“Dinner is ready,” he says in a more pleasant tone.
I open my eyes and see Joss standing in the doorway with a dishtowel hanging over her shoulder. It’s amazing how I can get lost in the movements of yoga and tune out the world. But that’s also the same place I go when I hit rock bottom. Tuning out the world can be a safe haven, but it can also be a dangerous place when not in the right frame of mind.
A lot of people don’t understand how someone can have thoughts of suicide. I’ve heard people say it’s only for the attention. If you honestly believe that, let me tell you that you’re playing a dangerous game with your loved one’s life. That attention seeking, in the beginning, is a way of crying out for help when you don’t know how to deal with what you’re facing. It’s also dangerous when it becomes your ‘M.O.’ like it did with me, because then people stop taking you seriously and you become ‘the boy who cried wolf.’ When you get lost in self-pity and only hear the negative, you tune out and can no longer see, feel, or hear anything good or hopeful. To you, there is no hope and nothing good. The only solution you have left becomes bigger than life itself. When it becomes clear, it’s hard to ignore. There is a very small sliver of a line between seeking attention and having nothing left to lose. It’s indecipherable and you look exactly the same.
River walks toward the door and like magic, his lips find Joss’s and he plants a kiss on her lips, then moves past her. The simple act makes me smile. I’m so happy for River that he found his l’amour vrai, or true love, as my dad used to say to my mother. My mother never could pronounce it right to repeat it back to my dad, so she used to tell him to look into her eyes. She didn’t need to say it. Her eyes told him everything her heart felt.
“How was yoga?” she whispers.
“What’s his deal?” I whisper back.
“When he got home from the office, he asked me where you were. I told him you were down at the beach, playing with a dog. He asked if I knew who the dog belonged to. I did, since I met her and his handsome owner not that long ago on the beach with River. Sorry, if I would’ve known he’d react how he did, I wouldn’t have told him who they were. I recognized Cooper right away when he came into California Chef a few weeks ago. He wanted to hire us as his personal chef. I saw from the paperwork he filled out that he lives on our street. I don’t think he realized at the time that it was me down at the beach with River the first time we met. River practically went ape shit when I said that you guys were walking back to the house together. He parked himself outside the back door faster than I could blink,” she says.
“I don’t get the big deal,” I reply. “Cooper’s our neighbor, we met last night. His dog, Sadie, introduced herself, then this morning she practically knocked on my door to say good morning to me. I was just doing Cooper a favor by watching her today. He wanted to thank me for watching her all day by taking me out to dinner. I think River scared him off. Then River gives me the whole ‘he’s a man,’ and the ‘this isn’t the right time’ speech. I’ve been busting my ass to prove to River that I’m in a better place, and that I have no intentions of ever heading down that road again. I’ve been doing absolutely every last thing that’s been asked of me, and I’ve gone above and beyond to prove myself to everyone,” I finish.
“I know you have, sweetheart,” she says, taking a piece of my hair. “He’s just worried about you. He really does have your best interest at heart. He only has one sister, and he’s fiercely protective of you.”
“I know he is, but sometimes I feel like he’s my dad and not my brother. I just want my brother,” I tell her.
“I know. And just for the record. You have nothing to prove to me. What I see written in your eyes looking at me every day, is all I ever need. When I see differently, then I’ll worry. Dinner is ready and we have a full table tonight. Nina and Josh are already at the table. We’re just waiting for Maddy to get here,” I tell her.
It’s funny, she just said she can see it in my eyes. It’s my fault, River can’t see with his own eyes the same things that Joss does. No matter the amount of counseling, I’m having a hard time not taking responsibility for River being blind. It’s one of my hang ups, I know. But maybe if he could see me, I mean really see me, he’d see that I’ve changed.
“Oh! I finally get to meet the fabulous Maddy!” I say, clapping my hands, trying to push down the negative thoughts. I’ve only ever heard amazing things about Maddy. She’s Joss and Nina’s one and only employee at California Chef. She’s also an exceptional photographer. Joss uses all the photos she takes of the food she cooks at her client’s houses on the company website, and they’re killer good. “Wait, Cooper came into California Chef to hire you?” I ask.
