I rolled my eyes. "I've seen both of you ride, and I wouldn't stand a chance. I'd much rather have a good view." I opened the door and gestured for her to go ahead of me.
"Now I'm even more intrigued." Ella darted past me, and I had to run to catch up to her.
After running down the stairs, we tumbled into the breakfast room to see that Gavin and James were the only ones taking their meal. They both stood.
Gavin crossed to Ella and wrapped her hand over his arm. "Good morning, indecorous wife."
James's eyes widened in shock and I smothered a laugh.
"We must be quick," Ella told him as she hurried to sit down. "From what Marilee says, Mr. Sutton will be a real challenge in a horse race."
"I'm fairly certain I should be insulted," Gavin said with a grin, as he pushed Ella's chair under her.
She flashed him a smile so filled with adoration that the likelihood of him being insulted was nonexistent. "You challenge me in different ways," she said with a wink. I had forgotten how much I loved watching these two.
"Where is Guinevere?" I asked, realizing that the littlest member of their family was nowhere to be seen.
"She is dressed, fed, and out admiring the horses with Lorraina."
"Well then, we've no time to waste."
James helped me with my chair then sank into his own. "Why do I get the feeling that I have no idea what I've gotten myself into?"
"Don't worry," I assured him. "This is going to be fun. Just don't underestimate Ella."
In under half an hour, we had finished eating and were headed to the stables.
"I'm surprised I didn't see Lylin or Lord Fallon," I commented as we descended the steps.
"They'll be there," Ella said. "I'm guessing they've already eaten and gone."
She was right. We arrived at the stables to find Lord Fallon and Lylin both in riding attire. It seemed they would be joining the race as well, while Lorraina, Guin, Gavin and I would watch. Having never met Lord Fallon before yesterday, I wondered how he would compare to James's superb skill.
We all took a leisurely walk out to the long field that bordered the wall surrounding the palace grounds. We left the competitors at the designated starting line while the rest of us walked to the finish.
From the moment the race started, it was clear that the real competitors were Ella and James. They were neck and neck for the first stretch, and Ella managed to nudge ahead just a little bit before James overtook her.
Amid shouts of "Come on, love!" from Gavin and "You can do it, Mommy!" from Guin, I shouted at the top of my voice for James and was not disappointed when he crossed the finish line more than a horse length ahead of Ella. As they slowed their horses and circled back, Lylin and Rhys crossed the line with Lylin barely in the lead.
Despite her defeat, Ella was beaming and flushed as she walked her horse back toward us. "That was marvelous! He's a fantastic rider, Marilee."
"You say that as though I can take some sort of credit for his abilities."
She just laughed.
James shook his head in amusement and dismounted, giving Captain a pat on the neck before grabbing the reins and walking over to join me.
Lylin and Rhys trotted their horses back. "I can't believe you let me win," Lylin accused Lord Fallon.
He just shrugged and swung down before reaching to assist her in her descent. "How do you know I let you?"
"Your horse is three hands taller than mine. Even if we discounted my mediocre skill, that alone would have won the race for you."
He kissed her nose. "You're adorable when you're angry."
Lylin wrinkled her nose as she tried to maintain her scowl but couldn't.
"Would you like a hand down?" Gavin asked Ella. "Or are you going to demand a rematch?"
"Have you ever known me to be a sore loser?"
"I can't rightly say, since I've never seen you lose."
"Hand Guin up. She can go for a little ride back to the stables."
Guin ran over with a triumphant "Yay!" and Gavin caught her in his arms and swung her up to join Ella.
James bent to speak in my ear. "It's a good thing you warned me not to hold back."
"I think Ella is more happy to have lost to you than she would have been to win."
"I feel as if I've survived some sort of initiation."
"And passed with flying colors," I commented as I watched Ella walk her horse, Fancy, toward the stables with Guinevere looking every bit the little horsewoman as she perched in front of her mother. I turned to James on impulse. "Will you stay a while?"
