by Angel Rose
“I’m scared, Mrs. Austin,” I whispered, the tears trundled down my cheeks relentlessly.
“Please call me Angela,” she said.
“Angela, Andrew is capable of murder, you’re right. He broke Daniel’s arm and threw both of the children in a lake without remorse. Alyssa almost died. She hit her head and developed a blood clot. He killed my best friend Clarissa. He’s a monster. I can’t escape him.” I swallowed hard as the ball in my throat choked me, the tears flowing without end in sight.
“Madison, you have to get away. You have to divorce him. Where is the father of your children?” She said suspiciously.
“It’s a complicated story,” I whispered.
“I have time.” She sat on the couch and motioned with her hand for me to join her.
“Angela, Daniel and Alyssa are not my children. They are my brother and sister. The man they know as their father is actually my brother. We raised them since they were babies. I had another brother who died of leukemia when he was five. My mother was a junkie and a prostitute. Stone, my brother, his father was a junkie and dropped him off at my mother’s doorstep when he was thirteen. I was eleven. He said his father told him that she was his mother. We took care of each other. I was his everything, and he was mine. We fell in love the very first time I touched his hand when I was eleven.”
“Wait, this Stone guy…he’s like, your stepbrother, right?” she asked. Her eyebrows furrowed and the concerned look on her face changed to disgust. “I mean; how can you love him? he’s your brother.”
“I love him because he loved me. He killed a man who was going to rape me when I was thirteen. He was the only man in my life who didn’t hurt me, who took care of me. Who loved me wholeheartedly without question, without falter?”
“But sweetie, he’s your brother.”
“I know…and I don’t care. He went to jail for six years for me. I visited him every weekend with the kids. We raised them. We did. Not our mother. Not their fathers. We did.” I began to sob. The pain in my heart for Stone was so strong, I became lightheaded and nearly collapsed.
“Madison, here…drink some water,” Angela said as she held my hand. She offered me a tissue but instead, I leaned my head on her shoulder and cried…the ugliest cry you have ever seen. I felt like I was bleeding inside. Like my heart had exploded and I couldn’t breathe. “Madison, please,” she whispered into my hair.
My body shook uncontrollably, I grabbed her blouse at the shoulders and fisted it into my hand. I needed something to hold on to. She grabbed my hands gently, and I released my grip on her. She pushed me away and stood up. I stood staring at her, my heart broken, my nerves shot and my mind on the only thing that mattered in this world…Stone. “Your husband has been arrested. Let’s get you home to gather some things and then you can stay with me. We can talk later about your brother.” She grabbed my hand, and I grabbed Daniel and Alyssa.
I walked into the house that I had called home for a year now.
Everything immaculate.
Everything the way he wanted it.
Nothing out of place.
No toys around the house to show that children lived there.
No life to the house we were supposed to call a home.
I went to Daniel and Alyssa’s room and gathered some clothes. I inhaled deeply, looking around the room, and making sure I wasn’t leaving anything important behind. As I walked towards our bedroom, I noticed the door to the closet that was always locked. Today it was slightly ajar. For many months I had been curious to see what was inside. I pushed the door open with my free hand and glanced inside. A black bag sat at the bottom of a shelf, tucked in neatly between a pair of tennis shoes and a tea pot. As strange as that seemed, the black bag called out to me. I leaned down and picked the bag up. I sat on the floor of the hallway, placed the kid’s clothes on the floor, and opened the bag. To my surprise, it held birth certificates and two envelopes, one of them sealed. I glanced through the birth certificates, Bryan’s, Daniel’s, Alyssa’s and mine. Alyssa had no father and mine…The birth certificate slipped out of my hands. Stone was right.
His father was my father.
My heart hurt.
A feeling of guilt ran deep into my gut.
The love I had for my brother.
The only love I knew and ever wanted was confirmed that our blood was the same.
