Josh gently places his hand on River’s shoulder, then slides it down his arm and wraps it around River’s arm. This time, he doesn’t shrug him off, then they walk out the door without another word. Joss wipes both of her hands down her face to dry her tears, then she walks over to me. She raises her hand and tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear, then she gently wipes the back of her hand down my face, drying my tears. She places a soft kiss on my cheek, then turns around and follows River out the door.
Every ounce of flesh on my body feels like it’s on fire. I never told Cooper any of the details about the car accident or my suicide attempt. I can see his thoughts as clear as day splashed in his eyes.
He agrees with River.
Sadie whines, then places her nose in my hand as Cooper takes a step toward me.
No, it can’t be over. It just can’t.
He takes another step closer, but I take a step backward.
He can’t say goodbye. It just started.
He said it mattered. He can’t say it matters, then run when he hears all the gory details.
He takes, yet, another step closer. I shake my head violently back and forth telling him no, and I take another step backward as I try to control my tears.
I don’t want this to be over. I haven’t felt this free and so full of life since before my parents died.
He slowly raises his hand, palm out, silently asking me to stop, then he takes another step toward me.
I’m not naïve. I know exactly where I am in my recovery and what I can handle. Why can’t River see it?
Cooper takes the final step and stops in front of me. His eyes come to mine, and I feel like my million shattered pieces are each shattering into another million pieces.
“I’m going to give you a hug right now, is that alright?” he asks, then wraps his arms around me before I can answer.
His arms wrap around me and I close my eyes. Huge tears fall down my cheeks, as I wrap my arms around him. I feel his sadness and regret radiating from his chest. He doesn’t want it to end either, but I’m afraid because he’s such a good man, he’s letting me go.
God, I wish he’d never let me go. I need his arms around me like the air that I breathe. He’s my safe haven. He’s my calm shelter in my chaotic mind. After this hug, he’ll be gone forever and I fear I’ll never find anyone who sees me for who I am. That thought tears my heart out and only makes me cry harder. Cooper holds me tighter as my whole body trembles with my tears.
“I’m not going to let you go,” he says. “God, Kate, I’m never letting you go. River is wrong. Shh, don’t cry. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere,” he says, squeezing my shoulders. “I’ve got you. I’m not leaving, and you don’t have to leave either. You don’t have to go back to the pool house. You can stay with me tonight, tomorrow night, the night after that, or for the rest of your life, if that’s what it takes,” he says.
I hear his words and they’re conflicting with what my mind is saying he should be saying.
“What?” I say and stop crying, then pull slightly away to look at him.
He searches my eyes, then I see it. That look in his eyes isn’t the look of him letting me go. Behind the initial fear of what River said, is him believing in me wholeheartedly. He’s looking at me, and he sees right through to my soul and he believes in me.
“Kate, I’m not letting you go because of what River said. I think he’s wrong about you. I’ve seen your strength and determination. I won’t lie. I think we need to proceed with caution, but with your therapy, medication, Sadie, yoga, and straight up sheer determination, I believe you can handle anything, including us.”
I smile at him, then pull him back into my arms. He’s not letting me go. None of what River said, scared him enough to run away from me. Despite everything he said, Cooper still believes in me. More importantly, I believe in me, and I believe in that now more than anything. I know staying with Cooper isn’t the right thing to do for our relationship at the moment. I’m not sure what River is going to do, though, when I tell him that we’re going to keep seeing each other.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, brushing my hair away from my forehead.
“I love being here with you and Sadie, and I really appreciate the offer to stay here, believe me, more than you know, but I need to do the right thing. I need to go home and talk to River. He needs to realize that I’m not a kid making bad decisions anymore, and that I’ve changed. He needs to hear it with his own stubborn ears that I’m not backing down. Nothing he can do or say will change the fact that he can’t make my decisions for me, no matter what a judge or a piece of paper says. He can’t stop my heart from falling in love,” I say, then clamp my mouth shut.
He pulls slightly away, looks me in my eyes, then smiles. “I hear you, I see you, and I feel the same way. So, what are you going to do?”
