‘NAOMI!’ I yelled excitedly, jumping up.
Mack was taking a large gulp of tea at that precise second. Somehow or other the tea sprayed all down his front. He didn’t look too happy. I decided to dash over to Naomi pretty sharpish.
‘Hi, Naomi. I’ve been looking out for you. Is this your mum? Are these your brothers?’
I said hello to them all and they smiled and said hello back.
‘Is that your dad over there? That man shouting at you,’ said Naomi.
‘No fear,’ I said. ‘What are you reading then, eh?’
I had a quick peer. The cover said Little Women and there was a picture of four girls in old-fashioned frocks.
‘Little Women?’ I said, thinking it a rather naff title.
‘It’s a lovely book, one of the classics,’ said Naomi’s mum proudly. ‘My Naomi’s always reading it.’
‘Boring,’ I mumbled, peering at the pages.
‘The Cursed Werewolf seized the young maiden and ripped her to pieces with his huge yellow teeth . . .’
‘There’s a werewolf in Little Women?’ I said, astonished.
‘Sh!’ said Naomi, giving me a nudge. She turned her back so that her mum couldn’t see and quickly lifted the dustjacket off Little Women. She had a different book entirely underneath. The Cursed Werewolf Runs Wild.
‘Ah,’ I said. I decided I liked Naomi even more.
I sat down at their table, even though Mack was bellowing fit to bust for me to come back at once OR ELSE. Naomi’s little brothers looked utterly angelic above the table, all big eyes and smiley mouths, but they were conducting a violent kicking match out of sight. One of the kicks landed right on my kneecap. I gave a little scream and both boys looked anxiously at their mum. I didn’t tell tales, but I seized hold of several skinny legs and tickled unmercifully. They squirmed and doubled up.
‘Boys!’ said Naomi’s mum. ‘Stop messing about.’
She was trying to feed the baby but he kept fidgeting and turning his head away, not wanting his soggy old cornflakes.
‘Come on, Nathan,’ said Naomi’s mum.
Nathan shut his mouth tight and let cornflake mush dribble down his chin.
‘How about feeding him like an aeroplane?’ I suggested. ‘My baby brother Hank likes it when I do that. Here, I’ll show you.’
I took the spoon, filled it with flakes, and then let my arm zoom through the air above Nathan’s head.
‘Here’s a loaded jumbo jet coming in to land,’ I said and made very loud aeroplane noises.
Nathan opened his mouth in astonishment and I shoved the spoon in quick.
‘Unloading bay in operation,’ I said, and I unhooked the empty spoon from his gums.
‘Come on then, Nathan, gobble gobble, while I go looking for the next aeroplane. Hey, how about a Concorde this time?’
Nathan chewed obediently while I reloaded the spoon and held it at the right Concorde angle. I revved up my sound system.
Unfortunately, my dear non-relative Uncle Mack was revving up his own sound system. After one last bellow he came charging like a bull across the breakfast room.
I landed Concorde, unloaded the new cargo of cornflakes inside Nathan, and tried turning the spoon into a bomber plane with mega-quick, whizz-bang missiles.
Mack certainly exploded. But not in the way I wanted.
‘How dare you make this ridiculous noise and bother these poor people,’ he roared, yanking me up from the table.
‘Oh no, she’s been no bother at all,’ said Naomi’s mum quickly. ‘So Elsa’s your daughter, is she?’
‘No!’ I said.
‘No!’ Mack said.
It was about the only thing we ever agreed on.
‘Elsa is my stepdaughter,’ said Mack. He said the word ‘step’ as if it was some disgusting swear word. ‘I’ve done my best to bring her up as if she was my own, but she gets right out of hand sometimes.’
I wished I was out of his hand at that precise moment. He was holding me by the shoulders, his fingers digging in hard.
‘Well, she’s been a very good girl with us, helping me keep my family in order,’ said Naomi’s mum.
‘Yes, she got my baby brother Nathan to eat up all his cornflakes,’ said Naomi.
‘It’s a pity she can’t help out with her own brother and sister then,’ said Mack. ‘Come on, Elsa, your mum needs you.’
He gave a jerk and a pull. I had to go with him or else get my arm torn off. I looked back at Naomi.
