Maybe she's great at snooping.
I need to hear her out.
Suddenly, I'm not hungry or tired.
I'm awake.
I'm restless.
I doodle in my sketchpad. Manic, angry, terrified lines. The TV murmurs in the background. It casts a soft glow over my paper.
It's a blur of sounds and light.
Sometime after two A.M., I resolve to sleep. But not in the spare room. Not in the sex room. Even if it's going to be mine.
I go to Blake's room. I heard him leave his office to go to his bedroom. I didn't look, but I heard the doors opening.
I knock softly. No sounds. I open the door and step inside. It's an ordinary room. A bed, a dresser, a laptop charging on the floor. He works in here, too. He's addicted.
Blake is sleeping in the middle of the bed, stretched out wide. He takes up most of the space. I climb in next to him and wrap his arm around my waist.
He stirs. "Kat. You shouldn't be here."
"I don't care." I nestle into him. "I want to be here."
He murmurs something I can't make out. He pulls me closer. His breath slows like he's drifting back to sleep.
It happens quickly.
I fall asleep in his arms.
Chapter Twenty
Eight A.M. comes too soon. The bed is cold.
Fiona was right. Blake's been gone for a while.
I dress, brush my teeth, fix my hair and makeup. There's coffee in the machine.
I take a few sips and discard it. I can't stomach anything today. I'm way too nervous.
My thoughts rush together. Somehow, I manage to wait until eight forty-five.
I practically run out of the apartment.
I take the elevator to the lobby and walk the three blocks to the cafe.
Fiona is sitting at a small table. She's picture perfect in her tailored shift dress. She has that trademark Sterling stone expression. What the hell happened to this family to make them all so good at hiding their emotions?
Her nostrils flare as she spots me.
She doesn't like me. I know that much.
But I need to know why.
"Grab a drink if you'd like, but I'd rather keep this quick." Fiona takes a long sip of her coffee.
"No, that's okay." I take my seat. I'm not in the mood for coffee. I'm already wide awake.
"I don't want you to think of this as an accusation." She purses her lips. "I'm sure you have a very good reason for what you're doing. Maybe you don't even realize you're doing it."
Her expression is strong, but her hands are shaking.
She pulls them back and folds them in her lap.
I pull my coat tighter. It's cold in here.
"I was like you when I met Trey. I was desperate to get out of my life any way I could. He was handsome and rich. He had a great apartment. He made me feel safe, but, deep down, I knew he'd never love me." She swallows hard. "I let myself believe I was in love, but I wasn't. I was in love with the idea of escaping. I was in love with the idea of someone taking care of me."
Deep breath. I need to sell this. "It's not like that. I love Blake."
"Maybe you do. Or maybe you just believe it. It doesn't matter. It won't last. The Sterlings are cursed. We can't love anyone."
"No." I swallow hard. That can't be true.
"I did the same thing you're doing. I ignored the signs. But Trey was never going to love me. He was never going to make room for me in his life." Her eyes get serious. "I didn't have options. Maybe if I had them, I would have done something else."
I press my palms into my thighs. Her expression is strong. Sure. She believes every word.
She's saying the same thing Blake does.
He's never going to love me.
He's never going to want more than sex.
He's never going to make room for me.
Fiona clears her throat. "I had you investigated. I'm sure it was hard—that accident with your parents, taking care of your sister. I can see why you'd latch on to Blake."
I take a breath, willing an I love him to escape my lips. But I can't make the words happen.
They don't feel like a lie anymore.
Fiona unzips her purse. "I would have done the same thing. I did do the same thing and I had it much easier."
"I should go."
"This is no questions asked." She pulls something out of her purse. A check. She unfolds it and sets it on the table. "If you need money, here it is. It's more than enough to get you on track."
She pushes the check towards me.
It's for a hundred thousand dollars.
Holy shit.
"Take the money. Or don't. It's your choice." She stares into my eyes. "I know what you must think of me. I'm a bitch. I'm okay with that. But Blake has spent his entire life protecting me. This time, I'm going to protect him."
I push the check back. "I don't want your money."
"Then tear this in half right now."
I can't. My fingers won't move.
She's right.
I need options.
This is an option.
One that might spare me from a lot of heartache.
I'm already falling in love with Blake.
Can I really survive living with him?
Marrying him?
Proclaiming to the entire world that he'll be mine forever?
"Maybe you really do love him, Kat, but he's never going to love you. He's married to his job. That will never change." She stands. Her eyes get apologetic. "If you really do love him, if you can handle coming second every night, then tear that check up. Marry him. Get rich and bored waiting by the door every night."
I swallow hard.
She's telling the truth. Her truth at least.
I believe she's doing this for Blake.
Hell, I believe she's doing this for me.
I slide the check into my pocket.
Blake is never going to love me.
But I might be able to walk away before I'm in too deep.
I might be able to wipe away all this deception.
I might be able to survive this one.
