by Abby Green
Alix popped an olive into his mouth and shook his head. ‘I could do with a break myself. The French ambassador was beginning to bore me to death.’
Leila smiled and felt a moment of extreme poignancy, imagining that it could be like this—this sense of communion, sneaking out to take a break during functions. She quickly slammed the door on those thoughts. It was heading for dangerous fairy-tale territory again.
She helped herself to a vegetarian vol-au-vent and savoured the flaky pastry and delicate mushroom filling, more hungry than she’d like to admit.
‘You need to eat more.’
She looked at Alix and grimaced. ‘I’m still nauseous sometimes, but the doctor said it should ease off soon.’
Alix stood up then and looked out at the view. Something about his profile seemed so lonely to Leila in that moment—it was as if she might never truly reach him or know him. She found herself wondering if anyone ever had, and didn’t like the sharp spiking of something hot and dark. Jealousy.
She forced her voice to sound light. ‘Have you ever been in love, Alix? I mean with a lover.’
He tensed, and Leila found herself holding her breath.
‘I’ve thought I was in love once before, but it wasn’t love. It was only a very wounded youthful ego.’
Swallowing past the constriction in her throat, Leila asked, ‘Who was she?’
Alix turned around to face her, leaning back against the wall. His expression was hard. ‘I met her in America when I was a student. I thought she only knew me as Alix Cross. I was trying to stay under the radar and I believed that she was attracted to me for myself—not who I was...’
He leaned his hands on the stone wall.
‘She was English. She’d come to America to escape the public scandal of her father gambling all their money away. They were related to royalty. She was looking for a way to get back into Europe and restore her reputation via someone else. Namely me. I was young and naive. Arrogant enough to believe her when she said she loved me. But the truth was that she just used me to get what she wanted. And clearly I wasn’t enough for her, because I walked into her room one day and found one of my undercover bodyguards giving it to her a lot rougher than I ever could or wanted to.’
Leila looked at Alix’s hard expression. She just used me. Her own words that she’d thrown at him came back to her like a slap on the face. I used you. She felt sick.
Then Alix said, ‘I’ve already told you Max was the only person I’ve loved. I was brought up knowing any marriage would be a strategic alliance, all about heirs. I saw no love between my parents. Love was never part of the equation for me.’
That was what he’d said on the phone to Andres that day in Paris.
‘I can promise to honour you and respect you, Leila. You did well this evening, and I have no doubt you’ll make a great queen. And mother of our children. But that will have to be enough, because I can’t offer any more.’
There it was—the brutal truth, sitting between them like a squat ugly troll. Dashing any hopes and dreams Leila might have had.
‘Well,’ she managed to say, as if her heart wasn’t being lacerated in a million different places, ‘at least we know where we stand.’
In a desperate bid to avoid Alix looking at her too closely, seeing the devastation inside her, she stood up too. She thought of what he’d said about being used and her conscience smarted. She really didn’t want to do this, but his honesty compelled her to be honest too.
She went to the wall and mirrored his stance. ‘I owe you an apology.’
‘You do?’
Leila nodded and avoided his eye. ‘That day in Paris...when I told you I’d used you just because I wanted to get rid of my virginity...I lied.’
She turned and looked at him, steeling herself not to crumble.
‘The truth is that I was humiliated and hurt. I lashed out, not wanting you to see that.’
Something like a flash of horror crossed Alix’s face.
Before he could say anything she cut in hurriedly, ‘Don’t worry. I wasn’t falling for you... It was wounded pride. That’s all.’
His expression cleared and Leila felt a monumental ache near her heart to see his visible relief.
‘Look,’ she said, putting a hand over her belly, ‘all I want is to go forward from this moment with honesty and trust between us. At least if we have that we know where we stand, and it might be something we can build on. I won’t deny that this marriage won’t give me all that I need and want emotionally, but I’m doing this for our baby, and I’ll try to make you a good queen.’
Alix looked at Leila and felt flattened by her words when only a moment ago he’d been feeling relief that she hadn’t fallen for him.
This marriage won’t give me all that I need.
And her admission rocked him. The fact that she hadn’t meant those words, I used you. It ripped apart something he’d been clinging on to since he’d seen her again. As if as long as he had that he’d be protected.
She humbled him, this woman who had walked out of a shop and into a world far removed from anything she’d known, and she’d captivated the entire crowd this evening, behaving with an innate graciousness that he hadn’t even known she possessed. She was putting everyone around her to shame.
Including him.
He felt like a fraud. He felt for the first time as if he was taking something beautiful and tarnishing it. He should let her go—but he couldn’t. They were bound by their baby.
He owed her full honesty now.
‘There’s something you need to understand. When I met you I was consumed with nothing more than you. I never set out to use you as a smokescreen. There was no agenda. When we took that trip to Isle de la Paix it was spontaneous in that I planned it once you’d mentioned you didn’t want any press intrusion. But I did see an opportunity, and I did arrange for someone to take that photo, seizing the chance to keep attention diverted.’
Alix sighed heavily.
