by Lisa Ferrari
“I haven’t done anything. You’re the one freaking out and letting your fear of what everyone else thinks about you control your life.”
“You have to leave him, Claire. I won’t have it!”
“You’re fuckin nuts, you know that? I am happier than I’ve ever been and I absolutely am not leaving Kellan. Ever. EVER! I fully intend to marry him and have as many kids as I can possibly squirt out of my little drug-addict vagina. And if you try to make me choose between him or you, I will choose him every day of the week and twice on Sunday while you’re sitting in your new church casting judgement on your own daughter.”
Chapter 5
THE NEXT DAY, I go out to do some errands. Mostly I want to go to Whole Foods and shop. Maybe buy some more energy drinks and some rotisserie chickens. I need some new flavors in my nutrition plan. Dry, grilled chicken and asparagus are wearing thin. Plus, if I smell asparagus pee one more time, mine or Kellan’s, I will hurl.
I stroll through the aisles with my green hand basket laden with energy drinks. I try not to think too much about the disastrous visit to my parents’ house yesterday. My mom pretty much went totally loony tunes after I made the crack about her sitting in church casting judgement on her own daughter. I left. She was stills screaming to herself when I left. I got into my Solstice and drove away.
Haven’t heard from her since.
I’m wearing my new black pot-leaf tee shirt Roger and Hera sent me. It’s cold out so I have my favorite denim jacket on over it, but I still wonder if people can identify what it is.
I’m standing there slobbering over potato chips I want but know I won’t actually eat when Beth and Chris come around the corner and nearly bump into me.
They’re holding hands.
“Hey, Claire!” Beth says. She sounds chipper. And she’s smiling. She hardly ever smiles. She hasn’t smiled in, like, uh, six years. And she never sounds chipper. Which I’ve always found odd because, growing up, I always thought she was happy; and now she is actually a pretty good real estate agent and she does rather well for herself.
“Hi, Beth. Hi, Chris. What’s up?”
“Not much,” says Chris, “just grabbing some stuff for dinner.” He shows me his basket, full of what appears to be salmon and potatoes and stuff.
“Cool.”
We all stand there not saying anything.
“Should we tell her?” Beth says quietly.
“Of course, she’s your sister.”
Beth’s face lights up. “We’re engaged!” She holds up her hand. On her finger is a ring, silver or platinum or white gold, encircled with diamonds.
“Wow…” I’m not sure what to say. But immediately I decide to be happy for them, genuinely happy, because our parents were such dicks when I told them Kellan and I were engaged. I hug Beth, really hug her. “That’s awesome, Beth. Congratulations.” I give Chris a little hug, too. “Um, so tell me… when did this happen? I didn’t know you guys were even an item, really. Mom mentioned something about you guys looking at houses a while back, but that was it.”
“Yeah,” Chris says, “we started looking and it was pretty much love at first sight for me.”
“Me, too,” says Beth.
They’re both smiling like crazy people. Crazy people very much in love.
“Wow. Well, I’m very happy for you guys. I wish you nothing but a lifetime of happiness.”
“Thanks, Claire,” says Beth. “Just don’t tell mom and dad yet, okay? We haven’t told them yet. They got so freaked out about you and Kellan that we decided to keep it quiet for now. You know how mom is. Oh, by the way, I heard you’re a drug addict now.”
“Oh you heard that, did you? From mom?”
“Of course. She called and went off on you. For almost an hour. My battery died. Thank God.”
“Sorry.”
“That’s okay. She’s crazy. Nothing is ever good enough. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.”
“I’m not. Mostly.”
“That’s good. How’s Kellan?”
“He’s doing well. He’s at home, working.”
“Cool. Well, we gotta run. Chris is making dinner tonight and we have some more houses to look at tomorrow. We’re thinking about buying a house together. Don’t tell mom. Don’t tell her we’re engaged, either. See ya.”
And with that bombshell edict, Beth and Chris walk down the aisle, hand in hand. It’s good to see my sister happy.
