by Hazel Kelly
I nodded and gave him a hug, pressing the length of my body against him. We fit together just right. All we had to do was make her see.
"I'm aging out here," Izzy said.
Shane opened the door. "Don't be so dramatic."
Izzy looked through me like she didn't even know me.
I felt my hands go clammy in response to her obvious disapproval. "I don't know what to say."
"You could say, ‘Sorry for lying to you,’" she said. "Or ‘sorry for never ever lying to you about anything and then picking this to start with.’"
I swallowed.
She shook her head. "How could you keep a secret like this from me?"
I shrugged. "Because I kept it a secret from me, too. For a long time."
She made a face like she had a bad taste in her mouth. "Don't even pretend you've always had feelings like this for him."
I pursed my lips.
"Oh my god," she said. "You actually think that?"
I glanced at Shane. "I do, yeah."
She dropped her head and stared at the floor between us.
"Why don't I stay?" I suggested. "We can all talk about it togeth-"
"I'm sure my stomach can't handle that," she said, leaning against the doorframe. "I'd rather you go and maybe I'll come by later."
I squinted. "Maybe?"
"We'll see.”
I sighed. "I wanted to tell you-"
"But you were busy. I get it."
"I just didn't know how, and I didn't want to mention it before-"
"Before what?" she asked, cocking her head.
"Before we knew if it was serious."
She raised a palm between us. "What don't you understand about the fact that I don't want to talk to you right now."
Shane stepped forward. "Don't be a bitch, Izzy. She hasn't done anything wrong."
Izzy laughed. "Good one. I'm pretty sure she's done everything wrong that a best friend could possibly do, but I can see why you might not be able to-"
"She's my best friend, too," Shane said. "I know you forget that sometimes, but we've all known each other for the same amount of time."
Izzy turned to me. "Why are you still standing there?"
I felt totally defeated apart from the solace I found in Shane’s face.
"You should go," he said. "It's Izzy's turn to try and make sense of this. Let's let her do it on her terms."
"Okay," I said, looking back at Izzy. "I just think it kind of sucks that her first term is for me to fuck off."
She raised her eyebrows. "So you're not deaf?"
I clenched my jaw. "Fine. I'll go. But for the record, Izzy, I'm only sorry I wasn't more upfront with you. I'm not sorry about what we've been-" I felt a pinch in my tear ducts. "I still love you, too. Just so you know."
She extended her arm out the door, inviting me to walk through it.
So I did, looking back at Shane one last time as I stepped into the hallway.
I heard the door to his room close when I was halfway to the fire exit and took a deep breath.
It was frustrating that I couldn't even begin to imagine what was going through Izzy's head. I mean, I didn't have any siblings to be protective of, siblings I had to worry about sharing with anyone else.
And I knew Shane's track record was far more varied and experienced than mine. She probably thought I was weak. Or that he'd manipulated me.
And he had. For fifteen years. By being the most handsome, interesting guy I knew.
But at the very least, I knew she and I were on the same page in that we wanted him to be happy.
If only she could believe he might find happiness with me.
Chapter 48: Shane
I was familiar with the multitude of Izzy's expressions, but the angry one she was making just then wasn't one of my favorites.
"How could you?" she asked, the thunder gone from her voice.
I sat down on the edge of the bed. "How could I what?"
Her hands went to her head as if she were going to pull her hair out. "How could you take advantage of our best friend like this? When she's never been more vulnerable?! When she trusts you the way she-"
"Hold on a second. You think I'm using her?"
"Yeah, I do." She set her hands on the edge of my desk and hoisted herself up. "I think you got bored and forgot how much her friendship means to us- has always meant- and you stuck your dick where it didn't belong because you're lazy and it was convenient."
I furrowed my brow. "So you blame me for this?"
"I do."
I sighed.
"Should I not?" she asked. "I mean, I suppose there's a smidgeon of a chance that I'm wrong about this, but I seriously doubt it, especially considering your track record.”
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"That you don't really respect any of the women you sleep with, which is why it breaks my heart that you would condemn Andi to that category."
I shook my head. "You've got it all wrong."
She cocked her head and looked at me like she’d forgotten I was a full eleven minutes older than she was.
