would do nothing. Still, a few Clyptus had the presence of mind to fire at the Bunnie. A few found their marks. But when the Bunnie fired back, the Clyptus Captain and his command were obliterated in a storm of blaster bolts and bullets.

  When it was over, Not-Kim leaned over the Grey. His mandibles clicked. He said, “We trusted you before. We felt like fools for trusting you when you didn't contact us. Yet here we are trusting you again. Tell us why we shouldn't eliminate you and take matters into our own hands?”

  “Because I have access to the Clyptus ship,” the Grey said. “And they have a ship's elevator nearby. Preparations have already begun, and we are in the final phase. This is good news. Get your people ready. Soon, you will have your entry in the Galactic Commons.”

  Not-Kim twitched. He considered the Grey and Whistle and his own remaining Bunnie that weren't stunned by the Clyptus. “Then go find your ship and do what you have to do. I will call the rest of my people and do the same. I will assemble them and signal you with our beacon. Finish your final part of the deal, or we will remember you, false Grey. We will remember.”

  The Grey watched Not-Kim turn and give orders to his soldiers.
With the Clyptus problem handled, things were getting back on track. The Grey pointed at the fallen Clyptus Captain. Whistle got down on a knee and went through his pockets. She produced a silver key card and gave the Grey a nod.

  The Bunnie departed, carrying three of their number that couldn't walk. Two stayed behind.

  “We will go with you,” one said with a hiss.

  “Then don't slow us down,” the Grey said. “We must find the Clyptus ship.”

  The two Bunnie followed the Grey and Whistle through the back alleys of Stuart Lake in search of the Clyptus ship. The streets were abandoned. They saw no humans about. The Grey moved with confidence, walking past homes and a school and many parked cars. Vehicles were everywhere, more than actual residents of this human town. The Grey chalked that up to another foible of an inferior species. The Grey scanned the tops of the buildings, his gaze fixing on a nearby sports field and a grove of trees beyond. If the Grey hadn't done its homework, the group may have missed it. They crossed the field. The Clyptus ship was tucked in the middle of a stand of poplar trees, its hull tall, slender, and colored in sporadic yellows and greens for camouflage. The ship looked impossibly narrow, and upon inspection, the Grey said, “I don't think we're going to fit.”

  Whistle found the hatchway to the ship's interior. She swiped the silver card key down a track and the ship opened. The hatch could accommodate three Clyptus side-by-side, which meant her frame would never pass through the door, let alone one of her arms. The Grey squeezed inside. The fit was tight, but the ship was the only option to return back to the Commons.

  “Go back to your commander,” the Grey said. The words echoed about like being inside a metal can. “Whistle, go with them, and I'll be able to respond to the beacon shortly.” When it didn't hear an answer, it looked back out the tiny hatchway.

  Whistle gave the two Bunnie a look, then her boss. She never changed expression but the Grey caught the hesitation.

  The Grey said, “It will be fine. I'll come for you.”

  Whistle grunted and stepped away from the ship. One of the Bunnie crouched down to the door. His head poked through, and he gave the ship's interior an examination.