by Dan Smith
‘Still doing it.’
‘But up to this point?’
‘Few years.’
‘A few years? How long have you been here?’
Michael didn’t even turn to look at me as he spoke. ‘Four, maybe five years. Sometimes it’s hard to remember.’
‘But you leave from time to time, right?’
‘What’s it to you?’
‘Just making conversation.’
He paused, his brush coming to a stop on the wood. ‘Yeah.’ He looked down at me. ‘I leave sometimes.’
‘You go home?’
‘This is my home.’
‘So where do you go?’
‘You ask a lot of questions.’
‘Getting to know you. Give you a few reasons to like me.’
He smiled, a twitch, then it was gone. ‘You know Kuta?’
‘In Bali?’
‘Yeah, in Bali.’ Michael loaded his brush and continued painting, the muscles in his forearms bulging and relaxing with his movements.
‘You go to Kuta? We’re talking about the same place, right? Bars, clubs, partying. That Kuta?’
‘That’s the one.’ Now Michael was smiling, too. A real smile. It was the expression I’d seen when I first came to the group. ‘My guilty pleasure.’
‘I bet Kurt loves that,’ I said, wiping the tip of my brush, using a different colour for the singa’s black eyes.
‘You’d be surprised.’
‘But I thought he hates places like that. I mean, the way he talked to me about it—’
‘Sometimes talk is just talk, Alex. Even people like Kurt got to party sometimes. And he’s full of surprises. Just like Domino.’
‘Oh yeah, she’s full of surprises all right.’
‘You like her.’
I used to think I was falling in love with her, but after our last conversation, I wasn’t so sure. But I was still drawn to her. There was still something strong. ‘Yeah, I like her.’
‘Like me and Helena.’
‘You’re together?’
‘Kind of.’ He avoided a real answer, changing the subject. ‘It bothers you Domino’s gone off with Kurt. I can tell.’
I stopped painting, the brush still touching the wood, and I pictured Domino and Kurt walking down to the kampong. Perhaps he would put his arm around her, pull her close.
‘It shouldn’t,’ he said.
I started painting again, rubbing the brush hard against the rough wood, pushing the black paint into the crevices.
‘He’s her brother,’ he said. ‘You know that, right?’
‘Yeah, I know that. We’re all brothers and sisters here, right?’
‘No,’ he smiled. ‘I mean, like, they really are brother and sister. Kurt is Domino’s brother. They’re blood.’
Michael didn’t let me out of his sight that day. Not once. He even followed me to the dunny, but I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to care too much. What he had told me about Kurt and Domino made so much sense. It explained their closeness and, despite myself, I couldn’t help feel as if a threat had lifted. I had tried not to care about their relationship, to be relaxed about it, be more like Domino was, but the stain of jealousy had always been running below the surface of those thoughts. No matter how hard I tried to be someone else, I hadn’t been able to suppress myself, and there was a degree of relief now that I didn’t have to bury that any longer.
We painted for the rest of the morning, but I had no idea how long we were at it. I still couldn’t help looking at my wrist, even though my watch was long gone. I’d wanted to try to relinquish my control over everything, and this place was helping me to do that. Without the touchstone of time, there was no way for me to slot everything into its place.
We stopped for an hour or so at lunchtime and sat to eat fish and rice. Helena was there, but she was quiet and I thought maybe she was still thinking about the burial this morning. I would’ve liked to talk to her about it but when I tried to make conversation, Michael distracted her and she became quiet and withdrawn.
We painted some more after lunch, going right through until dusk, when we sat round the table again for something to eat. There were only six of us at the table for dinner: me, Michael, Helena and Alban, who had loitered near Helena all day and was drawing vicious looks from Michael. Jason stayed in camp, but had been quiet, moving in and out of the woods, saying nothing to anybody, joining us only when there was food on the table. Evie was there, too – a petite girl, maybe the same age as me. From behind she could be mistaken for a boy. She had elfin features and a good nature, always smiling. She generally stuck close to Alban, making me think they were together, but today he’d been showing a lot of interest in Helena.
