by Hazel Grace
I just have to find a way to forgive myself.
“Everyone inside,” our father orders, looping me around to his side and underneath his arm. “We have much to discuss.”
We follow my sisters inside the castle and into the dining room, all of them silently taking a seat and waiting for my father to proceed with his banter. I sit to his right, as he pulls out a seat for me, and rests in the chair at the head of the table.
“Let me preface by stating how proud I am of each one of you,” he asserts, back rod straight as he takes us all in. “At how you all handled yourselves during a situation that you’ve never had to face before. Then let me tell you how disappointed I am of you keeping things from me again.”
Some of my sisters brustle uncomfortably in their seats while I keep my attention on the wooden table in front of me. I can’t bare another emotion right now, let alone my father’s displeasure of the lies and secrets I looped my sisters into.
“At this table there will be a pact made between us. As a family and the King of Lacuna, I demand to know anything that may shift the dynamic of this bloodline. I may not like what I hear, and maybe I haven’t been the most open-minded and patient man when it comes to my daughters. I will work on that if I have all of your words that nothing will remain hidden between us from now on.”
A soft chant of agreements fill the room, along with mine, as I hear the whining of the chair my father is seated in as he shifts his weight.
“Which brings me to my next order of business for you girls. Your grandfather has agreed to a few things, should you be in agreement to them, to keep you safe, happy, and above all for your loyalty.”
“That’s very generous,” Atarah quips at the other side of the table to fill in the silence.
“It is, which is why I hope you all agree to them because he doesn’t hand out things often to anyone.” Clearing his throat, he continues, “He would like you to keep this island while he sets up his own veil of protection for you girls. No one but a Siren may enter nor get through the veil. If someone comes near it, it’d be like hitting a cliff of rocks. You all would be able to come and go as you please.”
“That would be...wonderful, Father,” Rohana replies, her voice slightly shaky.
“Anyone else think it’s a good idea or are you rid of this place?”
“I’m in agreement,” Kali interjects. “I’d like to still come here.” I can feel her eyes on me, along with a few more pairs. They don’t know if I want this place to be buried underneath the sea or protected, so they go with the only safe option, which is what I want.
If I can’t have Dagen and Tobias, I want the place they had their last breath at, no matter how difficult or painstaking it’ll be.
“I’ll pass it along then,” my father proceeds. “Which comes to the other offering from your grandfather, the men you sacrificed.”
My eyes shoot up to him already looking over at me. He shows nothing, no hope or happiness, always hard to read at times when he was speaking of important matters about the kingdom or us in general.
“Both have implied devotion by giving up their lives freely to keep you all safe and give us a fighting chance to kill Taysa. You all get to choose which man you’d like him to bring back, which I’m going to assume lies in the hands of Davina.”
My brows furrow as a tightening in my chest starts to form. “Choose?” It comes as a choke, a broken question that I can’t believe he’s asking me right now.
I can’t pick someone to—
I shake my head violently. “No.”
“No?” My father cocks his head to the side. “You don’t want to pick—”
“No.” I clutch my hands together and try to compose myself in a soft tone. “I’m grateful, honestly I am. But I can’t...there is no possible way…” I’m not able to finish my words because there is no one before the other.
I love Tobias and Dagen differently and entirely with every inch of my whole mind, soul, and heart. I’m not capable nor would I ever pick one over the other. I’d rather live without both of them. Not add on to my guilt by deciding who gets to live and stay dead.
“Are you sure?” my father presses. “Davina, this is a once in a lifetime—” I give him a curt nod.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
His gaze stays on me a second longer before looking back at the table. “Does anyone else want to say anything about this?”
I follow his contemplation over my sisters, and it falls on Atarah, who is wearing a guilt-stricken look on her face. Her skin almost matches her hair and eyes with the blanched tone it’s illuminating.
“Davina,” she starts. “This was something I pushed to have happen. They agreed to it but—”
“I was the one who found it though,” Isolde interjects. “I couldn’t find another way at the time.”
“I supported it,” Brylee adds. “Because I wasn’t going to give up any one of my sisters. I’m sorry, Davina.”
I open my mouth, but Kali speaks beside me. “It’s better to have one than none. You should pick.”
“No,” I repeat. “It’s done.”
“Do not let your stubbornness oversee this opportunity,” Father professes. “If you need to think about it—” I’m on my feet, looking down at him while everyone stares at me with Zeus knows what kind of look in their eyes.
It’s pointless, my decision isn’t going to change.
“Please tell Grandfather that I am extremely grateful for his generosity in letting us keep the island. I love it here, I wouldn’t want it to disappear. But as far as the pirate and the Viking are concerned, I’ll kindly decline the offer. Please send my wishes to him.”
And with that, I push the chair back with the back of my knees, hearing the wood scrape against the tiles, and leave the room.
Leaving the only hope of seeing one of them again behind.
A school of yellow fish swim together in a flock within my vision, pulling me out of my deep thoughts of inner turmoil that I keep drawing to. It feels like an entire century has passed even though it’s been less than two days that I killed Taysa, and today we’re burying Tobias and Dagen.