"Stay?"
"Here in Dalthia, as a guest. You could stay until Lylin's wedding, enjoy the festivities. It's only two weeks away." I hated to realize how much hope was knotted up in my stomach as I waited for his reply.
He bowed his head. "I would be honored."
***
James hadn't kissed me since we had arrived. The realization took me by surprise. Lylin and Rhys would be married in four days. We were out on the lawn, playing bowls with Ella and Gavin, Rhys and Lylin, and Kalina and William, who had arrived the day before with baby Heston. We were having a lovely time. There had been many such occasions over the last ten days and while I was enjoying myself, I didn't entirely feel as though I fit in here. I was relieved to be away from Bridgefield, but in a strange way, I missed the solitude it had afforded me. The constant bustle of the castle made me long for time alone with James. Was my return to Dalthia pulling me away from him? I studied him as he rolled the ball along the ground toward the set of pins. He seemed content for the most part. Perhaps he did not miss the time we used to share together. It was hard to know when I was so distracted by my family.
James crossed over to me, allowing Lylin to step up and have her turn.
"I quite like your future brother-in-law," he commented as he watched Lylin and her fiancé.
"Lord Fallon?"
"Yes."
I looked back at Rhys and Lylin, thinking over the interactions I had seen between them, unable to prevent myself from comparing them to my own experience of being courted by Damian. "They seem happy together."
He turned to me, his voice reassuring. "He's a good man, Marilee."
I faced him with a sardonic smile. "Is my worry that obvious?"
He pulled my hand away from my neck. "You always rub your scar when you worry over things like that."
Words escaped me. I hadn't been aware of the action until he took hold of my hand. Would that tendency ever go away? I brushed the thought aside and cast about for a different topic.
"When they leave on their wedding trip, we shall have to find other ways to entertain ourselves. I doubt Kalina or Ella will stay for long after the wedding."
I watched the game and waited for him to answer, but he remained silent. I turned my attention to him and saw his forehead furrowed, his lips parted, on the brink of speaking, but unable.
"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned by his serious expression.
He reached for my hands, cradling them in his own as his fingers brushed my wrists. "After your sister's wedding, I believe it will be time for me to go home as well."
His statement stole my breath. It had been foolish of me to let myself think he would stay longer. I knew that he couldn't stay indefinitely. Or at least my head had known. But it seemed that my heart had been counting on his continued presence, and at the thought of his leaving, it was protesting in a most painful way. I looked at our hands, the way he held mine loosely. I tugged and he let them go without hesitation.
"I have obligations at Sutton manor that I must see to."
"Of course," I managed to respond. "I understand." I gave a weak smile and turned back to watch the game, only this time my thoughts weren't meandering and curious, but hurt and writhing.
He hadn't kissed me since we had arrived in Dalthia. And now he would leave the moment his obligation was paid. It seemed he truly didn't feel as much of an attachment to me as I did to him, and in that moment I
realized just how much my hope had grown. Since the moment he had accepted my invitation to stay for the wedding, I had let myself hope a little more each day, let myself believe that he loved me just as Ella had said he did—just as much as I loved him.
***
I avoided James the next day by breakfasting in my room and doing everything I could to help my mother with wedding preparations. But by mid-afternoon, she declared that she refused to think any more of the wedding, and she was going to find some quiet. I was left alone, wondering how I could continue to convince myself that staying away from James was the right thing to do.
A knock sounded at the door and James walked in, his step hesitant. "Good afternoon." He bowed.
I was unprepared to face him and couldn't respond.
"I saw your mother leave and wondered if you might have a free moment."
Had he been waiting for me? Seeking my company? There seemed little point since he planned on returning to his home. On his own.
"Did you need something?" There was a coolness in my voice that I hated, but I had to create some distance. I had to stop imagining an attachment when he had given no indication that we would spend our life together.
