by Justin Sayre
“Are you walking home?” I say to her right away.
“No, but you are, with Ryan,” Allegra says, smirking at me. Her phone is waiting in her hand, and the minute the bell rings, she turns it on.
“How did you know about that?” I say as we walk out. Ryan is already waving to me out on the street. Allegra looks up from her phone and smiles the biggest smile she can put on her face when she sees him waving at me. Brian is talking to him with a bunch of boys. Allegra watches Brian walk off but then looks back to me and oohs. She’s back on her phone and in a cab before I can even get her to answer me.
I walk over to Ryan. He seems nervous and a little excited. We’re just walking home. He asks which way I want to go, and I say, let’s walk by the park. It’s out of the way, but maybe that will get him to relax a little.
“Thanks for, like, walking with me,” Ryan says.
“Sure,” I say. “I’m happy to walk with you. It’s not a big deal.”
“I know, I’m just saying.” Ryan smiles. “I really like hanging out with you.”
“Thanks.” That was probably the wrong thing to say, but I did mean it. I know I should be nervous or, like, fluttery about walking home with Ryan, but I just feel bad that he feels that way. I know that this is supposed to be the moment that whatever is happening between me and Ryan finally happens or at least starts to happen, but it seems like a big deal over nothing.
“I know it’s, like, so weird to ask, but could I hold your hand?” Ryan mutters, not even looking at me.
“Sure,” I say, and take his hand. I guess Auntie got me over this bit. I don’t want him to freak out or whatever so it’s just easier to do it. His hand is clammy, but I don’t say anything about it because he’s having a terrible time already. I thought this was supposed to be a nice thing. Holding his hand seems to calm him a little, and when we get to the park, he starts to talk. In fact, he starts to talk a lot. He’s talking about school and basketball, and he’s funny about them both, at least when he wants to be. He’s also nice; the more he talks, the more I think that. And he’s cute. Even him being nervous starts to get cute. But besides holding his hand and listening, what else am I supposed to do? Is this all there is to being a girlfriend?
When we turn the corner to my street, he gets a little jumpy again. It’s almost like something is going to happen, but I’m not sure either of us knows what it is. I start to laugh a little. Maybe because I’m nervous too. When we get to my gate, he stops, still holding my hand, and says, “What are you doing Friday?”
“I don’t know?” I reply, wondering what else I should say.
“Do you want to go to a movie? Like a date?” Ryan asks.
“I’ll have to ask my aunt.” I smile. I guess this is what he was nervous about.
“Okay,” Ryan says, letting go of my hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I say. I guess I like Ryan, and if it’s just holding hands, I guess it’s not such a big deal. I watch him as he walks down the street. He keeps turning around and looking at me and smiling. I can’t help but smile back.
The next day, Ryan waits for me and walks me home from school, holding my hand with his clammy palm. And again it’s nice, and I don’t mind, but he still seems so nervous. Though once we get to the park, he seems to get calm again, and when he’s calm he starts to talk. He tells me a story about when he was little and his mom brought him to the park and he got lost. He ran off by himself and like five seconds later didn’t know where everyone was. He was so scared. He started yelling, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” All these moms around heard him and ran over to help. He was surrounded by them, all trying to help him or get him to calm down. Finally his own mom showed up, she must have seen the commotion. She was in tears, and so were some of the other moms. It was a pretty funny moment at the end of everything. He smiles a kid’s smile, like he’s half embarrassed and half happy for telling me. I think of him as a little kid, small and afraid, and I don’t know why, but I like him more for that.
When he leaves me at my gate, I run up the stairs, not anxious to get away from him but just to get a moment to be by myself and think about him and what this all is. It’s easier to think when he’s not in front of me. I like him. I think he’s nice. I guess I wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend. I might like it. It’s exciting either way. I’m smiling about it, so that must be something good.
I smile through most of the rest of the night. Auntie notices and is happy for it. She thinks I’m always a little too serious. Maybe she’s right, but I have to be. It isn’t until after dinner, cleaning dishes from the living room floor with Auntie, that I remember how I haven’t heard from Janet since she left. Nothing at all, actually. Usually, she would have called me by now, at least to show off being in Paris. But nothing. Not a phone call or an email or anything. Not even a text.
I think to ask Auntie about it, but I almost don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to start counting the days until she gets home and it all changes back to how it was before. I’m liking so much of how it is now. Even Ryan.
“And who’s this boy that keeps walking you to the gate? Don’t think I don’t see, little girl.” She laughs.
I smile. I’m not embarrassed. I mean, I guess I am a little, but also I’m shocked that someone, someone adult, knows anything about me and wants to know more. And that she’s not angry about it.
“He’s cute for a white boy,” Auntie says, laughing so loudly, the water ripples in my glass.
“His name is Ryan,” I say. I’m nervous now and I don’t know why.
“Do you like him?” Auntie says, taking my glass and putting it in the soapy water.
“I guess.”
“You guess? He must be doing something wrong.” Auntie smiles.
“He’s nice,” I answer with a little smile. I start to look up at Auntie, but she’s just waiting to hear what I have to say next. The trouble is, I don’t know what to say next.