‘The Cursed Werewolf!’ I mouthed, nodding at Mack.
Naomi nodded, grinning at me sympathetically.
I needed sympathy. Mack was in a foul mood.
‘What do you think you’re doing, rushing around yelling your head off?’ he yelled, rushing around.
I could sense it wasn’t quite the right time to point out that I was only following my step-daddy’s example. He got me sat back at our table and started giving me this right old lecture about learning to do as I was told. Pippa started fidgeting and shifting about on her chair as if she were the one getting the lecture, not me.
‘I’m needing to go to the toilet,’ she announced.
‘Well, off you go then,’ said Mack.
‘I can’t find it by myself,’ said Pippa.
‘I’ll take her,’ I said, jumping at the chance.
I clutched Pippa’s hand and escaped the Werewolfs copious curses. Some of the boys were back down the corridor, writing more rude words on the walls. An old lady with a hoover rounded a corner and saw what they were up to.
‘Here, you clean that off, you little varmints,’ she yelled, aiming her vacuum at them.
They laughed and said the words to her.
‘Dirty beasts,’ said the hoover lady.
She saw us gawping.
‘Cover your ears up, girls. And you’d better close your eyes too. These little whatsits are desecrating this hotel. Blooming desecrating it, that’s what they are.’ She banged up against the boys with the vacuum, running the suction nozzle up and down the nearest’s shell suit.
‘Get off, will you! My mum’s only just bought me this,’ he yelled indignantly.
‘I’m just trying to clean you up, laddie. Get some of the dirt off you. Now clear off, the lot of you, or I’ll fetch the Manager.’
They straggled away while she held her vacuum aloft in victory. Pippa and I giggled. Mrs Hoover followed us into the Ladies so she could have a quick smoke.
‘Dear oh dear, this place will be the death of me,’ she said, lighting up. She tucked her ciggies and matches back in her pocket and flexed her legs in her baggy old trousers. ‘It used to be a really classy establishment back in the old days. A really nice business hotel. You could get fantastic tips and everyone spoke to you ever so pleasant. Now you just get a mouthful of abuse. They’re all scum that stay here now. Absolute scum.’
She said this very fiercely and then blinked a bit at me.
‘No offence meant, dearie. You seem very nice little girls, you and your sister.’
‘Are we just a bit scummy round the edges then?’ I said.
‘You what? Oh, give over!’ She drew on her cigarette, chuckling.
‘What’s scum?’ said Pippa, emerging from the toilet and going to wash her hands.
‘That’s scum,’ I said, wiping my finger round the edge of the grey basin.
‘Now dear, don’t shame me. I used to keep this place so clean you could eat your dinner out of one of them basins. But now I just lose heart. And the management’s so mean, they keep cutting down the staff. How can I keep all this place spick and span, eh, especially with my legs.’ She patted at her trousers and shook her head. Then she had another glance at the basin. ‘Look, that’s a footprint, isn’t it? Dear goodness, would you credit it? They’re actually putting their feet in the basins now.’
‘I wonder who on earth that could be,’ I said, winking at Pippa.
‘I know!’ said Pippa, not understanding my meaningful wink.
> ‘No you don’t,’ I said quickly. ‘Here, we could help you do a bit of the cleaning if you like, Pippa and me. I’m good at vacuuming. It’s fun.’
I wasn’t in any hurry to get back to the breakfast room and Mack. I wanted him to cool down a bit first. So Mrs Hoover sat stiffly on the stairs and did a bit of dusting and Pippa pottered about with a dustpan and brush while I switched on the vacuum and sucked up all the dust on the shabby carpet. I kept imagining Mack was standing right in front of me. I’d charge at him and knock him flying and then get out a really giant suction nozzle. I wouldn’t just snag his shell suit, oh no. I’d hoover him right out of existence.
I was galloping along the corridor, laughing fit to bust, when the real Mack suddenly came round the corner. He didn’t look very cool at all. He looked as if he might very well be at boiling point.
‘What the heck are you playing at, Elsa?’
‘I’m not playing, I’m helping do the housework.’
