Lee tried to determine the precise moment when she’d led her daughter astray. She’d warned Lacey how easy it was to get pregnant if she wasn’t careful. In this day and age, she didn’t really expect her daughter to abstain from sex in college, but she’d certainly counted on her to be smart about it. For Lacey’s entire life, Lee had tried to prepare her daughter to be self-sufficient, to make good decisions. It struck Lee as one of the key jobs of parenting: ensuring that your children could survive on their own by the time they left the nest.
When Lacey had stunned her with the news last night, Lee had wanted to shout, “How could you!” Lacey knew how important it was to get her degree and find a job before falling for some random boy. I told you so, Lee had thought. I told you that Tyler boy was bad news. I told you to focus on your schoolwork. How could you be so irresponsible? She was furious that Lacey had put herself in this mess, that her daughter was setting herself up to repeat Lee’s very own past. Every one of those uncharitable thoughts (and more) had passed through Lee’s mind. And then—she’d surprised herself by pulling her daughter into a hug.
Because as angry as she was at Lacey, she couldn’t bring herself to yell at her sweet girl when she’d looked into her eyes, so frightened, so alone.
Lee tried to talk herself through the different scenarios now. Maybe Lacey really was just late, and they could all go back to their ordinary lives, uneventful but safe. It was easy enough to find out. Lee had stuffed the pregnancy test from the doctor into her bag last night, out of sight, out of mind till after the vows ceremony. But now there was no more postponing it. When Lacey got back to the cabin (she’d gone to grab an ice cream cone with the boys), she was going to take the test. Mother and daughter had agreed that it made the most sense to find out. Either they could stop worrying, or they would have to start planning.
Lee watched the water ripple down below as the ship prepared for the sail off. Well, she thought, she’d screwed things up royally. She should have insisted that Lacey attend a college closer to home, maybe one where she could live at home and Lee could keep an eye on her. There were plenty of good schools around Charleston. Why on earth had she encouraged her daughter to look wherever she wanted? At the very least, she might have visited Lacey more often up in Maine. What if Lacey had been so homesick that she’d flung herself into a boy’s arms out of desperation?
Or, was it possible that this was just straight-up rebellion? Was this Lacey’s way of giving Lee the middle finger for raising her as a single mom? That seemed harsh, though, even for Lacey. Lee remembered reading in a parenting book that the closer you were to your children, the harder it was to separate when they went off to college. But Lee wouldn’t have traded the bond she’d shared with her daughter all these years for anything. Lacey was her one true love. No one else.
Maybe that was too much love for a little girl to carry around, an albatross. But Lee didn’t know any other way. She was loyal to a fault. If you were under attack, Lee was the person you wanted in your corner. And up until about twenty-four hours ago, Lee had always assumed that if you were a daughter, Lee was the person you’d want for a mom.
She would do almost anything for her girl. Even toss aside the possibility of love for herself. Because, yes, there’d been someone else in her life when Lacey was younger. A man named Charles, who’d made Lee feel as if she was the only person in the world. But that had been the problem—Charles hadn’t wanted children, and Lee was a package deal. She came with Lacey, take it or leave it. She could never understand how Charles couldn’t fall in love with her sweet child. Maybe he’d never really loved Lee in the first place. But how Lee had loved him! Probably a little too much. A bit too desperately.
Oh, she thought now with a ping of recognition. That was what Lacey had been trying to tell her about Tyler. Lee had almost forgotten the feeling.
As the ship pulled away and the silhouette of the island grew fainter, a sense of melancholy splashed over her, a feeling that she might have left something important behind. She ran her hands over her stomach and realized she was still wearing her lavender dress. It was time to get changed, time to meet Lacey back in the cabin. One thing Lee was sure of, though: she wasn’t giving up on parenthood now. Not even close. She would steer Lacey through this, one way or another. They would get through it together, just as they had everything else in life.
19
When Lee stepped into the cabin, Lacey was already there, waiting.