The open flap of the envelope seemed as easy to open as the black bag, but the tight, sealed envelope enticed me more. Curiosity had my body aching for the thick paper that lay folded neatly in that envelope. I couldn’t wait a second more. I tore open the seal flap and pulled out the folded white paper that lay nestled inside. I opened it. A letter and a birth certificate.
Birth Certificate
Joseph Michael Shelton
Mother: Annette Emily Perkins
Father: Mickey Shelton
My heart sank into my stomach. Happiness struck a chord so deep within me the tears automatically fell from my eyes without notice. We only shared the same father, not the same mother. My God… we had waited so long to find out and now that I knew…I could love him; I could be with him. I had to find him, tell him how much I loved him. That he was my half-brother and that it was okay for us to be together. I stuffed the birth certificate back in the envelope not noticing the letter that had dropped on the floor. I grabbed the kids clothing and stepped on the letter. I bent down to pick it up, then read it.
Madison, if you’re reading this letter, tell Stone I’m glad I’m not his mother; look what I did to you. I met Annette one day at your grandmother’s house. I don’t know what she was doing there, but it was after your sixteenth birthday. She was crying, a lot of tears, uncontrollably. Grandma sat her down at the kitchen table telling her it was going to be okay. I needed money for my next hit of heroin. I passed right by her. I didn’t care what she was crying about.
I’ve never been human Madison, just a junkied up whore. Drugs and my mother ruined my life. If I was his mother, I would’ve done the same thing I did to you and the kids. He deserves to find his birth mother. He deserves a little happiness in his life. Happiness I couldn’t give him.
Though he suffered because of my mistakes, I’m happy he found you. He’s been good to you Maddie. Take care of each other. Make sure you give him the birth certificate. Let him find some happiness. Will you tell him I’m sorry? Will you tell him, Madison…Please?
I crumpled the letter in my hand. How long had she had all of these birth certificates? She knew Stone was not her son and didn’t tell me. She didn’t even tell him. God, I hated that she created four children and didn’t give a fuck about any of them. I hated the fact that she let my own father rape me. I hated her for killing Bryan. I hated her for dying and leaving me alone. I hate myself for loving my mother and feeling sorry for her.
I heard a car horn beeping and shoved the crumpled-up letter into the envelope. I ran down the stairs quickly and opened the door and ran to the car.
“Madison, are you okay? You look like you saw a ghost,” Angela said frantically.
“I did. I did,” I whispered as I turned around to look at the kids in the back seat.
“Are you ready to go to Aunt Angie’s house?” she shouted to the kids in the back.
“Yay!” Daniel shouted as he raised Alyssa’s arms. “Say yay! Lyssa!” Alyssa smiled. She had Bryan’s smile, and I closed my eyes for a moment, picturing his beautiful face. I turned towards the window and let the tears fall again from my eyes. My Bryan. My poor angel.
Chapter 5
Stone
I sat in the back of a new white Ram truck. The fact that I was getting help seemed enticing enough, but it didn’t distract me from the need of a bump my body craved for. I sat thinking about how fucked up my life was without Maddie and the kids; how I fucked up on myself. If Maddie and the kids saw me now, they would never want me back. I was a mess.
“How do you feel back there?” Ruthy asked as she turned around staring at me.
>
“Fucking horrible,” I barked.
“It won’t be long now. You’re going to get better.” Ruthy turned around quickly. My response startled her. I clenched my fists together. I was so angry at myself I wanted to punch and shatter the window I was staring out of. I held it in. I closed my eyes and thought of Maddie.
It made my chest tight, and I had to draw in a deep breath to realize,
I’m nothing without her…
I never was.
“Don’t worry kid, you’ll be better in no time,” Darwin cackled.
“Really? Are you an expert in being a junkie?” I replied sarcastically.
“As a matter of fact, I am. I’ve been clean for fifteen years now. Your sarcasm and nastiness will subside my friend. I’m glad you did this now…before it’s too late.” He glanced at me in the rearview mirror. His eyes were pale blue, like Daniel’s. I looked away from his intense stare and clenched my fists again. For some reason, I just wanted to lose control. I wanted to punch him in the back of his head and smash Ruthy’s face through her window. I closed my eyes again, my chest heaving in and out.
