by Aqua Allsopp
“Hey, darlin’ two more of these on my tab please.” Oberlin interrupts himself from chiding Gunnery Sergeant Jost to bark out an order to a bar server.
“Sure thing big-man,” she says as she squeezes Oberlin’s muscle bound bicep, that’s gripping his nearly empty glass of Makers Mark, Kentucky bourbon, feeling confident that she’s just increased her end of the night tip by $20.00 with this little stroke of Oberlin’s ego.
The talented server managed to keep her dignity and the drinks flowing while serving Oberlin’s raucous group. Earning a $150.00 gratuity from this single table in her station.
*****
Having had a little too much to drink, Jost hops into one of the taxis waiting outside of the bar as a part of their nightly routine of picking up intoxicated patrons at the end of the night. Arriving at his in-laws in a taxi, he decides to crawl into bed with his son Zack rather than waking him up to a taxi-ride in the early morning hours.
Jost kissed his son sweetly on the forehead, and even in his drunken haze, he silently prays; “God please let Zack be alright.”
“Dad, you smell like whiskey.” With closed eyes, a grumpy, sleepy, Zack whines.
“I know son, it was my going away party, forgive me?”
Zack, hearing the sadness in his father’s voice was suddenly more alert. Opening his eyes to stare into his father’s face in the darkened room, illuminated by only the digital time on the cable television device sitting on a small television stand in the guest room of his deceased mother’s parent’s home. “It’s okay Dad, I’m glad you had a good time with your buddies. Was Godfather there?”
“Yeah. Ha, ha, he’s the reason I’m in this state in the first place. He made sure the drinks kept flowing all night, ha, ha, ha. That Oberlin can sure drink me under the table. Get some sleep kid, we have a busy day tomorrow.”
“We do? What are we doing?”
“Yeah, we need to figure out what I’m going to do with myself now that I’ve left the Marine Corp. But don’t worry, we’ll figure it out together, alright buddy?” Jost asked as he gave his boy another kiss, on the cheek, rubbing his little face tenderly with hands as rough as course sandpaper.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?
“You really reek Dad, don’t kiss me again until you brush your teeth,” Zack said.
“I stink huh? Well, take this, huh, huh, huh.”
“Ha, ha, Dad, stop, your breath is singeing my eyebrows, I’m getting drunk off the fumes, ha, ha, you’re killing me, ha, ha, ha, ha.” Zack laughed as his father exhaled deeply into his face, torturing him with whiskey breath and tickles at 3:00 a.m.
The father and son fell asleep with the pleasant thoughts of their close-knit bond swimming in their heads.
*****
Zack was awoken by a familiar smell that pulled him out of deep sleep and into the world of activity. He sat up in the bed with a start and said out loud. “Pancakes!”
The sound of his son’s excited voice and the jerk of the shared bed, sent a shot of adrenaline through Gunnery Sergeant Jost’s body, making him instantly alert and wild-eyed.
Seeing the curly, mop-headed, blond boy, with marble-sized blue eyes staring at him with a smiling face saying, “Dad, pancakes!” Caused Jost to put the brakes on his fight or flight response and instead, adjusts his speech and behavior to his son’s level of excitement.
His Marine trained, muscle memory told his body to prepare to fight or flee, but it soon became painfully clear to him that his state of alertness was inappropriate for the situation.
This biochemical response, mental adjustment, and rehearsed behavior was for his son’s benefit, and it made Jost feel like he had it all under control, but Zack wasn’t fooled. He noticed his father’s initial, somewhat scary response, but he loves him too much to mention it. He knew that his dad was trying really hard to “get better”.
For a second, he felt that sudden pang in his belly the way that he did every time that he missed his mom and wished she were here.
Jost noticed the flash of pain and fear across his son’s face, but like Zack, he loves his son too much to mention it.
Instead, he said, “I don’t smell pancakes, I smell bacon, and coffee—I swear your Grandma’s a saint for making breakfast this morning.”