I've made too many decisions on my own. I've done too much under pressure.
For once, I'm asking for help.
For once, I'm considering my options.
Chapter Twenty-One
The kitchen smells like coffee. It's warm, rich, nutty.
This place is warm. Cozy. Homey.
I wouldn't trade it for a dozen penthouse apartments.
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
"Earth to Kat?" Lizzy laughs. "You've been a space case lately."
"Sorry." I've spent the last few days drifting off. Drawing. Staring at the check. Asking myself if I can stomach taking Fiona's money. If I can survive not taking it.
I thought it would be hard avoiding Blake, but it's been easy. He's working. He's only texted to say goodnight. It's kind of sweet, the way he wants to be the last thought in my head.
But that gets me all mixed up.
It sends my thoughts racing in every direction.
Running, drawing, staring at the ceiling, walking around the city—they're all equally ineffective at bringing clarity.
I guess it's time to admit I need help.
"It's fine." She stirs sugar into her coffee and tests the flavor. "You used to be like that all the time. Before the accident."
"That was so long ago."
"Yeah. It feels like it was another lifetime." She takes a long sip and sighs with pleasure. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." More or less. "It's a school day."
"It's early." She motions to the clock on the wall. "Besides, you need me more than I need school."
"Do I?"
She nods. "Something is up. You keep taking walks by the water. You only do that when you're worried about something."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. You do it every month before the mortgage is due." She presses her lips together. "We didn't get a bi
ll."
"Blake…"
"Oh." Her eyes fix on mine. She's thinking something about me, but I'm not sure what it is.
"I know you don't like him."
"I don't like how he makes you feel." She traces the outline of her mug. "You've been in a funk since you got back from his place."
Accurate. "I'm thinking."
"About?"
"You should go to school. We can talk tonight."
"We can talk now."
My instincts demand I lie to her. Tell her everything is fine. It's just family drama. It's just stress about the wedding. But I can't do that. I need to bring her into this decision. "Okay."
She smiles. "Good. Let's go out. Get brunch. My treat."
"You don't want me using Blake's credit card?"
"Can't I treat without an ulterior motive?"
"I don't know. Can you?" I study her expression. She looks normal. Concerned.
"Well, since I'm treating, it's my pick. We can go to the place around the corner. The one that doesn't card."
"No way in hell."
She laughs. "Have I ever ordered a drink with a fake ID?"
"In front of me, no? But a grand says you've done it."
"Okay. Fair. But you know I'm messing with you, right?"
I know. But— "I'm your older sister. It's my duty to ruin your good time."
"You don't. You're a good time, Kat. Even when you're moping."
"I'm not moping."
"Uh-huh."
"I'm contemplating."
"Around the house, in your pajamas, all day."
"I need comfortable clothes to really consider things."
She laughs. "Whatever you want to tell yourself." She takes another sip of coffee then rises to her feet. "But put on clothes for this. Ones that aren't made of flannel."
"You know, I hear people in Portland wear flannel all winter."
"Are you in Portland?"
"Is Brooklyn that different?"
She laughs. "Do you ever see anyone in flannel?"
"Sometimes."
"When?"
"I bet we'll see someone in flannel."
"I bet it's less than one in ten." She moves towards her bedroom. "You'll feel better dressed. Trust me."
After brunch, we go to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. The spot of the future fake wedding, though Lizzy doesn't know that.
The cherry trees are decked with little white buds. In a few weeks, the flowers will bloom, fade to a soft shade of pink.
Then they'll float away on the breeze.
Lizzy takes a seat on a stone bench and folds her legs over each other. She stares at the manmade lake. "You want to tell me what's really bothering you?"
I do. And I'm going to. Just… I need to work up to it. I'm not good at asking for help.
She turns to me. "What's our deal?"
"Me and you against the world."
"Not Kat takes on the world all by herself." She adjusts her glasses. "We're partners. I want to help you. I want to be there when you need me."
"I know. I just…"
"I love you, Kat. Whatever it is, I'll do what I can."
Leaves catch on the breeze. The grass rustles. The lake ripples. "I don't know where to start."
"Anywhere." She pats the spot next to her.
I sit. She knows enough about my arrangement with Blake that I can jump straight to Fiona's offer. No. I need to start earlier. "Blake is doing this for his mother."
She arches a brow.
"She's dying. And, um, he doesn't want her dying thinking she ruined his chance at love."
"Why would she think that?"
"His father…" I press my lips together. That isn't my secret to tell. "He was a bad guy. She feels guilty about staying with him. At least, that's how it seems."
"That's sweet. Sort of. I mean, it's also kinda weird and controlling. But sweet too."
"He does have good intentions."
"But you, well—" she laughs. "Whenever you spend time with him, you either come home just-fucked and satisfied or upset."
I laugh too. "That's probably true."
"He already paid off the mortgage, right?"
"Yeah."
"We can handle the rest on our own. Really. I got in to Stanford. With a full scholarship."