He rocked back, no doubt put on guard by my tone. "Need? No, I suppose I don't need anything. But I was hoping to perhaps keep you company for the afternoon."
"I think it's best if we do not spend too much time in one another's company."
He blinked in surprise, and his brow twitched as he tried to discern my meaning. "I don't understand."
"What is there to understand? You'll be leaving soon." I held my empty hands out in front of me, a sign of surrender. "You traveled here with me to ensure my safe arrival. It's not fair of me to expect you to stay even as long as you already have."
"But...I still wish to be with you in the time I have remaining. I do not wish to abandon our..." He let out a sigh. "Friendship."
Friendship? "You don't get to be the only one who makes decisions. You chose to leave. So then, it seems it's time for me to focus on my family, on rebuilding the life I have here." I stood, smoothing my skirt. "I do not wish to keep you from your obligations." I brushed past him, heading for the door, my righteous anger reminding me too much of my anger toward Damian.
"Wait."
He grabbed my arm, trying to stop me, but I lashed out, whipping my arm out of his grasp as I whirled on him, screaming, "Don't!"
He backed away immediately, holding his hands out in apology. "I'm sorry. Just...please don't walk away."
"Because you want to be the one to walk away?" My voice was almost shrill, strained with anger and hurt and the residue of fear. It was irrational. I knew that, but I had come to rely on him so much that the thought of truly being without him left me terrified, and I didn't know how to battle that fear.
"Because I care about you, but I don't know how to fix everything right now. I don't know what the right thing is, but the last thing I want is for you to think that I don't care, or that I want to walk away from you forever, because that's not what I want at all. But I also don't want to push you toward anything you're not ready for."
He sounded so rational, so genuine.
"I still think it would be best for me to return to Winberg after the wedding, but perhaps I could visit you again, after I make more thorough preparations so that I can be away from Sutton manor for a time."
I sucked in a deep breath. "You wish to come back?"
"Of course."
My lungs relaxed, and relief seeped in. "Are you certain?"
"I'm certain that I want to return to you."
I wanted to believe him, but his life, his everything was at Sutton Manor. "You won't change your mind once you're back in Winberg?"
His brow furrowed with sadness. "Have I not proven to be a man of my word?"
Shame washed over me. "Of course you have." I stepped into his arms, needing to feel his warmth, his strength. "I'm sorry."
"I will miss you."
"And I you."
I believed he was sincere. I only hoped it was enough.
***
I entered the stables, ready to go out for my morning ride with James. He was there, but instead of his usual riding attire, he was wearing a traveling cloak. My heart sank as I recognized sure signs that he was leaving. The saddle bags at Captain's sides were bulging, ready for a journey.
James was leaving. I stepped back as confusion and uncertainty clouded my head. I wanted to turn and run, but James called out to me. "Marilee!"
He jogged over to me. "I'm so glad you're here. I was just about to come find you." He took my arm, steering me out of the stables.
"We were going to ride," was my weak reply.
"I received a letter this morning from Sutton Manor. I must return at once to rectify some difficulties that have arisen."
Difficulties? What kind of difficulties? "You're leaving?"
His eyes asked for understanding. "I must."
"You were going to stay." An inane thing to say, but I couldn't find any other words. Lylin's wedding was only two days away.
"I'm sorry, Marilee. Forgive me for leaving in such a rush, but with my lack of preparation for leaving the manor..."
He had left his home because of me. It was my fault. I had to stop being selfish and self-centered. Damian had hated my pouting when he would go away. I had to be understanding, not demanding. "I understand." I nearly choked on the words. "I hope that you find everything well at Sutton Manor."
His eyes searched mine and his mouth searched for words, but I kept a brave face, unwilling to burden him with my childish needs. His brow furrowed and he bent his head, pulling on his gloves. He caught a groom's attention. "Will you bring me my horse?"
The groom did so, and Captain walked over, looking lively and ready to run.