After we’d eaten, Michael said he had a few things to do and disappeared into the longhouse that was kept locked. I watched him go in, then I went to the fire by the kitchen and sat down to drink a warm beer. My neck was aching from looking up at the longhouse all day, and my eyes were beginning to close because I’d hardly slept last night.
Helena came over and sat down beside me, offering me a joint. ‘There’s stronger if you want it.’
I accepted it, saying, ‘No, this is enough for me. I didn’t take anything at all before I came here.’ I thought about Matt and wondered what he’d taken that was strong enough to put him in the ground. If that’s what had really happened. I stared at the fire for a while without speaking, then handed the joint back to her. ‘You come over here to avoid Alban or talk to me?’
She laughed. ‘You noticed that? He’s been hanging round me all day. I thought Michael was going to burn a hole right through him the way he was looking at him.’
‘Yeah, I think he likes you. Michael, I mean. But I get the feeling it doesn’t go both ways.’
‘He isn’t my type.’
‘Have you told him that?’
‘He doesn’t listen. Won’t hear it.’
‘I can believe that. Kurt already told me he has a short temper, that I don’t want to fall out with him.’
‘Kurt said that?’
‘Yeah. And someone else told me he once killed a man with his bare hands.’ I held my fingers like claws in front of me. ‘You think that’s true?’
Helena smirked. ‘I’ve seen him angry, but … Who told you that?’
‘Jason, I think. Maybe Matt.’ Saying his name made me think of his body lying there in the dirt, with those marks on his neck. I wondered if the marks had been made by a man’s fingers. The kind of man who could kill another with his bare hands.
‘Well, if it’s true, then I guess you should keep away from him.’
I looked at her, seeing a serious expression before her mouth cracked a smile.
‘I’m just kidding,’ she said, but behind the smile, there was a glint of something else in her eyes. As if there was a little doubt.
‘So, anyway, where did you guys meet?’
‘Me and Michael? Sari Club in Kuta. You ever been?’
‘No.’
‘I thought he was pretty cool, but he’s different here.’
‘I know that feeling,’ I said, and we fell into a comfortable silence before Helena spoke again.
‘About what happened …’ she started. ‘I—’
‘It’s OK,’ I said, not wanting her to thank me again for saving her. ‘Anyone would have done the same thing.’
‘What d’you mean?’ She looked confused.
‘I’m not brave,’ I told her. ‘I just swam faster than Michael so I got to you first. Not sure he was so pleased about that, though.’ I was proud of what I had done that day in the lake, but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it; partly because there was a risk of angering Michael, but also because I’d seen her face when Domino came to me in the forest. I was worried that what I had done for Helena was confusing my feelings for her. If she felt like she owed me something, she might be more inclined to attach herself to me.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘No, I meant—’
‘I thought Alban was with Evie,’ I deflected her.
‘What?’ She watched me for a moment, then shook her head and looked at the ground. ‘Oh yeah. Kind of. I’m not sure really.’
‘So why’s he chasing you?’
‘You think I’m not worth chasing?’
‘I didn’t mean that. Of course you’re worth chasing. You’re beautiful.’ The words came out before I realised I was going to say them and I was surprised to feel my cheeks flush.
Helena noticed it, her eyes lifting to mine as soon as I said it. She smiled and I looked away.
‘Sex and death,’ she said, taking a drag. ‘Maybe that’s what got into Alban. Something makes them go together, isn’t that what they say?’
‘I haven’t heard that.’
‘Don’t you feel it, though?’ She glanced around before putting her hand on my knee. ‘I don’t mean like violent death. Not like that. I think it’s about the grief. About wanting to be with someone. The right person.’
‘I don’t know. Maybe.’ I stared into her blue eyes, then looked down at her hand on my knee. She had long fingers, not one of them adorned with a ring. Her wrists were also without jewellery of any kind. I tried to think about Domino, but couldn’t picture her in my mind. Instead I saw Helena, as I’d imagined her when I was in the forest.