For a pirate, normally a man that had passed away was shrouded in cloth and tied to two cannon balls. The thought of sea creatures eating away at his body made me vomit this morning, so we decided to keep him with Dagen and his traditions.
On a small ship that Sullivan and his men made, we’d send them both off to sea on it after lighting it on fire. It was reserved for men with high honor and, with them being brothers who just found out about each other, I thought them finding peace together might be nice too.
“Davina!” Through the ripples of the water, I hear Rohana’s voice somewhere on the beach. Since the veil has fully dissipated, the ocean doesn’t burn or irritate my skin anymore, so it has become my new hiding spot when I can’t stand being on the island anymore and need space away.
Another holler of my name and I push myself from the ocean floor to peek through the calm waves. Rohana’s lavender hair softly blows in the wind, and she cups her eyes against the sun in search for any sight of me, walking down the opposite side of the beach. A slow grin creeps up my lips at her innocence and sweetness that she’s provided for me since everything happened. Last night, she wouldn’t leave my side, sleeping on the side of the bed Dagen slept in when he was here. It keeps some of the memories but not all.
Blowing the surface of the water, Rohana stands about ten yards to the right of me and a few feet from the small wave that I just orchestrated to crash over her. The moment the cool water splashes over her frame, Rohana is already turning in my direction. Hair matted to her face, dark purple eyes in slits, and a frown trying to make me feel bad.
I do—a little.
But I miss how simple things used to be too. How all of us would spend time together on the beach teasing Atarah about how serious she always is, how Nesrine can’t keep her eyes off any man that graces her presence, and how Isolde tries to practice
on Sullivan and the other guards but getfs scolded and shooed away from her prying.
Another century but it was only a few weeks ago, and two men changed our worlds but flipped mine upside down.
“Did it look like I was hot?” Rohana scolds, brushing back a glob of hair from her forehead. “Because I can assure you I was fine.”
“Just trying to keep the sun out of your eyes,” I jeer, stepping out of the water as my legs break apart from my tail.
“Thanks.” She frowns down at her wet clothes and back up at me, just to watch the annoyance flee her eyes and fill with sadness. “It’s time.”
I bite the inside of my bottom lip and give her a nod, walking up the beach to the castle so that I can say my final goodbyes. My sisters have spent all morning picking flowers from the garden to decorate around their bodies but insisted I keep Tobias’s gun and Dagen’s dagger. Isolde agreed to shoot the arrow to light the ship on fire because I was afraid I’d miss.
I knew I’d miss because I won’t be able to keep myself together.
Not seeing either of them since the day they took their last breath, I readied myself to see them one last time. Rohana informs me that everything is ready in the large study, where it was quaint and quiet, telling me to take my time as they wait for me outside.
Striding slowly through the large foyer, I turn to my right, focusing on each inhale and exhale.
I’m not sure I can do this.
I don’t think I’m strong enough to see the both of them lying together knowing that I did what they wanted me to do. But also that I wouldn’t be able to tell them that their sacrifice wasn’t for nothing. The emptiness is too great, but to honor them both, I need to.
One last goodbye.
One last kiss to their foreheads.
One last conversation.
About to turn down the short hallway that Father uses when he’s here, I slam into another body. Hands grip my arms so that I don’t fall over, and when I glance up to tell whoever it is that I’m okay, my heart stops altogether.
“Hey Princess.” Brown eyes gleam down at me, full of admiration and relief, as I blink twice to make sure I haven’t fully lost my whole mind during the last minute I was left alone.
A heavy exhale leaves my lips. “Tobias?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” I jolt into the few inches between us and slam my chest into his, wrapping my arms around his waist as I cling to him for dear life.
His body is warm, feeling completely real and not made up in my head. His voice is that mellow tone that he has, always teasing and calm. And his face—
My head jerks to it, examining his temple where I hovered the gun over. “Oh my, your head.”
I reach for it, not seeing any holes or blood, but Tobias clasps my hand and wraps his fingers around my palm. “I’m fine, I promise. Good as new.”
“You’re a ghost.”
He smiles. “Not a ghost.”
“I’ve read about this, you’re back to haunt me because—”
“Davina, I’m not a blasted ghost.” He raises his brows. “You’re touching me, aren’t you?”
“I think I was thrown in the water too hard,” I deadpan.
His eyes narrow. “Would love to hear that story later but still not a ghost.”
I squeeze his hand, feeling the rough calluses on the pads of his fingertips. “You’re real.”
“I’m real, Princess.” I hug him again, tighter this time, as a sob that has been struggling to be released does. “Please don’t cry.”
“You don’t even know,” I choke out into his chest. “How...hard it was.”
He brushes my hair with his hand. “I can only imagine.”
“I missed you so much. I blamed myself for—”
“Hey.” He pulls me from the warmth of his body and forces me to look up at him with a crook of his finger under my jaw. “I told you already. We both chose to do this. We both chose…” He stops, averting his eyes from me as he stares off into the foyer behind me.