‘Switch it off! And don’t answer me back like that,’ Mack said. ‘We thought you’d both got lost. You’ve been gone nearly half an hour. Didn’t you realize you’d be worrying your mum? Elsa!’
‘I thought you didn’t want me to answer you,’ I said.
Mack took a step nearer to me, breathing fire.
‘Don’t be cross with the kiddie, she’s been ever such a help,’ said Mrs Hoover. ‘She’s got this carpet up a treat, I’m telling you. And the little one’s been sweeping the stairs, haven’t you, pet?’
‘Yes, well, I’ll thank you to mind your own business,’ said Mack, snatching Pippa up into his arms. ‘You come with Daddy, chook. We’ve been worried sick, wondering what had happened to you. Mum’s been right up to our room and back, thinking you’d gone up there.’
Mack stomped round the corner, still clutching Pippa, and tripped right over the gang of giggling boys writing more dirty words on the wall.
‘Get out of my way, you kids,’ Mack thundered.
Pippa peered at the words from her new vantage point. She stared at the worst word of all. She remembered. She said it loudly and clearly.
‘What did you say, Pippa?’ said Mack, so taken aback he nearly dropped her.
So she said it again. Unmistakably.
‘I’m reading, Dad,’ she said proudly.
The boys absolutely cracked up at this, sniggering and spluttering.
‘I’ll wipe the smile off your silly faces!’ Mack shouted, practically frothing at the mouth. ‘How dare you write mucky words on the wall so that my little girl learns dirt like that?’
They stopped sniggering and started scattering, seeing that Mack meant business. Mack caught hold of one of them, the boy I’d made the face at. He was pulling faces again now, trying to wriggle free.
‘It wasn’t me that wrote that word, honest!’ he yelled. ‘It was her.’
He pointed to me. All his pals stopped and pointed to me too.
‘Yes, it was that girl.’
‘Yes, that one with all the hair.’
‘Yeah, that little girl with the loud voice.’
It looked like I was in BIG TROUBLE.
I was.
I tried to explain but Mack wouldn’t listen.
He hit. And I hurt.
Mack stayed in a horrible mood all that day. All that week. And Mum wasn’t much better. She didn’t get mad at me and shout. She didn’t say very much at all. She did a lot of that sitting on the bed and staring into space. Sometimes Mack could snap her out of it. Sometimes he couldn’t.
I hated to see Mum all sad and sulky like that. I tried telling her jokes to cheer her up a bit.
‘Hey Mum, what’s ten metres tall and green and sits in the corner?’
‘Oh Elsa, please. Just leave me be.’
‘The Incredible Sulk!’
I fell about. But Mum didn’t even smile.
‘OK, try this one. Why did the biscuit cry?’
‘What biscuit? What are you on about?’
‘Any biscuit.’
‘Can I have a biscuit, Mum?’ said Pippa.
‘Look, just listen to the joke. Why did the biscuit cry, eh? Because his mother was a wafer so long.’
I paused. Nobody reacted.
‘Don’t you get it?’
‘Just give it a rest, Elsa, please,’ Mum said, and she lay back on her bed and buried her head under the pillow.
I stared at Mum worriedly. I so badly wanted her to cheer up.
‘Mum? Mum.’ I went over to her and shook her arm.
‘Leave her be,’ said Mack.
I took no notice.
‘Mum, what happened to the lady who slept with her head under the pillow?’
Mum groaned.
‘When she woke up she found the fairies had taken all her teeth out!’
Mum didn’t twitch.
‘Elsa, I’m telling you. Leave her alone,’ Mack growled.
I tried just one more.
‘Are you going to sleep, Mum? Listen, what happened to the lady who dreamed she was eating a huge great marshmallow?’
‘Can I have a marshmallow?’ said Pippa.
‘When she woke up her pillow had disappeared!’
Mum didn’t move. But Mack did.
‘I’m warning you, Elsa. Just one more of your stupid jokes and you’re for it!’
‘Dad, can I have some biscuits or some sweets or something? I’m hungry,’ Pippa whined.
‘OK, OK.’ Mack fumbled in his pocket for change. ‘Take her down to that shop on the corner, Elsa. Here.’
‘What do Eskimos use for money? Ice lolly!’