“I’m using the bathroom first to get downstairs before you do scamp.” Jost said as he jumped off the bed and ran to the bathroom, allowing Zack to race past him.
“Ha, ha, ha, you’re getting slow Marine, see you downstairs, maybe I’ll save you a pancake Dad.”
“That’s right Gunny, fake it till you make it”, Jost muttered to himself. “Just like the Marine base psychiatrist said,” Jost whispered. Gunny Jost was in the throes of intensive therapy for Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) when his wife Rebecca began the fight for her life. She was the glue that kept their family together, his rock, his love, his best friend, and now she’s gone.
Jost had prided himself on being a loving and involved parent, even through two combat deployments, long separations, and much longer hours when he was at his home base at Twentynine Palms. When after returning home from serving in Iraq, he was diagnosed with PTS, he got help right away.
Jost remembered his father telling him how much his own father had changed after coming home from Vietnam, and how he loved his father but was afraid of his temper, his drinking, and his dark moods.
Jost recalled how his grandfather always wanted to be left alone to tinker in his woodshed, and how his father and grandfather barely said more than hello, goodbye, and a little small talk about sports. Jost wanted a different relationship with his son and immediately sought help for his anxiety, hypervigilance, and depression.
He has come a long way from being the guy who couldn’t handle more than 10-minutes in a grocery store to the person he is today, but he knows that he is still working on adjusting to being back “in the world”, at home with friends and family and the pressures of everyday life.
With Rebecca gone, Jost knew that he had to make good on his promise to the love of his life to take good care of her baby boy, and he can’t do that if he’s always off on an assignment for the Marine Corp, or zoned out on the handful of pills the base doctors prescribed for him to take each day.
Now that the worst was over, he was trying to manage his mood disorder with exercise, meditation, a healthy diet, and peaceful living. He hated to leave the Corp but he had to put his son’s needs first. He just needed to figure out what to do next. Rebecca’s life insurance wouldn’t last forever, and most of it is set aside for Zack’s college education, so he needed to find a job in the coming months.
*****
When Gunnery Sargent Bill Jost came down to breakfast, Zack and his grandparents were already eating pancakes. “Good morning Mom”, Jost said to his mother-in-law, with a kiss on her cheek. “Morning Dad, how’d the Steelers play last night?” Jost asked, his father-in-law as he sat down and poured a cup of coffee.
“Ah, don’t rub salt in an open wound, Bill, you know the score just as well as I do,” Roger said with a grimace and a half grin, as he flipped through the morning paper.
Roger and his wife, Ann are Rebecca’s parents, and Jost’s parents too, now that his own mother and father are deceased. As the only child in a family that isn’t close, Bill Jost felt pretty alone until he met Rebecca, her brother Pete, and her mom and dad.
“Bill, Zack said the two of you were going to plan what you’re going to do with yourself now that you’re out of the Marines. I thought that you said you have a little nest egg and the insurance too, must you go back to work so soon? You really haven’t had time to adjust to things with it being just you and Zack now,” Ann said.
“We’re fine Mom, there’s no hurry, but I’d feel better with a plan. There’s no reason why I need to stay here in San Bernardino now that I’m out of the Corp, but there’s no big push to leave either.”
“Zack, what do you think?” his father asked.
�
�Dad, I hate my school, I don’t have any friends, and I think the only reason the bullies leave me alone is because my dad’s a Marine, so if we have to move I’m all in!”
“Well I have an idea guys,” Ann said, “Dad and I need to go back to Lancaster to see about finding a new renter for our house. We thought that we’d stay here a while longer with you to help out with Zack and whatever else you need. How about we all drive across country to Pennsylvania Dutch country? We could enjoy a nice family trip together, take care of our business with the house, and tour Amish country for a while?”
“That’s a wonderful idea honey!” Roger said to his wife.
“Well you married me for my brains didn’t you?” Ann quipped.
“No, it was because of those great legs you’ve got,” Roger said as he playfully tugged at the hem of Ann’s dress.