“I think I’m going to go take a walk on the beach to cool down a little bit and do some thinking. Then, with a clear mind and a peaceful heart, I’m going to go talk to River. I’m going to sit him down and make him hear me. If he doesn’t listen, then I have some tough decisions to make,” I tell him.
“Did you want me to come with you?” he asks.
“Thank you, but no, I need to do this by myself,” I answer.
“Alright, but don’t go down to the beach by yourself, take Sadie with you. You can bring her back before you talk to River. Plus, that way I can see you again and give you another hug before you go over there. OK?” he says, running his finger down my cheek.
“OK,” I tell him with a nod. “Come on Sadie, let’s go for a walk,” I tell her.
She bounces up and down on her front legs with excitement, then rushes to the back door and squishes her nose against the glass. There’s nothing prettier than dog nose art on a glass door.
I take her leash off the hook, then Cooper gives me a kiss and squeezes my hand, as I head out the door.
Sadie and I walk side by side down to the beach, then we stand at the shoreline. I unleash her and toss it on the sand, then wrap my arms around my stomach. To my surprise, Sadie doesn’t run off to play with the birds. Instead, she leans her weight against my ankle, letting me know she’s there. I tip my head up to the warm setting sun and close my eyes. My skin still feels like it’s on fire. I’m still hot and sweaty from crying so hard, listening to the ugly, vile things River said. I take a few steps into the water and the cool waves gently wrap around my ankles, cooling my skin. Sadie follows me in and sits at my feet again. Her nose comes up, then she slides it into my hand and rests her head on my thigh.
I pet her head as I listen to the wind sing and the birds serenade in flight. For the first time, I actually hear their beauty. At the moment, my mind is completely free. My thoughts are clear of the garbage and I have a calmness over my entire body, and I enjoy the silence.
I smile up at the dark clouds and listen to the waves crash against the large boulders. It’s a beautiful noise. I take a deep breath and smell the fresh smell of rain in the distance, and I cherish the rare moment of clarity. I have a feeling this is just one of many to come. My skin is still just so hot, though. It feels like lava is coursing through my veins. I take a few more steps into the water until I’m knee deep, then I stop. I bend forward and take an armful of water, and splash it onto my neck and chest. Sadie barks at me from behind, it’s too deep for her to stay standing by my side.
I look at Sadie, then back up at the dark grey sky and horizon. There’s definitely a bad storm moving in. I hope there will be thunder.
I turn around and smile at Sadie a few feet behind me and say, “OK girl, let’s get you home.”
I lift my foot, turn around, and take a step when a large, silent wall of water hits me from behind and knocks me off my feet. I immediately get pushed under water as the large wave buries me. I start to panic and swallow a large mouth full of salty water, as the current swirls around my body and pulls me farther away from Sadie. I pop back up to the choppy
surface, only to be slammed down by another fierce wave and taken deep back under the dark, murky water. When I come to the surface again, I panic more when I realize I can no longer touch the bottom with my feet, and then I realize just how far I’ve been taken out. I wildly flail my arms and kick my legs, to try and stay above the surface. I swallow and choke on the endless fall of water that repeatedly washes over my head.
I can’t swim.
I never could.
As a child, that’s how River and Stephen used to get rid of me, by swimming. When I did go in the water, I used to put on a big show and try to make them think I could swim. I’d always end up in the shallow end, while they played in the deep end by themselves.
I desperately thrash my arms and legs to stay above the surface again, as I choke on the choppy water rushing around my face.
The waves are just too big and too strong. I try to dog-paddle back to shore, but the harder I try, the farther out the current takes me. I hear Sadie barking frantically at me in the distance. In between going under, I see her trying to swim toward me. The waves are just too strong and I’m too far away from her to reach me.
The tide brings me closer and closer to the set of large boulders. The water tosses my body around like a feather in a washing machine. Another huge wave comes in and crashes my shoulder into a boulder, and I feel it crack inside my body. I let out a loud scream as pain shoots down my body. I choke on more water and desperately try to grab on to the slippery, moss-covered rocks. If I can grab one, maybe I can cling to it and wait for someone to help me. Each razor-sharp rock I grab slices and shreds my hands, but through the pain, I try with all my strength to save myself.
