by Kim Golden
And Ida, prattling on about Laney—that was her name, he knew it now—and how she was an American living in Sweden, how she was thinking about going through the process. Laney smiled uncertainly. She raised her empty wine glass to her lips and paused, suddenly remembering there was nothing left to drink.
The air between them crackled and sparked. Somehow Ida never noticed. Not when she tried to manage their conversation, not when Mads excused himself to get more drinks for them nor when he returned and Laney’s fingers lingered over his as she accepted the newly-filled glass.
Of course Ida didn’t notice. She was focused on their getting along so she could get her commission. That’s all any of this was for her. She’d told Mads this so many times. The commissions were all that mattered if you were a client services facilitator. Hook up the right client with the perfect donor. Make sure everyone got on and then charm the clients into paying the fee for the donation. If they ended up with a baby nine months later, all the better. She got another commission, so did the donor.
She’d left them alone together, satisfied Mads and Laney were perfectly compatible, getting along. Of course she didn’t sense any charge in the air. But Mads…his every nerve was attuned to Laney and when she said she wanted to get some air, he took a chance.
That was how it all started. A pack of cigarettes, a velvety night in that summer that felt as though it would be endless. A spark that ignited from their fingertips. A kiss he should not have stolen but couldn’t resist. A touch too intimate for strangers but that felt so right.
It branded them both.
“I should go…” she’d said but she didn’t push his hands away, didn’t try to escape.
You’re mine, he wanted to tell her, but the brazen intensity of his words startled him. If he was ill-prepared for it, she would be too.
4
LAST CALL
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“Of course you can.” Ida barely looked up from her telephone as she tapped in another message. “It’s good money.”
“Ida, listen to me. I mean it.” Mads shifted forward in his chair. He rapped his knuckles on the tabletop to get her full attention. “I met someone.”
“Good for you!” Ida clicked send and then stashed her phone in her bag. “Trine told me she had someone she wanted you to meet.”
“I didn’t meet her through Trine.” Mads scratched his cheek. How could he get her to understand? The words felt thick in his mouth. “It doesn’t matter how I met her. I met someone, and I want to give it a chance.”
Ida flagged down a waitress and then ordered another round of beers for them.
Mads was glad for the distraction, even if he knew this was the right thing to do. Thoughts of Laney still occupied too much of his mind. He knew if he closed his eyes, he’d see her as she looked, lying beneath him, her soft lips slightly parted as she whispered his name. He bit his lower lip and shook his head. No, better not to think of her right now.
“I don’t know if it’s permanent, but I want to go inactive for a while.”
“You’re serious?”
Mads nodded. “I can’t…I can’t go to these mingles and pretend it’s not like dating when I am trying to be with someone.”
“But you’ve dated before and still been active.”
“I know, but this time it’s different. It feels different.”
“Who is she?”
“Why?” He held his ground. He knew how she’d react if he told her the truth. Ida would only focus on the money lost, not their friendship or how he felt.
“Sheer curiosity.”
“Come on, Ida, you said if I ever needed to go inactive that all I had to do was tell you. Well, now I’m telling you.”
“Sorry, sorry, you’re right.” Ida acquiesced. “It’s none of my business.”
“Just trust me on this, Ida. I need time to see where this is going. ”
Afterwards, he walked along Nyhavn and imagined Laney was walking beside him. The warm night air settled around him, reminding him of that night when she came into his life. He’d see her again soon, though not soon enough.
Maybe one day the Øresund Strait wouldn’t separate them. Maybe tomorrow she’d feel it as strongly as he did–this need to be together with no one standing between them. He wouldn’t push. He would let her make up her mind.
Around him night revelers laughed and called out greetings. Just ahead he could see the cream-colored facade of Hotel D’Anglaterre and the Royal Danish Theater. He stopped at the crossing and waited for the light to change. He should have been scared by the uncertainty of their connection. Was it just good sex? Did she only call him back because she felt obligated?
Maybe it didn’t matter. Just then, it felt like they had all the time in the world to figure it out, to get it right.
5
UNTIL SHE COMES
The waiting was the most difficult part. Waiting for her phone calls and text messages. Waiting to know when she would be able to get away. She is worth it became his mantra. She is worth all the waiting.
When he met Adam for after work beers, he tried not to check his phone too often.
But that night, as the two men debated the merits of craft beer versus the usual Carlsberg and Tuborg, Mads couldn’t concentrate. His eyes strayed to the phone’s blank display one time too many.
“Don’t…”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t glance at your phone again until you tell me what’s going on.” Adam grabbed Mads’ iPhone. “I should just scroll through your messages…”
“No, don’t.” Mads grasped Adam’s wrist. “Don’t.”
“So tell me then.” His friend smiled that lopsided, toothy smile and wriggled his eyebrows.”You haven’t been this antsy since the Brazilian girl…”
“I was never antsy with her.”