“Oh, Roger you’re incorrigible!” Ann said, slapping his hand away, as she blushed like a teenager.
Bill laughed, but he felt a little pang of grief in his belly as his mind wandered to the thought of no longer being able to make his Rebecca blush.
“A cross-country trip sounds great actually, but I think Zack and I need a little time alone to really get to know each other. I’ve spent a lot of time away from him, maybe we guys should take some time to ourselves. What if we drive your camper to Pennsylvania for you and you guys fly home? We’ll meet you in Lancaster and visit at your place for a while, what do you say?”
Ann and Roger look at each other and silently come to an agreement, a skill that comes from having a long-term, healthy relationship. Roger answered with, “That sounds great Bill, what do you say we leave next week?”
“Zack, your last day of school is on Wednesday, are you up for a road-trip?”
“I’ll start packing as soon as I get home,” Zack said.
All of the adults laughed, then Ann said, “Well it’s settled, Pennsylvania Dutch country here we come!”
*****
“Bye Grandma, I’ll see you in two weeks,” Zack said as he hugged his grandparents tight before leaving them at the airport.
He felt a little sad as he and his dad climbed into his grandfather’s vintage Airstream travel trailer to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything. “It smells like Grandfather’s pipe and looks like Grandmother’s kitchen,” Zack quietly said to himself. He could hear his mom’s laugh when his grandfather sang Hippy songs from the ‘70s, and looking at his dad’s face, Zack knew that he was feeling it too.
“Alright buddy, it looks like everything is battened down and ready to go. So let’s hop in the truck and hit the road!” said Jost.
“Let’s do it, Dad!” Zack yelled as he jumped the two steps down to the ground and ran to the door of his grandfather’s Ford F150 truck.
Zack was the first to break the silence between him and his dad, asking, “Dad, what is Pennsylvania Dutch country?”
“It’s a place in Lancaster, Pennsylvania where a group of people of the Amish Christian faith lives.”
“We’re Christian and people don’t come to vacation where we live, what’s so different about the Amish?”
“Good question Son. Well, the Amish came to the United States in the 1720s. They’re from Swiss and German heritage, also known as Deutch, So they’re not actually Dutch, they’re Deutch.
They came to America for religious freedom and they set up colonies in a few Northeastern and Midwestern states with religious and social rules that follow a book called an Ordnung or ordinance. They pretty much live the same way that their ancestors lived 300-years ago.”
“So the Amish religion and culture are what makes visiting where they live a fun thing to do when you’re on vacation?” Zack asked.
“Well yes, because they dress like they’re back in the 1700s, they speak a type of German, but they speak English too, they don’t use electricity or cars, so they have pretty simple lives, compared to ours. Don’t you think it would be interesting to see how other people’s lives are different from ours?”
“Yeah, I want to know how they live without TV and the Internet? How is that possible Dad?”
“It’s possible, I do it all the time when I’m downrange. Do you want to try it? Let’s go without technology and television on our trip, and we’ll only use the phone to check-in with your Grandma because she’ll kill me if I don’t call her.”
“Okay, Dad, let’s rough-it, no TV, iPad, or cell phone except for calls to Grandma and Grandpa.”
“Deal Zack! In fact, I’m turning off the GPS and we’ll use your Grandad’s maps to guide us to our destination. Why don’t you grab them out of the pocket behind your seat and orient yourself to our current location on the map—copilot.”
“Sir, yes sir!” Zack said with a crisp salute, then reach into the pocket behind his seat to pull out an armful of maps of the United States. Zack busied himself for a couple of hours, pouring over maps like a general preparing to send his troops into battle.
“I don’t know if he knows what he’s doing but he has the right map-book and he’s not holding it upside down so that’s a good start.” Jost chuckled to himself at the sight of his little boy’s confidence at being able to complete the task at hand. “Becca, I must be doing at least something right.” He smiled at his wife’s ever-present spirit.