‘I had no right to exploit you for my own ends. And I’m sorry for that. Ultimately it led them straight to you. But when I pursued you it was because I wanted you—pure and simple.’
His admission made Leila feel vulnerable. If anything it just made things harder to know that he hadn’t ruthlessly used her from the start.
She said, as breezily as she could, ‘Well, it’s in the past, and we’re here now, so I think we just have to keep moving forward.’
Terrified he’d read something in her eyes, or on her face, she stepped around him and walked back into the ballroom.
She spent the rest of the evening avoiding him, in case he saw how close to the surface her emotions were. Emotions that she’d denied she felt right to his face.
She knew they’d agreed to be honest, but there was such a thing as taking honesty too far. And Leila hated how this new accord made her feel as if they’d taken about ten steps forward and twenty back.
She realised that if she was to negotiate a life living with a man who could never—would never—love her, she was going to have to develop some hefty self-protection mechanisms.
* * *
‘She’s a natural, Alix. If you’d seen her... The kids loved her. The nurses and doctors are in awe of her. She’s possibly done more for Isle Saint Croix in one visit to the children’s ward of the hospital than you could have done in six months. No offence.’
Alix grimaced as he recalled his recent meeting with Andres. Of course he hadn’t taken offence at the fact that apparently his fiancée was indeed bound to be as perfect a queen as he’d expected her to be. When he’d believed she was falling for him. The fact that she’d assured him she hadn’t been was like a burr under his skin now.
In the past few days, since the engagement party, Leila had thrown herself into doing as much as she could to learn about her new role. Alix had gone to her rooms at night to find her sleeping, and as much as he’d wanted to slide between the sheets and slide between her legs, something had held him bac
k.
The same thing that had held him back the night of the party, when he’d left Leila at her door. He’d wanted her so badly, but after everything they’d said he had been almost afraid that if he touched her something would spill out of him—something much deeper than a mere climax. Some truth he wasn’t ready to acknowledge yet.
‘Your Majesty? Your fiancée is here to see you.’
Conjured up out of his imagination to taunt him?
He turned around. ‘Show her in, please.’
Leila walked in and Alix felt that all-too-familiar jolt of lust mixed with something else. Something much more complex.
She looked pale.
Alix frowned, immediately concerned. ‘What is it?’ He cursed softly as he came around and held a chair out for her. ‘You’ve been doing too much. I told Andres that you’re busy enough with wedding preparations—’
She put up a hand and didn’t sit down. ‘No, I’m fine. Honestly. I enjoyed the visit to the hospital.’
Alix smiled. ‘You were a big hit.’
She blushed and ducked her head, and Alix felt a pang near his heart. Her ability to blush and show her emotions was one of the things that had made him fall for her...
Alix went utterly still as the words he’d just thought sank in—and dropped like heavy boulders into his gut.
* * *
Alix was so quiet that Leila looked at him. The smile was gone from his face and he was deathly pale. She put out a hand. ‘Alix...are you all right? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
He recoiled from her hand and a look of utter horror came over his face. Leila flinched inwardly. But, if anything, this only confirmed for her the reason why she needed to talk to him. She had to do this to protect herself.
At least over the past few days she’d discovered a real sense that perhaps she could be a queen, that she could relatively happily devote her life to the people of Isle Saint Croix and her children.
But in order to survive she needed to create a very firm boundary where Alix was concerned.
The fact that he hadn’t made any attempt to sleep with her in the past few nights had left her feeling frustrated and relieved in equal measure. She knew physical intimacy without love would eventually crack her in two—or that she’d end up blurting out how much she loved him, and she couldn’t bear to see that horror-struck look on his face again.
Alix retreated around the desk—as if he needed to physically put something between them. Leila tried not to feel hurt.
She steeled herself. ‘I wanted to talk to you about something. About us. And our marriage.’
Alix sat down, still looking a little shell-shocked. Leila sat down too, twisting her hands in her lap.
‘Go ahead.’ Alix sounded hoarse.
‘I am committed to doing my best to be a queen that you can be proud of, and I will love our child—and children, if we have more. I do believe that we can have a harmonious union, and that’s important to me for the sake of those children—I expect you will want more than one.’
Alix frowned. ‘Leila—’
She spoke over him. ‘But apart from with our children, and promoting a united front for social occasions or events, I would prefer if we could live as separately as possible. I don’t want to share rooms with you. And I would prefer if any intimacies were to be only for the sake of procreating. I will understand if that’s not enough for you, but I would just ask that you be discreet in your liaisons, should you feel the need.’
Alix’s face was getting darker and darker. He stood up now and put his hands on the desk. Leila tried not to move back, or be intimidated.
‘Let me get this straight. You want to maintain a separate existence in private and we’ll only share the marital bed for the purposes of getting you pregnant? And if I’m feeling the urge in the meantime I’m to seek out a willing and discreet lover?’
Leila nodded, telling herself that it hadn’t hurt so much or sounded so ridiculous when she’d thought it all through in her head. But this was the only way she felt she could survive this marriage, knowing he didn’t love her.
