But where was Michael? More disturbing than the question of her health was the question of her husband’s whereabouts tonight. And perhaps that was contributing to her stomachache as well. She wanted to call him and ask what was up, but she knew that would sound suspicious. Besides, it was possible he’d run out to grab a bite to eat, then returned to the office. It was possible he was sitting in front of his computer right now, immersed in some important project – and a phone call might interrupt his chain of thought and force him to work even later. No, the bottom line was that she trusted Michael. She knew that in her core. She just wished she knew for certain where he was right now – and if he was okay.
As she turned on the dishwasher, she even considered driving back over there to see if the office lights were on or if his car was parked in its space. Just to make sure he was all right – kind of like a guardian angel. But she was bone tired. Cooking that dinner had sapped what little energy she had . . . and now all she wanted to do was to sleep. She freshened the water in Huntley’s bowl and turned off the kitchen lights, then took a comforting shower, using some lovely lavender shower gel that a student’s mother had given her for Christmas. And then, though it wasn’t even nine yet, she went to bed.
–––––
“You must’ve been tired last night,” Michael told her the next morning as he held out a steaming cup before her. “Care for some coffee in bed?”
She made a face. “No, no thanks. My stomach is a little upset.”
“Oh . . .” He blinked and stepped back. “Sorry. I just remembered how you used to like coffee in bed on Saturday mornings.”
“Not this morning.” She quickly got up and hurried past him toward the bathroom. Was he trying to make up for something with her? Coffee in bed? It had been years since they’d done that. She splashed water on her face. What was he up to anyway? Was he acting guilty? And why was she feeling so suspicious? Was her illness inducing paranoia too? Maybe she should check for those symptoms on the Internet. Or maybe her worries over Michael were related to her sister’s confession this week. As she brushed her teeth, she thought about Meredith’s marriage situation and this Cooper guy. It still just made her really mad. What was Meri thinking? Perhaps she wasn’t thinking. And perhaps Anna was doing some kind of transference thing with poor Michael, suspecting him simply because of Meredith’s irresponsible attitude toward marriage.
She continued to hash over these things until she finally decided that she was being unfair to her husband. But by the time she was dressed and ready to face the world, Michael was gone. Fortunately Huntley was gone too, so she figured they were out on a walk together. Good thing too, since poor old Huntley hadn’t been walked in days. Anna turned on the flame under the teakettle, reassuring herself that all was well. She was just pouring a bowl of cornflakes, one of the few food items that didn’t seem to bother her digestive system, when the phone rang.
“Hey, sis,” Meredith said lightly. “When can Jackson and I come by and check out your Christmas tree?”
“Whenever you like.” Anna turned off the flame under the teakettle right before it started to whistle.
“Well, I was thinking this morning would be good. That way I can get in some Christmas shopping later while Jackson is still in good spirits. And then he’ll need an afternoon nap and I’ll need to stop by the dry cleaner and – ”
“This morning is fine,” Anna said quickly. She could tell by the way Meri was chattering away that she was still uncomfortable about her situation. Overcommunication had always been one of Meredith’s favorite smoke screens – her way to obscure what was really going on. Well, whatever. Anna was just as glad to pretend that nothing was going on too.
“Okay,” Meredith said. “We’re on our way.”
–––––
Michael and Huntley had just gotten home from their walk when Meredith and Jackson arrived. And suddenly the house felt overly full and somewhat like a circus. Naturally, all that Jackson wanted to do was to attack their Christmas tree and eat the popcorn strings and pull on Huntley’s ears, although the poor dog finally retreated to the sanctuary of the laundry room. Anna had forgotten what a handful her young nephew could be. But at the same time, it was hard to resist those rosy cheeks, curly hair, and sparkling brown eyes. To Jackson, every new thing was a great adventure that he felt compelled to explore.
“I see you have your hands full,” Michael said as Anna set some of the more precious glass ornaments on a high shelf. “I’m going to run to the office to check on some things.”
She tossed him a questioning look.
“Don’t worry, Anna, I haven’t forgotten about tonight. I’ll be back in time.”
After Michael was gone, Meredith gave Anna a dark scowl. “You told him, didn’t you?”
“Told him what?” Anna pried Jackson’s chubby fingers from their grasp around the pole lamp, then lifted him up so that he could see the top part of the tree.
“You know what.”
“About you?” Anna shook her head. “No way. A promise is a promise.”
“But he acted strange. Like he wanted to get away from me, Anna. Like he knew something. You told him, didn’t you?”
“No, I did not.” Anna was trying to distract Jackson with the stuffed bear that she’d set in a child-sized rocker underneath the tree, although he seemed more interested in turning the rocker into an acrobatic prop than cuddling the bear.
“Then why was he acting like that?”
“Honestly, Meri, he doesn’t know a thing. If he looked like he was trying to escape anything, it was probably me.” But as soon as she said this, she regretted it.
“Escape you? Yeah, right.”
Anna swooped up Jackson just before he tipped over the rocker. “You are a handful, little man,” she cooed at him. “No wonder your mom is plum worn out sometimes.”
“You’re telling me,” Meri said as she collapsed into the club chair.