He doesn’t have to say it, I already know because I know my sisters and I know my father. I know that they’d pick Tobias over Dagen because he was the safer option, not that they didn’t grow to like Dagen but because Tobias has been in my life far longer. He knew me and how much of a pain I was. That he’d always be here, no matter what.
But it still twists that vital organ with the realization that Dagen isn’t here.
“I’m sorry,” Tobias utters, releasing my jaw and tucking his chin into his chest. “I know it probably wasn’t—”
“Don’t you dare say it,” I scold. Taking both of his hands in mine, I lace my fingers with his. “I would never choose him over you or vice versa. No offense, but I didn’t pick either of you.”
“That makes me feel better,” he mutters.
“Tobias,” I coo. “You can’t begin to know how much I missed you. I am so happy to see you...it doesn’t feel real.”
“I think I know.” He drags his head back to my eyes. “I missed you from the last moment I remember.”
Another embrace with his fingers running up and down my back then a heavy exhale from his chest.
“You need to...I already got to say goodbye.” I bow my head in response and pull from his grasp. “I want you to know that I’m okay with everything, Davina. I know you love me, but you love him too, and I’m good with having some of your love rather than nothing at all.”
“You’re too good to me,” I whisper. “Way too—” The red bottle that Taysa was holding is pulled from his back pocket.
“Shut up, Princess, don’t make my head bigger than it already is.” He offers me the small jar. “Your sisters told me to ask if you wanted this to be buried with him.”
I numbly take it and hold it to my chest. “What would you do?”
“I think it’d be a great way for them to get to know each other. Let them be in peace. I’ll be waiting for you outside.” He kisses my forehead before turning on his heels, leaving me to my own chaos brewing in my head.
My own panic that starts to spread through my whole body.
I still have to fully say goodbye to two people, I just didn’t know I’d have to relive one.
The smell of leather and a flowery scent wafts around us together as I gaze down at Dagen’s peaceful face. Laying on a bed of white sheets with yellow and purple petals surrounding his whole body, he looks like he’s already in paradise. The sunlight beams through the windows as a warm breeze brushes some of his long hair into his face.
I push it back, feeling his dry skin and the softness of his mane. My palm skims down the stubble of his cheek, down to the beard he grew along his jawline. I remember the prickled tingle that hit the pads of my fingertips as I studied it. That I loved the roughness and dangerous look about him. It’d be the last time I’d get that feeling, throwing another gut-wrenching punch into my already empty gut.
Clasping my mother’s jar tightly in my other hand, I rub the glass as though she might feel it. Possibly to gain some courage while standing here so I don’t spend the whole time crying at his feet and begging him to come back.
“This is my mother, Kiherena,” I tell him. “She would’ve loved you. Would have chuckled at your broodiness and how you liked to think you were so tough. She would’ve seen right through your softness and tried to coax it through, which she would’ve accomplished. It was hard not to be calm and tranquil with her around.” A soft chuckle leaves my lips. “I mean, I was a rowdy child, she got even myself to quiet down.”
Silence answers me, threatening my self-control to weaken.
“I used your dagger,” I continue to keep myself talking. “I sliced through some tentacles to get out of a bind with Taysa. You would’ve been proud, I held up my part of the bargain.”
More eerie stillness.
“Two giant eels too, my sister and father took them down while I dealt with your—”
Super inappropriate to talk about his mother like that. I mean, Dagen knew what she was b
ut still…
I clear my throat. “I had a ship built for you. It’s not large, but I did an engraving in it. I studied how your clan wrote, all the different symbols and signs that you use, so I carved ‘Blood’ on the side. No one else is going to call me that, so I thought I’d use it one more time.”
Squeezing the glass, I fight back my frustration and the burning sensation of tears.
“Um, my grandpapa said we could keep the island. I can go back and forth when I please, and he made up his own veil, this one won’t be broken, of course, nothing but a Siren can get through it. I don’t know how that would work because Tobias...he’s here.”
More quiet.
“That was the other thing. He wanted me to choose between...I didn’t choose. It was ludicrous. How could I pick between the two of you? I shouldn’t have to choose between the two of you because we should’ve never been here. You should be home with that ugly Edda and running your clan, alive.”
I bite my lower lip, keeping wrecked sobs at bay.
“You should’ve never come here. Just stayed where you were at and told your father that he was mad. Dragons—” I scoff. “—who has ever seen a dragon? They’re in books, Dagen, books. Who would sail so far for a stupid cuff that you know nothing about?”
I glance at his face, which remains neutral.
“You’re going to say you don’t question your father, well, maybe you should’ve,” I snap. “Now I have to live with this. I have to relive that moment in the water over and over again and feel you leave me. I had to see the life leave your eyes and recall everything.”
I don’t stop the whimper that cracks through my chest nor the tremble that won’t stop shaking my body. I need to get this all out so I can try my best to keep moving because I need to make sure I’m here for Tobias.
“I hate you,” I wail. “But I love you at the same time. I don’t know how to get through this, without you, I feel so lost. We should’ve never started anything, we knew—we knew deep down that it’d never work. And you died over it.”