Adam snorted. “Sure you were. I was there, remember?”
“I don’t remember being any different…”
“You weren’t this bad, but you kept checking your phone, if she was supposed to meet us somewhere you’d keep looking over your shoulder for her.” Adam reminded him. “So what gives? Who is she?”
“Her name is Laney.” Saying her name brought a smile to his face. He grinned. “She’s an American I met at one of the mingles.”
“Wait…I thought you weren’t allowed to date those women.”
“We’re encouraged not to, but there’s nothing in the contract…”
“But she’s married, right? Aren’t they always when they’re at those gigs?”
“She’s not married.”
“Is she in a relationship then? I thought most of the women who showed up at those parties were in relationships.”
“She’s living with someone, but she says she’s not so sure about it anymore.”
“That’s dangerous territory there, my friend,” Adam warned. “If she’s still with someone, you’re the one who could end up getting fucked over at the end of the day.”
“I know…”
“Is she worth it?”
Mads stared down at his hands. He remembered the softness of her skin. After they’d made love, she’d curled against him, her head resting in the crook of his neck, and he’d felt like he’d come home. He wanted to feel like that again.
“I think so. And I think she feels the same.”
“So when will you see her again?”
“That’s the million kroner question.” He gestured at his phone. “I’m waiting for her to let me know.”
“You won’t get anywhere waiting.”
“She’s in Stockholm. She’s not here in Copenhagen.”
“It’s an hour’s flight. If she likes you enough, she can come whenever she feels like it.”
Adam relinquished Mads’ phone and slid it across the tabletop. Laney’s name blinked in the display as the ringtone sounded.
Grabbing the phone, Mads stood a little too quickly. He nearly tripped over his feet as he excu
sed himself and walked a distance away for privacy. He leaned against the building’s faded terracotta facade and pressed answer.
“Hi…”
“It’s me.” Her voice sounded so close. If he closed his eyes he could picture her as she’d looked the morning after. Her dark hair fanned out across the pillow, her bee-stung lips begging to be kissed. “I just wanted to tell you…I can come. If you still want me to.”
“I do.”
Did he imagine her relieved sigh?
“So…on Friday afternoon, I’ll be there.”
“What time?”
“My flight lands at two.”
“I’ll be there. Which airline?”
“SAS. I don’t remember the flight number.”
“That’s okay. When your flight lands, I’ll be there waiting for you.”
“Mads?”
“Yeah?”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
“So…Friday.”
“Friday…I’ll be there, Laney.”
Saying her name settled him. He would see her again. He would hold her again and all of the uncertainty would disappear, even if only for a while. They said reluctant goodbyes. Laney sounded as though she wanted to say more but then an unfamiliar male voice in the background put a stop to whatever she’d wanted to say. Instead, Mads heard a strange rustling and then “I’ll be right there, Niklas…” When she came back to the phone, she whispered an apology. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you Friday.”
Mads pressed “end” and slid his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. He strode back to the table where Adam waited. He knew his friend was curious. Would want to know all the details but would not ask.
A new pint of dark beer awaited him. He took a swig of it as soon as he sat down and savored the thick bitterness of it as it slid down his throat.
“So she’s coming?” Adam lit a cigarette and took a drag.
“On Friday.” Mads said.
“Just be careful,” Adam reminded him. “You’re the one who could get hurt the most in all of this.”
Mads nodded, but a voice inside him counted with “We both could.”
For a little while, that phone call, the softness of her voice and knowing he would see her soon, was enough to keep him focused.
It won’t always be like this, he thought. One day soon she’ll know what she wants, who she wants. I just hope it’ll be me.
6
NEWS FROM THE FRONT
Am I interrupting you?”
Mads slipped out of bed, trying not to wake Laney though he was still clumsy with sleep. She’d slept fitfully all night, not falling into a deep slumber until nearly sunrise. The last thing he wanted to do was wake her now.
“Hej, Karin,” he said in hushed tones as soon as he was in his kitchen. He was still naked and, though it was still warm, he shivered. “I…I was sleeping. You woke me up.”
“Oh! Förlåt! I’m still so used to you being up at the crack of dawn.”
He nodded absently, too tired to care whether his ex-wife remembered him as being an early-bird or a night owl. He wanted to return to the warmth of his bed, the sweet familiarity of Laney lying beside him. “Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Everything’s peachy! Things are really good–and that’s why I’m calling.”
“So, what is it? What’s going on?”
She let out a breathy laugh. “I’m getting married again. Can you believe it?”
“No,” Mads admitted, letting the words turn round in his head. He blinked against the watery light filling the room. “But I guess congratulations are in order.”
“Isn’t it great?”
“Yeah, really great.” He leaned against the countertop and rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. “I hope it goes well.”
“I didn’t upset you, did I?”