“Pull over, Darwin…now,” Ruthy said. Darwin looked at her expectantly.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Just do it.” She demanded.
We pulled over on the side of the road.
“Get out!” she shouted. I awoke from my mental picture of fucking them both up when her voice rang in my ears.
“What?” I asked.
“Get out of the car and take a breather Stone. I don’t want anyone in this car getting hurt.” She got out of the passenger side and opened the back door. “Come on, let’s go.”
I got out of the car and leaned against the back of the car. Darwin got out of the driver’s seat and walked towards me. I could feel his presence.
“I’m sorry kid. I know this is hard.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and it ignited the beast in me.
“Don’t touch me…please,” I whispered.
“This isn’t you, you know. It’s the drugs,” he said.
“This is me. You don’t know anything about me.” I shook my head.
“Maybe it is. But the drugs are making it worse.”
“My father was a junkie. I promised myself I would never be like him. Look at me…look at me.” The pain in my chest tightened. The only person who could take the pain in my heart away was Maddie. I had made the conscious decision to leave her alone, to make sure she would start over and have some happiness in her life.
“Yes, it’s okay. We all fall apart in life. But, you can pick yourself up now. Don’t you understand?” He touched my shoulder again. The tears started to build up in my eyes, the pain in my chest escalating to new heights. I turned to him, looked into his pale blue eyes and saw my son, Daniel. I gasped for a moment as the tears fell from my eyes, letting out another sob. Darwin grabbed the back of my head tightly and placed my face against his shoulder. The sobs and yells I let out could be heard up in the heavens. I grabbed him by his shoulders and sunk my face deep into his shoulder. He held me tightly…as tight as another human being could hold a person. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
“I’m telling you…it’s gonna be okay kid. I got you. You’re going to be okay.” I held him tight and cried even harder. I wanted to get better. I needed to, for Maddie and the kids.
“We have to get back on the road,” Ruthy said as she forced back the tremble of her voice.
“Come on kid. Let’s do this.” He let me go from his embrace. I could barely see him, the tears clouding my vision.
I didn’t say a word. I wiped my face with my shirt and opened the door to the back seat of the truck. Ruthy got in the passenger seat and Darwin got in the driver’s seat. He started up the car and got back on the road.
I closed my eyes and felt the warm liquid seeping from my nostrils.
Blood.
Blood.
This ends today.
We finally reached our destination, pulling into the parking lot of the facility. My head was pounding, the headache relentless. I could barely see with my eyes swollen from crying. Now having to deal with this damn unrelenting headache that practically made me nauseous was an added bonus. I placed my head between my hands before looking up at Darwin and Ruthy who were staring at me from the front seat.
“Ready kid?” Darwin asked.
“No…not really,” I whispered.
“It’s now or never. Let’s go.” Ruthy stepped out of the passenger side and opened the back door. I got out, staring at a building that seemed more like a hospital setting than anything else. It was already making me feel like this was the wrong decision. As we walked towards the facility, the automatic doors opened. Before I took a step inside, I stopped.
“What’s wrong?” Darwin asked.
“I don’t know,” I said softly.
“Look, let’s get this over with. It’s just the first step to a full recovery. You can do it, Stone. You can do it.” Darwin stood staring at me before I noticed a woman in a grey suit walking towards me.
“Joseph Shelton?” she asked smiling.
“Yes.”
“Come on in. We won’t bite you,” she said, extending her hand towards me.
I glanced behind my shoulder quickly, taking in a deep breath and feeling like the day I was arrested when I was fifteen years old, never to see the light of day again until six years later. I stepped into the building, my hesitation quickly turning into fear.
“My name is Joanna Russo. You did it,” She giggled. “I’ll be your counselor. You can call me anytime.” She smiled sincerely at me. She was an older woman, in her thirties. She was beautiful. She had long blonde hair that curled at the ends and reached her shoulder. Her sparkling hazel eyes glowed under the fluorescent lights of the lobby, greener than brown. They were captivating. “How do you feel?” she asked. “Joseph?” she asked again.