Chapter 6
TRAINING CONTINUES ON target and with a vengeance.
Kellan and I want our respective parts. Badly.
It helps that Kellan puts one of Calista’s movies on the big-screen each time we’re in the gym. I’ve seen Chasing Lazer about 50 times. But it still works; it continues to motivate me every time I see a ripple of muscle in Calista’s thighs or her sexy six-pack or her round, uplifted, cellulite-free butt.
I resist the urge to post pics of myself online. Kellan says I must must must remain covered up, that I must not wear anything suggestive or too tight. The big reveal must be kept for the movie. Or for the audition, at least.
“Kellan, we don’t even know if I’m going to get it,” I say one night when Kellan and I are hanging upside down from the squat rack, doing hanging inverted sit-ups. Kellan can do about 30 without resting. I can do about eight or nine, then I have to grab onto the rack to rest.
“Assume that you are,” Kellan replies. We both stop to rest and look at one another upside down. “Tony Robbins says the universe tends to pay whatever price you ask of it. So, if you’re a homeless person asking for a quarter, that’s what you’re going to get. If you’re Claire Hot-pants Iron Born G.I. Jane Navy SEAL-chick Valentine and you’re asking for the female lead in the biggest movie of all time, that’s what you’re going to get. You have to demand that the universe give it to you. Say, ‘I demand that I get the part in the movie’.”
“I demand that I get the part in the movie.”
“Louder.”
“I demand that I get the part in the movie.”
“Louder. Say it like you mean it. Shout it out!”
“I DEMAND THAT I GET THE PART IN THE MOVIE!”
“That a girl.”
“Hot pants?”
“I don’t know, I just made it up.”
“Special K and Hot Pants. My mom will love it.”
Kellan and I twist so we’re closer together, and we kiss upside down.
Chapter 7
VALENTINE’S DAY ARRIVES.
It’s the first time in as long as I can remember that I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. The closest I’ve gotten in the past five years or so, prior to meeting Kellan, was Tommy Warcraft. His last name was actually Johnson or Johansen, something with a J. I guess you could say we dated. For about three months. He liked blowjobs. He always wanted a blowjob. Pretty much each time we were together, it was the first thing we’d do. There wasn’t a whole lot of reciprocity for some reason. Deep down I think I was hurt and insulted and confused by it, and I knew there was something missing from the relationship. But he was nice. He didn’t smack me around. He wasn’t abusive. He liked movies and books, same as me.
But he started to get aggressive during fellatio. He started pushing on the back of my head, trying to get me to deepthroat him, which I couldn’t readily do. I think he was watching too much porn and wanted to see his dick go down my throat and poke out of my butt.
So one evening we went to Taco Bell for dinner and I kinda sorta pigged out. I ate an entire Seven-Layer burrito, plus some other stuff; I forget exactly what. But back at his apartment, we went into his bedroom and closed the door because his roommates were playing Call of Duty in the living room. Tommy wanted a blowjob before his Warcraft clan went on a raid at seven.
So I obliged.
But he pushed on the back of my head.
Hard.
With both hands.
I gagged.
B
ut he didn’t let up.
And the Seven-Layer burrito came up. Along with a whole lot of Dr. Pepper. It went all over Tommy’s crotch, all over his balls. I saw little green chives in his pubic hair.
He didn’t really react. He simply got up and went to his computer, waddling across the room with his pants down and my vomit all over him and his underwear and his bed and his carpet. I remember being impressed by his dedication to his clan, because he sat down, put on his headset, and joined the raid.
I waited for him to say something. But when it became obvious that he was busy with his raid, I left.
I never heard from him again.
I was a bit tentative regarding fellatio after that.
Until I met Kellan.
And now, we’re here, together, once again in the same suite of the Lighthouse Hotel we visited recently. I adore visiting the northern California coast when the weather is sunny but chilly, and we can stay warm and naked in our hotel room. Looking out at the brilliant sunlight shimmering on the ocean like millions of tiny diamonds fills me with a curious nostalgia, a longing for something I struggle to identify. It mixes with the thrill I feel when I think about being naked with Kellan and feeling his body warm and heavy on top of mine. I feel like a character in a steamy novel, the kind I used to read but gave up because the relationship ideals, both spiritual and sexual, always seemed a likely impossibility.