“No, no, nothing like that. I was just thinking. Trying to remember if you sounded this happy when you told everyone we were getting married.”
Karin let out an exasperated sigh. “Mads, that was a long time ago.”
“I’m not begrudging you, Karin. I was just wondering, that’s all.”
“You and I—we were kids. We had no business getting married. I don’t even know what we were thinking.”
“I guess we were thinking we loved each other.”
“Maybe. Something like that.”
Shit, this was going horribly wrong. He hadn’t meant to piss off Karin or even sound like he regretted their divorce. It was the right thing–their marriage had never been good. And she was right…they were too young and neither had thought it through, why they got married, why they stuck together for the four years they tried to keep it afloat.
“I really am happy for you, Karin.” Behind him the floorboards creaked. Laney called out his name, her voice raspy and still laden with sleep. “Hold on…I’m in the kitchen, Laney.”
Laney appeared in the doorway, clad in his t-shirt, her hair rumpled. “I turned over and you were gone.”
He gestured at the phone. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
She gave him an uncertain look. No, don’t get the wrong idea, Laney, he thought. “Maybe I should go…”
“No, don’t go anywhere. I’m nearly done.”
Laney lingered for a moment, then headed back down the hall to the bedroom.
Karin cleared her throat. “You’ve got company. You should have told me.”
“It’s private…”
“Well, I’m glad you’re seeing someone.” Her tone became brusque, clipped. “I’ve always hated the thought of you being rootless there.”
“I’m okay here, Karin,” he said. It was the first time in a long while that he felt sure of it. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Good! Will you come to the wedding then?”
“Yeah…sure. Just send me an invitation.”
“Same address?”
“Same address.”
“Are you still in that loft?”
“It suits me.”
She laughed. “As long as you’re happy then. I hope the heat works now.”
“It does. The days with no heat are long gone.”
For a moment, neither of them said a word. Mads wondered how he’d ever thought he and Karin could ever make a go of it? She always wanted more than he ever did. She’d grown up a child of privilege. She was accustomed other people taking care of the flotsam and jetsam of life. Their lives couldn’t have been more different. He was still thinking when Karin said his name.
“Sorry, I was just thinking again.” Mads pushed himself away from the counter and began retracing the path back to his bedroom. “I’m happy for you, Karin. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and now you are.”
“I am.” She sounded relieved. “I really am. You and I…we were kids, but you’ll always be special to me, Mads.”
“It’s fine, Karin. We’re both fine.”
“Wish me luck?”
“Of course.”
“Good! Now…go back to your friend before she thinks you’ve forgotten about her.”
“Impossible. I can never forget about her.”
“Good luck, Mads.”
“Thanks…and congratulations…”
Back in the bedroom, Laney was already dressing. Mads tossed his phone on the bed and grabbed her around her waist and held her close. “Don’t go…not yet.”
“Are you seeing someone else? I need to know…”
“It’s just you, Laney. No one else.”
“Who was that on the phone?”
“My ex-wife–”
“Not you too…”
“She’s getting married again. She just wanted to tell me.”
“Oh…but so early?”
“She has no sense of time.”
Laney nodded but her shoulders were still tense and taut. Mads spun her around so they could face one another.
“Trust me, Laney. The only woman I want is you.�
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“Are you sure?”
“I am…” He kissed her gently as he maneuvered her back to the bed. “The only woman I want…she’s in this room with me now.”
“I’m not used to this, Laney,” he confessed as they both tried to put off the inevitable walk back to her hotel. “I don’t like putting you in this situation, or even being in this situation at all. But I can’t stay away from you.” Saying it made it all too real. He did not want to be without her. Not now. Maybe not ever.
* * *
The weekend was cut short. Of course it was. Niklas. It was always Niklas. The more Mads heard about him, the more he wondered how Laney had ever fallen for her Swedish boyfriend.
“I’m sorry, Mads.”
“Don’t be. I just need to know this won’t be all we ever have. That it won’t be like this forever.” On Dronning Louise’s Bridge, they kissed, oblivious to the buses, the tourists, life itself.
Her hotel was too close. He wanted to spirit her away, back to his apartment, or someplace that would only be for them…a cottage by the sea…where they could wake up every morning to the shifting sea and make love as waves crashed against the shore.
“I don’t want to go,” she breathed against his lips and then reclaimed them again. The taste of her, oh how much he wanted her, even now, knowing she would be with Niklas now for the rest of the weekend…
Tendrils of her hair danced in the wind and he smoothed them back, wanting to drink her in. Was this addiction? Was he addicted to her?
“You have to though.”
“We could…just go back to your place. I could tell him something, make up something—”
“You can’t avoid him forever, elskede.” He kissed her lightly. Just one more, he reminded himself, then you need to go. You can’t stop the world no matter how much you wish you could.