“He did. Although he never completed his online paperwork, so he’s not officially a client yet.”
“That’s strange, he didn’t mention that part,” I tell her, as the doorbell rings.
“That’s Maddy. Go ahead and get cleaned up. Everything is ready,” Joss says with a smile. “And don’t worry too much about River. I always have your back.”
“Thank you,” I say with a smile.
Before Joss can get to the front door, I rush out the back door and into the pool house. I change my clothes, wash my face, put my hair up into a chestnut bun, and put on some deodorant. On my way back to River’s, I glance out toward the ocean to see if perhaps Cooper and Sadie are playing down on the beach, but sadly they’re not.
The back wall of doors has been folded open, letting the beautiful evening air and the salty smell of the ocean flow into River’s house. Nina, Joss, and a pretty redhead, who I assume is Maddy, are walking from the kitchen to the dining room table, carrying dishes of food in each hand. I rush inside and take a bread basket balancing on the top of Maddy’s arm and set it on the table.
“Hi, you must be Maddy,” I say.
“And you must be Kate,” she replies. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”
“You too,” I reply.
We all take our seats, and I take the empty seat next to Maddy. I’m pretty good at reading people just by how they look, and I’m not talking about in a snotty, stuck up way. It’s always been easy for me to read someone’s face like an open book because honestly, I’ve run every course of emotion there is and each one leaves its mark over the years. There’s something about Maddy that I can identify with. She’s beautiful, yet I sense that she’s been broken at some time in her life.
“Is Stephen coming?” I ask, before I can think about it.
River takes a deep, irritated breath in, then out through his nose, as he takes his seat. Nina and Josh quickly grab their silverware and place their napkins on their laps, completely ignoring the question. I look around the table and no one is making eye contact. Finally, Maddy looks at me just as confused as I am.
“Who’s Stephen?” she asks.
Now that’s pretty bad. She’s worked for Nina and Joss for quite a while now and she doesn’t even know who Stephen is.
“Stephen is River and Kate’s brother,” Joss answers, looking at Maddy. “He was invited. He isn’t here,” she says, moving her eyes to me.
And that is the end of that.
“This smells amazing as always,” Josh says to Joss, breaking the awkward silence.
Monday morning I wake up at the butt-crack of dawn and the first thing that drifts into my mind is Kate. I skip my coffee and decide to take Sadie for a long, early morning walk before heading to work. When we pass Kate’s house, Sadie looks up at me and gives me those puppy dog eyes that are hard to resist.
“No, Sadie. I’m sure Kate has to work today too,” I tell her, as I look up toward her back deck.
Then I see Kate.
The early morning sun is just coming up over the horizon, and I stop in my tracks when I see her. She’s sitting on the deck perfectly still in some sort of yoga pose. It’s beautiful. Even from where I am, I can see the definition of the lean muscles in her arms raised over her head, with her palms pressed tog
ether and her fingertips pointed up toward the heavens. She has on what looks like a sports bra and tight shorts. Her hair is piled high on the top of her head, and her stomach is exposed, revealing well-defined abs. The definition of her ab muscles are so prominent, I’d actually consider them a six pack. She has on a pair of expensive, state of the art headphones over her ears, and she looks like a gorgeous model that you might see on the cover of a fitness magazine. Her hands slowly come to the center of her chest, then she takes one of her heels in her hand and raises her leg almost straight up in the sky. She has perfect balance. Her shadow gracefully moves on the surface of the deck, as she slowly moves her body. My hamstrings start to ache at the thought of putting myself in that position.
Sadie lets out a bark, Kate’s eyes pop open, and she catches me staring at her. Her lips slowly turn upward into a warm smile. I close my agape mouth, raise my hand, and wave at her like I’m just passing through, then continue walking Sadie.
