I crouch down and lean against the tub. I flip off my shoes and bring my knees to my chest. I try my hardest to control what I know is coming by breathing deep breaths. The air comes out of my mouth like my soul is having an earthquake. I can’t control the shaking. Sadie claws at the bathroom door to get in, but I can’t hold it together another second and I lose it. Losing it isn’t even the right term . . . this is catastrophic. I start to sob hysterically.
I can’t catch my breath, my clothes are too tight. I rip my dress shirt open and buttons go flying every which direction. I tear it off, then rip it into pieces. Sadie violently barks on the other side of the door, but it only adds to my frustration and makes me cry harder. The door begins to bang violently in the frame as Sadie tries to claw her way inside. I look to my side and see the crumpled piece of paper River slid across the table. I tear the judge’s order into pieces, then throw it above my head. It floats through the air like the white fluffy part of a dandelion, then rests face up on the floor, mocking me. I feel it all coming up. Those poisonous thoughts and venomous voices, the ones that invade everything good and destroy them like a flesh eating disease. I don’t want them to, but they crowd every minute space in my head.
Everyone would just be better off.
No, fight through it.
It’s so easy to fix.
I won’t.
The answer is an arm’s length away.
I won’t do it.
I don’t allow myself to have even a baby aspirin in my possession. There’s nothing in here. It only makes me cry louder that these thoughts can still race through my head like wildfire. I cover my ears with my hands and beg for it to stop.
Stop talking to me.
Stop telling me it’s my only choice.
I feel invisible like no one can see or understand the real me.
I make a large pot of coffee, then set out two coffee cups and Kate’s coffee cream on the counter. I whistle to myself while I get dressed for work, then I put some food in Sadie’s dish for her to eat when she gets here. I fill my cup and take the first delicious sip of hot coffee.
I finish my first cup and pour a second. When that’s empty, I look at my watch. I wonder where they could be? I’m going to be late for work if they don’t show up soon. I drink a third cup, then decide to go over there.
I walk down the beach and up their steps to the back deck. I look into the main house through the wall of doors and don’t see any movement. I walk to the pool house and look inside. No movement in here either. Where are Kate and Sadie? I knock on the glass door, cup my hands next to my eyes, press it to the glass, and look inside again. Immediately, Sadie charges through the house and comes to a sliding stop on the other side of the door. Spit flies from her mouth as she barks hysterically at me, then she paws on the glass door with force.
Instantly my heart sinks and fills with fear.
“What’s wrong Sadie?” I ask, scared.
I’ve never seen her like this. She barks and, again, beats on the door with her paws and nails furiously. If she bangs any harder, she’ll break the glass. I try the knob and the door opens.
I quickly push the door open, and Sadie immediately takes off and runs back through the room. I follow her into Kate’s bedroom to a closed door. She barks again and paws at the door. There are several deep gashes in the door where she’s been trying to get in.
I run to the door and open it frantically. I look around and see Kate sitting on the floor in a bra and a business skirt with her back against the tub, her knees are drawn up, and her forehead is resting on her arms on her knees.
She’s lifeless.
Sadie crawls on the floor over to Kate and lays down next to her whining. I rush to her and shake her shoulders.
“Kate! NO! What did you do? What did you take?” I scream, looking around the room for evidence.
When I don’t see anything, I look back at Kate and yell at her again.
“Kate! What did you do?” I ask. “Sadie, what did she take?” I ask, looking at Sadie like she should know.
“Nothing,” Kate finally whispers in a calm voice. “I didn’t take anything and I didn’t do anything,” she says, rolling her head to the side so I can’t see her face.
I collapse to the floor on my hands and knees at her side in relief. I grab my chest and calm my breathing as Sadie noses her way under Kate’s arms, then she lays down partially in her lap. Kate grabs Sadie’s fur in her fists and pulls her close as she starts to cry softly. Sadie doesn’t even flinch.
