by Dan Smith
I slipped to the back of the longhouse, prepared myself for what I was going to find, and nudged up the trapdoor. Michael’s ‘exit strategy’. I spied through the crack, but it was too dark inside to see much. Pushing it further and climbing in, I knew straight away that Domino was not there. Our thin mat was unoccupied on the floor of the longhouse. I scanned the interior for any sign of her, but saw nothing. I couldn’t even tell whether Kurt and Michael were back in their beds.
I took the key from round my neck and slid it into the lock on the old cupboard, turning it until there was a gentle click. I opened the door, wincing at the quiet creak, reached in and felt nothing.
Without thinking I put one hand to my mouth while the other moved across the dusty surface of the empty shelf. There was nothing on it at all. I felt further, touching every surface, but the cupboard was bare.
I stopped searching and closed my eyes, pressing my hand tight against my mouth. I wanted to smash my fist into the cupboard door. I wanted to stamp my feet and tear the place apart, searching for my belongings. I took a deep breath to calm myself, sucking the air through my nostrils, the noise of it loud in the quiet longhouse.
I composed myself as best as I could and considered my limited options. Domino must have returned to the longhouse and taken my money-belt, realising that I’d leave. Perhaps Kurt had it now. Maybe Domino had told him what I’d seen and they were cutting off my means of escape. They might even be waiting for me somewhere outside. I squinted and looked down the length of the building to see if Kurt and Michael were in their beds. There were bulky shapes down there in the fading darkness, but it was impossible to know for sure.
I stared at the far end of the longhouse and made my decision. I’d run anyway. Just as I was. With nothing. Perhaps I’d go to Hidayat, take up his offer of help. When he’d fixed my shoulder, he’d warned me about this place, told me to go to him if I needed to. And if I could make it back to Medan, there was always the consulate. It made life difficult, but there wasn’t much else I could do. They may have taken my best means of survival, but they still didn’t have me. I wouldn’t be the first traveller to lose his money and his passport. And there was always the police. If I went to them, I might even be able to retrieve my belongings.
I took one last look around the longhouse and turned to leave when something caught my eye. Someone close by, a few beds away, had moved and was now propped up on one elbow. A shaft of grey light fell through a crack in the roof and sliced across her shapeless form.
‘Alex?’ It was Helena’s voice whispering to me.
I pushed the cupboard door to, left the key in the lock and tiptoed over to where she lay. I crouched beside her, putting my face close to hers, touching a finger to my lips. She nodded, moving her face into the shaft of weak light and I saw the puzzlement in her eyes. I shook my head at her once, then did something that took me by surprise. I leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. And before she could say anything else, I stood and crept away from her, letting myself back out through the trapdoor.
I was halfway across the clearing – halfway towards the safety of the trees – when I heard the sound behind me. A quiet click. Feet on the rungs of the ladder. Soft footfalls approaching. I stopped and turned, knowing that she had followed me.
‘You’re leaving,’ she whispered.
‘Yes.’ I looked around, feeling exposed standing in the middle of the open space, where the last of the moonlight fell through the open canopy.
‘Let me come with you.’
I wasn’t sure what to say. Part of me wanted to say yes to her but I had a strong feeling that if I took any part of this community with me, the malignancy of this dark paradise would follow me.
‘You should stay,’ I told her.
‘No.’ She shook her head, urgency clear in her quiet voice.
‘You don’t mean that. We have something, don’t we? There’s something there. We’re friends.’
There was a desperation in her voice that I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want her dependence. I didn’t want her to project something on to me because I was her only way out. I didn’t want her to attach herself to me as I had done with Domino. ‘Of course we’re friends.’
‘Then let me come with you.’ She held up a hand and for the first time I noticed she was carrying a small bag, the kind of bag someone might use to carry passports or tickets. It was her lifeline.
I sighed and looked at the ground, finding no inspiration there. Helena was desperate. Like me, she had no one. Like me, she was alone. I couldn’t leave her in this place any more than I could stay here myself. ‘All right, I—’
‘You two OK over there?’
We both stopped dead, staring at each other, then turning in unison to look into the near-darkness of the shadows at the far side of the clearing.
I squinted, stepping closer, seeing the small, red eye of a cigarette lift, glow, then drop. I heard the exhalation of smoke, then Kurt spoke again. ‘Come closer. Both of you.’
Now I could make out his silhouette, sitting at the table, and I cast my eyes around, wondering where Michael was. Perhaps behind us, knife in hand, waiting. So I had been right. Domino had told them what I had seen. She had told them and they had taken my belongings and they had come to wait for me. I tried not to be afraid. I tried to be strong, but in my mind I saw the blade of Michael’s machete, the same one we had used in the forest when we had cut down the trees; the one Kurt had used to remove the pig’s head. I saw the execution stone, livid blood on its dry, expectant surface. And I saw a grave, a fresh hole containing a fresh body and I heard, once again, the ugly patter of soil thrown onto dead skin.
I felt Helena reach out and her fingertips brushed against my own. I pulled away.
‘Come on,’ Kurt said again. He didn’t raise his voice; it was a serpentine whisper in the night. Firm but quiet. Demanding.