Wave after wave, I’m pummeled into the rocks, and I swallow more salty water and gasp for air. Each time I go under it feels like Satan himself is reaching up from hell, pulling and holding me under water.
A larger wave hits me from behind and knocks my head into a rock. Everything temporarily goes dark, then I feel fuzzy, and my vision turns blurry. The surf lightens just a little and the current pulls me away from the rocks, but farther out to sea. I look at the disappearing shoreline and I realize it’s hopeless.
I fight for what seems like hours to stay above water. Hurt, exhausted, out of breath, tired, and no longer able to fight, I calm myself. I roll over on my back and try to stay afloat. Just as quick as the violent storm moved in, it stops. My body floats farther out to sea like a limp rag doll. All is eerily calm. There’s not even a ripple on the water surface. As I look up at the beautiful, clear night sky, the twinkling stars peek out from the dissipating dark, angry clouds.
I start to softly sing the words to Itsy Bitsy Spider.
It doesn’t seem fair that after everything I’ve been through, this is how my life will end. I survived a horrific car accident, and was left with the guilt of my parents’ deaths and River’s blindness. For years afterward I fought with my worthlessness and the need to commit suicide. Finally giving in to my demons, I attempted to end my life. Despite everything, I finally got the help I needed, I fought my depression and finally came out on the other side. So many years of my life I pushed everyone away, only to realize that family and love is everything. It’s an essential key to life and happiness.
Now I’m all alone again.
Everything I’ve triumphed over, all my demons, I persevered. My only regret is that I wish River could have seen how far I’ve come.
I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to love me for my past and for all that I am. Then Cooper and Sadie came into my life. But why? Only to tear them both away from me at the last second. How is that fair to Cooper?
I’m just so tired. My arms and legs are heavy, and so, so cold. I have no more strength left to keep fighting. A small lap of water washes over my face and I sink down several feet into the deep water. With my last ounce of strength, I will myself back to the surface. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I look back up at the stars and concentrate on taking my next breath. Between breaths, I hear the sound of glorious thunder rumble in the distance. I listen to the thunder and let it fill my thoughts, instead of the fear of my mortality.
I make peace with the fact that this is how my life will end. This, after everything I’ve done, is how I will die. I take comfort in knowing that it isn’t by my own hand.
I think about Cooper and Sadie, and I don’t know if it’s starting to rain again or if I’m crying, but I’m deeply sad not to find out where our lives would have gone together. I honestly love him. I wish I would have said those words to him when I had the chance. I think about River, and I sincerely regret everything I’ve put him through. He’s wrong about me though, but I forgive him for how he’s acted these past few weeks, he was only doing what he thought was best for me.
I think about Stephen and if I have one prayer left, I pray for peace for him. I pray he finds what he needs to make peace with his demons.
Slowly, I take one final breath. Unable to fight, water covers my face and I start to sink down into the dark abyss. My body effortlessly sinks, as I’m pulled down deeper and deeper by the current. I open my eyes and I see a bright star streak across the clear black sky. I close my eyes once again, and I make a wish. I wish to feel River’s warm hand in mine one last time. I open my eyes and even in the murky, deep water, I see River’s hand reaching down into the water. With a smile on my face, I slowly reach upward toward the heavens and I take his hand. His fingers lace through mine and peace fills my soul.
My lungs burn for air. No longer able to avoid the inevitable, my body demands air.
I breathe in through my nose.
Instead of fresh, clean air, my lungs fill with salty sea water.
From the back deck, I watch Kate and Sadie walk down to the beach, then stop and stand at the shoreline. The good girl Sadie is, she leans her weight against Kate, letting her know she’s there for her. I think about everything River said to Kate. He’s right. I don’t know everything she went through. I do know that it was in the past and I know how hard she’s been fighting to leave it there, accept it as a part of who she is, and move on with her life. I’m in the present with her, and I know what I see looking back at me every day. I see a strong, confident, determined woman who’s trying desperately to prove to her brother that she’s changed. I see a woman so full of life and love, it radiates from deep inside.