“What happened?” I ask softly, placing my hand on her shoulder.
Without looking, she reaches to her side, grabs two of the larger pieces of ripped paper, then hands them to me. I take them and see they are two pieces of one document. I piece them together as best I can and read it. It looks like it’s a legal document denying her to have the conservatorship removed. There has to be more to why she’s like this. That wouldn’t set her off like this, would it?
“What else happened?” I gently ask.
“I can no longer see you and Sadie isn’t allowed to stay here anymore,” she says, then starts to cry harder.
I sit on the floor, wrap her in my arms, and hold her tight.
“None of that is ever going to happen. River may be able to temporarily hold this over you, but he doesn’t have any control of me,” I tell her.
I get up from the floor, bend down and kiss the side of her head, then reach for the spout on the tub. I turn on the water, then pour in some of the bubble bath sitting on the side of the tub. Just before the bubbles reach the top of the tub, I turn off the water.
“Get up, Sadie,” I say, and gently pat her hip.
She removes herself from Kate’s hold but doesn’t go far. I put my hands under Kate’s armpits and pull her to her feet. I wrap her in a hug and hold her while she softly cries. With her still in my arms, I unzip the back of her skirt and gently push it to the floor. I unhook her bra, press her firmly to me, then remove it down her arms. I take her arms and gently remove her body from mine, and look into her eyes. Her head is down, but I can see her red, puffy, swollen eyes. Her makeup is streaked down her face and her tear-stained hair is matted to the side of her head. While looking in her eyes and only in her eyes, I put my thumbs in her panties and bring them down her legs. I scoop her up in my arms, her arm goes around my shoulder and she pulls me close. I hold her tight for a minute, thanking God above that she didn’t do anything, then I gently place her in the tub. The arms and the front of my dress shirt get drenched as I place her in, but I don’t care.
Her eyes stay closed as her body sinks in the hot, bubbled water up to her chin. Her body uncontrollably jerks with her tears as they continue to fall down her face and into the bubbles.
“Stay in here as long as you need,” I gently say. “Sadie, stay,” I tell her.
I swear the human in my dog comes out again, because the look she gives me tells me she wasn’t planning on leaving, even if I made her. Sadie sits down at the side of the tub, then rests her chin on the ledge. Kate’s hand comes out of the water, then she places her bubble-filled hand on Sadie’s head. Sadie doesn’t even flinch as water and bubbles pour down her muzzle.
I grab a towel from the towel bar and walk out of the bathroom. I head into her laundry room, throw it in the dryer, and turn it on. I go into the kitchen to get her a bottle of water, but stop at the counter. I look in the direction of Kate’s bedroom, turn back around, then rest the heels of my hand on the counter and hang my head. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. When I saw here sitting lifeless on the bathroom floor, I seriously thought she had taken something and she was dead or dying right in front of my eyes. I’m an adult and that just scared ten years off my life. I can’t imagine what it would be like as a five-year-old little girl to watch both of your parents die helplessly in front of your eyes.
Every moment of her beautiful, breathtaking smile she ever smiled at me flashed in front of my eyes, and my world started
to crumble brick-by-brick.
I calm my breathing, then get the water bottle out of the refrigerator. She needs me to be her rock right now. I can’t fall apart on her.
I walk back into the bathroom and place the water on the side of the tub. I sit down on the floor next to Sadie, unbutton my soaking wet shirt, and remove it. I plop it on the floor with a smack and sigh. Sadie lifts a paw and places it on my leg. I grab her paw, then bring it to my lips and kiss her. God, I love this dog. I bring my legs up to my chest and place my elbows on my knees. I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes and take a calming deep breath.
After twenty-five minutes of silence, I turn my head and look at Kate. She hasn’t moved a muscle. She’s stopped crying, her hand is still on Sadie’s head, and her eyes are still closed. I reach my hand into the water to feel if it’s still hot. The water is lukewarm, so I get up off the floor, then let some of the water out. I turn on the hot water, squirt in some more bubble bath, then fill it once again. I turn back around and sit back down on the floor next to her.