James checked his horse's tack, though I was certain it had already been done. He grabbed hold of the saddle, but instead of pulling himself up, he asked, "Can I write to you?" The way he looked at me was the same as he had done many times before, just before he would kiss me. But he didn't move forward to press his lips to mine, not this time.
"Yes," I answered, trying to be brave, trying to remember that he had said he cared about me. "And I will happily write to you in return."
He smiled, but it was unsure, almost sad, almost like he was saying a final goodbye. "Farewell, my fairy." He mounted his horse.
The inevitability of his departure made my chest seize in panic. I couldn't just let him leave, not yet. "James?"
He looked down at me, eyes filled with heat. "Yes?"
I clutched at my braid, wrapping it around my hand as I tried to push down the nervous churning of my stomach, tried to make myself say the words. But I couldn't, not when he was so easily leaving me behind. Instead I mumbled, "Be safe."
"I'll be back."
I stepped back as Captain pranced to the side, sensing my anxiety. "Is that a promise?"
"It is. And next time we meet, I shall finally reclaim the coat you stole from me."
A smile slipped across my lips at the reference, but my heart continued to ache, and that ache turned into a throb as he heeled Captain's sides and rode away from me.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I RETURNED TO my room, breathing in and breathing out, determined not to cry. I tried to remember all of the time we had spent together, the comfort I had always felt in his presence. That had been real, it had felt real.
Rogue whined and jumped up onto the bed with me, nosing under my hand until I started to pet him. I gazed around my room, taking in the yellow draperies and cornflower blue bedclothes. The items littering my vanity were the same as had been there for years. I slid from the bed and crossed to look more closely at the jeweled hair pins, opening little drawers to look through the jewelry that I hadn't brought with me to my new life as a married woman. Pulling open another drawer, a folded piece of parchment sprang up from where it had been confined. I pried the parchment from its too-small
space and opened it. It was the one and only letter that Damian had written to me. It was worn and crumpled because I had read and reread it, savoring each word, clutching it to my heart as I imagined what bliss awaited me as the wife of Lord Damian Rockwell. Staring at the dingy edges, I tried to remember the words it contained, but could not recall what exactly I had found so very romantic about it. I pulled it open and laid it on the table, trying to smooth the creases with my palm.
Marilee, my beautiful flower,
I know how much you love to hear of my devotion, my adoration, so I thought to write them down, and that way you might treasure them. For I do adore you. Your innocence and sweet smile captivated me from the first moment we met, and I knew that I could not continue in life without you by my side. You are everything that a princess should be and more. Your radiant beauty turned every head and I knew that I had to make you my own. It will make me proud to have such a beauty at my side. No doubt you will put all the other ladies of society to shame. And I shall be there to put the Lords to shame as well. We will be everything that a noble couple should be.
Lord Damian Rockwell
A writhing knot of sickness burrowed into my stomach. Was this the drivel that had captured my heart and secured my devotion? This nonsense filled with nothing but flattery and arrogance? Had I been so shallow, so desperate for attention that I had thought this was what love sounded like?
What was wrong with me? I crumpled the note in my hands, then moved to set it on the table, but instead of leaving it to lie there, I swept it to the floor in a fit of anger, sweeping combs and pins and jewelry right along with it. I ignored the mess, pressing my hands into the tabletop as I pinched my eyes shut. What was wrong with me?
It was a question that wouldn't let me be. What was so wrong with me that I hadn't seen Damian's flaws? And was I really any different now? Could I trust myself to recognize love and sincerity, or would I always be left to wonder? James said he cared for me, and I thought I was in love with him. But I had thought those same things about Damian.
***
Two days later, my youngest sister was married. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I tried not to let my bitterness color my opinion of their relationship. Fortunately, it was readily evident that Rhys and Lylin had a deep respect for one another, which was something that I had never had with Damian. And Lylin had always been more level-headed than I. It was easier to trust her judgment than my own, and I wished them the best.
Saving Marilee Page 27