As I think about just how far she’s come, I start to get angry at River for not seeing it himself. I take one more look at them standing on the beach, tap my fists on the deck, then I go back into the house. I go out the front door and walk toward River’s house. Maybe if I talk to him before she does, I can get him to realize what a huge mistake he’s making by not allowing her to spread her wings, and her talk with him will go smoother. He needs to set her free before he breaks her. She’s only going to be able to take so much before she pulls away from him and it ruins their relationship. She’ll end up cutting him out of her life and I’d hate to see that.
I look at Kate one more time, as I pass between the houses, and I smile at her. I walk to River’s front door and knock three times with a firm, determined knock.
The man that held onto River’s arm when he barged into my house, Josh, I believe his name is, opens the door.
“Now isn’t a good time, man,” he says in a hushed voice.
“Who’s at the door, Josh?” River asks heated.
Before Josh can lie to him, I answer, “It’s Cooper. I need a few minutes of your time.”
“Where’s Kate?” he asks pissed off, walking toward me.
“She’s down at the beach with Sadie, thinking,” I answer. “Before she comes home, I need you to know a few things,” I finish.
“So, she’s coming home? I know it had to have been hard for you, but you’re making the right decision,” he says, condescendingly.
“I did make the right decision. I’m not letting her go. We’re going to keep seeing each other.”
“Wha
t!” he says loudly, then takes a step toward me.
“You’re making a very big mistake,” I start to say.
“The only mistake I’ve made is allowing you to be in her life in the first place,” he says.
“Do you even hear yourself right now?” I ask, dumbfounded. She’s a grown woman. “You just don’t get it, do you?” I ask.
“I get everything there is to get about Kate. I’ve been in her life since the day she was born. I was with her in the accident when our parents died. I was there for her every step of the way after the accident. I was there for her after she tried to kill herself. I was the one who put her in rehab and got her the help she needed. I’ve been there with her every step of the way her entire life. You’ve been in her life for what? A second. So, don’t stand there pretending to know what Kate needs and tell me I don’t get it,” he roars.
“You really are blind, aren’t you?” I say.
He comes an inch from my nose, before Josh grabs his arm and holds him back.
“How dare you?” he spits angrily.
“Kate’s so grateful to you and she’s been bending over backward for months to prove to you that she’s completely changed her life around. She’s working a job that doesn’t make her happy, and you can’t see it. She’s living under your strict dictatorship, when all she wants is an ounce of trust and a little freedom to breathe. If you took a step back and take half of a second, you’d see how strong she is. She’s confident, determined, and so full of life and she loves you more than she loves herself. God, she loves you so much, that deep down, I know she’s willing to do just about anything for your approval and happiness. If you would only open your eyes—sorry, it’s an expression, but if you could actually see her, and I don’t mean with your physical eyes. I mean, take a goddamned minute, and actually look at her and the progress she’s made. For God’s sake, you have to feel it all around her. She’s not the same person she was two years ago, or that little girl that was in that car accident with you. You need to get passed the fear, or whatever it is, that’s holding you back from actually seeing her, before it destroys her. Before it destroys both of you, and your relationship, beyond repair. You may have been there when your parents died and when she tried to commit suicide, but if you keep this up, you won’t be there for her future when, God willing, she gets married one day and has your niece or nephew. You won’t be there for any of that. By forbidding Kate not to see me and Sadie is a colossal, fatal mistake. She didn’t enter into this relationship with me without telling me flat out what’s going on in her life. She’s never lied or tried to hide anything from me. Sadie, as strange as it sounds, has been a saving grace for her. They have this connection that’s beyond my understanding. Whenever Kate is stressed, or her mind starts to bring her back, Sadie senses it and puts her nose in her hand and it instantly melts away. I can see it like a physical emotion as it disappears right in front of my eyes. Why would you want to take that away from her? Do you want to know who’s doing her the most harm right now? Well, I’ll tell you, my friend, it’s you,” I say.
I Hear...Love (A Different Road #2) Page 11