“Nice? How?” Auntie asks. She’s getting serious, but I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know what to say to make her happy or at least to make her stop asking me any more about it.
“He walks me home,” I say.
“And holds your hand.”
“Yeah, but that’s it. I promise,” I say back loudly, trying to show her how serious I am and how serious I am taking all this. Even though I don’t know what “this” even is. It’s like when she spilled the wine, I start to get so nervous that I’ve done something that can’t be fixed. I don’t want her to be mad at me. Right now, if she told me I was in huge trouble, and that I could never see him again, I’d do it. I would do anything she told me to. Maybe that means I don’t like Ryan as much, but maybe I don’t. I can’t worry about that at the moment. I can’t let this new life with Auntie Amara end. I can’t go back to being alone here in the house, with rooms I can’t go into and things I never get to say. I can’t have nights I have to lock myself in my room. I can’t count the steps till she makes it into her bed. Auntie Amara sees me getting lost in all of this and touches my face with her soapy hand.
“It’s okay, girl. Don’t get nervous. We’re just talking.” Auntie hums.
“He’s nice,” I say back.
“You said. Can I meet him?” Auntie asks.
I have no idea how to answer. But I’m nervous so I blurt out:
“Yes.”
“Good, I’d like that.” Auntie smiles. “You’re a pretty girl, do you know that, Sophie?”
“I guess.”
“Girl, don’t guess at things you know. I have seen you getting ready in the morning. Nobody who thinks they look like nothing spends that long trying to turn it into something.” Auntie Amara laughs loud again. “It’s a good thing.”
I never think of it as a good thing or even a thing at all. I just think of it as me.
“Boys are going to be a big part of your
life. They’re gonna be chasing you left and right. But the thing you need to know right now, and know it for always, is: You’re in charge.”
“What do you mean?” I ask her, really confused. Am I still getting in trouble?
“You’re a special thing in this world, baby. And you always have the right to say who you let into your life and who you don’t. It’s about understanding how special and worth it you are, and demanding the same from other folks.”
“I don’t want to be conceited,” I say, scrunching my nose up and shaking my head no.
“That’s not what I’m saying at all. You’re a treasure, baby. You’re valued not just by how much you mean to people—and you mean the world to a lot of us—but by how much you mean to yourself. You should remember that, all right?” Auntie says, taking my hand in hers.
“All right,” I say, just wanting this whole talk to stop.
“Don’t make that face at me, girl. I’m trying to have a moment with you.” Auntie laughs.
But the moment’s over, and soon we’re laughing and talking like regular for the rest of the night together.
When we’re getting ready for bed, Auntie puts cocoa butter on my elbows and looks at me in the mirror.
“You look like her, you know that?” Auntie says.
“My mom?” I ask. And then I quickly correct myself: “Janet?” I’ve never seen that. Janet is beautiful when she wants to be. She’s sleek and tall, and she moves like she’s on a runway even when she’s just going to the bodega. She’s perfect in those moments, and I’m never perfect, not like that.
“Yes. Girl, look.” Auntie takes my head in her hands and points my face toward the mirror. “Look at this nose. And these cheeks. That’s Janet to a T!”
I keep looking in the mirror trying to see it, but I can’t. Or maybe I don’t want to, it’s hard to say.
“You thinking about her?” Auntie asks, putting cocoa butter on her elbows now.
“A little,” I lie.
“She’ll be home soon, don’t worry.”
And just like that I’ve ruined everything.
The next morning, I get up early to leave bottles again for Jen. It’s a smaller bag than what we usually have at my house, but I figure it’s still a nice thing to do for Jen and her grandmother. Well, it’s not just that. It’s also that I haven’t seen Jen since I told her my mother was a drunk and ran off like a crazy person. I’d like to explain a little, or at least tell her the whole truth. It’s strange how you can feel so close to someone you barely know.
I take the blue plastic bags of bottles out the front door and sit on the front steps to wait for them. But after ten minutes, then fifteen, they haven’t come. I want to wait longer, but then it’s getting late and I have to get to school. Ducks comes out of his house, but instead of coming up to mine, he just stops and stares at me. I’ve been avoiding him at the end of the day, and it’s unfair, I know. He puts in both earbuds and walks down to 7th Avenue without me.
I run in to grab my books and race after him, but by the time I get back, he’s already gone. I’ll have to try to talk to him later.
CHAPTER 14
Allegra starts passing me notes, leaving them hanging from my locker all morning. Usually they’re about something we’re doing, something she saw, or if we’re walking home together, but today they’re all about Ryan. I thought that she’d be mad about me walking home with him every day this week, like Ducks is, but it’s not that. It’s not that at all. It’s something closer to excited. It feels jealous, but it’s not that clear. The last note she leaves tells me she misses me and wants to know if she can walk with us, or if we can walk to her house and get dinner or something. She’s asking both of us, Ryan and me, like that’s a thing now. After I read it, I’m more confused than anything.
It’s so weird to see Allegra interested in something that isn’t herself or on her phone. When I see her at lunch, she’s staring at me, like she’s wondering if I read the note and how I will react. I smile, because I guess that’s what she needs, and she returns a huge smile that almost makes me think she’s making fun of me. She comes over to the table and she’s being super nice to me, paying more attention to everything I say and looking at me the whole time. When she does talk, it’s mostly about Ryan.