“Fine,” I said, snapping back into reality. “My name is Stone. Please don’t call me Joseph,” I said sternly.
“I’m sorry,” she said apologetically.
“He didn’t mean anything by that,” Ruthy intervened, “Did you Stone?”
“I’m sorry, Ms. Russo,” I whispered, my eyes meeting hers. The headache was pounding even harder now. I tried so hard to hide the pain in my face.
“I know exactly what you need. Two Tylenol and a cup of coffee to get rid of that pounding headache. Then you are off to see the program physician for a physical.” She grabbed my hand. “I’m very friendly you know. I don’t take no for an answer and most of all…I’m here for you twenty-four seven.” She led me to the cafeteria. The doors opened to a room filled with round tables and chairs surrounding them. There were lots of hanging indoor plants and flowers. The colors of the walls were bright and cheerful. The room looked like a restaurant instead of your typical hospital cafeteria.
“Sit here Stone, next to me,” she said. Ruthy and Darwin ran to get a cup of coffee and order food.
“Sure…” I responded.
“Here’s the Tylenol and here is your coffee,” Joanna said, handing me a Tylenol packet and a cup of coffee. “It’s hot.” She smiled.
“Black?” I said surprised.
“You can add whatever you’d like.” She smiled again; that infectious smile.
“Thanks.” I nodded.
“So…What’s your poison?” She asked.
“What?” I asked confused.
“Your poison? You know, heroin, crack, coke…what?” she asked as she stirred the cream into her coffee.
“Coke,” I whispered.
“I see.” She nodded.
“Why are you so happy?” I asked.
“Because life is beautiful, and you…chose life.” She smiled again. I could have sworn she was on coke.
“Yeah right…not my life.” I turned away from her.
“Whomever she is…she must be special.” I turned and looked at her heatedly.
“You do
n’t know what you’re talking about…Ms. ‘I’m always happy’.” I put up my index and middle finger up on both hands as if quoting her. “You don’t know shit about my fucked-up life.” I knocked the cup of coffee off of the table and it flew into the air. It went flying across the room. “You don’t know who she is or what she means to me.” Now, I was in close proximity to her face, but she didn’t move. “You don’t know what he did to her!” She stood up and took a step back. “You don’t know why I killed for her! You. Don’t. Know. A. Fucking. Thing!” I shouted.
Security ran in and subdued me before I could reach out to grab her by the shoulders and shake the shit out of her. Who the fuck did she think she was talking to? I went to jail for six years for killing someone who touched Maddie and I killed my miserable father for raping her. She didn’t know who I was and, at this point, I didn’t know who I was either.
“Get off me!” I shouted.
“Calm down, sir.” The security officers grabbed me by the arms.
“Let him go,” Joanna said.
“What?” They answered in sync.
“Let. Him. Go.” They let me go and I stood standing in front of her.
“Do you want to hurt me…Stone?” Joanna asked without blinking. My chest was heaving in and out.
“Well?” she questioned again.
“No.”
“Good, now let’s get this cleaned up and you can go for your physical.” I stood staring at her for a moment, then grabbed some napkins from the counter and cleaned up the coffee. She watched as I picked up the broken pieces of the coffee cup and threw it in the trash. Ruthy and Darwin stood staring at me silently, disappointment resonating over their face as they watched in embarrassment. “Ready?” she whispered.
“Yeah.”
“Good. Follow me,” she said smiling.
We walked towards the elevator and took it to the third floor. The elevator doors opened to nurses and doctors walking around, checking on patients, and talking to family members. The different colored walls were covered with quotes. As I passed a group of doctors talking to a family member, I read one on the blue wall, “Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.” – Carl Bard. As I continued to walk down the corridor following, I read another one on an orange colored wall, “If you can quit for a day, you can quit for a lifetime.” – Benjamin Alire Sáenz. I pursed my lips to the side, shook my head, and kept walking.