‘I thought I told you. NO MORE JOKES!’
‘OK, OK.’ I grabbed Pippa and scooted out the room.
‘Why are adults boring?’ I asked her, as we went down the stairs. ‘Because they’re groanups.’
I roared with laughter. I’m not altogether sure Pippa understood, but she laughed too to keep me company. The big bunny lady in reception put her pointy finger to her lips and went ‘Sh! Sh!’ at us.
‘She sounds like a train,’ I said to Pippa. ‘Hey, what do you call a train full of toffee?’
‘Oh, toffee! Are you buying toffee? I like toffee too.’
‘No, Pippa, you’re not concentrating. What do you call a train full of toffee? A chew-chew train.’
Pippa blinked up at me blankly. I laughed. She laughed too, but she was just copying me like she always does. I wished she was old enough to appreciate my jokes. I longed to try them all out on Naomi, but she was at school.
That was one of the advantages of going to live at the O Yal Htl. I couldn’t go to my old school because it was miles and miles away. No-one had said anything about going to any other school. I certainly wasn’t going to bring the subject up.
I took hold of Pippa’s hand and we went out of the hotel and down the road to where there was this one shop selling sweets and ciggies and papers and videos – all the things you need.
Some of the boys from the hotel were mucking around at the video stands, whizzing them round too fast and acting out bits from the films. One of them lunged at me with his hands all pointy, pretending to be Freddie from Elm Street.
‘Ooooh, I’m so fwightened,’ I said, sighing heavily. ‘What are you lot doing here, anyway? Are you bunking off from school?’
They shuffled a bit so I was obviously right.
‘Don’t you tell on us or you’ll get it, see,’ said another, trying to act dead tough.
‘Don’t worry. I don’t tell tales,’ I said, looking witheringly at the funny-face boy who had told on me.
He shuffled a bit more, his face going red.
‘Yeah, well, I didn’t think your dad would get mad at you like that,’ he said quickly.
‘He’s not my dad. He’s just my mum’s bloke, that’s all.’
‘Did he hit you? We heard you yelling.’
‘You’d yell if he was laying into you.’
‘Here. Have this,’ said the funny-face boy, and he han
ded me his big black magic-marker pen, the one I’d used to correct his spelling to write the truly worst word ever.
‘Hey, are you giving this to me?’ I said.
‘Yeah, if you want.’
‘You bet I want! My own black felt-tip’s run out. Hey, what goes black and white, black and white, black and white?’
‘Hmm?’ he said, looking blank.
But one of his mates spoilt it.
‘A nun rolling down a hill,’ he said, grinning. ‘That’s an old joke.’
‘OK, OK, what’s black and white and goes ha-ha?’
I paused. This time I’d got them.
‘The nun that pushed her!’
Funny-face suddenly snorted with laughter. The others all sniggered too. Laughing at my joke! I’d have happily stood there cracking jokes all day but the man behind the counter started to get narked so the boys sloped off while Pippa and I chose our sweets. It took a long time, especially as Pippa kept chopping and changing. Once or twice she changed her mind after she’d had a little experimental lick of a liquorice bootlace or a red jelly spider, but the man behind the counter couldn’t see down far enough to spot her.
We ended up with:
We ate them on the way back to the hotel. We weren’t in any hurry to get back. Mack had been so grouchy recently he’d even got mad at Pippa.
I meant to save a chocolate bar for Naomi, and a toffee chew or two for her brothers, but I seemed to get ever so hungry somehow, and by the time Naomi got back from school there were just a few dolly mixtures left (and they were a bit dusty and sticky because Pippa had been ‘feeding’ them to Baby Pillow half the afternoon).
‘Never mind, I’ll give them a little wash under the tap,’ said Naomi, going into the Ladies.
We ended up with:
She and I scrunched up together on the windowsill, feet propped on the basin, and we read the worst bits of her Cursed Werewolf book and got the giggles. My Pippa and her Nicky and Neil and Nathan kept on plaguing us so we filled the other basins with water and hauled them up so they could have a little paddle. They were only meant to dangle their feet. They dangled quite a bit more.
The Bed and Breakfast Star Page 4