“So you, like, think Ryan would go for that? Like, coming to my house? It wouldn’t be a big deal, would it?” She’s almost nervous as she says this part. I still don’t get what any of this is about. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I wish Allegra would stop looking at me.
“Well, if he wants to come with us, he can. I’m not in charge of him. You can ask,” I answer. She seems a little bit disappointed at first, then confused.
“But will it be okay, if you just walk with me?” Allegra says, looking at the floor, like she’s hiding something.
“I don’t have to report in,” I say. “Why don’t I come over tonight? I’ll just have to check in with my aunt. She’s the only one that matters.”
Allegra looks at me again, but now with big happy eyes. “That would be the Best Evah.”
“Cool,” I say, trying not to show her how weirded out I am by her. She’s just being so silly.
After lunch, Ducks is telling a funny story to Ellen. He’s waving his hands around and making Ellen smirk. I smile, knowing how funny he is, and miss him. I wish I were over with them right now. When he sees me looking at him, he stops the story and walks away. Ellen looks confused, he probably wasn’t even done with the story yet. She looks over at me and shakes her head. We both shrug at each other and she chases him into their next class. I need to talk to him. It gets me a little angry that I have to. Why can’t he just relax for a minute?
After class, Ryan walks up to my locker to see how my day is going, which is really sweet, but today it just seems like too much. I feel like everyone around me needs something, and all I really need is to get home while home is still safe.
“You okay?” Ryan asks, leaning over my open locker door.
“Yeah,” I answer with a big huff.
“Okay? I was just saying hi.” Ryan smiles, hoping that will get me to smile back. It’s a cute smile, I just don’t like it right now.
“I can’t walk home today,” I say, closing my locker. I can’t tell if it’s the sound of the door or the way that I’m saying it, but either way he blinks like he’s been hit in the head. I feel bad, because I don’t want to hurt him, but I just need a little less today. “It’s not a big deal. I just have to hang out with Allegra tonight.”
That seems to soften it a little, but then he asks, “Well, can I come by for a bit?”
“No. It’s just a girls’ night. I don’t think Allegra would like it,” I answer. I know that’s not the truth, and I know I just lied to Ryan, but right now, it’s just the easiest way to handle this. Ryan seems really hurt, but I smile at him, trying to tell him it’s not a big deal. I just have to keep them apart for a bit, because it’s such a silly thing to lie about and that will only make it a bigger deal for everybody involved.
At the end of the day, Ryan goes out the side door, so I head out the front with Allegra. I’m pulling her so hard she almost squeaks. And because I must be having a really lucky week, a cab pulls right by, and with one hand I wave it over and with the other I push her into the back seat. We’re gone so quick Ryan doesn’t even see us leave.
At Allegra’s house, Kylie is already home, so right off we’re headed for trouble. She’s listening to music and reading. She takes a big bite of a pear just as we walk in, like she’s about to take a bite out of Allegra. She says something awful to Allegra but then looks at me.
“Great outfit. Very, very.”
I don’t want to be so excited by Allegra’s sister, but I can’t help myself. Kylie’s cool, high-school cool, so in ways that I don’t even know about yet. I sound like Ducks and his adjectives, but it’s true
. I’d act more excited but she’s so mean to Allegra, I think it would make Allegra furious with me. So I just smile and wait until they blow up at each other. Any minute, they’ll be screaming and cursing. Sometimes it gets to pulling hair, a few times even punches, but hopefully not now. I follow Allegra out to the kitchen.
“Did you eat all the yogurt?” Allegra positively screams from the refrigerator, banging on the door.
“Go get your own,” Kylie screams from the living room.
“That was my own! I wrote my name on it. Mom!” Allegra screams and slams the fridge. Allegra’s mom doesn’t answer. Allegra marches up the stairs to her room and I follow. It isn’t until we hit the landing that we hear her mom yell, “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“She ate all my yogurt!” Allegra yells back from her doorway.
“Allegra, stop,” her mother shouts. “We can get you more yogurt. You’re being ridiculous.”
Allegra’s mom keeps yelling at her and at Kylie downstairs, but Allegra ignores her. She waves me into her room, slamming the door behind me.
“So, Ryan couldn’t come?” Allegra says when the yelling outside stops.
“Yeah. He had to go home. It’s cool, just us, right?” I ask.
“Totally. I was, like, more thinking of you anyway.” Allegra smirks a little. “You guys are, like, going out now. You must want to be around him all the time.”
“We’re walking home from school, Leg. It’s not like we’re getting married.”
“Okay, but it’s still serious. You’re, like, a full teenager now,” Allegra says, almost rolling her eyes at me.
“What’s going on with Brian?” I ask. I know there isn’t much, but I’m sort of mad at her for acting like this.
“He’s fine. I think he’s, like, way too immature for me. He picks his nose.” Allegra smiles a little to hard to mean it. “But Ryan is so different, you can, like, see he, like, cares about you. Like, a hundred percent.”