We went to him, seeing only his shape, the tiny eye of the cigarette as it glowed and darkened, glowed and darkened.
‘I know what’s happening,’ Kurt said.
Neither of us answered.
‘I don’t like it.’
‘You don’t own us.’ I spoke aloud, my voice wavering at first, then becoming more confident. ‘We can do what we want.’ I wanted to tell him to go to hell. I wanted to tell him we were leaving and turn and walk away, the two of us departing this place for ever. But I knew he wouldn’t let that happen. Something told me that if I tried it, Michael would step out of the shadows and cut me down like a tree. I was trapped like one of Hidayat’s butterflies. Netted and ready to be pinned.
‘Not here, you can’t. Not here.’ He paused. ‘Helena, go back inside.’
I sensed her hesitation.
‘Don’t look at him,’ Kurt said. ‘Go back inside before Michael comes out. We both know what will happen if he sees this.’
Beside me, Helena moved. Once again, she touched my fingers, then she turned and went away. As far as I knew, it was the last time I would ever see her.
I listened to the faint sounds of her feet on the hard dirt of the clearing, then she was gone and Kurt spoke again. ‘Come and sit with me for a while.’
‘Why don’t we just come to the point?’
‘Sit the fuck down, Alex. We need to talk.’
I took a deep breath, stepping over to the table and sliding onto the bench opposite Kurt.
‘Smoke with me.’ He slid a packet of cigarettes across the table in front of me.
I stayed as I was for a moment, then reached out and took the packet. I slipped out a cigarette, fumbled the lighter and flicked the wheel with my thumb.
‘So, I came out for some air,’ Kurt said. ‘A smoke, chill for a bit, and what do I see? I see people sneaking around in the night.’
I said nothing.
‘I know what’s going on, Alex. I’ve been watching you and Helena.’
At first his words surprised me. I expected him to ask about what I had seen earlier that night among
the trees.
‘Do you think we’re fucking idiots?’ he said. ‘How long do you think it’ll be before Domino realises? Or Michael? In fact, Michael’s already getting ideas – bad ideas – and I don’t want that. Not in my place.’
I let the cigarette smoulder between my fingers. So many thoughts were racing through my head. Domino hadn’t told him. This wasn’t about what I had seen. This wasn’t about leaving. This was something else.
‘Sneaking out together in the night, Alex? My sister not fucking good enough for you?’
‘I …’ I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. He’d caught me off-guard.
‘Don’t make any excuses, Alex, just tell me the truth. Is this the first time?’
‘The first—’
‘Is this the first time you and Helena have come out here alone?’ His voice grew louder, erring away from a whisper. ‘Is this the first time you’ve come out here to fuck Helena?’ There was such poison in his voice now. This was not the gentle hippy he liked to portray. This was something else. Something sinister.
‘I didn’t—’
‘The truth, Alex. Just tell me the truth. Is – this – the – first – time?’
‘No …’ I said. ‘I mean, yes, I—’
‘Well, is it or isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I said, making a decision. ‘Yes it is.’
Kurt sighed a heavy sigh into the night. ‘OK. Good. I believe you, Alex.’
And for a long time he was silent. Only the crackle of his cigarette as he dragged on it, blowing out the last lungful and dropping it to the ground where he crushed out its light.
‘I can see you have a connection, you and Helena,’ he said, his voice calm again. ‘You saved her life.’
‘Yes.’
‘But I told you to keep away from her. I mean, Domino would be upset, but Michael? I think Michael would kill you. Shit, I think he would have killed you the other night if I hadn’t stopped him.’ He leaned forwards on the table. ‘If you want to stay with us, Alex, you’re going to have to sort yourself out. Asking questions, pissing Michael off, carrying on with Helena …’
I wondered if I should tell him I would leave, but I knew he wouldn’t let me go. No one ever left. That’s what everyone said. And none of us had anyone to come looking for us. We were alone. All of us.
‘The night you saved her, I told you I owe you,’ Kurt said. ‘So this is it. This is me paying you back. I’m going to go back inside, now. I’ve had my smoke and now I’m tired. I’m going to go back inside and I’m going to pretend this never happened. I’m going to keep it to myself. Michael and Domino need never know. And you’re going to sit here and think about it while you finish your smoke. And then you’re going to go inside, lie beside Domino, and wake up in the morning with all this nothing more than a bad dream.’
It was the first thing he’d got right. This was all a bad dream.
Kurt stood up and came around the table, putting his arm on my shoulder. ‘Think about it,’ he said. ‘Think about it hard. Because next time, Alex, I’ll let Michael beat you to death. Hell, I might even tell him to do it.’
And when Kurt was gone, I stayed where I was, letting the cigarette burn down in my fingers. And I thought about what he had said. And when I had thought about it enough, I stood and turned to look at the longhouse one more time. I felt for Helena, lying there, wondering what was happening out here, but there was nothing more I could do.
I turned and melted into the trees.
33
Morning had come to the hillside and when I emerged from the trees into the new day, I quickened my pace, a weight lifted from my shoulders. Now that I was further away from the community, I no longer needed to be so careful. No one would be looking for me; I had slipped past them and now I could disappear from their lives.
