by Alora Kate
“My best friend Ki and I have a PI service but we also serve people.”
“Private investigator?”
“Yes, we mainly catch people cheating, but we’re trying to branch out, get harder jobs.”
“Sounds interesting.”
“It is.”
Tapper brought me lemonade and even put ice in it. “Thanks,” I said, but he wouldn’t even look at me. He went back into the kitchen and brought one for his grandma.
We sipped lemonade and Tapper brought out a plate with raw hamburgers on it. He hit a button on the side of the wall and the sliding glass door opened for him. He went out and I thought about leaving. This really was uncomfortable. I could just go out, apologize to Tapper, then to his grandma for leaving early, and just start walking. I could call the detective, see if he’d pick me up, but I didn’t want to drag that asshole back into my life.
“So, how do you know Tapper?”
Oh God, she really was going to ask me this? What do I say?
Oh, ya know, I spent a whirlwind couple of weeks fucking his brains out.
“Um, I saw him fight a few times last year.”
“So, you’re friends?”
“Not really.”
“We’ll have to change that,” she said winking at me.
“Excuse me,” I said, standing. I walked outside with my lemonade in my hand and saw Tapper placing the burgers on the grill.
“I’m sorry.” I watched him load the grill up with the hamburgers, and let the lid drop shut. He put his hands on his wheels and tried to move but I stood in front of him. “Tapper, please just listen to me.”
“Why?”
“I’ve been trying to apologize about the day in the elevator.”
“Doesn’t matter. People always stare at the scar on my cheek, or whisper about my lisp because of the damn scar that took part of my cheek away.”
“I wasn’t staring at your cheek and I barely noticed the lisp. I kind—”
“Then it was my chair?” he interrupted.
“Yes. No! I just,” I paused, frustrated that he wasn’t letting me explain myself, “at first, I didn’t think it was you. Then I had to look again, to make sure it was you. I was going to say something, like hi, but then you got angry.”
“Okay.” He tried to move again.
“Okay? So, you forgive me?”
“If it’ll make you leave me alone . . . yes.”
“Why are you being such a jerk about it?”
“Why do you care!?” he snapped.
“I . . . um—”
“Why do you care now?”
“What do you mean, now?” I was so confused.
“Christ, woman, get out of my way.”
“No, tell me what you mean.”
“Last year, Lex. You left, you didn’t care.”
“We were friends, we moved on.”
“No, Lex, you moved on.”
“Well, yes, I did but—”
“No buts, Lex. I told you I wanted to get serious. I told you I was falling for you, and what did you say?”
“I don’t remember,” I said softly, trying to remember the conversation. I remember he said that he liked me, but I didn’t think it was that much. I didn’t like my relationships going past a certain point and we had reached that point, so I walked away.
“You said, thanks. Then you got dressed and left. Never came back. Never took another call from me. You sent me a text two days later that said, we had some great times, thanks.”
“I did?”
“You did. So, excuse me for pretending that I didn’t know you. Excuse me for not giving one shit about your apology, Lex, because it really doesn’t matter. I don’t care . . . but if it means something to you, to clear your conscience for whatever reason, then fine. I accept your apology.”
I let him pass and I followed him back into the living room and sat the lemonade down. “I’m so sorry, Miss Thomsen. I have to go.”
Chapter 4 – Tapper
“Lex,” I called out the passenger window. “Get in the car.”
By the time I caught up to her, she was a mile down the road. I didn’t want to go after her. I didn’t want to talk or see her ever again, but I loved my grandma and always did what she asked me to do.
“Lex.”
“You said you didn’t care, so go away.”
“I don’t care, but Ma does. I’ll never get on her good side again if she knew you walked back into the city, which I’ll remind you is like, fifteen miles away.”
“Only fourteen now,” she snapped, moving her feet even faster.
I smiled, but she didn’t see it. I’d never let her see me smile again. The woman broke my heart. Acted like what we had was just a fling when it wasn’t. I knew she had feelings for me, so when I told her how I felt, her reaction surprised me. She stopped taking my calls. She stopped watching my fights. She left that day like I was no one and never came back.
“Get in the car, Lex, and act like you don’t know me. You’re good at that.”
She stopped and I slowed down and put the car in park. She stood there, mumbling to herself and I waited.
Again, I was waiting on Alexa Tanner.
I felt like I had been waiting on her forever.
I was waiting for her to love me like I loved her.
I was waiting for her to come back.
I was waiting for her to do something.
Anything.
But she did nothing.
She did nothing but give me heartache.
It hit every nerve in my body: my hands and arms, part of my back. Every nerve except the ones that I wanted to work. I wanted my body back. My legs. My feet. My organs. I wanted everything to function and work properly again. I wanted to walk. Run. Fight.
My body is broken, unable to be repaired. I have no control over it. I had to teach my body how to function and operate all over again and sometimes even then it didn’t work right.