“I can’t believe you’re taking him Christmas shopping with you today,” Anna said. “Talk about being a glutton for punishment.”
“I couldn’t find a sitter.” Meredith looked hopefully at her now. “That is, unless Auntie Anna wants to have a little visitor.”
Everything in Anna said to say no. Everything except that part of her that loved babies. Still, she rationalized, she wasn’t at her best. It might not be in Jackson’s best interests to be watched by her. What about her stomach problems, her lack of energy? And what if she needed to use the bathroom suddenly? Plus her house was in no way baby-proof. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Meri . . .”
“Oh, I didn’t figure you would want him. Good grief, his own daddy doesn’t even want him. Maybe this is a baby that only a mother can love.”
“No, that’s not it. I do love him. And I’d love to watch him. But my house isn’t really baby-proof, you know? I’d feel terrible if he got hurt.”
“How about the nursery? It’s safe, isn’t it?”
Anna nodded slowly. “Yeah, actually, it is.”
“And Celeste hasn’t taken the crib yet. Couldn’t Jackson have a nap in there?”
“Sure,” Anna said suddenly. “Why not?”
Meredith stood up now and hugged her. “You are the best, Anna. I really don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Anna forced a smile. Unfortunately that was a problem that Meredith would have to figure out on her own . . . someday.
Meredith handed over the diaper bag along with a few directions, then, just like that, she was gone. For the next couple of hours, Anna chased her nephew around the house, trying to prevent him from harm as much as to prevent him from harming something. She tried to put him down for a nap a couple of times, but whenever she placed him in the crib, he began to howl like he was being tortured. She changed his diaper a couple of times, tried to get him to eat some of his baby food, then gave him his bottle. And when it was nearly three and Anna was exhausted and ready to call her sister and let her know that i
t was time to pick up her little darling, Jackson finally started to look sleepy.
Anna set the empty bottle aside and quietly carried him to the nursery, where she’d already pulled the blinds down and gotten the bed ready. She gently rocked him in her arms, making sure his pacifier was secure, then softly sang a couple of lullabies. It really was amazing how this child, who’d been bouncing off the walls just minutes ago, could suddenly grow limp and relaxed in her arms, like a hyperactive marionette whose strings had been clipped.
She leaned over and kissed his warm, moist forehead and then, for the third time, gently eased him into the crib. She tucked the comforter – the one she’d picked out for their own baby – snugly around him, then slowly stood back up and just watched him. She was literally holding her breath as she waited for his eyes to pop open and for him to start screaming again. But miraculously he did not.
She tiptoed out of the room, leaving the door ajar so she could hear him if he woke. Then, still tiptoeing, she went into the living room and flopped down onto the sofa. Right now all she wanted was a nap as well. But just as she closed her eyes, she heard a noise at the front door.
“Hello?” Meredith called quietly. “I thought Jackson might still be asleep, so I didn’t ring the bell. Hope you don’t mind I let myself in.”
Anna glanced up from the couch. “Not at all. Excuse me for not getting up, but I don’t think I’m able.”
“Did he wear you out?”
“He’s got a lot of energy. And he just went down for his nap.”
“You mean just now?”
“Yes. Like about three minutes ago. I tried to put him down a couple of times earlier, but he was not interested.”
“Wow, you look wiped out, Anna.”
Anna leaned her head back into the couch and sighed. “I am. Toddlers are exhausting.”
Meredith laughed as she sat down in the club chair. “You’re telling me.”
“What took you so long anyway?”
“I’m sorry. But seriously, it was a total zoo out there.”
“So, did you find what you were looking for?”
“I guess.” Meredith gave her a puzzled look now. “Hey, are you feeling okay, Anna?”
“What do you mean?”
Meredith’s frown lines deepened. “I mean, you don’t look so good – and, come to think of it, you haven’t seemed like your old normal self lately. How are you doing?”
Anna sat up now, hoping to look more like her old self – whatever that was. “I’m perfectly fine.”
Meredith looked really skeptical now. “No, you’re not.”
“What do you mean, no I’m not?”
“I mean, I know you, Anna. Something’s wrong. I can tell.”
Anna felt her eyes getting hot with tears again. She really did want to talk to someone about all that was going on in her life right now. Someone besides God, although she knew that he had been listening, and she knew that she would be lost without that. But this was Meredith . . . what should Anna tell her? Where would she begin? And where would she end? To be fair, her health problem, at this point, was only a suspicion on her part. Okay, it was a very strong suspicion and the symptoms were real, but it could be nothing. And this thing with Michael, well, that was probably nothing too. In fact, it might simply be her imagination.
“I’m fine . . . really.” She forced a tired smile for her sister.
“You mentioned your stomach earlier this week, Anna. Is it still bothering you?”
Anna nodded. Perhaps there was no point in keeping this from Meredith. If anyone knew Anna, besides Michael, it was her sister. “Yeah.”
“How long has it been bothering you?”
“I’m not sure . . .” Anna glanced at the clock on the mantel, like that was going to help her. “Maybe a month or two.”
“And what’s going on exactly? Describe how you feel.”
So Anna told her about feeling bloated and unable to eat and the other things. “It’s probably nothing.”