Except that meant leaving my belongings. And Domino. So beneath the feeling of release, there was a sense of the loss of what could have been, and I stopped and looked back.
There was nothing of the community to see from here. Behind me, trees growing thicker and closer together until there was nothing but a dense forest. But Domino was in there. She had brought me here and now I was leaving her behind without giving her the chance to justify herself. Perhaps there was a rational explanation for what I had seen. I found myself considering different options, wondering if there was any way I could stay in touch with her, but I kept coming back to the same thing. Whatever I tried to imagine, I always saw myself lying in the moonlight, watching Domino standing over the grave, lighting the way for her brother and his accomplice. She was involved in something I did not wish to be a part of.
I sighed, shook my head and turned away. There was no looking back now, I told myself; it was time to look forward again. I would not be fooled by anyone else on my journey. I had learned my lesson.
But as I began the trek down the hillside I saw a figure, not more than a hundred feet away, sitting in the scrub. Around her, a profusion of spectabilis, as if blood was seeping from a thousand broken hearts. And as I approached, the figure rose and faced me.
‘You’re leaving,’ she said as I came to the place where she was standing. ‘I knew you would, but you don’t have to.’ She held out my money-belt.
‘Yes I do.’ I snatched the belt. I wanted to walk past her. I wanted enough strength to leave her behind. She’d let me down. Disappointed me more than I’d ever known.
‘Your face,’ she said, raising a hand to touch me. ‘What happened?’
‘Michael didn’t say?’ I leaned away from her fingers.
‘He did this?’
‘I’m guessing it’s not the first time, he was well practised. Look, Domino, you want to talk about my nose, or you going to tell me what’s going on?’
Domino sighed and took away her hand. ‘You mean last night?’
‘Of course I mean last night.’
‘What you saw, Alex …’ She searched for the right words. ‘What you saw was …’
‘I know what I saw.’ I wondered if the dampness in her eyes was real, or just an act. ‘I saw you and your brother putting a body in the ground.’
Domino looked about her with alarm, as if there might be someone to hear us. ‘No,’ she said. ‘What you saw—’
‘How many others are there? How many more like the one you buried last night? How many more without a name or even a marker to say they’re under there?’ I was angry with myself for still wanting her. Angry that I didn’t have the strength to just walk away. Angry that she had let me down. ‘All that crap about Matt wanting to be buried there – how do I know he wasn’t killed? How do I know that Kurt or Michael or even you didn’t kill him? Killing people and burying them in the woods. Is that what you people are doing here?’
Domino shook her head harder now. ‘Of course not. You’ve lived with us, you know it’s not like that.’
‘So who was the guy you put in the ground last night?’
Domino reached out to touch me again. ‘Alex—’
I moved away. ‘There’s other graves there, too,’ I said.
Domino dropped her arm and stared at the ground.
‘Who’s under there? How many other people are buried out there?’
She looked up, the dampness in her eyes growing, intensifying the colour, swelling into watery beads, which hung on her lower eyelids, welling until they were too big to be contained there. They spilled over, running down her cheek.
‘And who’s Our Friend and Brother?’ I asked. ‘Who’s in that grave?’ And as I said it, I realised I knew exactly who it was. In the forest, it was just four words on a shrine, but saying it aloud, making the sounds, it seemed so obvious. I had even heard Michael say those exact words when he toasted at Matt’s burial. I stared at Domino, realising the darkness ran much deeper. ‘It’s Sully, isn’t it?’
‘What?’
‘Sully. That’s why he disappeared. Because somebody buried him out there in the woods.’
> ‘No. He left. Sully left.’
‘I saw his grave, Domino.’
‘No. Where?’
‘Who was it? Who buried him? Was it you? Did you bury him?’
‘He left, Alex, I told you.’
‘What happened to him?’ I remembered what Michael had done to me last night; what Kurt said he would tell Michael to do to me if I didn’t stay away from Helena. ‘Was it him?’ I asked. ‘Did Michael do something to him?’
‘Please.’ Domino reached for me once again, but reconsidered and took her hand away, crossing both arms across her chest and drawing them tight. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it again and shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know? You don’t fucking know?’ I looked back at the trees, wondering if Helena had lied to me just as the others had lied. ‘Does she know? Does Helena know that Sully is buried out there?’ But I knew that she couldn’t. Helena was not like Kurt and his sister. I stared at the forest and wondered if I should go back for her, but I was too afraid of what Michael would do. I was sure that if I went near her again, he would kill me and I would join the others under the soil. She would be safer without me. Michael would protect her.
‘I didn’t know.’ Domino looked up and, despite everything, seeing the tears made me want to take her in my arms. For someone who’d always been so confident, she looked weak and small. But I had to be strong. I had seen what I had seen. ‘I promise you, Alex, I didn’t. You have to believe me.’
‘I don’t know what to believe,’ I said. ‘But one thing I do know is that I don’t want anything to do with this. I don’t want to be involved.’ I began walking again, showing her my anger, but feeling torn inside.
This time she grabbed my arm, pulling me back. ‘Don’t go,’ she said. ‘Please, Alex. Don’t.’