I missed fighting the most. It was my life. I grew up training and had my first match on my eighteenth birthday. I missed the thrill, the anticipation. Sizing up my opponent, watching him fight, finding his weakness, and then learning how to use it against him in the octagon. The long hours, pushing my body beyond its breaking point. Feeling the adrenaline surge through my veins as I made my way to my corner, hearing the fans scream my name. The heat from the lights, the roar from the fans, the slight vibration felt in the air. The sound of skin hitting skin, the coppery scent that clung to the mat. That’s what I missed.
I missed being Tapper Low.
The random muscle spasms always gave me false hope.
But I knew.
I knew the truth.
I would never walk again.
I would never fight again.
And I sure as hell would never love again.
I beeped the horn and she slowly walked to the passenger door. “I’m only accepting this ride because of the weather.”
“Whatever.”
“And the shoes,” she said opening the door. “I haven’t worn them in a while and I already have blisters.” She slipped the shoes off, shut the door, and buckled up. I pulled off the side of the road and headed back to Manhattan. I hated using the hand controls to drive, but it’s my only choice. In the beginning, it was difficult to get used to, but it doesn’t bother me now. I have things to do, and I hated relying on other people so I sucked it up and figured it out. Plus, I’m on a strict schedule. My body is trained once again to perform a certain way and I can’t rely on others for rides.
I let the radio and music fill the car so she wasn’t tempted to talk to me. There used to be a time when I loved to hear her voice, feel her breath on my neck, and her sweet kisses on my lips. There used to be a time that I worshiped the ground she walked on. She made me love her and I did. I loved her and got nothing in return.
I gripped the handle and slowed down as the traffic started to back up.
It was the worst fucking timing.
“Well,
this sucks,” she said pulling out her phone. I saw her thumbs move just as fast as they did last year as she sent off a text message.
I wondered who was waiting for her.
No, I didn’t.
I didn’t care.
“Happens every day.” I watched the traffic start to back up behind us. My worst fear was kicking in. Being stuck anywhere but my home when I needed to be. I had a schedule to keep and a body to maintain.
“I know,” she hissed and turned down the music. Her thumbs flew over her phone again. She paused long enough to dig into her purse and then went back to her phone. “I have work to do and Ki’s healing from a gunshot, so excuse me if I comment on the damn traffic.”
Don’t engage.
“I mean, I know she has Prescot but I’m her best friend.” She wasn’t going to stop. “She needs me,” she said softly, as if her feelings were hurt.
Christ.
When I needed her, she was nowhere to be found.
I looked ahead and saw some of the cars starting to move. I thought I felt a muscle spasm in my toe but I knew it was my mind starting to panic about the situation I was in. I planned on being at Ma’s house for a certain amount of time before I came back into the city, so my personal needs would have been taken care of. Now, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.
“She needs her pills, she needs to rest. And eat,” she paused. “I wonder if she’s eaten today?”
My jaw ticked. Aggravated that I couldn’t stand to share a space with her. “The cars are moving.”
I caught the slight eye roll she threw my way. “I can see that.”
Her bitchy attitude was grating on my last nerve, and I knew this was not going to end well. I tried not to engage, but she just wouldn’t shut up. “Wasn’t sure with all your yapping.”
“I don’t remember you being such an ass.”
She was right; I used to be someone else. I used to love life and I loved living it. Now? I had no idea what I was doing other than keeping my schedule and taking care of my body. Trying not to have accidents and doing therapy even though I’d never walk again.
“I don’t remember you being such a bitch,” I lied just to piss her off. When we were together and we fought, she could be a bitch, but we always ended up in bed together. That’s how we worked out our frustration.
“I’m not a bitch.”
“Maybe not.”
“I’m not!”
“Don’t care.”
“Because of the elevator thing? Really, Tap, can’t you just let that go? I said I was sorry. I meant it and I doubt we’ll run into each other again after this.”
“I said if it’d help you sleep better at night, that I forgave you.”
“You didn’t mean it.”
The traffic started to move, slowly, but at least we weren’t stopped. I reached to turn the music back up and she slapped my hand away.
“We’re talking about this.”
“Nothing to talk about, Lex.”
“I’m sorry about everything. About the rude text and leaving the way I did, but we were only together for a few weeks, maybe a month, and I wasn’t ready for anything more. I handled it wrong. My bad.”
I slammed my hand on the steering wheel and glanced at her. “My bad? Are you fucking kidding me? A month? Christ woman, we were together for three fucking months! It wasn’t as casual for me as it was for you. We spent a lot of time together; you had a key to my fucking loft, Alexa!” I looked back at the road. “If I knew you were going to bolt, I would have never said anything until you felt the same way. I would never have put myself in that position if I knew I would get my heart broken.”
She tried to say something and I turned to her.
“You’re a selfish bitch and I regret it all.”
Her hand moved so fast.
I let her hit me.
I deserved it.
“Fuck you, Tapper Low.”
Chapter 5 – Alexa
“You know he’s right,” I told Ki while she ran her free hand through my hair. “I’m a selfish bitch.”