‘Alex?’
‘Hm?’
‘I wanted to talk to you about before. Last night. This morning.’
‘This morning?’
‘Yes. In the forest. We—’ But even as she felt for the right words, Michael came out of the second longhouse, turned as he reached the bottom of the ladder, and stared over at us.
‘Don’t reckon he’s too happy about us talking,’ I said, raising a hand to him.
‘No,’ Helena answered.
Michael began to acknowledge the greeting, then he shook his head and stalked over to where we were sitting. ‘I need some help,’ he said, his face serious. His eyes were on me but I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me.
‘More painting?’ I asked. ‘In this light?’
‘Not you.’
‘Me?’ said Helena.
‘Mm-hm. There’s stuff to deal with back here.’
‘OK.’ Helena held up her joint for him to see. ‘Just let me finish this and I’ll be there in a minute.’
Michael faltered between leaving and staying. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again before turning on his toes and returning to the longhouse. He looked back once, before climbing the ladder and disappearing from view.
‘What’s in there?’ I said to Helena.
‘You didn’t ask Domino?’
‘No. It didn’t feel …’ I let my words trail away. ‘I think maybe I was afraid she wouldn’t tell me. I don’t want to be unimportant to her.’ Just like I hadn’t asked her about Kurt. Part of me didn’t want to know the truth – didn’t want to face the truth.
‘Stay with her long enough, you’ll probably get your own key.’
I looked at Helena, seeing a change in her demeanour. I wondered if I’d said something wrong.
‘Only three people have one,’ she said.
‘Should you be telling me this?’
‘You’re one of us now, right?’
‘I guess so.’ I thought once more about what we had done this morning. I had been a part of the ritual, too. I had stood with the others and buried Matt. And it felt wrong. ‘You said you wanted to talk to me, before. Was it about Matt?’
‘No.’
‘What, then?’
‘It can wait. The moment’s gone.’
I studied her expression, wondering what had changed her mood. She wouldn’t look me in the eye. I waited for her, but she continued to stare at the longhouse where Michael was expecting her. ‘So what is in there? You’ll tell me, won’t you? Now I’m one of us.’
‘Our livelihood. It’s where we keep what we sell.’
‘Sell? You mean drugs? You sell drugs?’
‘We sell drugs.’ Helena nodded.
‘I … Jesus.’
‘Does it bother you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Yes. No. I mean, I know about drugs here, but … isn’t it dangerous? Doesn’t it bother you?’
‘It’s mostly just grass. Some wacky stuff. Hippy shit, not killer shit.’ She said it like it was nothing.
‘No, I mean dangerous like what if someone gets caught?’
‘I never thought about it like that. Kurt has someone who looks after that.’
‘You never thought about it? But they execute people in this country, right? That’s what Michael said. He said they shoot people for drugs here. Surely it’s gotta be worse if you’re selling the stuff.’
‘Wouldn’t happen. Kurt has someone.’
‘Kurt has someone.’ I sighed and looked across at the longhouse, thinking the more I found out about this place, the less I wanted to stay here. I wanted to be with Domino, but didn’t want to put my life up for it. Didn’t want to be executed for it. ‘And they keep them in there?’ I said, wondering how much was inside, how many bullets it would buy for us all. Would they line us all up together, or would they shoot us one by one?
‘It was a while before they let me in. I suppose they wanted to know they could trust me, that I was going to stay here. Won’t be much longer before they ask you to earn your keep.’
‘How d’you mean?’
‘Sell,’ she said.
‘What?’ I thought about what Domino had said, what Michael had told me. One of the reasons they didn’t want to tell anybody about Matt’s death was that they didn’t want anyone to come here, to find what we had in the community. Now I understood that a little better. What we had here wasn’t only for our own use. And to take it away from here, to sell it and risk detection – I knew right away that I wouldn’t ever want to do that.
‘You remember those guys who came up here the other night?’
‘Of course.’