“Morning Cooper, morning Sadie,” Kate calls from the deck.
She pulls her headphones off her ears, then she gets to her feet and walks to the railing.
“Morning,” I call back with a wave.
Sadie again barks, then jumps up and down, and pulls on her leash to get me to let her go. I unhook her leash and she runs toward the stairs, then gallops up them two at a time. I jog toward them and climb the stairs. At the top, I freeze, then jump into action.
“Sadie!” I yell. “Off!” I command when I see Sadie on top of Kate on the deck.
I stop yelling when I see that Kate is giggling and wailing with laughter, as Sadie full on assaults her with sloppy, wet dog kisses to her face and neck.
“Sadie! That’s enough!” I say, trying to get her to let Kate up.
Kate sits up and hugs Sadie around the neck as one of the back doors to River’s house opens up.
“Kate! What’s going on? Are you alright?” River asks concerned, stepping outside.
“Yes, River, I’m fine. I’m just saying good morning to Sadie,” she says, looking at me with a smile.
“You need to hurry up. Josh and I are leaving early this morning if you want a ride to the office,” he says, then goes back inside and closes the door.
“I’m so sorry about Sadie,” I say, leashing her.
“Are you kidding? That was the best morning kiss I’ve ever received,” she says, standing up.
“It was? I mean, then good girl Sadie.” Once again, I’m jealous of my own dog. Maybe I should have run up the stairs, wrapped my arm around Kate’s back, and kissed her like a mad, starving man. “It sounds like you need to get going. Have a good day,” I tell her.
Couldn’t I think of anything better to say?
“You too,” she says, sweetly.
“You know, my office is only two blocks from Mason Group. We didn’t get dinner last night, so what if we meet somewhere for lunch today?” I find myself asking, finally pulling things together.
“Lunch?” she repeats.
“You do get a lunch hour, don’t you?” I ask, jokingly.
“Yes, of course, I get a lunch?” she replies.
“There’s this great sandwich place called Meat and Loaf. It’s exactly one block between our two offices. We could meet there. Say, noon?” I ask.
“That sounds great! I’ll see you at noon,” she says, as River opens the back door again.
“Five-minute warning,” he says, then closes the door.
“I really need to get going. I’ll see you at noon,” she says with a smile. “See you later, Sadie,” she says, patting Sadie on her head.
I watch Kate walk back into the pool house, then Sadie lets out a disgruntled moan as she lays down on the deck on all fours.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I tell her, giving her a soft tug on the leash. “Let’s go. What is it with you lately?” I ask, as I gently pull her to her feet.
At the office, I find myself checking my watch every five minutes to see if it’s time to meet Kate for lunch. Finally, at a quarter to twelve, I leave the office and walk to the restaurant. It’s a beautiful sunny day and the sidewalk is busy with people, but nothing is more beautiful than what catches my eye. Kate is casually leaning against the wall just outside the restaurant with her nose buried in her cell phone. I come to a stop in front of her and she raises her beautiful face, looks at me, and smiles. That smile of hers lights my heart on fire. She slips her cell phone into her large purse slung over her shoulder, then we walk into the restaurant.
As we wait in the somewhat long line, I study her face and notice for the first time a faint scar above her left eyebrow. I also see that same nervous look on her face I’ve seen before.
“How’s your day going so far?” I ask, trying to ease the tension.
“Good. You?” she returns.
“Better, now that I’m here with you,” I say.
Her face instantly lights up with a mix of delight and a little of that nervousness again.
“How did you get that scar above your eye?” I ask, gently touching it with my finger.
“What can I get for you?” the young gentleman behind the register asks.
“I’ll have a Rueben sandwich with extra sauerkraut, a side of cole slaw, and a bottle of water please,” I tell him, digging my wallet out of my pants pocket. “And whatever she’s having,” I continue, looking at Kate.
“Oh, that’s alright. Mason Group has an account here,” she replies. “But, thank you.”
“The usual, Ms. Mason?” the man asks her, with a smile.
“Yes, please,” she replies.