“Hi, Mom,” she said from her perch on the bed.
“Hi, honey. How’s the ankle?”
“A little better, I think.” Lacey began to peel back the Velcro strips on her walking boot. “It will feel good to get this thing off, though.”
“I’ll bet.” Lee went to help her with the straps, then gently slid off the boot. “Oh, you poor kiddo,” she said, when she saw Lacey’s ankle. While the swelling had subsided, the foot had turned a deep, ugly purple. “That still looks pretty painful.”
Lacey shrugged. “Maybe the painkillers are helping. Speaking of which, isn’t it time for another?”
Lee checked her watch. “Righto. Six o’clock. You’re due.” She fetched a glass of water and a pill from the bathroom. On the bathroom counter sat the pregnancy test box.
“Here.” She handed Lacey the glass and pill. “Bottoms up.” She watched while her daughter swallowed, then drained the rest of the water.
“Thanks.” Lacey handed the glass back. “I cannot wait to get out of this dress. Can you help me?”
“Of course.” It was a struggle to get up without the ankle brace, but Lacey managed an awkward half stand while Lee unzipped the dress and pulled it over her head. She tossed the dress in the dry cleaner bag and grabbed Lacey a white robe from the bathroom. When she sat down on the bed, an awkward silence hung between them as they waited to see who would talk first. Lee reminded herself that she was the parent here, the responsible adult. It was up to her to get Lacey through this moment—and whatever might follow.
“So,” she began and stopped.
“So.” Lacey turned. Her eyes were wide with fear. “I guess this is the moment of truth, huh?”
“Oh, Lace.” Lee pulled her daughter into a hug and squeezed. “It’s all going to be okay, no matter what that little test says. If it’s negative, then we’ll keep living our lives just like we have been. If there’s a plus sign, well, we’ll deal with that, too. Together.” She let go and combed a strand of loose hair around her daughter’s ear. Lee felt as if she were looking into the face of four-year-old Lacey all over again, the little girl who would ask her mom to check under the bed for monsters each night. That child had been so afraid of being alone that Lee had finally capitulated and moved Lacey’s bed back into her bedroom. They’d shared a bedroom until Lacey turned thirteen.
Lacey nodded, pulled her lips into a line, then sniffed. “I know. Thanks. It’s just, this is really hard.” She nodded again, as if trying to reassure herself, though her eyes were wet with tears. “I just wish I hadn’t been so stupid!”
Lee was stunned by the sudden torque toward anger. She knew Lacey was afraid, but she also suspected her daughter might secretly want a baby. Lee had been talking herself through this distinct possibility for the last twenty-four hours. Lacey was in love with Tyler. Lee tried to remind herself what that felt like. What she’d felt for Charles all those years ago. What worried her most, perhaps, was how Tyler would react if Lacey really were pregnant. Would he step up and support her—or would he flee? Lee fretted that her daughter might not like the answer.
But Lee had had an entire day to do some soul-searching, and, in the end, she’d concluded that she was in no place to judge. Lee, herself, had gotten pregnant with Lacey around the same age, and with a total stranger. True, Lee had graduated college by then, but were things really so different? Her own mother couldn’t have been thrilled to learn that she’d be a grandmother at such a young age, and yet she’d never let on to Lee. Lee’s mom had adored Lacey as
if she were her own daughter. If need be, Lee knew in her heart that she would feel the same way about any child Lacey might have.
She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t let her own hopes for Lacey’s future cloud her response, whatever the test result. She would follow Lacey’s lead. If Lacey were pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, Lee would support her. One hundred percent. If she felt differently, Lee would listen to that, too. She was here to hold her daughter up, not to judge or scold. Because, really, wasn’t that the ultimate test of parenthood? To be able to show your children love even during the times when your instincts told you to scream, when it was the hardest of all to love them? That seemed to Lee the very essence of being a parent.