‘I guess they have other people, but we sell for them on Samosir and around Parapat.’
‘All of you?’
‘Some more than others. I don’t go out so much. Kurt still likes me to stay close. Says it’s ’cause I’m a good cook, that I’m good at looking after everyone, but I think he’s worried I still have doubts after …’ She bit her lip and looked over at the longhouse.
‘After what?’
‘Nothing.’ She forced a smile, still staring. ‘Anyway, the tourists take to us better. Kurt says they like to see a white face, something familiar. Makes them trust us more. So we do the selling. Keep it in there, take it down and sell it. The money goes in there, too.’
‘So this place is basically just a drug factory,’ I said.
‘Hardly. We don’t sell enough for it to be that. This country isn’t the backpacker haven it used to be. And you know this place is much more than that, Alex. This is just to make a bit of money.’ It sounded almost like a line, a way of justifying it. Someone else’s words, perhaps.
‘I bet Kurt takes his cut, though.’
Helena shrugged. ‘I don’t know why he would. He never goes anywhere. And anyway, who cares? We have enough to eat and to drink.’
‘And that’s all you want? It doesn’t matter you’re risking your life?’
‘Kurt says that won’t happen, that he has a man—’
‘In the police, yeah, yeah.’ I shook my head. ‘I don’t know, Helena; drugs, burials, guns – this place is starting to scare me.’
‘Enough to leave?’
‘Not sure it’s what I want any more. It’s not turned out to be quite what I expected. It’s not exactly paradise, and I don’t fancy getting shot.’ I thought about Domino, but watched Helena, our eyes meeting now, long enough for it to mean something. ‘And you?’ I asked, still holding her gaze. ‘You ever thought about leaving?’
‘Yes.’ Her eyes shifting to the longhouse. ‘I have.’
‘And?’
‘It’s not that easy
. I don’t have anywhere to go.’
‘Nowhere?’
‘Nowhere. No one. Just like you, just like everyone else.’
‘Except Domino and Kurt. Brother and sister.’
‘Yeah.’ Helena turned her body towards me, stealing a look at the longhouse before leaning closer and lowering her voice. ‘Alex, can we talk later?’
‘Of course. What’s wrong?’
‘Not here,’ she said. ‘Not now.’
‘When?’
‘Later. Somewhere quiet.’ She moved away from me and stood up as we heard voices.
Others were coming into the clearing. Kurt and Domino were the first, their expressions serious. Then Freia and Morgan, carrying rucksacks on their back, heavy from the look of them.
I stood, intending to go straight to Domino, but she immediately looked away when she saw me approaching. She said something to Kurt, then broke off from the group and moved quickly towards the longhouse Michael and I had been painting earlier that day.
‘Leave her for a moment,’ Kurt said, coming to me. ‘She needs some time alone.’
‘Is she OK?’ I could see the resemblance. Brother and sister. That’s why they had always looked so well suited to each other.
The others moved around us, going about their business, lighting lamps, preparing food. Michael climbed down from the longhouse, locking the door behind him.
‘She’s had a rough day, what with Matt and …’ Kurt shook his head and looked at the ground for a moment before putting his hand on my shoulder. He turned me towards the fire and encouraged me to walk with him. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Let’s get something to drink.’
I glanced back at the longhouse, seeing no sign of Domino, then resigned myself to spending a few moments with Kurt while he regaled me with more of his stories and philosophies. I’d go after Domino later, tell her I was sorry.
Kurt stopped beside Michael, asking, ‘How have things been today?’
Michael looked at me and shrugged. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘Pretty quiet.’
Kurt nodded, not saying anything for a couple of seconds before re-setting himself once again as if he’d forgotten the smile he’d shown me a few moments ago. ‘Let’s have a drink,’ he said. ‘We brought beer.’
Morgan and Freia set down the rucksacks they’d been carrying and opened them. They began taking out bottles of Bintang beer, placing them on the table in the kitchen area. I could see that the bottles were still cold, condensation sweating on the green glass, soaking the red and white label.