Meredith came over to sit by Anna on the couch and, with a very serious expression, asked, “Have you been to the doctor yet?”
That did it. The tears were coming now, hot and heavy this time, like the floodgates had been knocked open. Meredith put her arms around Anna and pulled her close. “What’s going on, Anna? Please, tell me. What’s wrong?”
Finally, when Anna recovered enough to speak, and after she’d blown her nose long and hard, she took a long, deep breath. “I think I might have ovarian cancer.”
This time it was Meredith who broke down. She was sobbing now, and Anna was the one comforting her. “It’s going to be okay, Meri,” she said again and again, although she had no idea how it was going to be okay.
“Oh, Anna,” Meredith said finally. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t want anyone to know yet.”
“Why not?” Meredith picked up a pillow and punched it hard.
“Because . . . it’s Christmas, Meri. I don’t want to spoil it. Sort of like you and your marriage troubles. My news can wait.”
“But you are getting treatments, right?”
Anna explained the insurance dilemma and how she didn’t want to get a diagnosis before they had a policy in place. “They would consider it a previous condition.”
“Who cares about insurance! We’re talking about your health.”
“Don’t you understand? Without insurance, we could go bankrupt, Michael could lose his business.”
“I don’t care. You need to get in to see a doctor, Anna. ASAP.”
“A couple of weeks won’t hurt and I – ”
“Baloney, Anna.” Meredith stood up now. “I’ve read up on this thing. Once I hit my midthirties, I started going in for a checkup every six months. You know that we’re both subject to it . . . because of Mom. And you, Anna . . .” Meri shook her fist. “Oh, I should’ve thought of this sooner. I mean, not only do you look like Mom, you even act like her. You probably have identical DNA.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“And it is . . . except that it places you at higher risk.”
“I’m also the same age as she was.”
Meredith blinked in surprise. “Really? That doesn’t seem possible.”
Anna nodded. “I know . . . but it is.”
“And being childless, Anna, you know that places you at higher risk too.”
“I know . . . I just read up on it recently myself.”
“You mean, you weren’t aware of this before – you didn’t know what the symptoms were, or what the risk is?”
“Not really.”
“But you do know now?” Then Meredith began quizzing Anna, naming all the symptoms as if going over a checklist. And each time, Anna nodded.
“I think it’s pretty much a textbook case,” Anna admitted.
“And you haven’t gone to the doctor?”
“I thought it was the flu, Meri. You know we had a bout with it at school in early October – everyone got hit.”
“That was months ago!”
“I know. And I finally put two and two together. I know it’s not the flu now. Right after Thanksgiving – just two weeks ago – I sat down and figured it out.”
“But you didn’t see a doctor.”
“I will.”
“When?”
“I’ll make a doctor appointment next week.” She didn’t add that she’d make it for January and that she’d pretend like she was simply scheduling a routine gynecological checkup.
“Oh, Anna,” Meredith said. “I feel so terrible that I burdened you with my marriage problems and here you are dealing with something like this.”
“It’s okay.” Anna forced a smile. “And maybe I’m okay. Maybe I’m just run-down and need to take better care of myself.”
“And here I go leaving Jackson for you to care for.”
“It was fun. I love him.”
“Does Michael know?”
“No one knows, Meri. Ex
cept you.”
“And you’ll call the doctor on Monday?”
“Absolutely.” Anna would call her too. The appointment would be scheduled.
“And maybe you’re right,” Meredith said. “Maybe you are just run-down. But you need to find out. Knowledge is power, Anna. Especially when it comes to something like this.”
“I really do think I’m just worn out from school and everything. It’s not unusual for this time of year. And I’m so glad to have Christmas break just now. I’m sure I’ll be back to my old self in a week or so.”
Meredith nodded. “Yes, you’re probably right.”
“And I can trust you not to tell anyone.”
“Of course.” She looked up at the clock. “And now I’m going to slip my little sleeping angel out of here so that you can get some much-needed rest.”
“Oh, don’t wake him.”
“It’s okay. He’ll go to sleep again . . . as soon as we get home. And that way I can get a few things done too.” Meredith hugged Anna. “And everything’s going to be okay, isn’t it?”
“Definitely. I know that God’s in control of this,” Anna said, partly to reassure Meri and partly to convince herself. “I really do have a sense of peace about it.”
“Good. Just don’t forget to call the doctor, okay? First thing on Monday.”
Anna nodded. “It’s as good as done.”
“Because I need you, sis.”
“I need you too.”
13
Michael made good on his promise to be home on Saturday night and even offered to take her out, but Anna told him she was too tired. She said that watching Jackson had worn her out, which was partially true. So they stayed home, eating leftover lasagna and watching an old movie. Anna had thought perhaps it would turn into a “romantic” evening, but Michael fell asleep in front of the TV, and Anna was so tired that she headed off to bed herself. But as she brushed her teeth, she realized that she’d never asked him about where he had been the previous evening when she’d attempted to deliver dinner. She had repressed her worries and had told herself that there was some logical explanation and that Michael would tell her all about it and they would laugh and that would be the end of it. But it hadn’t happened.
The Joy of Christmas Page 24