“Hey,” Lee counseled her daughter now. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Remember, there’s another person involved in all this.”
“Pfft, yeah,” Lacey said. “Like he even has to deal with any of it. He’s got it easy. Tyler has no clue what’s going on right now.”
Lee nodded. “True, but eventually he will, don’t you think? One way or the other?”
Lacey met her gaze. “Yeah, I’m definitely telling him regardless. It’s not fair that he isn’t here with me, worrying.”
“Oh, honey,” Lee said. “Haven’t I taught you anything? Life’s hardly ever fair.” She paused. “Hey, there is something I want to share with you before you go in there and take that test.”
“Yeah?” Lacey looked at her with big, soulful eyes.
“I know you think I’ve never been in love, Lace.” She paused. “But I have. Not with your dad. But with another man who came into our lives later. You were still little, so you wouldn’t remember him. His name was Charles.” Here Lee felt her throat tightening. “He was a good man, Lacey. A really good man. We only dated for a year, but I wanted to marry him.” She nodded as she revealed her one secret.
“What happened?”
Lee shrugged. “He didn’t want to marry me. It was as simple as that. He had big plans. He was going to save the world, run for Congress, maybe be president one day.”
Lacey’s eyes grew huge. “Did he? I mean run for president?”
“No.” Lee laughed. “Not even close. But he is a mayor, I think. Last I checked. That much I can tell you.”
Lacey gripped her arm. “Who is it?”
Lee shook her head. “No way. I’m not telling you this so you can track him down.” She sighed and her eyes locked with Lacey’s. “I’m telling you so that you understand I know what it feels like to be in love. I also know what it feels like to get your heart broken. I get it, Lacey. I was young once, too.”
“Wow.” Lacey was quiet for a moment. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, shoot,” said Lee.
“Why didn’t it work out? I mean, if you loved each other?”
Lee had been bracing herself for this question. She couldn’t tell Lacey that Charles thought being married to a woman who’d had a child out of wedlock might hurt his chances in public office. That’s how shallow he’d been! But she hadn’t realized it till it was too late. Why? Because she’d been in love. She patted Lacey’s hand now.
“I think, Lace, he wanted to save the world. He had his sights set on big things. Turned out, he just didn’t want to save me.”
“I’m sorry,” Lacey said quietly. “That really stinks.”
Lee clucked her tongue. “Well, that’s life, isn’t it? Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don’t.” She rested a hand on Lacey’s knee. “So, do you think you’re ready?”
Lacey took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
Lee nodded. “Good. Do you need any help?”
Lacey shook her head. “No, I think I’ve got this part. If you wouldn’t mind hanging out, though?”
“You know I’m here,” Lee said. “I have the timer.” She waved her phone in the air. “You just say the word.”
Lacey hobbled into the bathroom and shut the door. After a few minutes, she called out, “Okay, Mom, ready.”
Lee hit the timer button on her phone and held her breath. Oh please, she prayed, oh please, oh please, although she wasn’t sure what she was praying for exactly. The next three minutes might have been the longest of her life, until finally, at last, Lee could shout, “Time! Three minutes.” She waited. “Lacey?”
When the bathroom door opened, she tried to read her daughter’s face, but it was blank. Lacey held up the stick in her hand. And then a faint smile crossed her lips. “It’s negative, Mom,” she said. “I’m not pregnant.”
“Oh, honey,” Lee said, her voice threaded through with emotion, and went to hold her daughter tight.
20
Abby was having trouble sleeping again. The doctor had given her a bottle of sleeping pills, but when they didn’t help, he’d prescribed an antianxiety medication, a tiny blue pill to calm her nerves and pave the path to sleep. Because that was the real trouble: as soon as she lay down, her mind started spinning webs of worry. She was running on pure adrenaline after today’s ceremony and Caroline’s news. Earlier, when Caroline had come knocking on her door pleading with her to come out for the night—C’mon, Abby, we have to celebrate more! Girls’ night!—Abby had bowed out, saying she was going to put her feet up, read a good book.