"First of all, it's not that I don't respect the women I sleep with, okay? I just don't love them. There's a difference, and you and I both know those things aren't mutually exclusive."
"What are you saying?" She turned an ear towards me. "That you love her?"
"Yeah," I said with a lack of hesitation that surprised even me. "I do."
Izzy rolled her eyes. "Oh please, Shane. I just caught you in a post coital nacho fest two minutes ago, and now you want to tell me you're in love?"
"Yeah. Head over fucking heels."
She put her feet on my desk chair, her elbows on her knees, and her face in her hands.
"And that's why you shouldn't be mad at me. Because I'm not treating her like all the other girls. I know she's different, and I'm treating her accordingly."
She peeked at me through her fingers. "And where is this going?"
"What?"
"You and Andi."
I shrugged. "I don't know. Far if I have anything to say about it."
She dropped her hands. "Far?"
I nodded. "But I didn't want to say anything to you until I knew that."
"And now you know?"
"In every bone in my body."
"Let's leave your body out of it," she said. “It’s probably what got you into this mess.”
"Fair enough."
She sighed. "I still don't get how this even started? You never felt this way before."
"Actually, I think I did. I just didn't recognize the feeling for what it was because she'd always been such a big part of our lives."
"So what changed?" she asked. "What made you suddenly see her as a woman and not as a sister?"
"I never really saw her as a sister."
"Sure you did."
I shook my head. "No. I'm pretty sure I realized you guys were different as soon as you hit puberty."
"But you never said anything? Even back then?"
"Because I was a pubescent bundle of horniness who couldn't make sense of myself, much less my relationship to anybody else."
She pursed her lips. "Mmm. I suppose that is pretty much how I remember it."
"Thanks."
"But I still don't get what happened that made you guys get together. After all this time…"
"A few weeks ago, Mike pushed her around- scared the shit out of her. She showed up here bleary eyed with a busted lip."
Her face dropped. "Shit."
"She asked if I would go get her stuff from his place."
"Uh-huh."
"So I did, and when I came back, I wanted to keep an eye on her. Plus, I felt guilty about the fact that I’d basically been avoiding her ever since she started dating Mike-"
"She mentioned that."
“So I asked her to stay the night.”
Izzy raised her eyebrows.
"Anyway, at some point she started worrying about her busted lip- that it wouldn't
heal, that it looked like shit. So I kissed it. Just where it was cracked. Just to shut her up."
She narrowed her eyes at me.
"And I felt something."
"What?"
"A shift? A craving? I don't know. But I knew I didn't want to let her slide back into the periphery of my life again."
"So you started seeing more of her."
I nodded. "I took her to my barn dance- like you suggested. I figured she needed a reminder about how she deserved to be treated."
"Sure."
"And that's sort of when we started getting to know each other better."
"And all this time you've both been lying to me about it?"
"It’s more like we wanted to make sense of our own feelings before we tried to articulate them to the only person we care about as much as we care about each other."
She groaned. "You are such a jerk. I can't even stay mad at you."
One corner of my mouth curled up.
"I suppose I had The Ink on some level that there was chemistry between you."
I raised my eyebrows.
"Like when we used to go to your football games, I always felt like there was something in her eyes that wasn't in mine. Like she was way more worried about you getting hurt or something."
I turned an ear towards her.
"And sometimes when you guys used to pick me up after theater practice, there would be this weird energy in the car, this tension."
I hooked my thumbs in my pockets.
"And of course the way you treated Steven after he asked her to the spring dance senior year was highly suspicious."
"That’s because he asked her before I did."
"You asked her?"
"Casually. But also completely seriously."
"And now you’re in love with her, huh? Just like that. Like so much that you genuinely don't want to be with other people?"
I leaned back on straight arms. "Like so much I don't even notice other people."
She smiled.
"It's like brain drain or something. I swear I've never felt so stupid and happy at the same time."
"Sounds like love alright."
"It's not anything I've felt before anyway, but it definitely feels like a good thing. Like a lasting thing."
She crossed her legs. "Does she know how strongly you feel?"
"I've mentioned it," I said. "So I think she knows."
"Uh-huh."
"Plus, my new favorite hobby is thinking of ways to show her how crazy she makes me so-"
"And where does she stand?"