I’ll sit on this damn floor all day and night, and keep refilling the tub with hot water if that’s what she needs me to do.
After another twenty minutes, she finally moves. She leans forward and releases the drain. I get off the floor and go into the laundry room to get her warm towel out of the dryer. I grab her bathrobe from her room on the way back to the bathroom. Sadie lifts her head from the side of the tub and looks at Kate. I set her bathrobe on the counter, then I help Kate stand up. I wrap her bubble laced body in the warm towel, then I help her step out. I pull her body to mine and wrap my arms around her. I pull her head to my collarbone and kiss her damp hair. I press the towel to her body to dry her, then grab her bathrobe off the counter. I pull it up her arms and shoulders, then hold it closed with one hand in front of her. I remove the towel with my other hand and toss it to the floor.
I walk her to her bed, turn down the covers, then sit her on the edge. She sits down, rolls over, then Sadie jumps up next to her. I cover her up, kiss her on the forehead, then walk back into the bathroom. I pick up the towel off the floor and hang it back on the towel bar. I turn on the water in the tub, then turn the shower on. I remove the shower head, then rinse the bubbles down the tub. I turn it off, then sit on the edge of the tub.
I dig in my pocket, take out my cell phone and send my boss a very late message telling him that I’m taking the day off, and that I’ll work Saturday to make up the hours.
I head back out to her bedroom, remove her headphones from the nightstand, turn on the music, then place it over her ears.
“Move, Sadie,” I say to get her to move in front of Kate.
I get into bed next to Kate and press my chest to her back. She lets out a sigh, then within five minutes her breathing becomes steady and she falls asleep.
My eyes open and I’m confused as to where I am. All I know is, I’m freaking hot and it’s radiating from all around me. I remove my headphones and set them above my head. Sadie is pressed to my front with her nose a half an inch from mine. I look over my shoulder and see Cooper sleeping, pressed tight against my back. Sadie’s eyes open and without lifting her head, her tongue comes out of her mouth and she licks my nose. I scrunch my nose at her, then raise my hand to pet her.
My entire morning comes back to me. The fight with River and everything I thought after. All those thoughts were like an uncontrollable flood. They just couldn’t be stopped. But, this was the first time I fought the good fight and I won. I wanted nothing more than to grab something and feed the voices in my head, to answer their pleading to end it all. My mind reeled with choices. I knew I didn’t have any pills. That didn’t stop the thoughts of other things. Bleach, peroxide, nail polish remover, they all crowded my brain, the possibilities even in a small bathroom were endless. All of these things were in the bathroom with me. They became larger than life and they were all I could think about, but I didn’t do it.
I. Didn’t. Do. It.
I’ve worked so hard to dig myself out of the depths of depression. I heard Sadie barking at me and I thought about Cooper. Even through the darkness, I saw in my head the way he looks at me. When I smile, it makes him smile. I see the way his face lights up when I’m around. I thought about that, and I thought about what his face would look like if he found me laying dead on the bathroom floor having committed suicide. I think because my mom and dad aren’t here, and River was angry for so long until he met Joss, and Stephen shows no emotion, I never pictured their faces happy or caring if I died.
I saw Cooper’s happy, caring face.
It was the sliver of light I needed.
I couldn’t stand to imagine the look it would put on his face if he were to find me like that.
These are all new thoughts I’ve never been able to think before, and I think the fact that I can see this point of view holds hope that depression doesn’t rule my life anymore. Before, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care who found me or what it would do to my family. I never gave it a second thought. I could never see past my own pain and the need to just make it all stop.
“Hi,” Cooper whispers, looking down at me.
I turn my head to look at him. He’s propped up on his elbow and he’s been looking at me laying here thinking.
“Hi,” I reply.
He puts his forehead down on my shoulder and sighs. He lifts back up and looks at me.