But, now, here, with Kellan, and with this ring on my finger, and Kellan’s name stamped on my heart, the possibilities are infinite.
When we arrived, the entire room was full of big bouquets of roses.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Kellan said when we entered. There was even a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket of ice.
“How did you do this?”
“I called ahead and asked them to prepare the room for us.”
I’m in the Jacuzzi tub, surrounded by hot, bubbling water, Kellan is sitting on the edge of the tub, hard as a rock, we’re both high as kites on the Northern Lights Roger and Hera sent us, and Kellan’s erection is as far down my throat as I can get it. My lips are pressed against his abdomen and I’m trying to get his entire scrotum and balls in my mouth.
And I’m not gagging.
And I love it.
Best of all, Kellan is going crazy watching me, enjoying the pleasure I’m giving him. That’s the best part, the part I love most: making him feel good. It feels good to give him pleasure.
And to hear the noises he makes while I pleasure him. (He’s very vocal.)
And to feel his hands exploring my body and caressing my hair lovingly.
I use my fingers to put Kellan’s balls in my mouth. I then begin massaging his anus, very gently at first, applying steadily more pressure, until my finger slides inside his body.
“Oh, God, Claire, you’re going to make me come…”
A few seconds later, Kellan gasps and cries out. His penis flexes and pulsates in my mouth, the soft, delicate skin of his anus squeezes my finger, and I feel warm semen shooting into my throat. It’s a pleasant sensation, kind of like eating tomato soup. I’m thrilled that I’ve brought Kellan to orgasm.
When he seems to have finished and is struggling to remain upright, I gently withdraw. I have the sweet taste of his semen in my mouth. Kellan slides into the bathtub like a hundred-year-old alligator.
I pull him against me so he’s lying on my chest with my arms around him. Tiny aftershocks cause convulsions in his body.
“Was that good?” I coo in his ear.
“Mm-hmm.”
He’s too overcome to speak actual words. That’s a good sign.
AN HOUR LATER, Kallan regains consciousness.
None too soon, either, because I’m hungry. And I’m horny. And I want to smoke a bit more.
We climb out of the tub and towel ourselves dry. As if on cue, Kellan’s phone alarm goes off, reminding us that it’s time to eat. Kellan takes two ready-meals out of the cooler we brought and pops them in the microwave.
He puts a pinch of Northern Lights in the elegant glass water pipe Roger and Hera sent us and we each smoke a bit.
When the food is ready, we take our trays out onto the small but quaint and cozy balcony to eat. We look out at the water and the big rock jetty where the lighthouse was built.
Kellan holds up a little blue pill.
“What’s that?”
“Viagra. You made me come earlier, now it’s time for me to return the favor.”
Kellan puts the pill on his tongue and swallows it with a swig of energy drink.
I get butterflies listening to his words and the thought of what he’s going to do to me.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER, I’m finding out.
And OMG is it good.
We each took one more puff of Northern Lights after we ate and shared another energy drink. My mind is racing, but in a good way. My anxiety is gone. I’m not worried about a million different things. I haven’t thought of my parents or the movie or the online haters at all. Marijuana has its downsides and is a drug like anything else, and must be respected, but it certainly works wonders for people like me who struggle with anxiety and a constant inability to get out of one’s own head.
But all that stuff is a million miles away.
Right now Kellan is making love to me standing up in the center of our hotel room. We started out on the bed, with me climbing into his lap. The Viagra kicked in, his penis became bigger and thicker than I’ve ever seen it, and I eased myself down onto it.
Now his hands are squeezing my butt, my arms are around his neck, and he’s bouncing me up and down on his delectable cock, absolutely positively fucking my brains out.
My first orgasm seizes me in under five minutes.