Funny, I’ve never seen her here before. I come here at least once a week.
“For here or to go?” the cashier asks.
“For here,” I answer, letting it go that Kate didn’t let me pay for her lunch.
I thought this was a thank you for watching Sadie. Or maybe, she’s opening the door to another date opportunity. Dinner perhaps?
“Look, a table just opened up by the window. Did you want to go grab it?” Kate asks. “I’ll grab your lunch for you,” she finishes.
“Sure,” I reply.
I get the only available table in the restaurant and wait for Kate. A few minutes later she comes over carrying a tray and sets it on the table in front of me. She removes a white paper bag from the tray, but doesn’t have a seat.
She’s not staying?
“Did something come up?” I ask.
Maybe she got called back into the office while she was waiting for our food or something.
“You asked about the tattoo on my wrist and the scar on my face,” she starts.
“Can we sit down and talk about this?” I ask, trying to get her to stay.
She doesn’t sit, so I stand up, look her straight in the eyes and read that all familiar nervousness again.
“I’m going to lay this all out in the open. Full disclosure. That’s best anyway, right?” she starts, then takes a deep breath. “I’ve been out of rehab for six months now,” she continues.
“Rehab?” I question with concern.
Like drugs or alcohol? I wonder.
“The tattoo. I told you it was to remind me that I am the author of my life and that it isn’t over yet. A little over a year ago . . . gosh, this is hard to say out loud. I tried to commit suicide by downing a bottle of prescription-strength pain meds that didn’t even belong to me. Since I was a little girl, I’ve struggled with a lot of crap that life seems to throw at me on a consistent basis. I won’t get into it because, honestly, I don’t think that it will matter. But, I think you should know up front that currently I’m in weekly mandatory therapy. I also have monthly mandatory home inspections to check for drugs and paraphernalia that I might use to kill myself. I’m on a strict diet and exercise program. I mostly can’t function without music plugged into my ears, and I struggle on a daily basis to keep myself in check. And when I say keeping myself in check, I mean resisting the mostly always there urges to commit suicide. I mean, I’m not
in that frame of mind, but I live day-to-day hoping I never go there again . . . but anyway. I live with River because he basically has legal control over every move I make. I think that it’s only fair that you know the whole truth before you invest your time on someone . . . in someone who’s broken,” she says, grabs the white paper bag off the table, then leaves the restaurant.
I watch in stunned silence as she leaves the restaurant. A woman who looks like Kate is the last person I’d think would have suicidal feelings. I turn my attention back to my meal sitting on the table and notice there isn’t a sound in the restaurant. All eyes are on me. I sink into my seat, then realize that I just let her walk out of the restaurant without trying to stop her. Then I realize that suicide has no face. Thinking that someone like Kate wouldn’t be affected by something like suicide is naïve thinking.
I listened to all she had to say and the only thing I can think about is the fact that she thinks she’s broken. None of the other things she said matter to me. Sure, I’m concerned about the suicide part and the fact that she still needs to be monitored for it, because that means she thinks she’s not worthy of the life, the gift, that she’s been given. But, what I first thought was nervousness becomes clear now. She’s so unsure where she belongs in her life that she’s lost sight of the beauty of herself as a person. I see hope and purpose in her, and I see the beauty of life that surrounds her. I now get the attraction Sadie has for her. I don’t just see broken . . . she’s beautifully broken into a million pieces. Those pieces are scattered all around her, and she just can’t see their beauty through what life has thrown at her. I find myself wanting to show her just how beautiful each and every piece of her is, and help her put them back together.
I don’t know what I was expecting when I blurted all of my life’s crap out of my mouth, like word vomit, at Cooper. I quickly walk back to Mason Group and throw my favorite vegetarian sandwich in the trash can once inside the women’s bathroom. I lock myself in a stall for the rest of my lunch break with my headphones pressed tightly over my ears. I can’t listen to the crap my brain is saying about what I just did.
I Hear...Love (A Different Road #2) Page 4