“You scared me,” he whispers.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t have enough faith in you to know that you’ve worked way too hard and you’d never do it. You’d come to me first if it ever went that far, right?” he asks.
“I most definitely would,” I tell him the truth.
“You promise?” he asks.
“I promise,” I answer.
“Are you hungry?” he asks.
“I am,” I tell him. He kisses my shoulder, then rolls over and starts to get up. “Cooper,” I call.
“Yeah,” he says, rolls back over, and looks at me.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he replies.
“Yes, I do. Thank you for everything you did. I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. You . . . uh . . . ,” I start to say.
“I didn’t look. I promise,” he quickly says.
Didn’t look? Oh my God, he had every opportunity to see me naked, but the gentlemen he is . . . he didn’t.
“No,” I say and laugh. “I was going to say, you put my music on my ears. You knew all the perfect things to do to help me. Thank you.”
“Anytime, babe,” he says, leans toward me, and kisses me on the lips. “Get dressed and I’ll take you to lunch.”
He gets off the bed, walks to the door, then closes it behind him.
I get dressed, then run a brush through my hair and apply minimal fresh makeup. I look at myself in the mirror, and as hideous as I look from crying, I smile at myself.
I won this round.
I am strong and I’m getting stronger every day.
Cooper knocks on the door, then opens it slightly and asks, “Are you ready?”
“Yes,” I reply, turn off the bathroom light, then walk into my bedroom. “Come on girl, let’s take you back home,” I say and pat my leg.
Sadie jumps off the bed and follows me into the main part of the pool house. I grab my purse off the back of the chair and see my phone flashing at me, telling me I have a missed call or text. I swipe my finger over the display and see I have several missed calls and texts. I check the texts. There are a few from Joss, asking if I’m alright, to please call her back. There’s a few from Maddy saying the same thing.
Nothing from River.
I quickly text both Joss and Maddy, and say a very short ‘I’m fine,’ then shove it into my purse and turn to Cooper.
“Ready,” I say.
“Did you have somewhere, in particular, you’d like to go?” he
asks.
“No, just as long as it’s not in Malibu,” I tell him.
We leave Sadie home and drive an hour outside of Malibu. I pull into the gravel parking lot of an old, retro looking diner. The front door squeaks as I open it, and the floors have large, shiny, white and black checkerboard tiles. The waitress is wearing a light blue button-up dress with thick white, cuffed, short sleeves and a white apron. She’s even wearing a paper pin on hat.
“Take any seat in the house,” she calls from the large coffee machine behind the counter.
I slide into a booth and Kate slides in opposite of me.
“What can I get y’all?” she asks, stopping in front of the booth.
She pulls a pencil out of her updo, then licks the tip and rests it over her small green order pad.
She’s definitely not from around here.
I order a double cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate milkshake, and Kate orders a veggie burger with a side salad and a lemonade.
She nods her head with a smile, then spears her pencil back in her frizzy orange updo, without writing anything down.
I slowly slide my hand across the table, palm up and look into Kate’s eyes. She smiles one of those breathtaking smiles, that flashed in front of my eyes only a few hours ago, then slides her hand across the table and places it in mine.
My milkshake is delivered in a tall, fluted tip glass with the silver milkshake container on the side. The waitress returns and places Kate’s lemonade in front of her.
She eyes the extra milkshake in the container and smiles.
“You want this?” I ask, sliding it closer to Kate.
“No, I shouldn’t,” she replies.
I take a sip of my milkshake, then let out a loud, satisfied, “Ahhhh.”
“You sure? It’s really good,” I tempt.
“Maybe just one sip,” she says, taking the container.
She removes the straw from her lemonade and places it in the silver cup. She places the straw between her lips and draws up the thick milkshake. I smile at her with a lump in my throat, grateful for the opportunity to see that smile I love so much again.
I Hear...Love (A Different Road #2) Page 9