“No, you’re not. You just have problems dealing with your feelings.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about my time in the car with Tapper. How hard he was. How angry. I couldn’t blame him, I knew I was one of the reasons why he was that way. He was always fearless—that was one of the things that attracted me the most to him when we were together. But he was never hard. He was a softie with me. His voice would soften as soon as we spoke, his hands were gentle, his eyes kind.
The man in the car, that wasn’t the Tapper I knew and it killed me knowing that I was a reason why that Tapper was gone.
“I’ve already let him down and we weren’t even together. This is why I don’t let things get past a certain point with any guy I see. I was confused with my feelings for the detective, and him cheating on his wife just reminded me why I don’t let things go too far. The men I've been with have been assholes, of course I'm going to believe that I’m not good for anyone. I've never been proved otherwise.”
I just wanted the feelings, you know, the good ones you get in the beginning. The butterflies and endless nights of sex. Most of the guys were just like me—wanting a good time with no strings attached—but there were a few that wanted more. There were a few that said they didn’t want anything more but I knew they were lying and I left. Most of them couldn’t stay in the moment, always looking toward the future with kids and a white picket fence.
Totally not me.
With Tapper is was different.
I just wasn’t sure why or how, but it was different. I just didn’t allow myself to see it. I was blind when it came to the two of us.
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Lex. Besides, putting yourself out there takes a lot of guts. You know what I’ve been doing for years and I finally got past that.”
I sat up and she rubbed my stuffed otter, Ophelia, in my face. “That’s not how you do it,” I mumbled into the soft otter before taking it away from her. “You’re supposed to be gentle with it.”
She smiled. “You did the same thing to me.”
I kind of did.
You’re a selfish bitch and I regret it all.
I hugged it tight wishing it would take all my worries away but it didn’t. It was just a stuffed animal, and I lived in the real world.
“I slapped a man in a wheelchair,” I whispered, petting the otter.
“He deserved it.”
“Yes, but he’s in a wheelchair.”
“He was rude, Lex; I would have slapped him also.”
“I feel awful. It sounds like I broke his heart, and it crushes me to think I did. I can’t believe I was with him for three months and didn’t even realize it. I had a key! I thought the reason I had it was to sneak in and lay naked in his bed, to surprise him, which I did but it was something meaningful for him.” I cried into my otter, “I am a selfish bitch!”
“If you say that again, I’ll slap you.”
“Fine,” I said moving the otter from my face, “I’m a stuck-up pretty girl. Totally vain.”
“Now I’m going to kick your ass!” she said coming toward me and I jumped off my bed.
“Your arm is still in a sling!”
“Won’t stop me from kicking some sense into you with my foot!”
She chased me into the living room, and I dodged the couch and chair and went into the kitchen. “We should have some wine!”
“You can,” she said out of breath. “I’m still on meds, remember? The ones you force me to take on a timely basis.”
“Good. I can drink for the two of us.” I grabbed the wine from the fridge and froze. “Or maybe I should skip it.”
“I think you need it tonight.”
“I did have a rough day.”
She looked at me like she wanted me to elaborate, which I didn’t need to do. She knew everything that happened today. “What?”
“Do you want to talk about your mom?�
�
“Nothing to talk about, Ki.” I grabbed a glass and opened the wine.
“Maybe you just need a day or two to process it, then we’ll chat?”
“My mom died doing what she loved.” I poured a glass of wine and Ki was still quiet. I knew why she wanted to talk about it; I mean, my mom died and as much as it should bother me, it didn’t. “I guess I am vain and selfish if I don’t even care that my mother died.”
“You do care, Lex. I think you’re in denial.”
“Not in denial.” I took a large swig of my white wine and I followed Ki to the couch.
She kept quiet for a minute and then changed the subject. “Can I say how crazy it was that you had to serve Tapper’s grandma.”
“Totally.” I drank more wine.
“From what you said, she seems sweet.”
“She’s what I’d picture as the perfect grandma. Cute townhome in a retirement community. Perfect gray hair. Super sweet, and the lemonade was perfect. I wasn’t sure who actually made it but it was delicious. And Tapper knew his way around her place. She treated him like he wasn’t in a wheelchair, unlike me.”
She glared at my last comment but let it go. “Think you’ll see him again?”
“Yes. I’m going to continue to apologize until he actually believes me.”
“Why does it mean so much to you that he accepts your apology?”
“Because I was rude, and we have a past. He was a nice guy last year, but now? Not so much. And it’s my fault; I don’t know how to act around him and I’m a complete mess. I don’t say or do the right things.”
“But you aren’t going to date him so why does it matter?”
“Are you hinting at something, Ki?”
“Just talking aloud.” She winced again when she moved to grab the remote and I pursed my lips. She hated it when I mothered her so I am trying to back off. I had to keep myself in check. Be more aware of what I do and say around other people and quit messing up. We tried to watch a movie but Ki was tired and we went to bed early. I curled up with my otter and pulled up the picture of Tapper and me. I wasn’t sure why I kept punishing myself but it really was a great picture. Three months I was with him. That was the longest I’ve ever slept with someone. Normally after a few weeks, I moved on.