"You didn't tell me."
"I was waiting until… I don't know. Until it felt right. Now it does."
I hug my sister. This is good news. Even if it means she might be three thousand miles away. "Wouldn't you rather stay in the city? Go to NYU?"
"Yes. And no. There are much better computer science programs. And there's… I might not even go to school."
"What?" That is not a possibility.
"I could get an internship. Start working right away."
"Lizzy—"
"I know you want to help, but this is my choice. I'll probably go with school. But I'm considering the other possibilities too."
I bite my lip. She's an adult. She should be able to run her own life. But this is supposed to be for us. What's the point of all this suffering if Lizzy isn't going to take Blake's scholarship?
If she's going to move anyway?
"Blake's sister thinks I'm a gold digger," I say.
"She thinks you're pretty enough to be a gold digger. It's practically a compliment," she teases.
"Maybe. She wants me to leave him." I pull the check from my pocket and hand it to Lizzy.
Her eyes go wide as she unfolds it. "Fuck. She really wants you to go away."
"We're supposed to get married here in three and a half weeks."
"Classy. Perfect for you."
"It's go-away money. She wants me to take this and never see him again."
She folds the check and presses it into my palm. "She must have some serious jealousy issues."
I shake my head. That isn't it. "She thinks I'm deceiving Blake. Or deceiving myself about Blake. Maybe I am." I tuck the check into a pocket in my purse. "She… she might even be doing it for me. Because she feels bad for me."
"Uh-huh."
"Really. Her husband was at dinner. He's one of those rich jerks who works nonstop. She thinks Blake is the same. That I'll also end up in a loveless marriage. Or as a young divorcee."
"You're too nice. It sounds like a controlling-bitch move to me."
"You're too cynical."
"Let's say that's true. What's in the middle?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it doesn't matter. She's offering me money to go away. I can take it. Or not."
"You get more if you marry him."
"Yeah." But I don't need more. I just need Lizzy okay. And she is. She doesn't even want this money.
"Do you want to marry Blake?"
My thoughts go straight to the two of us right here. Me in some beautiful lace dress. Him in a suit. Pink petals blowing around us. It's beautiful. Romantic. Sweet.
But it's not a lie. Not in my head.
In my head, it's real. He really loves me and I really love him.
That's what I want. Not yet. But one day. I want to really be his. For him to really be mine.
But it's not an option.
I play with the buttons on my coat. "I don't know."
"Don't do it for me. I will be okay."
"In California."
"We can't be together forever." She squeezes my hand. "You know that."
I know, but I still hate the thought of being three thousand miles from the only person who matters to me.
"I can't believe this. All because the guy almost broke your ankle." She laughs. "I don't know if you're lucky or unlucky."
"This is the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me."
"Forget feelings. Forget everything except the cold, hard cash." Lizzy pulls me off the bench and trots towards a tree blooming with little white flowers. "He's offering you the rest of a million dollars. If you go through with this wedding, you're set. You can do whatever the hell you want. It's all your money. Yours, Kat."
"No," she says. "It's yours. I'm not saying you can't buy me dinner sometimes. Or pay my share of the occasional trip to the Caribbean, but it's yours."
"Lizzy—"
"I'm not taking his money. This is for you, Kat. If you can't handle the fake marriage, then leave. Take his sister's money. Or tell them both to go fuck themselves. You'll be okay without their money. We both will."
Maybe. I was barely making ends meet before I met Blake, but now that the mortgage is paid, a job waiting tables is plenty.
Or I can take Fiona's money. Use it to pay for college. To jump-start a better life.
I have options.
I try to imagine dumping Blake, convincing him I can't do this.
That weight sinks into my chest. It's an awful thought.
This means a lot to Blake. Yes, it's bullshit and he's lying to everyone who loves him, but he's doing it because he believes it's the only way.
He doesn't love me, but he does trust me.
Calling this off is breaking that trust.
I… I'm not sure I can do that to him.
Or that I want to.
But I do know something.
I need to talk to him. I need to look him in the eyes. I need to figure out if I can survive another six months proclaiming my love for him.
Lizzy checks a text on her phone.
"Can you handle dinner on your own?" I ask.
"Go get laid," she says. "I don't judge."
"That better not be a boy."
"And if it is?"
"He's meeting me before he takes you out." I pull out my phone and text Blake.
Blake: I'm at the office. It will be cleared out by seven. Come then.
It is the perfect place for a negotiation.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Downtown is quiet. Still. It's funny how quickly the streets go from bustling to empty.
The yellow fluorescent lights pop against the dark sky. The city is beautiful. I never tire of it.
I never tire of tilting my head upwards, gawking at the skyscrapers like a tourist.
They're tall. Powerful. Unmoving.
Shit. I'm comparing buildings to my fake fiancé.
He's taking over too many of my thoughts. Not just the ones about sex. But the ones about long walks and shared dessert and forever.
I hug my purse to my shoulder as I step into the building.
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