But even as I’m coming so hard I can’t breathe, Kellan doesn’t let up. He’s grunting and breathing heavily, essentially doing cardio, as he makes love to me the way I’ve always wanted. He maintains his rapid pace, his pelvis slapping loudly against my buttocks each time he buries himself inside me. It’s ecstasy.
Ecstasy.
Pure and sweet.
Two orgasms later, I can’t hang on any longer.
Kellan gently deposits me on the edge of the bed.
He stands upright before me, his bronzed, muscled body shiny with perspiration. He’s grinning at me. He has me right where he wants me. And he knows it.
“Ready to keep going?”
His penis has me positively mesmerized.
I manage to nod.
He spreads my legs and plunges himself into me. His penis is wet and glistening each time he withdraws, and then the ecstasy overwhelms me once more with each and every thrust.
The sun is setting and I can see the orange glow behind Kellan, illuminating his body, his thick, strong legs and glutes, and the length of his penis each time he pulls out.
The room slowly gets darker. Kellan continues to make love to me, making me come over and over again. I feel as if I’m wrapped in the bliss of one perfect, ongoing orgasm, that I’m joined body, mind and soul to Kellan.
KELLAN EJACULATES ALL over me.
We’ve been going at it for hours.
A testament to the genius chemists at Pfizer who discovered Viagra.
My body is spent. My face and hands are numb because I’ve been breathing so heavily for so long. I no longer have the strength to hold on to Kellan, to lift my legs for him, or to hold my head up. He put a pillow under my head and is holding my knees, with my legs draped over his arms. His penis is so big and long. I feel the heat of it inside me with each thrust. Kellan’s body is a machine and his erection pistons in and out of me. He’s insatiable.
I am limp, merely along for the ride, exhausted. I don’t know how many orgasms I’ve had. At least ten. Every ten to fifteen minutes I’m overcome by pleasure and it happens whether I want it to or not.
I’m on the verge of telling Kellan I need to stop when at last he tells me he’s g
oing to come. With a final hard thrust he pulls out and seizes his erection in his hand and strokes it hard and fast.
He cries out and a fountain of semen shoots out of him and onto me, covering my stomach and breasts.
I hungrily run my hands and fingers through it, spreading it all over my body, my breasts, my nipples, my pubic hair, my clitoris, the insides of my thighs.
Kellan collapses on the bed and lies down beside me. “Oh my God. Oh my God. I’ve never come that hard in my entire life.”
“You came a lot.”
“Does it gross you out?”
“No, I love it when you come on me.”
“Good.”
Kellan takes my hand and we lie together silently, each of us spent and completely happy.
I AWAKEN SEVERAL hours later and I’m surprisingly horny.
I’m beginning to wonder if Northern Lights is an aphrodisiac. Maybe that’s why Roger and Hera sent it to us.
My vagina is a bit sore but I could definitely go for some sex.
Kellan is asleep on his back.
I carefully turn around and climb on top of him in a 69 position, moving slowly so I don’t wake him.
I take his penis in my mouth and begin to suck on it. It’s soft and a little salty.
It starts to get hard.
Kellan is still breathing steadily; he’s still asleep. He’s getting an erection in his sleep. That is wild.
And hot.
I continue sucking, swirling my mouth and tongue up and down his penis. I love feeling him get hard in my mouth. It’s sexy. It’s also a nice ego boost for me, knowing he’s growing big and hard and is becoming aroused because of me and not because he was watching hardcore porn five minutes before I showed up, which is what Tommy Warcraft used to do. I’d walk in the door and we’d go into his room and he’d say, “Hey, can I choke you?” or “Hey, can I go ass to mouth on you?” or “Hey, can I put an empty Mountain Dew bottle in your pussy?” and I’d be all like, “Uh, no.”
Kellan stirs beneath me. I think he’s awake. His penis certainly is.
I settle my body down onto him. His warm hands caress my back and my butt. His fingers spread me open, parting my buttocks and lips, and his hot wet tongue slides into my vagina. Kellan moans.