“Okay Dad, on I-40 East, at 65 miles per hour you should reach I-81 North in 37-hours. I have my watch set to go off in 35-hours so that I can help make sure you don’t miss our exit. When you start to feel sleepy let’s make camp for the night. Sound like a good plan Dad?”
“Buddy, I couldn’t have done better navigating myself. Give me some little man!” Zack’s face lit up like Times Square on New Year’s Eve to hear his father’s enthusiastic praise. He reached over and gave his dad a fist bump, then settled back into his seat, still grinning from ear-to-ear.
*****
“There it is Dad!” Jost followed Zack’s finger pointing to a sign and pulled into the Las Vegas KOA campground in Tom’s Town just after dark. He and Zack busied themselves setting up the airstream for the night. They roasted hot dogs, cooked baked beans, and ate homemade brownies, courtesy of grandma, for dessert. Then, Jost and his son take a walk through several trails around the campground to stretch their legs before going to bed.
“Hey, Dad, this camper with a hot shower sure beats a cold dip in the lake like we usually do for bathing on camping trips.”
“Don’t get too soft on me Scamp, we have to give this thing back to your Grandfather.” After a quick call to his grandparents, Zack climbed into the large, plush bed next to his Dad and they talked and laughed until falling asleep late into the night.
Jost hasn’t gotten the Corp out of his system yet, so his body automatically woke up at 0400-hours, ready to get physical. “Zack,” Jost whispered over the shoulder of his sleeping boy, “I’m going for a run, I’ll be back in an hour. Stay inside the camper until I get back, okay?”
Like a flash, Zack jumped up out of bed and grabbed his duffle bag to find some athletic gear.
“I’m going with you, Dad!” Zack yelled.
“Okay Son, I’m happy to have you do Physical Training (PT) with me this morning.”
“More PT sir, more PT, I like it, I love it, I want more of it!”
“Uh, how about the civilian version of that son?” I’m not in the Corp anymore.”
“Once a Marine, always a Marine Dad—Semper Fi!” Zack said.
“Yes, always faithful to the Corp, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t act like an average Joe on the streets, you know, like those laid back Californians you like.”
“But I thought you like it when I act like you Dad?”
“Only if that’s really how you feel on the inside, and I suspect it’s not son, and that’s okay. I see you, Son. You’re a slow moving, easy going, I love everybody kind and I hope they love me back, kind of guy who loves nature and his family, appreciates art and enjoys learning new things and stretching his mind. Does that about
sum it up?”
Zack was staring up at his father with his mouth open and eyes wide. Suddenly, he hugged his father’s waist and said, “You really do see me, Dad, thanks, Dad, that’s awesome!”
Jost was pretty proud of himself in that moment, feeling like he took another step towards being the kind of father that he knew he could be. But the funny thing is that in that moment of vulnerability that he shared with his son, he feels like he got more out of it than he gave to Zack. “Note to self—be more vulnerable!” Jost said to himself.
The pair walked out into the dry air and took off at a slow trot with Zack setting the pace. As the sun came up they took note of how the vegetation was only slightly different from that in California and tried to name the birds that they could hear and see. After a hardy breakfast, they were back on I-81 North heading to Lancaster.
Each day on the road followed a similar routine. A 2-5 mile run before breakfast, stopping around noon and eating the bag lunches they prepared that morning, and setting up camp at a KOA campground, sometimes around dusk and other times riding into the night like a pair of truckers on a long haul.
The time that they spent bonding over odd and wondrous sites, the people that they met along the way, and questions that popped into the mind of a young boy who is comfortable talking with his father, made for fun and interesting times.
“You know Dad, I don’t even miss television, computer time, or even playing video games. I like it when we talk.”
“I do too Son, and I’ve learned something these past few days.”
“What’s that Dad?”
“I learned that you’re alright. What I mean is I like you. If you were just a guy that I met on the baseball field, or in church, or even at work or something I’d like you and want to be friends with you.”