"That's harder to say. She doesn’t exactly wear her heart on her sleeve quite as much as I'm willing to."
"I'll talk to her," she said. "And get to the bottom of it."
I sighed. "Sounds good. Because if she doesn't feel the same way, I really need to reel it in."
Chapter 49: Andi
I’d finally accepted the fact that I’d be spending the night alone when I heard a knock at the door.
I hopped towards it while pulling on a pair of thick chenille socks. "Coming!"
Izzy's face looked spoon shaped in the peephole.
"Hi," I said, opening the door.
"I'm sorry about the way I spoke to you earlier." She shifted her overnight bag on her shoulder and lifted the hand that held a wine shaped brown bag. "Can I come in?"
"Of course." I took a step back, relieved that I hadn't quite given up and put my pajamas on considering how put together she always looked. "I'll get some cups."
She closed the door and set her stuff down while I went to retrieve the last two clean wine glasses from the kitchen cupboard.
"Is it a twist off?" I asked, opening the cutlery drawer with my free hand.
"You know it."
I closed the drawer with my hip and met her by the couch.
She waited until I was in the room to sit down.
Then she opened the wine and poured two generous glasses before sliding one towards me.
"So." I lifted the glass and put a bent leg on the couch between us. "Your thing got out early?"
"Yeah." She took a quick sip and set her glass down again. "I think my professor thought he would be playing a bigger role in the pre-screening commentary. He blatantly got cut off. I imagine he's pretty embarrassed."
"Mmm."
"I think he'll probably still give me extra credit, though, for not telling anyone how totally underwhelming his speech was."
I nodded. "And then you got cold?"
"Yeah. I figured I'd swing by the house and grab a sweater from my bag before I met up with you guys again."
I swallowed.
"So." She pursued her red lips. "I guess you're fucking my brother."
My throat solidified.
"Sorry." She scrunched her face. “I didn’t mean for that to sound so accusatory. I'm just still trying to get used to the idea."
I took a sip of wine.
"Which I guess is the only thing to do since Shane pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that he's completely smitten and doesn't really care whether or not I give you guys my blessing."
"I do," I said. "I care."
"No you don't. Or you would've mentioned it before you passed go and collected two hundred dollars."
"I still care, Izzy." I took a deep breath. "I spent the last fifteen years trying to convince myself there was nothing more between us than friendship because I didn't want to mess up what the three of us had, what we still have-"
"So what changed?"
I shrugged. "I think it has something to do with the completely crap string of relationships I've gotten myself into over the last few years."
She slipped her flats off and pulled her feet up on the couch. "Go on."
"I mean, take Mike for example."
"Sure."
"I was physically afraid of him."
Her face drooped, and I saw real pain in her eyes, pain that told me she still cared.
"And that fear turned me into someone I didn't recognize, someone who told lies and acted like a doormat. I started apologizing for everything until I was blue in the face."
"I noticed that last habit for sure. It was pretty annoying."
"It all sort of came to a head one night in his stairwell. I nearly knocked my teeth out trying to get away from him. And I went to Shane for help because I didn't know where else to go, and I knew I could trust him."
"Of course."
"Not that I can't trust you, but he was here and-"
"I understand. Please continue."
"Anyway, I felt safe with him, and knowing I could trust him was like finding water in the desert or something- like way after I'd forgotten how to drink, if that makes sense.”
She narrowed her eyes at me over her glass.
"And then he kissed my busted lip really gently, and not only did I feel for the first time in ages like there was light at the end of the dark tunnel of shit I was in, but I felt pretty and feminine and desirable in a way I hadn't felt in years."
"Uh-huh."
"And the next time he kissed me wasn't that gentle, but it was just as wond-"
"Moving on," she said. "Was the lying to me about it just a reflex then since you'd been telling so many lies recently?"
I cast my eyes into my glass before looking back at her.
She raised her eyebrows. “Well?”
"No. It was because when he kissed me, it opened the flood gates on all these feelings that I'd been trying to suppress for so long, and even I didn't know what to make of them, what to label them, what to do with them-"
"Besides investigate?"
I nodded.
"And now that you've thoroughly-” She cleared her throat. “Investigated, what conclusions have you drawn?"