But the truth was, now that the anniversary celebration was over, Abby had bigger things to worry about. She and Sam had agreed not to say anything about her diagnosis until after the ceremony, but when was the right time? Tomorrow? Over brunch? Or maybe she was better off not telling her roommates until they were back in Boston. Everyone was having such a good time, she didn’t want to spoil the fun. Perhaps she could arrange a dinner in the North End? But, no, that was a cop-out, and her roommates had to catch flights home. At some point, she’d have to tell the boys, too. They were beginning to shoot her curious looks whenever she grew absentminded. Another delightful side effect of the pills.
“Is it just my imagination, or is the boat rocking even more now?” she asked in the dark. Sam, sound asleep, snored peacefully through each dip and shudder. A few hours after setting sail from Bermuda, they’d hit some rough sea. Nothing to worry about, the captain had reassured the passengers over the intercom that boomed into their cabins. There’s some choppy water ahead, so we’re going to close the pool and the cafeteria for a few hours until we reach smoother sailing. Aside from a few off-balance moments, the ship’s motion hadn’t much bothered her on the sail down, but now with each new swell, a wave of nausea climbed in her throat. The little magnetic bracelets that were supposed to pinpoint delicate pressure points on her wrists were of absolutely no help. Abby tugged them off and threw them across the room. It occurred to her that she might need to knock on Caroline’s door and hijack her Dramamine pills.
She shifted onto her side, listening to the bathroom door shimmy in its frame with each rock of the boat. Somewhere in the distance a foghorn blew. Back and forth, back and forth. It felt as if little men were tugging at her sheets. The clock on the bedside table glowed 2:16 A.M. What was the use? She pushed back the sheets, climbed out of bed, and crossed to the balcony window, where huge swells—at least three feet tall—slammed the side of the ship. The moonlight sliced through the dark waves, making the entire ocean resemble an eerie lunar landscape. Maybe the cafeteria had reopened and she could get some soda or seltzer water. At the very least, it might help settle her stomach.
Abby pulled on a pair of shorts and combed her hair with her fingers. When she headed for the door, the ship dipped sideways, sending her scrambling like a beetle. Sam groaned and rolled over. She flung open the door and quickly reached for the hallway railing. Though she hadn’t given the railings a second thought earlier, she was grateful for them now. Gingerly, she made her way along the corridor, sidestepping an abandoned tray of steak and fries.
When she reached the cafeteria, a Closed Until Further Notice sign dangled from the buffet line, but the sitting area at the front, where guests could help t
hemselves to drinks, remained open. A few passengers appeared to be in even worse shape than she was. One young couple tried to calm their screaming baby, while an older woman sat at a table with her head in her hands, moaning with each new tilt of the ship.
Abby made her way to the soda dispenser and filled a cup with ginger ale. In a far corner at the back, she found a table and sat down, willing her stomach to settle. If this was what cruising was really like, then this would be her last sail. Everyone had promised her the high seas couldn’t roll a ship like the Bermuda Breeze, unless they came with hurricane-force winds, but what they were experiencing now was worse than anything she could have imagined. When she glanced up toward the front, she was surprised to see a familiar face. Javier. Abby waved in half greeting.
“This is something else, isn’t it?” he asked as he came over, wobbling slightly as he walked. “How’re you feeling?”
“Ugh. Awful. I didn’t think I got seasick.” She sipped her tepid soda. “Apparently, I do. Where’s Caroline?”
“Back in the room, feeling miserable. I offered to get her some juice.” Javier sat down and stared out the window behind her. “Do you think we’re headed into a hurricane?”
“Hah. Don’t even joke about it. They’d have to share something like that with us, right? At least I’d hope so.”
Javier shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. Probably best not to stir up panic among the guests.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation,” Abby said, “I’m not leaving this world because of a chance encounter with a hurricane.”
The Summer Sail Page 17