At least if she could create a family then she would have some purpose in her life—love and affection.
But all at once she realised that that was the most selfish reason in the world for creating a family.
Alix’s mouth was a thin line. ‘My father paraded his many mistresses around the castle and did untold damage to this country. I vowed never to repeat his corrupt ways—so, no, I don’t think I’ll be taking you up on your helpful suggestion to maintain a discreet mistress.’
He came around the desk and towered over Leila. She stood up.
‘And, no,’ Alix continued, ‘I don’t believe I do agree that we should maintain separate existences. I believe that you will share my bed every night, and I expect intimacies to be many and varied. Are you really suggesting that I am going to be forcing myself on a reluctant wife?’
Leila had to stop a slightly hysterical laugh from emerging. Of course he wouldn’t have to force himself on a reluctant wife. Even now she felt every cell in her body straining to get closer to him. But, standing so close to Alix now, she realised that she’d actually completely underestimated her ability to survive even if she could maintain some distance from Alix. And of course he wouldn’t agree to her admittedly ridiculous terms. What had she been thinking?
A sense of panic made her gut roil. ‘Then I don’t think I can do this, Alix. I thought I could, for the sake of the baby...but I can’t.’
She felt weak, pathetic, selfish.
‘What are you saying, Leila?’
She forced out the words. ‘I’m saying that I want more than you can offer me, Alix. I’m sorry... I thought I could do this, but I can’t.’
Terrified she’d start crying, Leila turned and hurried out of the room.
Alix looked at the door that had just closed and reeled. He had to recognise the bitter irony of the fact that Leila had more or less just outlined the kind of marriage that he’d always believed he wanted.
Space between him and his wife. She would be his consort in public and mother to his children. She wouldn’t infringe upon his life in any other more meaningful way.
He might have laughed if he hadn’t still been consumed by the terrifying revelation that made his limbs feel as weak as jelly. The rush of love he’d felt while watching that scan had been for Leila as much as for the baby. He’d just been blocking that cataclysmic knowledge out.
She had just said she wanted more. And the even more ironic thing was that he wanted more too. He suddenly wanted the whole damn thing—and it was too late.
The gods weren’t just mocking him...they were rolling around the floor, laughing hysterically.
* * *
Leila was aware of the bodyguards, standing at a discreet distance, and was doing her best to ignore them. Her chest ached with unexpressed emotion. She had taken a Jeep and driven away from the castle, needing some space and time to breathe. She should have expected that she wouldn’t be able to move without triggering a national security alert.
And even the stunning view from this lookout point high on the island was incapable of soothing her.
The sound of another vehicle came from the narrow road and Leila heaved a sigh of frustration. She turned around. Really, this was getting ridiculous.
But her breath stopped in her throat when she saw Alix getting out of the driver’s seat. He looked grim and went over to the bodyguards. After a couple of seconds they all got back into their vehicles and left.
When they were gone he looked at her for a long moment, and then came over. He stood beside her and gestured with his head to the view.
‘On a clear day, with good binoculars, you can see both the Spanish and African coasts from here.’
Leila looked away from him. ‘It’s beautiful.’
‘There are hundreds of shipwrecks around the island. It’s my plan to use them as an incentive to get people to come wreck-diving. P
art of the tourism package we’re putting together.’
Leila’s heart ached. ‘The island is magical, Alix. You won’t have a problem getting people to come.’
He turned to face her and said quietly, ‘And what about getting people to stay? I wonder what incentive I could offer for that...’
Your love, Leila thought bleakly.
But she had to come to terms with the futility of her position and she said, ‘I’m sorry. I overreacted just now. Of course I won’t be leaving. I can’t. Our baby deserves two parents, and a stable foundation. It was just...hormones, or something.’
Alix didn’t say anything for a moment, and then he held out a hand. ‘Will you come with me? I want to show you something.’
Leila hesitated a moment, and then slipped her hand into his, hating how right it felt even as a gaping chasm opened up near her heart.
Alix brought her over to the Jeep and she got into the passenger side. She watched him walk around the front, her gaze drawn irresistibly to his tall, powerful form.
He drove in silence for about ten minutes, and then drove off the main road down a dirt track. They weren’t too far from the main town, and Leila could just make out the castle in the distance.
After about a mile Alix stopped and got out. Leila got out too and looked around, but could see nothing of immediate interest. Alix led her over to where a vast area looked as if it was in the process of being cleared and levelled, even though there were no workmen at the site today.
‘What’s this?’
Leila looked at Alix when he didn’t say anything immediately. He was so handsome against the sunlight it almost hurt. She could see that he truly belonged here, in this environment. And that somehow she was going to have to belong here too. And weather the emotional pain.
‘It will be your new factory.’
Leila blinked, distracted. ‘My new...factory?’
Alix nodded. ‘The area is being cleared and I’ve lined up architects to meet with you and discuss how you want it designed and built. There’s also room for a walled garden, so you can cultivate and grow plants and flowers. We have a huge range on the island, including a rare form of sea lavender. There’s room for a greenhouse too, if you need it. You’ll know more than me what you need.’